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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you shouldn't do this if you're in a relationship?

183 replies

JPG2017 · 02/01/2020 17:50

If a man has a partner, should he be texting another woman everyday?

The messages involve talking about life, beliefs, passions etc., and they are LONG. About 25 paragraphs sent over a few days. The woman replies the same.

A lot of him saying "I'll have to explain this to you in person" and "you're the only person I know who would ask such an intelligent question" / "you're the only person I know who's this interesting to speak to".

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Motoko · 03/01/2020 16:19

You need to dump him. He's lied to you, is minimising, and gaslighting you. He hasn't told her he's in a relationship, because he doesn't want her to know.

It IS an emotional affair, whatever he says. And he's going to see her at the weekend...they'll be in each other's pants, for sure.

Don't stay with him, he's not worth it, and your self esteem will be through the floor when you do finally break up.

Original poster
JPG2017 · 03/01/2020 20:49

I spoke to my friend about it and she said I was being controlling.

The messages were just friendly conversational texts. Why can't they be friends?

I guess I have to just trust him.

He's my first actual boyfriend so I am learning about what's acceptable and what's not.

OP posts:
Cotswolds10 · 03/01/2020 22:03

Ah well, on you go then. You’ll just have to learn the hard way. Most of us have, no shame in that.

MRex · 03/01/2020 23:41

@JPG2017 - Well I've had quite a few boyfriends and that isn't acceptable. You deserve to be respected as a choice, not an interim alternate. Mind yourself.

Icanflyhigh · 03/01/2020 23:48

Definitely not acceptable.
Get rid of him, hes stringing you along.

TORDEVAN · 03/01/2020 23:50

I spoke to my friend about it and she said I was being controlling

You can have an honest “I’m not comfortable with this” conversation without being controlling. Controlling is “I forbid you to talk to her”.

He should respect how it’s making you feel and stop though if you mean anything to him. If my partner did that and didn’t cut it out after a civil conversation (since she’s an ex especially) I’d rethink my relationship.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 03/01/2020 23:54

Please show him the door

JollyJlly · 04/01/2020 02:57

Please don’t put up with this. People in grown up relationships have discussions if one member isn’t comfortable with something you don’t do it. You are not being unreasonable or controlling.

DreamsAboutSummer · 04/01/2020 03:38

@Walnutwhipster I could have written everything you said about your ex from your teens! Honestly! I'm the same with mine and we've known each other for almost 30 years.

As much as we can message each other and talk on the phone for an hour at a time @JPG2017 the difference is most of the time my husband is sitting next to me, with the call on loudspeaker, ie, involving him in our friendship.

Honestly, I think the guy who you are with is taking the p*ss. You need to value yourself more, and get rid of him before you end up setting a precedent for him to think his behaviour is acceptable!

BitOfFun · 04/01/2020 03:40

Ah well, on you go then. You’ll just have to learn the hard way. Most of us have, no shame in that.

Yep.

I think most people here know this is crappy behaviour on his part, and that he is out of order to shout at you when you pull him up about it.

You can take our word for it and dump him now, but I suspect you won't do that quite yet. Just don't let it get so far that you end up pregnant by a self-obsessed bully.

puds11 · 04/01/2020 03:52

No you don’t! If he cared about you enough he would see your point of view instead of getting annoyed. Also the fact she doesn’t know about you speaks volumes!

Your friends a dick.

DreamsAboutSummer · 04/01/2020 03:53

Sorry OP, I just saw your update of "When I asked if she knew he was in a relationship he said it hadn't come up." followed by "I guess I have to just trust him."

If you want to learn the hard way like most people who have gave you advice here have already done (sometimes more than once), you could speed it up by replying to one of her txts when he falls asleep, mentioning who is replying, should he be stupid enough to have not already changed his pin number and he hasn't "forgotten" to bring his phone the next time he stays over

HannaYeah · 04/01/2020 03:56

Your situation reminded me of going through something similar years ago. It ended up really hurting.

It doesn’t sound like he’s ready to let go of her, regardless of how they broke up or why. They were together a long time. Sounds like you all got together on the heels of that. If they still have feelings for one another that’s out of your control.

It is unfortunate that it’s your first relationship. But I think those alarm bells are going off in your head for a reason.

