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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you shouldn't do this if you're in a relationship?

183 replies

JPG2017 · 02/01/2020 17:50

If a man has a partner, should he be texting another woman everyday?

The messages involve talking about life, beliefs, passions etc., and they are LONG. About 25 paragraphs sent over a few days. The woman replies the same.

A lot of him saying "I'll have to explain this to you in person" and "you're the only person I know who would ask such an intelligent question" / "you're the only person I know who's this interesting to speak to".

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Hanab · 03/01/2020 00:22

Right now it seems as if you are a convenience whilst he engages with her .. does he text you?
Does he gush about anything with you or of you?

You should have a frank conversation with him .. air your worries and ask where do you stand or what are you in his life?

Life is too short to waste it on the sidelines 🌷

SweetMarmalade · 03/01/2020 00:28

How often do you see eachother?

Shinnoo · 03/01/2020 00:50

And how come you have already managed to get hold of his phone?!?

Original poster
JPG2017 · 03/01/2020 01:02

We've been together a few months.

His phone was pinging all night a few nights ago - the noise annoys me so I asked him to switch it to silent... and then I was wondering who was texting him. I asked as we were watching a film at his house and he said it was a group chat.

He puts his phone connected to the bluetooth in his car on the dashboard magnetic thing, and when we were driving home from a date it came up with a nickname (basically a cutesy baby name) and messages with brackets of the number (35).

He's told me his pin when I've been changing music etc in the car, so I checked when he went to sleep.

I know this doesn't paint me in a good light, but I was right to be suspicious

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 03/01/2020 02:11

Do not worry about looking. You had good reason and needed to know the lay of the land.

They have started an affair. Not only has he lied to you (dealbreaker?), there are a multitude of other red flags. Pet names, over-frequent level of contact, massively long messages involving mutual idealization, interacting at night, finding excuses to see each other.

They were together for years and have so easily slipped into their old communication patterns. Things are escalating.

Don’t tolerate his disloyalty and disrespect. Move on and find a man with integrity.

poppet31 · 03/01/2020 09:51

I think you need to accept he's not over her, OP. I wouldn't waste anymore time on someone who has no respect for you.

champagneandfromage50 · 03/01/2020 09:57

Why are you wasting your time with him? He clearly isn't over her, you are both still young and in a new relationship. You should be in the throes of passion not worrying about him sending essay like texts to an ex

Sunflowersok · 03/01/2020 11:10

Sounds like a borderline emotional affair Op

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/01/2020 11:12

Another vote for an emotional affair. Sorry.

Time to kick him to the kerb. Flowers

Thehop · 03/01/2020 11:15

Get rid.

Original poster
JPG2017 · 03/01/2020 13:04

Had a big argument with DP.

He told me that he could speak to who he wants, and that having an intellectual connection with her is something he will always have.

He said he wasn't sleeping with her or flirting with her so he didnt see the problem.

He said he never speaks about our relationship so it's not an emotional affair. When I asked if she knew he was in a relationship he said it hadn't come up.

Feeling sick

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 03/01/2020 13:09

He has to be the biggest exporter of manure in Britain!! He's gaslighting and minimizing. Get rid.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/01/2020 13:11

Don't feel sick. Get angry. He's totally taking the piss out of you.

What a wanker, does he really expect you to believe all that?

As said above. Get rid. And now.

HaileySherman · 03/01/2020 13:28

If it's your partner, i would not like it if i were you.

Sunflowersok · 03/01/2020 13:40

Gaslighting now... he sounds entitled and selfish Op

Cotswolds10 · 03/01/2020 14:57

Op, come on now. He hasn’t told her he’s in a relationship because he doesn’t want her to know. And there can only be one reason for that. And you know exactly what that is in the pit of your stomach. I am so sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation but he isn’t showing you any respect and only you can get yourself out of this situation. And that’s by either walking away or telling him it’s not acceptable if he wishes to remain in a relationship with you. But if you choose the latter of the two options he will either choose her or he will just continue messaging her in secret. He plainly doesn’t intend to stop this any time soon. The best thing you can do is find your inner self-respect and tell him to go fuck himself.

nowaypose · 03/01/2020 15:00

Definitely not, I’d be kissing his ass goodbye.

Elieza · 03/01/2020 15:00

At least you know where you stand for certain now OP.

He hasn’t told her he’s in a relationship. Because he doesn’t want her to know about you. He’s not proud of you and singing your praises to a friend like a normal guy would brag about you. He’s hiding you. He wants his cake and eat it. Two women wanting him. He must feel so pleased with himself.

Leave him to it. You can never trust him again. Sorry OP. You deserved better.

MsDogLady · 03/01/2020 15:33

He has recently met up with her and has written 25+ paragraphs, but never managed to mention you? He wants to appear single. He wants to gush and tell her she’s the most interesting person ever. He wants to revel in her complements. Of course that is flirting.

Don’t allow him to manipulate you with his defensiveness and minimizing. This is absolutely an emotional affair. His claim that it isn’t because he hasn’t moaned about your relationship to her is ridiculous. He is taking you for a fool.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 03/01/2020 15:34

Get out now. It will cause you more pain and anguish if you stay.

Arnoldthecat · 03/01/2020 15:43

and does he have the same deep conversations with you on a wide range of subjects?

NearlyGranny · 03/01/2020 15:50

Pretty sure he's hers if she wants him. Completely sure you shouldn't be nosing on his phone.

MistsofAvalon · 03/01/2020 15:51

I would not feel comfortable with this, especially between ex partners. It is emotionally intimate and insulting to you with the 'flattering' comments to this person.

Is he open about the amount of messaging going on (and the content)? If he's keeping it secret from you there's a problem. I wouldn't feel comfortable about it even if he was open about it.

MistsofAvalon · 03/01/2020 15:54

Sorry OP, just saw your update. Awful, so sorry. Gaslighting, defensive and unkind. Hope you're OK.

hellsbellsmelons · 03/01/2020 16:10

What the hell Has talking about your relationship got to do with anything?
An EA is an EA.
I'd be dumping this one OP.
Throw him back and let them gush together without you in the picture.
How would he really feel if it was reversed?
If you were messaging an ex like he is?
I bet he wouldn't be happy.
Dump and run OP.
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>