To tell him I can’t have a baby with him??

[CombyourhairNow]

Hi

Not really sure what I’m after advise wise but can’t really talk to anyone so was hoping for perspective.

Been with husband for 6 years. Have two boys (8,12) from previous relationship. Great relationship with their dad all very amicable so we try and do 50/50. I’m always off in holidays etc so always with me when not at school through week.

DH isn’t a bad person, but he likes everything a certain way. A tidy house etc... likes to save money and not spend too much. Has to be involved in every decision 🙄 he just about planned the whole wedding 😳 he likes to take control shall we say and most of the time I’m ok with that but sometimes it gets in my tit ends.

On a positive note, he works hard and is by far the main breadwinner as he owns his own company and he’s is good with my two boys and plays with them etc.

The thing is, ‘his ways’ get too much. Feels like I live with an army sergeant at times. We’ve all got to keep the doors closed to keep the heat in, turn lights off when not in room, dry shower out after each use, not touch the walls when we walk down stairs cos they mark, no shoes in house, I was even told I splash the sink too much when I was washing my hands once 😳

When I bring those things to his attention he says he just wants to keep the house nice as it’s a lot of money we paid and of course to some degree he’s right but he won’t accept that he’s OTT.

My concern is that my two children will think he’s a pain in the arse because he’s always lights off etc, close your lips when you eat... “don’t touch the sofa until you get the apple juice off your hands Harry”
It’s like ffs pick your battles. He hasn’t poured a cup of water in the sofa!

He says he wants them to have nice manners when they’re older and so how do you argue with that.

The second thing is he wants us to have a baby and right now I couldn’t cope with the way he is and a baby!! I’ve tried to explain that babies will make a mess and there’ll be times when stuff gets splashed on the wall, where it spews on the sofa or carpet and he’s like oh it’ll be fine, but his neat freak, OCD ways just make me want to leave him, never mind have a baby with him.

I don’t know how to tell him and it’s hard because although he’s OTT he does have a nice side and I do love him but not enough to have a baby because we’ll end up separating and I’ll have a newborn.

It’s so hard as I’ve got no where to go either and I don’t want to uproot my two children until something is finalised.

I half want to say that I can barely manage with the way he is at times now so if he wants us to stay together he really needs to chill out about insignificant stuff. And that I don’t think we’d still be together if we do have a baby so it’s either he stays with me and no baby or we separate and he meets someone else to have a baby with??

Has to be involved in every decision
I’d be interested to know more about this?

I still don’t understand why you didn’t work this out before you brought him into your children’s lives and married him.

I have a friend who was exactly as OP’s husband, perhaps much worse. Then she had a dog, and a few years later a child (on her own), the pressures of having a baby certainly cured her perfectionism. Her house is now a happy mess and she is perfectly ok with it.

But I would say that once he has his own child, the standards he currently have will be relaxed for his baby but not for your kids, and that’s where the real hell starts.

I am a bit between the 2 views here - he does sound like a bit of a 'fun sponge' but on the other hand most of his ideas are fairly reasonable - they key thing is surely how OP perceives and feels about it. Being that irritated and hemmed in by someone stops you liking and fancying them eventually. The relationship is not going to last happily if OP continues to feel like this. Definatley no baby - the DH has no idea how disruptive they are and it is going to drive him crazy. He is a bit of a control freak and babies cannot be controlled like that. I agree with everyone's suggestions about counselling. If he wants to maintain this life with you all - he will be prepared to do it - if he's not then that suggests he is unable to view things from another persons perespective and living with him will just become unbearable to you.

To be fair, I'm never going to win any awards for a tidy house, but some of those things are basic. My sofa was not cheap, so kids aren't allowed to eat/drink on it or to wipe hands on it or leave fucking apple cores on it.

Even though they KNOW a polar bear dies every time a light is left on, I have still used the Blackpool illuminations simile on many an occasion, usually accompanied by a 'ffs'.

Dd eats with her mouth open. I may well kill her o n e day, but until.now, nagging her to eat in a civilised way will suffice.I can't bear to hear any of them.eating. my problem, I know.

