To not want them to call me mum?

[littlejalapeno]

It started with the midwives. They preferred to call me mum than use my name when talking to me. I thought well I’m not your mum but you’re probable very busy and it’s easier than remembering names so fine for the 9 months we see each other. But now the bloody health visitor is doing it. I’m not her mum, I’m my baby’s mum, and I get the vibes they’re not doing it to be friendly but to pull rank. AIBU to not want them to call me mum?

“And how is mum feeling today?”
Is apparently preferable to
“How are you feeling?”

I'd just assumed it was an (unappreciated) attempt at making it more personalised than "you"

Tbh I'm so used to it I have to stop myself referring to DH as Daddy when I talk to professionals about the kids, so I'm a lost cause

Well I hate to break it to you but this still happens me and my eldest is almost 11!

Infact we were at the dentist today and it was all ‘mum could you sign this form’, ‘mum when would suit for your next appointment’, etc.

Having tried many different methods of addressing people, there are always people who complain that they don’t like something. Men generally aren’t good bad but women!!!! Tried Mrs, turns out mum was divorced and put in a complaint that I hadn’t used Ms. Tried madam was told I made someone feel old. Tried Miss and was told it was impersonal. Tried first name was told i was rude and over familiar. These days you literally cannot win there is alway someone ‘enraged, upset or annoyed’. I find that if someone is speaking to you I’m kindness and respect that’s what matters.

And I understand and agree with what the rest of you have said, that it is dehumanising but they are busy so no use getting worked up

Its rude, patronising and dehumanising, especially when most of the contacts involve referring to your notes with your actual name on them or being in a 1-2-1 with a midwife or HV.

Its a clear statement of your low status and no commercial business would get away with it. When I've needed HCPs abroad, including in other European state backed health care services, they have checked and used names just as any other customer facing organisation would.

I find that if someone is speaking to you I’m kindness and respect that’s what matters

Struggling to see what is respectful about addressing women by generic roles rather than individuals.

You are not being unreasonable, OP: it’s dehumanising and lazy and I absolutely hate it. Women already do the lion’s share of raising the next generation, plenty of which is drudgery: it would be nice if we - as sentient, intelligent beings - weren’t also anonymised in the process, by HVs’ and midwives’ ubiquitous use of the generic and irritating salutation “mum”.

If it was just the Mum thing, I would have just rolled my eyes and got on with it, but it does seem to go along with a lack of care and attention to detail, which is a much more serious issue.

I also agree with this. Last two visits to the weigh-in clinic run by HVs and they plotted my son’s weight against the wrong age. I reiterate - not once, but twice.

It’s so easy, a child could do it correctly - yet they’re doing it all day every day and their attention to detail is so poor they still make mistakes.

It's because they can't be arsed to remember anyone's name.

It’s annoying but not the worst thing in the world

As a thought, @eeyore228, have you tried ‘what would you like me to call you?’

I’ve had HCPs and teachers do this and it doesn’t seem to have been particularly problematic or time consuming for them, and I was grateful they treated me with a modicum of respect.

Much better than, for example, the consultant who said patronisingly before she looked up ‘so, mum, I hear you think your baby has a bump... oh shit.’

She had the good grace to be sheepish.

@littlejalapeno I can't see a problem with it, or why it's 'dehumanising' as someone dramatically declared!

The doctors/health visitors/nurses/teachers always used to call me 'mum,' and they called DH 'DAD.' They did it til our kids left school, so you'd better get used to it. If you are going to complain, prepare to be judged and laughed at behind your back for being 'precious...'

@Umberta

It's kind of Handmaid's Tale-ish!

Oh FGS! OTT much!

It's a bit twee but I don't like to police people's language, even if it grates, and there are much bigger fish to fry where the NHS is concerned.

why it's 'dehumanising' as someone dramatically declared

Nothing dramatic about common good manners. I address someone by their title and name, they have my title and name in front of them, the only reason not to use it is to clearly demonstrate my place in their scheme of things.

Its a standard technique for enforcing hierarchies.

@JassyRadlett the setting I work in means I’m helping anything up to 100 people at any given time. Not all jobs give the opportunity to be so specific nor a way to document individual expectations, otherwise it would certainly make for a perfect world. I do however think it’s very easy to upset and offend these days.

