To tell him I can’t have a baby with him??

[CombyourhairNow]

Hi

Not really sure what I’m after advise wise but can’t really talk to anyone so was hoping for perspective.

Been with husband for 6 years. Have two boys (8,12) from previous relationship. Great relationship with their dad all very amicable so we try and do 50/50. I’m always off in holidays etc so always with me when not at school through week.

DH isn’t a bad person, but he likes everything a certain way. A tidy house etc... likes to save money and not spend too much. Has to be involved in every decision 🙄 he just about planned the whole wedding 😳 he likes to take control shall we say and most of the time I’m ok with that but sometimes it gets in my tit ends.

On a positive note, he works hard and is by far the main breadwinner as he owns his own company and he’s is good with my two boys and plays with them etc.

The thing is, ‘his ways’ get too much. Feels like I live with an army sergeant at times. We’ve all got to keep the doors closed to keep the heat in, turn lights off when not in room, dry shower out after each use, not touch the walls when we walk down stairs cos they mark, no shoes in house, I was even told I splash the sink too much when I was washing my hands once 😳

When I bring those things to his attention he says he just wants to keep the house nice as it’s a lot of money we paid and of course to some degree he’s right but he won’t accept that he’s OTT.

My concern is that my two children will think he’s a pain in the arse because he’s always lights off etc, close your lips when you eat... “don’t touch the sofa until you get the apple juice off your hands Harry”
It’s like ffs pick your battles. He hasn’t poured a cup of water in the sofa!

He says he wants them to have nice manners when they’re older and so how do you argue with that.

The second thing is he wants us to have a baby and right now I couldn’t cope with the way he is and a baby!! I’ve tried to explain that babies will make a mess and there’ll be times when stuff gets splashed on the wall, where it spews on the sofa or carpet and he’s like oh it’ll be fine, but his neat freak, OCD ways just make me want to leave him, never mind have a baby with him.

I don’t know how to tell him and it’s hard because although he’s OTT he does have a nice side and I do love him but not enough to have a baby because we’ll end up separating and I’ll have a newborn.

It’s so hard as I’ve got no where to go either and I don’t want to uproot my two children until something is finalised.

I half want to say that I can barely manage with the way he is at times now so if he wants us to stay together he really needs to chill out about insignificant stuff. And that I don’t think we’d still be together if we do have a baby so it’s either he stays with me and no baby or we separate and he meets someone else to have a baby with??

Most of his requests are reasonable in and of themselves (though the wall one made me roll my eyes a bit).

I have very mild CP and my balance as a child was not the best. Our walls were very grubby thank to my wall leaning, particularly on the stairs.

If there are no balance issues, I can understand parents wanting to curb any tendency towards this.

If you're not happy in your relationship you're not. That's unlikely to change unless you do something about it. And will he get worse as he gets older or when he retires and is at home all the time? How would you cope with that?

Talk to him. Have counselling together. See if he can change. If not, you're better off alone imo - you and your kids deserve to be happy and comfortable in your own home.

My DH is a bit like this (mess stresses him out as his mother is a hoarder), and having a baby forced him to relax.

Not sure what sort of settlement you'd get if you've only been married 6 years especially if you work more than 16 hours a week plus , of course, they're not his kids so unless he's formally adopted them he has no legal or financial obligation. You'd need to take professional legal advice but listen carefully to what they say.

If you think your parter is to controlling to have a baby with, why are you inflicting him on your existing children?

We all want to have a nice house but it sounds like that’s not the issue. Nobody should feel like they are walking on eggshells in their home.

I left a very abusive and controlling relationship and some of the signs are only obvious now. For example the washing up had to be done in a specific way and I wasn’t allowed to use a washing up bowl. He would get very angry if I did it wrong.

It sounds like he is standing over you and criticising you while you do housework. That isn’t right.

It is fine to have high standards about the house and spending money etc. But if one person in the relationship is the one who sets the standards and decides what the money is spent on that isn’t right.

There's a world of difference between making sure children are brought up tidily with nice manners and Sergeant Majoring in your own house. He's not too bad at the moment because the children are still young enough to be biddable, what do you think he will be like when they are young teenagers?

This

It’s not ‘the rules’ it’s the constant watching and monitoring their behaviour, must be awful to live in a space you can’t breathe in!

I’ll tell you what happens to the teens, they find a nice comfy mates house and hang round their until they have to go home. They eat chips in the sofa, drink in the living room.

I think it would be helpful to look at marriage counselling.

Could there be a possibility of having a chill out room/den where anything goes? We have a room a bit like this. It’s often a tip although carefully planned so everything has a place and can get tidied up easily at the end of the day. Storage space for things etc.

If there is not space in the house you can buy them ready made for the garden. Maybe the kids could help plan it.

It doesn’t matter if his rules are reasonable or not it’s that he actually thinks he’s in charge.
Wait until your children are older you won’t see them they will be at their mates house where they can breathe. Maybe that’s the plan?
Are the poster with the long school run@CombyourhairNow

I lived with someone who was obsessed with being clean & tidy. It was fucking awful. Even after a night shift I was expected to hang my uniform up and not leave anything on the floor. Oddly, the rules didn’t apply to his DC when they visited. I am messy but have learned to try and be tidier as my lovely DH is way better at tidying and being organised. I just don’t care, if clothes are in piles in the spare room, so what? DH does about 90% of the housework as left to me, I’d get a cleaner as I just hate doing it and can’t be arsed.

