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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you shouldn't do this if you're in a relationship?

183 replies

JPG2017 · 02/01/2020 17:50

If a man has a partner, should he be texting another woman everyday?

The messages involve talking about life, beliefs, passions etc., and they are LONG. About 25 paragraphs sent over a few days. The woman replies the same.

A lot of him saying "I'll have to explain this to you in person" and "you're the only person I know who would ask such an intelligent question" / "you're the only person I know who's this interesting to speak to".

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
JPG2017 · 04/01/2020 18:12

I kept saying "what does intimate mean?" and he was just saying "intimate, like you would be with an old friend"

and I said "kissing? or sex?"

and he said not sex.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/01/2020 18:15

He's a waste of space... you should never put up with a man who dismisses your feelings like that.

MoonlightMistletoe · 04/01/2020 18:15

What having an emotional affair with someone he's been in a relationship with in the past?
YANBU.

HannaYeah · 04/01/2020 18:16

This is 100% not about you. Your only role was that you bumped into the wrong guy and trusted him to be truly available and honest about his feelings for you.

Do not beat yourself up or think yourself less. It’s not about you, your looks, your brain or your value as a person. He’s behaved horribly. He lacks character.

But do learn from it. There are people out there that will use us for company and comfort while still pining for someone else. Be leery of them. Do what you can to protect yourself and your heart.

Do you have any good friends that can get you out tonight? Take your mind off it?

NemophilistRebel · 04/01/2020 18:17

Any man I know just couldn’t be bothered as surly This would be enough to get in the way of home life and general day to day stuff?

MsDogLady · 04/01/2020 18:17

Just saw your update. You were so right to block him. He thinks he has the upper hand and that you will come running when he clicks his fingers. Prove him wrong.

You deserve so much better than this cruel loser.

NemophilistRebel · 04/01/2020 18:20

Yes sorry didn’t RTFT.
Definitely block

What a prize prick

thickwoollytights · 04/01/2020 18:22

Please don't feel humiliated

He is not a nice person

Trust me when I say that you are LUCKY to have discovered what an unpleasant person he is

Please keep him on block and hold your head up high

You are going to have the best 2020 without dragging his manipulative arse along with you

Thanks
Elieza · 04/01/2020 19:00

Thank god you found out now what a prick he is before you did anything you’d regret.

He’s clearly kissed her again.

And he’s certainly right about you and him ‘wanting different things’.
He wants his cake and eat it with two women. You want a monogamous relationship with one man.
He’s such an arse and should be ashamed of himself. Prick.

Just remember what goes around comes around. What you put into life you get back. Someday someone will do to him what he’s done to you. And he won’t like it. But you won’t care as you will be happy with some fab, nice guy then and you won’t even remember that prick Smile

TwentyViginti · 04/01/2020 19:25

I'm raging for you, JPG. He's totally taken advantage of your lack of experience, and thinks he can have two women on the go. Egotistical twat.

Keep him blocked - he'll hurt you over and over if you continue with him. Keep posting here. Most of us have been heartbroken over undeserving men, and we got over it and learned from it.

Your friend is a dick too - it isn't controlling to not want to be a passenger in your own life!

mysmidgey · 04/01/2020 19:59

He text me back saying "I need some headspace from you tonight, I think we want different things

Yes he wants to gaslight and fuck with your head and you want someone normal. He isn't normal.

HannaYeah · 04/01/2020 20:06

By the way, their relationship also I’d really unlikely to work out in the end. They didn’t work the first time. There’s a reason for that.

She probably won’t even want him once she realizes he’s single again.

Keep him blocked but expect him to come chasing you once he realizes it. Stay strong!

Original poster
JPG2017 · 04/01/2020 21:35

he has messaged me on Facebook after I blocked his number.

he has told me that he can't see me again, and that he is still in love with his ex-girlfriend, and he wants to commit all his time to her.

he has said sorry for involving me in the "mess" but he has to follow his heart.

OP posts:
Original poster
JPG2017 · 04/01/2020 21:36

and he's removed me off all his social media. so that's that

OP posts:
Greenwingmemories · 04/01/2020 21:43

What a cunt.

Please don't think this reflects badly on you OP. It purely shows only him in a bad light. You've been very strong standing up to him which will benefit you in future relationships.

He probably likes his ex because he has to chase her. If she wants him he'll probably go cool with her anyway. You really wouldn't want a relationship with a manipulative twonk like him. He'll never do proper intimacy.

Cotswolds10 · 04/01/2020 22:07

I know you feel heartbroken but, in time, you will come to see what a lucky escape you had. And it’s all down to following your own instincts and pushing him on this. So don’t feel humiliated. Feel proud of yourself that you didn’t take his shit lying down and that your twat radar is working well. Upthread, I was convinced you were going to just put up with it. My apologies. You are a strong, smart woman. You will get back up again and you’ll find someone worthy. Flowers

MRex · 04/01/2020 22:18

I'm pleased for you @JPG2017. It hurts now, but far better than wasting any more time on the loser cheating fuckwad. Take care of yourself.

Elieza · 04/01/2020 23:28

He’s a disrespectful using bastard.

At least you know the MN hive mind was right about him.

You look after yourself OP. Flowers

HannaYeah · 04/01/2020 23:40

Hurts like hell but just be glad you found out quickly and it didn’t drag on.

Flowers
MsDogLady · 04/01/2020 23:42

He is a disgusting man who has no integrity. You are devastated, but try to remember that he has major character flaws that enable him to lie, cheat, use and manipulate for his own gain. He is certainly no prize. This woman likely dumped him before and will do so again.

You are the winner here. You deserve a mutually loving and respectful relationship, and now you have the opportunity to find just that.

Momniscient · 04/01/2020 23:48

I recommend reading "The Sixty Minute Marriage". There's a bit in there how in affairs/new relationships the communication is always easy. A lot of these "no-one listens like you do!" type things. If this is your partner... it can be saved. You two need a sit down and to figure out what you had in the beginning and how to get it back. He's lonely. Whatever connection you have at the moment isn't sustaining him. Chances are same goes for you, too. Best of luck

Momniscient · 04/01/2020 23:50

Just rtft. Assumed you were long term partners from the first post... well. He'll remember soon enough why they split up the first time? Still good luck! Grin

PatchworkElmer · 05/01/2020 00:02

I’m so sorry @JPG2017

thickwoollytights · 05/01/2020 06:45

OP - as I said previously none of this says anything about you.

It hurts when people mess us around - and we've all been messed around at some point - but it's ALWAYS best to find out early on, that they're an utter waste of space

You need to concentrate on you now. Do things which make you feel joy and happiness and remember how lucky you are to have dodged this bullet xxx

Expo · 05/01/2020 07:24

Had to come and say - a lot of us are older and wiser than you @JPG2017 (this is your first boyfriend) - but if I were your mother I would be sitting with you now laughing at that experience and what a complete shit he is. Just everything about his behaviour is so shit it is laughable. So dust yourself down and put it down to experience and laugh. And then don’t waste another moment thinking about him. You know it won’t work out for him with this ‘woman who can have whichever man she wants’ don’t you!!! It’s so laughable we would be sitting together cackling. Head up OP