Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

AIBU or did new guy overstep boundaries

184 replies

OverThinker1981 · 04/01/2020 07:29

I have a tendency to overthink situations, so I'm not sure, about this one. I'm a single mum with two young primary age children, and I've recently decided to start dating again. I have been seeing a new man for around 4 weeks. We decided from the start to take things slow. Thursday is not my usual work day but a friend of mine swapped shifts with me so I could be with my son for his birthday. So I was doing this Thursday for her. New guy wanted to meet on Thursday but I explained I was covering a shift for a friend. Thursday comes around and I'm so ill but I think I can hold it together for the 5 hour cover I needed to do. Plus if I didn't show an important aspect of the job couldn't be completed. Thursday starts off a disaster, I drop the kids to the babysitter late, I'm ill, sneezing, coughing and generally feeling a hot mess. So I take my unruly curly hair and throw on a hideous hat, a comfy but not flattering track suit. No make up. My face is pale, my nose peeling from where I've blown it so much. Not looking my best at all but I just want to make it through the shift.

Now I work somewhere that's not too close to me, so I had no thoughts of bumping into anyone and the new guy who I was dating lived quite a distant from where I worked. So imagine how surprised I was when he popped up at my work. I was literally fuming. Its a specialist store but I would imagine he would have had to pass two other specialist stores to reach the one I was working, usually I'm in the back but I was covering a quick 30 minute break for someone. So he's shocked when he sees me looking so different and I'm shocked when I see him. I'm a bit cold and don't say much, I get him what he needs and say goodbye. I'm so upset. I text him later and say I was ill not feeling well, so didn't much bother with myself as I just wanted to get home and back in bed. He texted back, 'no worries.' He's usually seen me with straight hair, a bit of makeup and a nice outfit. So anyway when I go home I tell everyone what's happened on the family chat and they think its my fault for not dressing myself up for work. So my AIBU is did he overstep boundaries or should I have fixed myself up for work and take the blame. We haven't spoken since Thursday afternoon text, he usually texts me nightly when he finishes work, but he didn't text me Thursday or Friday night. I don't know if it's because I was cold to him, or my being ill and a hot mess put him right off. I just feel like crap. But he was always the one chirping about taking it slow, so why show up at my work after 4 weeks of knowing each other. That isn't slow in my book. I mean in the 4 weeks we've seen each other around 8 times. But showing up at someones work is kinda a big deal in my book.

OP posts:

slashlover · 04/01/2020 11:46

It's like he was checking you were there or something. I'd point that out to him and if he gets angry, you know it's true.

Or that's he's angry about being accused of being a stalker?

MatildaTheCat · 04/01/2020 11:51

You really need to work on your self confidence. You were rude and miserable to him purely because he saw you unexpectedly looking ill. If you’d smiled and said, ‘Oh, how nice to see you, as you can see I’m full of cold and feeling rough unfortunately. How are you and what can I get you?’

We can’t tell if he was checking on you, really happened to want this specialist item or just wanted to see you. However, I really doubt he’s gone quiet because he saw you looking at your worst. He’s much more likely to be feeling thoroughly upset that you were rude.

lotusbell · 04/01/2020 11:51

He's either checking up on you to make sure you're where you say you are, or he was hoping it'd be nice to surprise you - am I right in thinking he didn't know you were poorly until you text him later? When he turned up at work, did you not tell him you were feeling rubbish and would rather be st home? Texting him later on to tell him.may have read like an excuse for your reaction to the visit, especially if he looked beyond the untidiness and snot - not all men see it.
Have you text him today?

JustASmallTownCurl · 04/01/2020 12:00

He could just have thought it'd be nice to cheer her up by popping in - OP said she would have been friendly if she had felt ok. I'd be upset if I'd gone in thinking that someone would like to see me and then they were really unfriendly.

I also think it's unfair that posters have been saying if he cares how OP looked he's a wanker (because I don't think it's that at all, he was likely caught off guard by her being cold) when she said she's choosing to date him because he's average looking and a safe bet!!

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2020 12:06

Honestly your responses show just how messed up you are about this, unrealistic expectations, seen you at your worst etc. Don't text him about your looks any more. You need to own the fact you've issues. At best it will seem shallow to him, at worst, fucked up,

Just breezily send him a message about going for a drink and feeling better, and potentially seek some help to address your issues, as they are on the point of ending a relationship.

SpectrumFreckle · 04/01/2020 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bluntness100 · 04/01/2020 12:15

It's like he was checking you were there or something. I'd point that out to him and if he gets angry, you know it's true

Wow. If I popped into a shop someone I was datin worked in, and the person was coldto me, and then accused me of checking up on him, I'd get friggen angry, who wouldn't. What a horrible accusation.

And no she wouldn't know it was true, she'd just know he was a normal person who didn't like being accused of being a stalker. Like most normal people.

That advice to accuse him is absolutely guaranteed to end her relationship if it's not already dead that is.

Daisydoola · 04/01/2020 12:21

It's far more likely he's fucked off with you for being rude and cold to him.

