To not want them to call me mum?

[littlejalapeno]

It started with the midwives. They preferred to call me mum than use my name when talking to me. I thought well I’m not your mum but you’re probable very busy and it’s easier than remembering names so fine for the 9 months we see each other. But now the bloody health visitor is doing it. I’m not her mum, I’m my baby’s mum, and I get the vibes they’re not doing it to be friendly but to pull rank. AIBU to not want them to call me mum?

I don't know I have been in plenty of multi agency meetings where the chair has said things like,"what is School's view" or equivalent.
Only the dc is there as an individual everyone else is there as a role.

Insideimsprinting if it were easily fixed the use of this language wouldn't be so widespread.

I always said please don't call me mum, I am my ds's or dd's mum, my name is Mrs Roses. I reckon 70% of hcps rolled their eyes.

It is lazy, impolite, and subordinates. It is about power. I have the privilege of choices therefore I always call it out. The staff who do it do not like it. It goes too for the endearements: love, darlin, sweetheart. I don't hear nurses referring to Drs or senior sisters in that way so why do they do it to patients except to disempower?

I don't know I have been in plenty of multi agency meetings where the chair has said things like,"what is School's view" or equivalent.

But in that situation they are not calling someone "School": they are asking representatives of the school to tell the meeting what the views of their colleagues are. If they had, say, the teacher in the room and said "What is Class Teacher's view?" people would think they were mad or rude or both.

Chair is an inanimate object but a jolly clever one if it can speak. When I am chairing I am the Chairwoman .

I think some people are naturally very focused on language and struggle with others using it in ways they consider inappropriate.
Those who are naturally more relaxed can try and fit in with the more prescriptive approach but will probably fail on something.
(I don't refer to people as mum, although I don't care if others refer to me as that, I do use the short hand of chair though)

I hated it too. They know what your name is, it s on the notes. I dont get called Teacher at school by parents. (Dont mind miss from kids).
Also baby as in "how is baby doing?" Her name is Emma fgs!!
I would say through gritted teeth "my name is Ruby, I prefer to be called that thankyou ".
Also Mrs when you re a Miss. Get out of the 1950s. People have kids without being married or taking their OH s name!!

I think you're being over sensitive, are you feeling okay in other areas or perhaps you're projecting frustration from other areas of your life?

If it bothers you enough why don't you explain that you feel unhappy with being called "mum" and prefer a more personal approach, i.e. using you're name. I'm sure they have no idea that it could make people feel like you do, as it's generally a friendly moniker applicable to all the women they encounter each day.

I am "mum" to my children's teachers too, while my ex is "Mr. X". I guess it is just as we are divorced and they don't want to guess which surname I am using now.

I am a paediatrician. I did this at the beginning of my career alot. This was not about pulling rank or being slapdash. Firstly, it was what we did. All the doctors, nurses etc. Everyone learns by example and so you do it too. Secondly as a children's doctor often the parents names aren't easily accessible in the notes, and Mr/Mrs child's surname isn't always right either. Thirdly, in my head I thought it was kind of nice, because I thought I was stressing that I knew they were important.

However, in a similar thread a few years ago many people heartily disagreed with the above points. 😁. With a bit more thought, I decided to stop doing it. It is an extremely ingrained habit and I lapsed alot at first and still do occasionally now. But now I introduce myself at the beginning of a consultation and ask for the parents names. I then use them throughout. When I write a letter, I write it as Jane (Emma's mum) the first time I refer to the mum and thereafter just "Jane". When I bring other doctors in I also introduce them, for example "Tom and Sue, this is Dr Smith, Dr Smith, this is Tom and sue, Fred's parents"

In a neonatal unit I worked in I changed the cot cards so that the mum and dad's name were on them. This made it easier to talk to the mum and dad at the cotside, as while I can remember a name for a consultation, I struggle to remember a whole unit of parents!

What I would say, is I am one of the only hcps I know that do this. Parents often look quite surprised when I ask their name.

Fabulous Nemo. May I ask, however, why you say "Tom and Sue, this is Dr John Smith, who thereafter should be addressed as John if the parents' first names are used.

I work in academia which is very hierarchical and nobody but nobody is referred to as Professor Bloggs any more. It is all first names: students, staff, and even the Vice Chancellor. Why is medicine different?

Ha, when I wrote that I thought it would be picked up on. I always refer to myself by my first name. As a result most parents will tell me their first names. Most consultants want to be referred to as Dr so and so. However (I'm a reg) most of my colleagues work on a first name basis. I think the Dr so and so will die out more as time goes on.

I always hated this. Feels a bit patronising. They should take the trouble to remember your name (or at least look it up.on their notes)
Failing that, just saying 'hi how are you' is so much nicer than 'and how's mum?' Which always made it sound as if we were talking about our shared mother, who was not in the room.
Unfortunately, teachers are big on this too, so you might have to grit your teeth for a good while yet

I dont understand how you would see it as pulling rank

They have a lot of names to remember

One of my siblings is a midwife. When I had DC1 my own sister started calling me mum.

I hated it. She knew I hated it. She did it particularly when ‘advising’ me about the baby.

Imo it has a lot to do with pulling rank.

I think it’s part of being a parent, you stop being “X” and instead become y’s Dad or Mum, I quite liked it

With my first child, I was called into hospital after having some blood tested, they decided I needed to be induced immediately.
My dad came with me.
They said "is this dad?" and I said yes.
The consultant went on to describe how he'd try for a vagina birth, (JFC I was DYING with embaassment with my dad listening!) and then tried to give me an internal with my dad in the room. I've never seen the old man move so fast! 😂
It was AGES later that I realised "is this dad?" meant "is this baby's dad?"

I get why the health professionals do it but it still fucks me right off. YANBU! All those years of being a person, erased by the arrival of a new one. My own mother now calls me mum. 🤦🏼‍♀️ And every time I log onto Netflix and see the ‘mum’ profile (created by either my kids or my husband-too aghast to find out which) another little piece of me dies.😬

As a children’s nurse every day I say “sorry what is your name again” to one or both parents/caters/ grams etc. Then instantly forgot their names until their next appointment. Their children’s names however I remember all the the time because this my patients. I actually don’t care what the adults think as their name is really not what I’m there for. So if that makes me ride or dehumanising “mum” then so be it. Your child is what’s important to me not your name. HTH

“Carers or grans”

I actually don’t care what the adults think.

Charming, but admirably clear on the parents’ role in their children’s healthcare. Kudos for actually owning it.

Ffs too many spelling mistakes. Also not in my nature to pull rank and not in any of my colleagues either. I’d say it’s more about how you see yourself if that’s what you think.

OH MY GOD I HATE THIS!!!!

My kids are hospitalised with viral wheeze quite regularly and I just get called "mum" the whole time. I'm a fucking person with a whole fucking name of my own!

On the other hand, they're looking after my kid and keeping them alive so I do suck it up and let it go.

Before you have the baby you're your name. Once that kid pops out it's mum going forward. This is how it is now. You're not alone, but you're probably gonna have to get used to it.

Also, having a child in hospital can be very upsetting and to feel like your identity is being taken away in the midst of all that, especially if you're on zero sleep in over 24 hours can be really hard.

As a professional that works with mum's and dad's, it is impossible to remember everyone's names and using descriptives is an easy way of identifying who you're talking to.

I did not put apostrophes in there 🤨🙄

Pull them up on it. It's rude and patronising. They should ask you how you prefer to be addressed - and I'd reply with a firm "Mrs ..." or "Miss ...'
but it's up to you to decide on the level of formality. How do they introduce themselves? If it's Dr/Nurse surname, then they should offer you the same courtesy.