I too, have told them to.keep hands off the wall. I work ridiculous hours; I'm not washing the walls cos no.fucker will use the banister.

I splash. It does Dh's head in. But he puts potatoes in.the salad drawer, so we're even.

No one is allowed to eat on.the fluffy rug too, because they are incapable of using plates.

Dh gets frustrated cos we have to constantly remind them, but this is what kids are like and we will probably have to bag them until they get their own.homes.

By the way, I don’t think what he is doing is that bad, but if you don’t get a minute without being barked an instruction it gets overwhelming.

I find this a really difficult one to call. Most of his requests are reasonable in and of themselves (though the wall one made me roll my eyes a bit). And you say he expresses himself nicely. I think it's the fact that the state of the house - rather than the people in it - seems to be front and centre priority-wise for him that you are struggling with, and I probably would too.

But you also sound remarkably lukewarm about him, even this aside. I also get the sense that you don't want another baby (with him, or at all?) full stop, even if this issue were sorted. You don't seem suited to each other. I think you need to think beyond this issue and fundamentally about what you want, and be honest with him as soon as you can if you don't want a baby. There's a worrying note of you staying out of financial dependence in your OP (nowhere to go etc) and I think that's also a position you need to sort out.

My concern is that my two children will think he’s a pain in the arse because he’s always lights off etc, close your lips when you eat... “don’t touch the sofa until you get the apple juice off your hands Harry”

This is just good manners. Something any 8 & 12 year old should know by now.

I had a child with a man who was exactly like this (maybe slightly worse) then spent the following 4 years living in misery. It was like living in a show home.. I finally left and have my own lovely home with my DD and its is a home :-)

I remember the first day i moved in and left a cup in the sink.. the feeling of not having to wash it up straight away was liberating!

I think you need to talk to him seriously as living with someone like that and having the stress of a baby/toddler is unbearable and i wouldn't wish it on anybody.

Why did you and your boys dad split up ?

The finances too he controls

Do you have access to the accounts and are these things reviewed and discussed jointly? Do you have your own account and then transfer money across for bills and savings?

He needs to hear from someone else how overbearing and unreasonable he is being

I don't think he'll hear it from anyone - or change.

This man would be s fkg nightmare to have a BA y with op, sorry.

And I'm amazed his behaviour isn't causing anxiety in your boys (and you).

@Girlking why is that relevant?

*baby

We snack on our sofa a fair bit so a few sticky fingers will make no difference what so ever.

I think there is a huge difference between not marking walls and never touching walls - the first is reasonable - when my kids get in all mucky I ask them to wash their hands in the kitchen sink before going upstairs. Same with the sofa - if your DS had sticky hands, fair enough - but if they have to wash their hands every time they've had a glass of juice in case its magically made their hands sticky then that's different. More than all that though there is a difference between having a few rules to keep the house nice (rules that are flexible enough to allow comfortable living) and controlling every aspect of the life of a family. The issue with coercive control (which is illegal and abusive) is when you try to explain or write down what is happening in your family each piece of behaviour can sound reasonable - it's the cumulative effect of all of these behaviour on your mental wellbeing that make it abuse. And often the final straw is something that sounds innocuous - which allows the abuser to appear innocent and the victim irrational.

I have rtft and all the time I was wondering what the actual problem was. I don't see the "rules" he has as being controlling or OTT. They are all sensible actually - if you want to keep your home clean and not be constantly having to touch up the paintwork on the stairs, it's a good idea to remind people to keep the hands off the walls. Asking the children to eat with their mouths closed is instilling good manners. It's disgusting when people eat with their mouths open.
You also said he reminds everyone politely - so I didn't really see a problem with this. So I wondered why you would want to leave him for this and then you post this:

The finances too he controls. He’ll tell me we’ve spent a bit more this month so we’ll have to have no takeaways etc until I get paid. I mean if I want a takeaway I should be able to get one without a disapproving look from anyone! Could understand if it meant we couldn’t afford the mortgage but we can and we save about £700 a month.... so his argument we can’t afford it is ridiculous.