That's not a nice trait so maybe it's made him rethink things

Scarlettpixie · 04/01/2020 12:25

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, as you work in a shop. He probably just thought it would be nice to say hello. A bit different if you didn’t work in a public place and he turned up at reception and asked for you, or like happened to someone I know, a fella sent flowers to her work after a couple of dates and she hadn’t told him where she worked!

You are also being unreasonable to be so bothered about how you looked. I get you weren’t dressed for a night out bit were you really that bad if you work with the public? Trick is not to leave the house in a state you don’t want to be seen in! You could bump into people you know at any point.

Scarlettpixie · 04/01/2020 12:26

Oh yeah, and he probably hasn’t been in touch because you were cold and rude, not because you had a cold and hadn’t straightened your hair!

Neverlovedya · 04/01/2020 12:40

Maybe text him saying sorry if I came across as cold, I was just very caught off guard and didn't expect you to come in but I appreciate the gesture, and see what he says.

diddl · 04/01/2020 12:49

If I've read it right, it was Thurs that Op was "cold" to the guy.

It's only Saturday now!

Neverlovedya · 04/01/2020 12:49

It's possible he just wanted to surprise you at work because he likes you (and hopefully this is the case !) it's also possible he was checking up on you to see if you were lying. Only time and his future behaviour will tell what he's like but hopefully he's the first one.
Also if any man decides he's not interested because you don't have perfect hair and make up at all times and get ill on occasion then he's really not worth it.

diddl · 04/01/2020 12:58

"Also if any man decides he's not interested because you don't have perfect hair and make up at all times and get ill on occasion then he's really not worth it."

Absolutely!
But then he could also be bemused about why she was so upset at being seen without make up & with curly hair!

darthbreakz · 04/01/2020 13:04

It sounds like this has made you uncomfortable and I think that should be the thing you base any decisions on about where you go from here.

How would you have felt if he showed up at your workplace and you were looking your best? Would you have been flattered?

I would give him a call and discuss it - you could say you haven't heard from him and were worried that it's because you looked horrific. But also that you wondered why he came into the shop.

Maybe he thinks he's put you off by coming to your workplace (which maybe he has a bit).

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2020 13:10

I would give him a call and discuss it - you could say you haven't heard from him and were worried that it's because you looked horrific. But also that you wondered why he came into the shop.

Nooo. Just text him and say ‘sorry I wasn’t feeling my best when you came in’. And just ask if he wants to do something.

Pinkette06 · 04/01/2020 13:13

I think it's far more likely he's not messaged due to you being cold with him, he probably feels awkward as you were off with him and didn't like, what he thought was a nice thing to do. I think a lot of the time women worry about how they look and if they look rough, but a lot of the time men don't even notice. Hope the text goes well op

Hirsutefirs · 04/01/2020 13:17

Whether you were all dolled up, or covered in soot, you wouldn’t get a chance to snub me like that a second time.

FrivolousPancake · 04/01/2020 13:21

This is such a weird thread! He’s stayed over a couple of times in four weeks but you’re ashamed he’s seen you at you not done up? By the time sleepovers roll around (be it after one night or a year) you should be comfortable being your real self.

TatianaLarina · 04/01/2020 13:51

Whether you were all dolled up, or covered in soot, you wouldn’t get a chance to snub me like that a second time.

Other people aren’t as knee-jerk insecure as you though. It wasn’t really a snub.

Redglitter · 04/01/2020 13:56

It's like he was checking you were there or something. I'd point that out to him and if he gets angry, you know it's true..

Oh yeah that's great logic there 🙄 Talk about how to make an already bad situation worse

If I'd decided to pop in and see someone and they were abrupt with me then accused me basically of being a stalker I'd be bloody angry.

FizzyIce · 04/01/2020 14:17

I don’t get why people always assume the worst?
Maybe he thought it would be a nice surprise, he didn’t know you were ill and it sounds like you’re more angry at yourself as in your words you “looked a mess”
Then you were blunt /cold with him so I’m not surprised he didn’t contact you .
Maybe you’re the shallow one and not him

damnthatanxiety · 04/01/2020 14:41

If he has stopped contacting you it will be because, by your own admission, you were very cold towards him. It would frighten me off tbh. You may have appeared a bit weird. Suddenly hostile.

MrsWhites · 04/01/2020 14:57

Seems to me that you have both created a whole lot of drama for nothing...him for being a bit weird and turning up at your work (clearly to check if you were working as you said) and then not contacting you since and you for being so obsessed with how you looked and for being cold with him!

When you start seeing someone we all dress up etc but there comes a point when they will see us with no make up or looking a bit rough, it wouldn’t enter my head to ask if they still wanted to see me though!

MissChananderlerbong · 04/01/2020 15:06

I totally get you Op, I ALWAYS wear make up and would be mortified in your situation.
But I think everyone else is right. IF he isnt interested anymore itll be because you were cold.
I bet to him you didnt look that different

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Swipe left for the next trending thread