AIBU or did new guy overstep boundaries

[OverThinker1981]

I have a tendency to overthink situations, so I'm not sure, about this one. I'm a single mum with two young primary age children, and I've recently decided to start dating again. I have been seeing a new man for around 4 weeks. We decided from the start to take things slow. Thursday is not my usual work day but a friend of mine swapped shifts with me so I could be with my son for his birthday. So I was doing this Thursday for her. New guy wanted to meet on Thursday but I explained I was covering a shift for a friend. Thursday comes around and I'm so ill but I think I can hold it together for the 5 hour cover I needed to do. Plus if I didn't show an important aspect of the job couldn't be completed. Thursday starts off a disaster, I drop the kids to the babysitter late, I'm ill, sneezing, coughing and generally feeling a hot mess. So I take my unruly curly hair and throw on a hideous hat, a comfy but not flattering track suit. No make up. My face is pale, my nose peeling from where I've blown it so much. Not looking my best at all but I just want to make it through the shift.

Now I work somewhere that's not too close to me, so I had no thoughts of bumping into anyone and the new guy who I was dating lived quite a distant from where I worked. So imagine how surprised I was when he popped up at my work. I was literally fuming. Its a specialist store but I would imagine he would have had to pass two other specialist stores to reach the one I was working, usually I'm in the back but I was covering a quick 30 minute break for someone. So he's shocked when he sees me looking so different and I'm shocked when I see him. I'm a bit cold and don't say much, I get him what he needs and say goodbye. I'm so upset. I text him later and say I was ill not feeling well, so didn't much bother with myself as I just wanted to get home and back in bed. He texted back, 'no worries.' He's usually seen me with straight hair, a bit of makeup and a nice outfit. So anyway when I go home I tell everyone what's happened on the family chat and they think its my fault for not dressing myself up for work. So my AIBU is did he overstep boundaries or should I have fixed myself up for work and take the blame. We haven't spoken since Thursday afternoon text, he usually texts me nightly when he finishes work, but he didn't text me Thursday or Friday night. I don't know if it's because I was cold to him, or my being ill and a hot mess put him right off. I just feel like crap. But he was always the one chirping about taking it slow, so why show up at my work after 4 weeks of knowing each other. That isn't slow in my book. I mean in the 4 weeks we've seen each other around 8 times. But showing up at someones work is kinda a big deal in my book.

If you like him and want to see him again, just text him. Stop the silly game playing and waiting for him to text first.

He's probably thinking he's blown it because of how you were towards him, it's got nothing to do with your curly hair and lack of makeup!

He wanted to see you. He was probably at a loose end. You were ill and felt terrible and you explained. If you looked dismayed he must be feeling awkward.

I think I just have to get over myself. Easier said than done. He saw me at my worse. It happens. I was going to wait till Wednesday to text, but I'll just agonise and overthink, so I think I'll text today and if he isn't interested, there isn't a lot I can do about it. He isn't an oil painting himself.

Anyway I should have made more effort for work regardless if he was there or not. Its a lesson learnt.

i wouldnt say he over stepped the boundaries tbh.
are you going to contact him op?

oh sorry, just read your post.
dont over think

You say it was about how you looked except it wasn't it was about the way you spoke to him. You said you were rude and unfriendly.

You say he is shallow but don't you think you sound shallow being rude to him because he turned up when you felt a mess?

If you think he overstepped the mark calling into your work then fair enough. But if you had been looking good with hair and make up done would you have still been rude to him?

Ideally I would like to see him again, if maybe to redeem myself

Whoa there! You have NOTHING to redeem yourself for.

He turned up at your work because he was checking up on you. He made out he wanted to buy something. You said your shop was out of his way.

Otherwise he would have just said 'thought I'd pop in to say hi seeming you can't make the date today'

You were shocked and then apologised for how you looked and he's been pretty much ignoring you since, yet you're the one who wants to redeem yourself.

Sorry, but this is not looking good at all.

He already has you trying to appease you for something he has done.

*him, not you

He was checking you were deffo at work and weren’t lying imo.

Dodged an absolute bullet

If it was me and I'd been off with him and you want to keep things going I'd send a text explaining you were mortified you'd been caught off guard and sorry if you came across a bit off. I personally don't think it sounds like he was trying to catch you out or be all stalkery, I'm guessing he thought it was nice to pop by and see you. There's lots of suspicious people on here! You've nothing to lose by sending a message and if you don't hear back then he is just a dick and everyone else was right!

