To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

[CSalts]

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

Whatever happens with husband, she’ll never forget that she came to you for support and all she got was, “What about everyone else’s feelings?”

Are you married OP? If so, are you miserable or just plodding along because he doesn’t hit you or cheat? Some mothers can’t understand why their daughters don’t want to be as miserable or unhappy as they are. Are you one of those?

My DM has a similar horrified attitude towards divorce. As a result, I stayed many years in a violently abusive marriage when I should have left. Even after the marriage was over, my Mum showed sympathy to my ex and his family! Have faith in your DD,OP. Trust her to understand her own emotions. Even if she's making a mistake, you have to support her while she does so! But you may not know the half of what goes on behind closed doors in their relationship.

I was with you until I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse. What a depressing state of affairs if the best thing you can say about your marriage is he doesn’t cheat or hit me.

You say she’s sick of carrying the mental load. They’ve been together for nearly a decade, I think insinuating she just needs to try a little harder to change him is exactly the reason why there are ‘far worse’ men about. They’re always given a pass, another chance.

Hi op, not sure if you’re still reading but just to say I get you! I met my husband when I was 19, got married 3 years later, had kids and then I lost my mum. I totally lost it. I started to question life and how short it can be and my decisions. I began to hate my husband. He hadn’t done anything but I seriously hated his guts. My dad was beside himself having to ‘deal’ with me without my mum. I ended up plodding along partly because my dad was in such a state over it. I was really annoyed that he hadn’t made it easy for me. I’d have loved to have heard ‘do what makes you happy’ etc. My mum wouldn’t have said that either, she’d have said the same as you more or less that I need to work at my marriage. Try everything, marriage counselling etc. Things are great again now and I’m relieved. I had just lost my mind in that moment and I needed to hear that even if I didn’t like it. Supporting someone means challenging them as well.

This will be an unpopular thing to say but I do wonder if she’s met someone else. Just a thought!

I do wonder if she’s met someone else

So do I, it was my first thought. Giving up on a marriage after 18 months is barely giving it a chance. I’d put money on her head being turned.

@Alsohuman she has been with him for 9 years. Why is everyone focusing on the time they were married only? Does their previous relationship not exist?

My mother reacted the same way you’re doing, OP. There’s a good chance there is much more to it than your DD is sharing with you. Reactions like that are a reason I do not tell my family much about personal matters, or look to them for support.

Why is everyone focusing on the time they were married only?

Because that’s when she committed to a lifelong relationship with him.

Every couple goes through this phase of falling out of love. You re not being unreasonable in saying what you said as she did ask for your opinion but now that you have said your piece let her make her decision and support her through it. I had that when I got married and my mum was just like you. I did not resent her for it as I knew she would support me regardless but she is more experienced in life and much more wiser. I am glad I listened to her and stuck it out. It took a few years of struggle but we both are much happier now.

Ask her to make a list of things she likes and dislikes about her partner. She should give it one more try if the positives are more than negatives. See if it works out if her partner is willing to make changes in his life. Marriage has it's ups and downs. It's not easy and involves commitment and compromises from both sides.

Because that’s when she committed to a lifelong relationship with him.

Oh you're funny.

Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority.

What a reach. There is an absolute gulf between being a selfish person and not wanting to be "personally" happy for the rest of your life. Ridiculous thing to say.

Agree people aren't acknowledging she's spent the best part of a decade with this man.

Many of my friends thought their partner would step up after getting married and grow up / take more responsibility / be an engaged and interested parent.

That hasn't always happen and children deserve to have happy parents who function as healthy and well adjusted adults.

If being healthy and happy people (so good examples of the behaviour they presumably want their DC to model) means coparenting then it's not selfish, it's best for everyone.

I would much rather someone left me if after ten years they were unhappy, giving me a chance to meet someone who genuinely was happy with me and in a fully loving relationship.

OP's daughter is brave to make this decision before children are involved tbh.

Don't disagree with her mum giving perspective and advice, but if she is sure she is sure.

Can't believe people think it's selfish to leave someone you're unhappy with after a decade, before children are involved, so you can both have healthy and happy relationships in future.

