Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you shouldn't do this if you're in a relationship?

183 replies

JPG2017 · 02/01/2020 17:50

If a man has a partner, should he be texting another woman everyday?

The messages involve talking about life, beliefs, passions etc., and they are LONG. About 25 paragraphs sent over a few days. The woman replies the same.

A lot of him saying "I'll have to explain this to you in person" and "you're the only person I know who would ask such an intelligent question" / "you're the only person I know who's this interesting to speak to".

Thoughts?

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 02/01/2020 21:48

Only ok if it is his mum, and even then he shouldn't be saying things that diss you by implication!

Strongmummy · 02/01/2020 21:48

@jpg2017 go with him

Original poster
JPG2017 · 02/01/2020 21:49

I can't go with him. Were a relatively new relationship.

And it seems too controlling to do that.

OP posts:
Russellbrandshair · 02/01/2020 21:52

I know someone who did this and it’s a cautionary tale. I warned them they were having an emotional affair but they wouldn’t listen. This went on and on until one day they ended up sleeping together. It almost ended both their marriages and they never speak now. It’s a very slippery slope

LittleBearPad · 02/01/2020 21:53

Be careful you don’t get hurt op. This isn’t on!

Cotswolds10 · 02/01/2020 21:53

Yes, I wondered if you were quite new as you mention he still has some of her stuff. He’s still into her, without a doubt. Who dumped who, out of interest? And how long ago did they break up? Not that it makes a huge difference. I’d walk away. Sorry Sad

HideYourBabiesAndYourBeadwork · 02/01/2020 21:55

"you're the only person I know who would ask such an intelligent question" / "you're the only person I know who's this interesting to speak to".

She’s clearly not that intelligent if she can’t see through such shite Hmm

He’s a fucking creep. I’d send him on his way.

daydreambeleiver · 02/01/2020 21:56

I get pretty long emails/messages sometimes but they are from stbexh who seems to want all the good bits about our former relationship but to have a younger skinnier girlfriend ... he tells me everything pretty much.

Original poster
JPG2017 · 02/01/2020 22:59

He dumped her, I think.

But if he wasn't interested he wouldn't be messaging would he ?

OP posts:
Elieza · 02/01/2020 23:02

He’s meeting her this weekend? WTF!!!

No. That’s just wrong. He’s shitting on you right to your face.

Ask him why he doesn’t want to introduce you to her and watch him flounder and squirm. And then lie.
If she’s really just a friend now there should be no problem.
Which brings me back to the old if you can’t meet your partners ‘friend’ there’s something far wrong.

Watch his body language when he lies to you about why you can’t meet her or why he’s meeting her or when you enquire if he still fancies her:

Looking up and to the left - lying.

Long eyes shut blink for a second - distancing himself ie lying.

Nodding while saying no - lying.
Shaking head when saying yes - lying.

Sigh. Sorry OP. I think he’s either deluding himself that she’s just a friend or he’s remembering all her good points and starting to feel interested in her again but doesn’t want to admit it until he’s sure she feels the same about him. That way he’s either got you or her and won’t be alone.

Branster · 02/01/2020 23:04

If this woman isn’t his mother, vicar or therapist then it’s obvious his mind and heart are not at home anymore.

1Morewineplease · 02/01/2020 23:05

Be very aware.
This has red flags and bells on it.
And why do you feel the need to read his texts?

LEELULUMPKIN · 02/01/2020 23:08

Not on, he is cheating on you emotionally.

If this is a newish relationship he should be saying all those things to you OP not someone he has previously shagged.

Get rid.

Turquiose · 02/01/2020 23:13

He's not over her. He should be into you if it's a new relationship. Dump him before you get really hurt. He's a twat sorry.

BraveGoldie · 02/01/2020 23:17

"You are the only person who...." comments are totally not ok. If he thinks that he shouldn't be with you. If he is saying that to her he is courting her. I am quite sure he wouldn't say those things in front of you...

I am sorry OP- really doesn't sound good.

Louise91417 · 02/01/2020 23:18

The old "i dumped her line"..think it has been other way round and hes trying to get back in there. Sorry

PPopsicle · 02/01/2020 23:19

Please show him the door.

bottlenose301 · 02/01/2020 23:25

Can understand the alarm bells although a lot of people do stay close to exes, especially those where the relationship ended more as a friendship.

Walnutwhipster · 02/01/2020 23:27

You honestly could be describing one of my closest friends and me. We were briefly a couple in our teens but it's been platonic ever since. There is absolutely no sexual content to our long messages and I think of him like a brother now. We've been like this for over twenty years. DH and him get on well, no jealousy, although some of his partners over the years haven't initially been too happy about our friendship.

Original poster
JPG2017 · 02/01/2020 23:32

@Walnutwhipster
.they were together a long time.

Do you message him everyday with long gushing essays and comments on how he's like no one else he knows ?

OP posts:
LadyLightning · 02/01/2020 23:40

Its an emotional affair even if they havent had sex.

MsDogLady · 03/01/2020 00:05

Its literally like reading an essay on a particular subject, and them both fawning over how clever the other is.

This daily mutual gushing is totally inappropriate. They have reignited their emotional intimacy and passion. He is pursuing and prioritizing her, and making a fool of you. It is obvious where this is leading.

Walk away from this loser, OP.

Ishotmrburns · 03/01/2020 00:08

If this is a new relationship then I'd just walk away now. Awful start. He's obviously not ready to move on.

savethatkitty01 · 03/01/2020 00:15

If a man has a partner/wife, should he be going out with another woman for lunch, who is "just a friend"? Especially on wedding anniversary.

Same same. Absolutely Not.

Bye Felecia

Danni12 · 03/01/2020 00:19

Oh I'm really sorry OP but this sounds like an emotional affair....Flowers