To not want them to call me mum?

[littlejalapeno]

It started with the midwives. They preferred to call me mum than use my name when talking to me. I thought well I’m not your mum but you’re probable very busy and it’s easier than remembering names so fine for the 9 months we see each other. But now the bloody health visitor is doing it. I’m not her mum, I’m my baby’s mum, and I get the vibes they’re not doing it to be friendly but to pull rank. AIBU to not want them to call me mum?

But you don't deal with 50 or 60 or more teachers at the same TIME do you? There is NO comparison.

What kind of meetings are you going to? I’ve never been in a meeting with a teacher or HCP where they needed to refer to me as mum/something else when there were 50-60 other parents in the same appointment.

@TigerOnATrain asking to be addressed by my name makes me “prissy, entitled, demanding, and precious”?

Wow.

@Piglet89

asking to be addressed by my name makes me “prissy, entitled, demanding, and precious”?

Not just that. Your whole tone, and attitude, and demeanour in general.

HTH.

I'm a peadiatric nurse. We all refer to parents as mum. I really don't feel comfortable using first names for people I don't know. I can count on one hand the number of parents I've called by their first name in fifteen years!

It's not an unreasonable request. Ask them to put it on your notes as you feel uncomfortable being called mum.

Not it isn't unreasonable, but I can practically guarantee it won't make any difference.

Hahahahaha not just that. So, wanting to be called by my name rather than “mum” DOES make me all those things, in your opinion.

Hilarious!

“HTH”.

I totally hate this too. Done a couple of short stays in the children's hospital too and just felt so utterly un-human by the time I left. I know I was there to look after my baby but honestly, constantly being referred to as 'mum' nearly finished me off during what was a slightly stressful few days. I can see why they do it though- "Mrs childssurname" is probably wrong more often that it's right, and can't expect them to have time to worry about what they call the accompanying adults really.

I would say it’s really not meant to pull rank, it’s easier for them and they probably feel it’s more friendly. I absolutely loved it after having my DC as we had waited and tried so hard to have kids and I’d almost given up thinking I would ever be a mum.

I loved being called "mum" by the midwives. It felt like a honorific and i was so proud to be my DCs mum. I still love it now, DD was in hospital recently and all the nurses would be talking and would say "yes mums been feeding her" etc. It's a title, I'm ok with it.

YANBU. I'm a midwife and soon to be first time mum and I have always hated that use of it and will be unhappy if I'm referred to by that too

@toddlerteaplease because you all do it doesn't make it right. Would you mind if the mothers all started calling you nursey.

If you feel uncomfortable using a mother's first name, there's a simple solution. Call her Mrs x, y or z. You all manage to address the dictors with respect, why not the mothers?

When was the last time you said to a mother "hey mum, doc's coming in a minute?". Why is is not natural to address a parent with the same level of respect as a doctor or consultant?

The NHS spends a great deal to ensure equality. Why therefore does it not afford equality to all stakeholders.

Thanks everyone for your input. Glad to feel like I’m not alone even if it is quite minor in the scheme of things.

Though I hope those of you who got offended enough to come and tell me about how silly it was to get offended over something soooo minor get the irony of your own comments 😂

@Tistheseason17 yes I think you’ve nailed it, but I don’t want the reputation of a formal complainer, as I would worry that his treatment would be worse in the long run. I will address it in person when we get the appointment. It was interesting that she only called me mum when I started pushing for an appointment. Until then she used ‘you’ in the polite way others have said the prefer.

@JellyfishandShells I don’t know, my therapist says I’m quite sensible. Are you sure you’re not projecting?
@Equanimitas yes definitely agree with your posts

@MimiCaeger that sounds so tough, I hope you’re getting time for self care and wish you and yours all the best too
@fuzzymoon thank you, wish you were my HV!

@Nomorepies if you’re talking to me no I don’t and what a horrible thing to say to a new mum! Might as well be saying “shut up and get back in the kitchen” smh

@TigerOnATrain well aren’t you goady.

@ferntwist glad it was a positive for you! The context was important for me and now I’m past the initial baby glow stage I feel differently

I really hated this too, OP! You're not alone.
Call me my fucking name!!!

Not it isn't unreasonable, but I can practically guarantee it won't make any difference

Can you imagine any industry in which this is an acceptable way to treat clients?

I never expected them to call me by name but still don't see why they have to talk to you in the third person. The second person singular is perfectly adequate and designed for just this purpose. As PP have said the GP doesn't say how is the patient feeling when addressing you directly? They say how are you feeling? How is mum feeling sounds twee and ridiculous.

Having had two children with SEND, I am sick to death of being called Mum by other adults.

When my children have been in hospital and they are cared for by a different nurse every shift, I completely get that remembering my name isn't a high priority.

When I have seen and spoken to the same member of school staff every morning and afternoon for months or years and they know the ins and outs of our family life in glorious detail, it is not expecting too much for them to address me by my name and refer to me in conversations and emails with other adults in the same way. There's no way they don't remember my name and not using it feels like some sort of power play.

When a professional is writing an in depth report about my child and her difficulties, it is lazy and unreasonable to refer to me as Mum.

When I attend a meeting with a group of professionals and every other person in the room is referred to using their name , it is bloody rude and dehumanising to refer to me as Mum, especially in the minutes.

If you're a professional working with children and their families and you can't remember a parent's name, just ask them. Unless your contact with them is fleeting and building a relationship with them is totally unimportant, it matters that you address them politely. Using Mum, Dad, etc when you don't need to is lazy and rude.

Well said, Poppinjay. Agree wholeheartedly.

This will continue for years. Every appointment your child has, every professional you see, every baby group leader, will call you Mum. They won’t know your name and they won’t ask. They know your DC’s name and you’re just Mum. The DC is their primary interest and your only value is defined by your relationship with DC. It’s not intended to be rude, they just have no interest in you and CBA to remember your name.

But then it also works the other way when I was a mental.health nurse i often got " nurse" from patients which I didn't mind but I did Tell them what to.use my first name.

I told them to use my first name

I dislike it too! As a nurse I call my patients by their names so I don't understand why midwives and HVs can't too.

I spend about 50% of my time in this job writing reports and if I had to write [child’s name]’s mum”, [child’s name]’s grandmother, etc. even after putting the child’s name at the top of the report so it’s clear who it’s about, I would find that annoying and unnecessarily time-consuming.

But you don't need to do that, you could just put "Mrs X, Mary's mother" the first time, and Mrs X thereafter.

You presumably cope when writing letters about a patient with using their name, so I can't see why it suddenly becomes so difficult when you're writing about a parent.

@ferntwist @noidon'twatch - I do know what you mean by this. I think initially I felt quite proud to be called 'mum' and I liked when they said 'how's baby?' - I was so happy to have a baby!! But it did wear thin pretty quick and just made me feel invisible as if I didn't even deserve the respect of being called by my name once I was a mother.

The doctors/health visitors/nurses/teachers always used to call me 'mum,' and they called DH 'DAD.' They did it til our kids left school, so you'd better get used to it. If you are going to complain, prepare to be judged and laughed at behind your back for being 'precious

Anyone who is arrogant enough to 'judge' someone for wanting to be addressed with basic respect needs to take a long hard look at themselves. I can't way I would worry too much about being in the good opinion of someone like that.