AIBU or did new guy overstep boundaries

[OverThinker1981]

I have a tendency to overthink situations, so I'm not sure, about this one. I'm a single mum with two young primary age children, and I've recently decided to start dating again. I have been seeing a new man for around 4 weeks. We decided from the start to take things slow. Thursday is not my usual work day but a friend of mine swapped shifts with me so I could be with my son for his birthday. So I was doing this Thursday for her. New guy wanted to meet on Thursday but I explained I was covering a shift for a friend. Thursday comes around and I'm so ill but I think I can hold it together for the 5 hour cover I needed to do. Plus if I didn't show an important aspect of the job couldn't be completed. Thursday starts off a disaster, I drop the kids to the babysitter late, I'm ill, sneezing, coughing and generally feeling a hot mess. So I take my unruly curly hair and throw on a hideous hat, a comfy but not flattering track suit. No make up. My face is pale, my nose peeling from where I've blown it so much. Not looking my best at all but I just want to make it through the shift.

Now I work somewhere that's not too close to me, so I had no thoughts of bumping into anyone and the new guy who I was dating lived quite a distant from where I worked. So imagine how surprised I was when he popped up at my work. I was literally fuming. Its a specialist store but I would imagine he would have had to pass two other specialist stores to reach the one I was working, usually I'm in the back but I was covering a quick 30 minute break for someone. So he's shocked when he sees me looking so different and I'm shocked when I see him. I'm a bit cold and don't say much, I get him what he needs and say goodbye. I'm so upset. I text him later and say I was ill not feeling well, so didn't much bother with myself as I just wanted to get home and back in bed. He texted back, 'no worries.' He's usually seen me with straight hair, a bit of makeup and a nice outfit. So anyway when I go home I tell everyone what's happened on the family chat and they think its my fault for not dressing myself up for work. So my AIBU is did he overstep boundaries or should I have fixed myself up for work and take the blame. We haven't spoken since Thursday afternoon text, he usually texts me nightly when he finishes work, but he didn't text me Thursday or Friday night. I don't know if it's because I was cold to him, or my being ill and a hot mess put him right off. I just feel like crap. But he was always the one chirping about taking it slow, so why show up at my work after 4 weeks of knowing each other. That isn't slow in my book. I mean in the 4 weeks we've seen each other around 8 times. But showing up at someones work is kinda a big deal in my book.

*I wouldn't be happy either. I would never just show up at someone's work, especially if you haven't been seeing each other long.

If he has gone cold because he saw you looking ill, you've dodged a bullet. If he liked you as a person, surely he should be asking how you're feeling*

This sums up exactly what I'd come to say. If he's ditched you for being ill then he's not a catch.

Red flag- block and delete his number, showing up at someone’s work 4 weeks in is not normal behaviour.

That's a dick move on his part. What possible reason would he have to show up, not living locally to the store and having passed two other shops that sell the same kind of things, on the exact day that you happen to be covering there?

Plus if he's so shallow as to be put off by the fact that you looked ill - newsflash, because you were! - then he's not worth bothering with anyway.

Your family sound batshit. Are they normally this daft? Get tarted up despite the fact you are poorly, on the off-chance that your bloke decides to be a weirdo and stalk you into work - really?

I would be preemptive and delete and block the bloke without saying anything. Find someone else - and get advice from sensible friends/family (or on here) if your family chat is this bonkers.

I'd be vex if he showed up at work, considering you weren't well either, forget how you looked! If he wasn't such a dingbat he wouldn't have got the shock reaction.

Well, he knows you're real and he knows you're honest!

And in return, you know he might be a bit stalkerish...

He knows you were/are ill. You have told him and plus, he has seen with his own eyes cos he's stalked you .

It would have been nice of him to ask you how you are feeling. I think for his lack of interest in how you are doing I would be cooling it from my end anyway.

He was definitely checking up on you, maybe even to see what you look like when you haven't made an efffort. His comments about only seeing you before with straight hair, make up, nice outfit attest to this.

This isn't uncommon, I had an ex who would want to randomly Skype me when I was at work. Looks are very important to shallow people.

He was a bit creepy showing up like that.
Especially after 8 dates max.
If he ditches you for looking crap - then he's not a keeper and it's a lucky escape. We all look crap, get ill sometimes.
But not checking up on you, seeing if you need something - also not a keeper.

Nobody should be passing by your workplace when he has only known you a few weeks. A red flag and stalkerish.

I had a fledgling relationship and he was as pushy as hell. I cut my hand really badly on a glass at work and needed stitches. I rang him asking if he could take me to get stitched and he said it was too far to drive. I dumped him for that. I would have done it for him in a heartbeat at that stage even though he was being pushy as I did like him. My boss drove me to the hospital and waited for me for three hours. I have never regretted dumping him. Boundaries/standards and all that.