Yabu

@MillicentMartha
can you not see how patronising it sounds? I would hope after this thread you’d modify your language in future

Honestly? No, I never realised it was patronising - I remember midwives and HVs etc calling me 'Mum' and it didn't really bother me. I used to see so many mums/families that it was impossible to remember all of their names - I did use their name if I remembered but to be quite honest, although I did try my best to do a good job (and I think I did), my brain was just fried from all the other million things I had to remember.

Now that you and others have said you find it patronising - yes I probably would try to do what I could to change my language and somehow use their names more. As it happens, I'm not in that job any more!

It doesn’t end there, you will be taking your child to university interviews and the people at the welcome desk will be talking to you as “mum”

No one working at a university does this. Nor indeed do staff in most high schools. They call you Mrs / Mr Your child’s surname.

If you want them to use a different name or title you just ask them and they make a note of your request.

It’s just good manners.

If I call a teacher Ms Jones and she says “ Actually it’s Dr Jones “ , I make a note and call her this. I don’t say “ oh gosh you are the 50th teacher I’ve dealt with in my children’s lives, I can’t possibly remember , can I just call you ‘Teacher ‘ instead ? “ .

If anyone called me “ Mum “ I’d say , as a Pp said “ you can call me Sarah / Dr Smith “.

They did it til our kids left school, so you'd better get used to it. If you are going to complain, prepare to be judged and laughed at behind your back for being 'precious...'

“You’d better get used to it”. Please.

Also - not “precious.” Just capable myself of looking on a file for someone’s name and calling them it. Or bloody asking them how they prefer to be addressed and calling them them that for the duration of my interaction with them, because a) I think it shows diligence and care and that’s something in which I take pride and b) I have a handful of brain cells to rub together.

Not rocket science. Anything less is slapdash and lazy, in my book.

@x2boys Meh try having a child with disabilities every fucker calls you mum ...it's also in reports ,mum thinks ,mum says blah,blah.

Presumably this is for clarity? If a report about your dc said 'and Jane Smith suggested...' then how are people to know who Jane Smith is?Much clearer and better here to use 'mum'.

Not all jobs give the opportunity to be so specific nor a way to document individual expectations.

I’m still unclear on why it needs to be documented? Just a tiny bit of courtesy at the beginning of an interaction. Tell me / remind me what you’d like to be called?

I’ve been on the receiving end of this and find it perfectly courteous and respectful, which the slapdash ‘mum’ does not.

Failing that, I’d just avoid ‘mum’ to anyone who hasn’t given birth to you. ‘You’ works really well most of the time.

Presumably this is for clarity? If a report about your dc said 'and Jane Smith suggested...' then how are people to know who Jane Smith is?Much clearer and better here to use 'mum'.

Again we’re back to the war on pronouns.

The report could very easily read ‘his/her mother’ or even ‘his/her mum’ if you’re a slow typist. It would be more clear and accurate as well as affording a small bit of respect to the person in question.

Can any HCP explain why ‘his’ or ‘her’ are so despised by so many when it comes to referring to the parents of patients?

I totally agree with JasseyRadlett. We are so often nowadays told that HCPs are highly qualified post graduate professionals one has to wonder why a teeny tiny pronoun should be beyond them. They manage it with all the other stakeholders.

What a load of fuss over nothing!

@IM0GEN

If I call a teacher Ms Jones and she says “ Actually it’s Dr Jones “ , I make a note and call her this. I don’t say “ oh gosh you are the 50th teacher I’ve dealt with in my children’s lives, I can’t possibly remember , can I just call you ‘Teacher ‘ instead ? “

But you don't deal with 50 or 60 or more teachers at the same TIME do you? There is NO comparison.

What a silly comment.

@Piglet89

You are not being unreasonable, OP: it’s dehumanising and lazy and I absolutely hate it. Women already do the lion’s share of raising the next generation, plenty of which is drudgery: it would be nice if we - as sentient, intelligent beings - weren’t also anonymised in the process, by HVs’ and midwives’ ubiquitous use of the generic and irritating salutation “mum”.

Also - I am not “precious.” Just capable myself of looking on a file for someone’s name and calling them it. Or bloody asking them how they prefer to be addressed and calling them them that for the duration of my interaction with them, because a) I think it shows diligence and care and that’s something in which I take pride and b) I have a handful of brain cells to rub together.

Not rocket science. Anything less is slapdash and lazy, in my book.

Bloody hell, you sound like hard work. I feel sorry for any teachers or nurses or health visitors etc, who have to deal with someone so prissy, entitled, demanding, and precious. Bet you make sure everyone you know (and come into contact with,) knows that the world revolves around you eh?