The switching off lights and closing doors is common sense though, I hate sitting in draughty rooms (and paying for heating) and why have lights on in the bedroom if we’re all in the kitchen? An 8 year old shouldn’t need a cloth at the table but should be capable of knowing to wash their hands if they’ve got food/drink/paint/whatever on them. A lot is basic manners. I HATE the sound of people eating and so I’d agree with him telling them to eat with their mouths closed.

That said, no way would DH or anyone be telling me if I could get a takeaway.

There certainly sounds like a compatability issue here at least.

It's not necessarily that the "rules" are bad, it's the inflexibility and frequency that become relentless and cause a bad atmosphere. Leaving a door open and light on for 45 seconds to get a drink of water is different to leaving them when you're done in there for the night. If it's inflexibly commented on every single time for whatever reason, then it does become unreasonable and intolerable for most people to live with.

Normally in a relationship there is compromise over time. Sometimes people are on their best behaviour for a while and it takes a while for things to slip into their natural state. People may appear compatible for a few years, then the cracks appear and resentment slips in.

Definitely do not have a baby with him. It sounds like you are reviewing the relationship anyway.

The switching off lights and closing doors is common sense though

Depends OP said even if they leave their room to get a glass of water they must close the door.

I wonder if this applies to lights as well? Going from kitchen to living room, lights off, return to kitchen for second time lights on ... etc it can be extreme

I know what I’m like too if he was nagging me 24/7 I’d be doing it on purpose just to wind the miserable fucker up.
He takes all the joy out of the house.

If this was reverse and a poster complained that she had to keep nagging her dh and dc for simple basic manners, I think the response would be different.

Perhaps OP's dh is fed up of nagging?

Also I’m usually the one that makes sure they close their mouth etc, shoes off etc but on the occasion I sometimes let it slip cos I think there’s bigger things to worry about and I want to give them a break

It sounds like it's ok when it's you reminding them, but not ok when he does it?

He’ll tell me we’ve spent a bit more this month so we’ll have to have no takeaways etc until I get paid. I mean if I want a takeaway I should be able to get one without a disapproving look from anyone!

This sounds sensible - if you've agreed a spending limit for the month and go over it, then he wants to hold off on further spending until next month.

... but that's assuming you agreed a spending limit together. Did you? Or is he expecting to impose his rules onto you without discussion or compromise?

I would try and have a proper conversation about meeting in the middle with both of your expectations. Find some agreement if you can, and see if you can both live with it. You may just be incompatible.

re your worry that it would make your kids reflect on how much nicer things are at their dad’s, that depends. My dad was much stricter than my mum, and had less money/was stingy anyway, but we loved him anyway and had fun at his house despite being expected to do chores there that we never did at Mum’s. What we had a problem with was our stepmother, who moved in later (so we were well used to doing chores etc before she turned up - it wasn’t that) and was sometimes horrible to us and we pinned the blame firmly on her rather than wondering why our dad let her treat us like that. Your kids will put the blame where it belongs, but when they grow up they’ll consider whether you should have changed things for their sake. By contrast, our stepdad was very tidy and a neat freak and used to moan about us dropping stuff in the hallway or leaving plates around, but he was lovely so we just got used to his ways. It’s all down to whether the stepparent is actually a dick or not, and only you can answer that.

That’s the issue though, some of the ‘rules’ aren’t terrible

In isolation, perhaps, but the big picture? Stressful and demoralising.

It's easy to dismiss a highly problematic or damaging situation by zooming in on tiny aspects in isolation, but doing so isn't reflective of what's actually going on. I think that accounts for a lot of the variation in responses - some people are looking at the big picture and context, and some people are failing to.

Bear in mind too that there are posters on this website that will downplay and dismiss even significant abuse or tell posters the abuse they're suffering doesn't matter and isn't a good reason to leave a relationship because it is not within the most extreme level of violent abuse.

You and your children are not having to live with one of these examples in isolation, you're having to live in the wider environment they create as a whole.

To me, it sounds unhealthy and unhappy, and I think it's right to consider seriously the impact of forcing children to live this way. You can choose to stay or go and make your own peace with living this way if you stay, but they cannot.

He sounds fine. He just has different house standards to you.

In an ideal world you would both compromise but to be honest, his rules sound normal and decent to me. So maybe he needs to be with someone who these things would be normal to and so do you.

If not you both need to compromise but to be honest I never had to compromise on shoes off or wiping splashes up etc as these things were all normal things to teach children, just like wiping your bum and chewing with your mouth closed.

BUT IS THE COMMUTING BABY GUY?

I'm not the only one that asked. Because if you linked to any of your other threads, the advice you are getting today would be very, very different.

Your DH is a muppet and you need to get you and your boys away from him - not have another baby.

@CombyourhairNow I do feel your pain and totally understand your frustrations!

I think unless you have lived with someone like this no one can really appreciate how difficult it is. My mum is like this and it's extremely stressful and frustrating. Individually not necessarily OTT requests but when it is constant with no leeway it can make others extremely anxious. It is no way to live.

She has got worse as she's got older and whilst she used to be almost like a best friend, now I can hardly bear to be around her for any length of time. It is now just not the cleanliness side with her, it is with everything.

I could not be married to someone like that as it is miserable.

Sounds awful to me OP, really over the top. I would last about a day. Shutting internal doors like that is crazy. My old dad used to say you were trying to hide something if doors were closed and then used to burst through them like he was trying to catch you doing something untoward.

Plus the money thing - who put him in charge? Ugh....

You knew all of this before you met him!

Met? Or did you mean married?

In any case, people don't often show their true colours until after major life events such as marriage or having children.

I'm leaning to the controlling side. The taking over the wedding, the finances, all point towards not having a baby with this man, and I'd be leaving.