Maybe he was checking up on you, but maybe he just wanted to see you? If you’re dating then presumably he likes you. I find it more weird that you’re so angry with him when his only real crime was catching you (in a shop, so a public place) without makeup on.

^ I know it’s thrown you but DH was like an excitable puppy, couldn’t wait from one day to the next to see me, so I would assume he’s just keen and that he’s more shocked by your response. He thought you would be pleased to see him too.

I’d find it very odd he turned up at your work with no warning. Sounds like a red flag to me. You said you couldn’t meet him that day so he turns up at your work, that is not right

I agree - was he checking up on you, perhaps?

If you'd been out the back where you normally are, would he have asked for you, or assumed that you'd lied to him and given you hell?

Or he may just have thought he'd pop in and surprise you (he may have been in the area for something else - and you did say he bought something).

Whatever it is, if he 's ghosted you because you looked a sight when you were full of cold, he isn't with bothering with.

I’m torn about him turning up. It might have been checking up on you or it might have been a nice gesture because he wanted to see you. When I worked in retail friends and family would often pop in to say hi. I liked it. However, you were the one there so you probably have the best feel for it.

As to him going off you because you weren’t wearing make-up and hadn’t straightened your hair! Words fail me! You’ve seen each other 8 times so obviously quite like each other. If he is really so superficial that he would go off you because you weren’t scrubbed up you are much, much better off without him.
And as for your family saying you should have dressed up for work! Do they really think you are only worth dating/employing if you have a face full of slap? Don’t you have anything else going for you like competence or personality?

He made an effort to come and say hi and you fucked him off.

Everyone who said he just wanted to see her - surely he would've just said "I wanted to see you" rather than pretending he needed a specialist part?

He was out of his mind with worry and begged to see me each day.

Weird.

Red flag .

Focus on getting better and looking after your self and your family . Once better ,I would contact him and see how it goes. If he had brought you some flowers and Lemsip ,that would have been lovely ,however from what you have written he was checking your story.
The idea that you have to dress up for work makes me roll my eyes .

It's really annoying that he turned up knowing you would be surprised/on the back foot...whatever his reasons for doing do. That would have really ticked me off too.

The early dating days it should be 'no surprises'. You want to be prepared, looking your best etc until you settle into that 'comfortable with each other phase.

It’s really too difficult to tell from what you have said. It sounds like for you he crossed a boundary. So if he doesn’t contact you again, I’d file it in this category. Or do you want to contact him again?

he showed up,
why were you unfriendly?

Thanks everyone for replying. I'm not are how to tag particular people to answer there questions, I suppose I'll learn. So I'll try to answer all the questions here.

Ideally I would like to see him again, if maybe to redeem myself and I know that sounds so shallow but I have to be truthful. I did really like him and I was started to get excited at what it could turn into, but `I kept my cool as he said a few times about keeping it cool.

I've seen him 8 times, not quite twice a week, the first week it was once, the second week 3 times, as we did a coffee date too when the kids were in school, third week twice twice and the fourth week only once, as it was too hectic over xmas and new year for more.

Initially we were planning maybe to see each other next Thursday but we didn't finalise it. It would probably be in the day when the kids are at school.

I think if Im truthful he was trying to be nice but I didn't find it nice. I think he's still smarting from the reception that I gave him.

If he ghosts me, it'll be hard because I'll blame it 100% on how I looked and it'll be a massive blow. But there isn't much I can do.

In regards to texts, he isn't much of a tester, so when I saw he'd text nightly, it would be, Just got home from work, how was your day? That sort of thing, not long or drawn out, I'm more of a talker and would like to text more but he isn't like that.

Its just for 4 weeks I felt so good and I mean I had a difficult break up with my ex, and I was single for 5 years afterwards by choice. But as he left for another woman, it blew my confidence and if he is ghosting me, it will shatter my confidence.

Men who like you do tend to chase and turn up. I wouldn't have bothered texting him after him appearing. Comes off insecure. Seeing him twice a week in early dating is too much. He's probably lost interest. Date others

Sorry for all the mistakes, now that I'm reading it back, I can see it has a few.

This is absurd. Whether you find it invasive or impulsive and friendly depends on your POV and his personality - which you can’t tell from the OP.

When I was dating my DH he once phoned me from his motorbike to say “I’m in your square, are you around?” Then he said “Do you think I’m stalking you” I said “Yes” He said “Well you’re right”.

OP is obviously someone very insecure about her appearance, and her family are similarly preoccupied. She won’t look very different with curly/straight hair, track pants and a cold, but some women think they look very different all dolled up. They don’t - they just feel differently about themselves.

Yes SparklyBauble I was unfriendly. Very much so.