So in fact it's way more than the difference in standards of housekeeping involved here. He shouldn't be controlling the finances to this extent. Does he earn a lot more than you and maybe feels he is subsidizing two children that aren't his? He sounds very tight with his money though and I couldn't live with someone like this.

I think the top and bottom of it is we aren’t as compatible as I’d hoped.

That's the conclusion I came to quite early on in the thread - your standards around the home aren't compatible. Neither is really wrong or right - they just don't match up.
And you're not compatible financially either.

Your OP really does read as if you've decided you want to leave him and are waiting for the right time. Don't have a baby with him and make your plans to leave.

You knew all of this before you met him! How you can say he’s the problem I don’t know. Just leave, he’s clearly not ever going to be good enough for you.

^This. Why did you marry him? Hoping he’ll change?

The only part that seems potentially a bit worrying to me is that it's ALL his rules and there's no compromise. But he clearly isn't having a go at you all or yelling etc. I mean, if he was posting on here would it be, "DW and DSC are simply incapable of keeping even basic tidiness requirements like not wiping sticky hands on couches/walls, turning lights off and closing doors. AIBU for just wanting the house to be nice and asking for a basic level of cleanliness".

However, if there's no compromise then that's more worrying. eg, if every single thing he thinks should be done MUST be done, every time. That's an issue.

Ditto on finances. My ears usually prick up when I hear people commenting on finances and the potential for control issues but... if as a couple you agree to save a certain amount and have certain set expenses, and you then go over those, and he's the one who tracks this stuff, then it doesn't seem weird to me for him to say, '"we need to reign in the spending for a bit." I am the main breadwinner in our family but on any given day have absolutely no idea what is in our account. DH is the one who says, "Hang on, we're getting a little crazy, we need to dial it back". That's not controlling, it's him taking responsibility for monitoring our finances in a way that I don't.

I personally dont think his rules are that bad, and it sounds like your DC do have a good relationship with him, he plays with them etc.
I think the issue is that you clearly dont love him anymore and in that case why are you still there?
Is it finances that are keeping you there?

He treats your children as if they are an inconvenience, the main thing he notices about them is the amount of mess and untidiness that they cause, my concern would be that if you have a child with this man he will treat his own child very differently... This joint child would be employed as a weapon to make your own children feel and unwelcome and you will be caught in the middle of it all

For example dc dad has all of his doors open so they never have to close them there or turn light off etc.... he never bags at them and I’m worried they’ll resent being here and prefer to stay with they’d dad.

Parenting shouldn't be a race to the bottom though. You should instil good manners and respect for their home into your kids, even if their father won't.

Whilst his rules don’t seem unreasonable on the surface, it does sound as though you live in a very uptight and unrelaxed environment.

Not being able to leave a door open whilst you get a drink is just over the top.

From what you have said I would consider him controlling more than house proud I think.

My kids need reminders to do things, but sometimes I just think give them a break and let them be kids. I don’t want to nag them constant I can always wash a dirty wall or clean a shower! It’s more important to me that they are relaxed and happy.

My DH runs his own business, and sounds quite similar. He's used to making every decision at work, and tries to do the same at home.

Only he's reminded each and every time that we share our home, and no one put him in charge. It sounds like you need to stand up for yourself a bit here, nitpicking at kids constantly can be really damaging to them long term. No one should feel like they are walking on eggshells in their own home. If you are, then something needs to change. I can completely understand not bringing a baby into that environment. I think you need an honest talk that you're not enjoying life much due to his ways.

There's a world of difference between making sure children are brought up tidily with nice manners and Sergeant Majoring in your own house. He's not too bad at the moment because the children are still young enough to be biddable, what do you think he will be like when they are young teenagers? When they shout back 'I'm just closing the fucking door!' or throw food, or will they not dare to speak up for themselves and just be little Stepford teenagers? Because that sort of thing tends to leak out into bad behaviour outside the house...

Do you have any pets? Has he ever had any pets? Because the way someone behaves with an animal that is unpredictable and simply can't be 'told' to wipe their feet, not lick the butter, not to come in wet, can be a good identifier of how someone will be with a young child. And I don't mean a well trained dog, but something more random, a puppy or a cat.