@Nanna50 I did behave badly. I thought about your question if I had been looking good I would have been probably pleased. So maybe I am the shallow person.

Blimey the skepticism on this thread is eye-popping.

OP, if you like him and want this to develop into a relationship, contact him today (why wait til Wednesday? ) apologise for being rude and explain he caught you off guard. It’s far more likely he’s not been in touch because you were rude (as you admit yourself) than because you weren’t fully made-up. Either way, you won’t know until you contact him.

To me its off. Not you feeling ill - the fact he showed up at your work. In light of him being no oil paiting. I would leave it and call it a lucky escape.

I know it can feel like a rejection when he doesn't text you (and he has been), and that then kicks in a bit in a person, that wants their attention even if you don't really want it - just to protect against the rejected feeing. Don't listen to that part of you...get distracted, get busy with something else and seriously don't think about him any more. IMO.

Why does everyone assume the worst when a man does something? Why is he automatically stalking her or checking she's not lying? Maybe he just wanted to say Hi because they weren't able to meet and was then taken aback by the OP's (unint need) rudeness?

I mean, maybe he is a controlling, stalkerish weirdo but there's at least an equal chance that he isn't.

@PositiveVibez I know I don't have anything to redeem myself for, but his last memory of me, won't be a good one. I am quite pretty but after my ex left me I let myself go, and then when I decided to date I fixed myself up and it was nice to see how good I looked. And I feel everything I've done has been undone by this one encounter. And it feels like rejection all over again.

For either you, or this guy to focus solely on looks is a bit shallow.
Just forget about it. If he likes you, how you looked at work when not feeling well shouldn't matter one bit. If anything he should be texting out of concern to check you are ok.

Move on

@GriseldaChop and @Crispyturtle. I am definitely going to contact him. I want to see maybe if we can salvage what we have. And I suppose it may be a red flag to others, but I didn't tell him my boundaries, so I need to make them clear.

You are definitely over thinking the bit about how you looked.
If you have been getting on well do you not think this is about more than how you look?
Getting done up etc doesn’t 100% Change how you are, there are lots of bits of you that stay the same whatever your hair and makeup and skin is doing.
If he is being weird it might be either because you didn’t seem happy to see him or have been weird since mentioning how you looked.

If you saw him one time and he had a massive zit on his nose would that turn you right off him?

As for whether it’s creepy him coming to you work, and was ‘checking up on you’ or he was thinking about you, and wanted to see you so thought he’d invent a reason to go to the shop where you worked - I think time will tell.
But yes you’re definitely over thinking it!

If you are going to sleep together and he stay the night do you intend to sneak out of bed before him and do your makeup?

@RunningAwaywiththeCircus I didn't plan to be perfect and always wear make up, to be truthful I don't wear that much, it was how I was looking because of the cold, baggy red eyes, peeling nose, pale skin etc. Just rather washed up. With an extra large hat on trying to keep unruly curls tame. I feel shallow, I never thought I was, but maybe I am.

You weren't well, OverThinker. Most people don't look so good when unwell and I presume the man knew about you being out of sorts.

He shouldn't have made a point of seeking you out at work anyway.

Up to you whether or not you contact him, I don't think I would; I'd wait and see if he contacted me and pick it up from there.

Surely you can't have looked that awful?

I mean you were out serving customers!

Perhaps he did pass other stores but thought you'd be pleased to see him?

Idk if it's a red flag or not tbh.

Surprised at these responses. He popped into the bloody shop she works, could have been passing or at a loose end and wanted to say hi. It's hardly the act of a stalker in isolation.

Op the issue is likely the way you treated him. And I think if you're honest the issue was not he popped in, it was he popped in when you felt you looked crap. If you'd felt you looked good that day then this thread wouldn't exist and you'd have been happy to see him.

@OverThinker1981Not shallow, just overthinking his part in this and maybe not yours.

Personally I may feel a bit uncomfortable if someone I was newly dating turned up at my place of work. Particularly as, like you, they would need to make a specific trip.

While I may feel uncomfortable and question his motives I would do this in the greater context of the relationship and not jump to the conclusion that he is a stalker or control freak.

As one off it may be that he thought he would surprise you and see you for 15 minutes because he likes you and couldn't see you that day. And had you looked nice you would have welcomed that and reacted differently.

@Sharkyfan he has actually slept over a couple times, but he's a late riser and I'm an early riser, so I'm up from like 6am and him 9am, so I've taken a shower, dressed and eaten all before he's awake.