Carolemia · 04/01/2020 04:05

If it’s a new relationship you’re in with no ties, finish with him. Years ago, when I was in a bad relationship with someone, a male friend from work started texting me. Just friendly at first but started to make me feel like he was the only one who understood me. There were no sexual messages. He just made it seem like we understood each other and had lots in common and I slowly believed we were soulmates. I ended my bad relationship and started dating the man from work. It lasted 6 months as I Slowly realised it was all bullshit to get me away from my ex and into his bed !
These message seem to be in the same vein and I wouldn’t be surprised if they got back together. Sounds like they both regret the split...

MsDogLady · 04/01/2020 04:42

He is treating you so poorly by dismissing your discomfort and bullying you to shut up and back off.

Your friend is wrong, OP. You are not being controlling at all. Your partner and OW are not ‘just friends.’ They have resumed their romantic relationship. If they are platonic and you are his priority, why has he not mentioned you during their many conversations?

I am sorry that you are not listening. I wish you well.

Greenwingmemories · 04/01/2020 04:48

Actually I think his response puts him in an even worse light. You should be able to have a conversation about how you feel hurt without him getting angry, which is just a way to shut you down and train you not to complain about anything. Would those people who have these conversations with male friends get angry with their husbands for raising the fact or would they reassure them that it's just platonic? Also the fact that he hasn't mentioned you is a huge red flag.

Pinkarsedfly · 04/01/2020 04:50

He’s treating you poorly, lying to you, denying your existence, and from what you’ve suggested, there’s not much going on in the sex department.

Why is your bar so low?

NearlyGranny · 04/01/2020 05:10

You don't have to trust him at all, OP. You haven't married him and made all those big promises, so if it makes you feel uncomfortable, tell him that.

He's teaching you what's acceptable to him: you teach him what's acceptable to you. The relationship rules are what both of you agree they are, not what he thinks he can get away with. There's two of you in the relationship, after all. Well, three by the sound of it. 🙄

CalleighDoodle · 04/01/2020 05:23

Hi op. Your friend is wrong. You do not have to out up with things that make you uncomfortable. You should not have your feelings disregarded. He should jot have been having that conversation while you were both watching a film anyway! He should have been focused on spending time with you.

Walk away. He is treating you badly.

CluelessNewMama · 04/01/2020 05:24

I think your friend is wrong to say this behaviour is acceptable, and I’d be questioning why she doesn’t want/expect better for you when a bunch of strangers on the internet do.

It’s not the fact that he’s speaking to a female friend that’s the issue (agree that could be totally innocent), its the way that they he is speaking to her, sounds like he is idolising her. Also, the fact that the ex doesn’t know about you speaks volumes.

You have told him that it upsets you and he clearly doesn’t care so now the ball is in your court. Stay and accept the behaviour or dump him and find someone who respects you.

MaxNormal · 04/01/2020 05:32

Your friend is a dickhead. No you certainly shouldn't trust him. What for? Hes not fucking trustworthy.
At a few months into a new relationship you should be feeling really special and loved up.

madcatladyforever · 04/01/2020 05:37

My close male friends never send me messages like that and if they did I'd assume their platonic feelings towards me have changed. Doesn't look like he's going to great lengths to hide it either.

Savingforarainyday · 04/01/2020 06:46

  • your friend is wrong. As pp said, its controlling to say he cannot communicate with someone at all. But he hasn't been open and honest with you.

  • Did they really finish a few years ago? Or have they been on/ off? Why does he still have her stuff? I'm wondering if they are on off, and he is hoovering her back in.

  • he's lied to you

  • he's minimised your relationship by keeping you a secret

  • he's been disloyal by saying " you're the only one...." etc etc. Thst does seem like the " idealisation" phase for him. Also though, he is saying ( by stealth) that you do not occupy an important place in his life.

As for sex- not all men are motivated by sex, some are motivated by being adored.

mysmidgey · 04/01/2020 07:02

Block him and move on op. Have some self respect. He's a shit.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 04/01/2020 07:16

You haven’t described what your relationship with him is like? Is there much love and commitment there? Can you tell him this makes you uncomfortable and will he take that on board? If there’s not much of a connection between you and you’re not in love then I think I’d end it and look for someone else.