If they had young DC I'd potentially agree a bit with OP but it would be a disaster to bring children into a marriage which sounds like it's on its way out. How do you know the reality of the situation? Just because no one has cheated and there hasn't been abuse, you don't know the full picture. His behaviour might be unpleasant to live with but she doesn't think it's at the level of abuse. If she's just very unhappy why should she continue to live her life like that and potentially miss the opportunity to be happy with someone else or happy alone if that's what she wants? I can't imagine this is a decision she has come to on a whim after being with him for a long time. She's had the opportunity to now to get to know him very well and she isn't happy. That's what matters. If my DM thought I should be miserable for the sake of not getting divorced I'd be very upset.

And given how she feels now, the likelihood is that things will get worse, not better

Because that’s when she committed to a lifelong relationship with him

I agree . After seven and a half years that’s plenty of time to know whether it’s the real deal or not. If this was a man the thread would be full of suggestions there was someone else.

Very sad that so many don’t see marriage vows as for life, I wonder why so many get married if that’s the case.

Support her and respect her choices, don't judge her.

Could you just say that you can't tell her what to do but fully respect her judgement and support her?
And if she is not sure what to do then individual counselling might help her to see things more clearly?

Oh you're funny

Really, what’s so funny about stating a fact?

What did you actually say to your daughter OP?

i'm a little shocked that you're asking her to consider anyone elses feelings.

How the wider family would feel if they divorce should never ever be a consideration. You don't stay married because the in-laws might be upset if you divorce, ever.

The only response to your DD should have been to ask her to honestly know if this is just itchy feet post wedding, or if there is genuinely nothing left to work on, if there isn't, then she ought to divorce, with your full support.

So many here are ''sad'' (i picture daily mail sad faces) about people not treating marriage vows as life long.

I think it's a good thing that so many these days don't feel bound for life by their marriage vows.

Things change. People change. Vowing to stay with someone for your whole life without exception unless and until one of you dies or cheats takes nothing of real life into account. Placing a stigma on leaving a marriage keeps people trapped together for years and years when they both could be happier elsewhere. What's so lovely about that?? Even looking from the point of view of the 'stayer' - would you really want to be stuck with someone who no longer loves you because they 'vowed' to? Not me.

Together while love shall last. This is how i see marriage vows. If one loses the other's love - then let them go.

When I read your opening post OP, the first thing that came to my mind is that it sounds like you don’t want the marriage to end because it wouldn’t be nice for the family and you don’t really care about your DD’s feelings. It’s your DD’s life and she has every right to live it the way she wants it. Should she spend it with someone she doesn’t love just because he’s not abusive (as far as you know!) and they’ve been together for a long time? Don’t you think your DD deserves better?

If I were her, that would have been the last time I’d discuss my marriage with you again and I wouldn’t come to you for support if I divorced.

@MyDcAreMarvel

Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority.

I don't think you've been back to defend this view, so it's unlikely you will answer, but who do you think life shouod be lived for if not ourselves? OP's dd doesn't have any DC so are you saying she should she stay in an unhappy marriage for her husband's sake or her parents? Whose happiness should she prioritise if not her own?

Together while love shall last.

While I agree with this to an extent, how do you define love? Is it all the fizz, froth and excitement when you first meet someone? Because that doesn’t last, it’s unsustainable for more than a couple of years. We’ve been together for 22 years now, we still love one another but the love has gone through several iterations in that time. It’s still love though. And it doesn’t depend on him picking up his socks.

I was in a similar situation to your daughter except that (thankfully) I hadn't got married. I was with my ex for 10 years from when I was 18 and we split when we were 28. Had he asked me to marry him at 25 I would have said yes, but it wouldn't have been right. Our relationship was great on the outside, and we got on really well, but it was fundamentally lacking in things that I realised were very important to me - kindness, consideration, affection.

Your daughter made a mistake in getting married, and whilst I agree that marriage is a major commitment that shouldn't be ended lightly, it also doesn't mean that her reasons for wanting to end it are not valid. Relationships can look great on the outside, but it doesn't always mean it's the case. I stayed with my ex for much longer than I should have done because I felt like, on paper, I had everything - and I was worried I was being unrealistic to expect more.

But I didn't, and I wasn't.

Marriage counselling is a good idea, but not necessarily to convince her to stay in the relationship.

I would agree with you if there were children involved. However, there are no kids so they can make a clean break and both start over whilst they are young enough.

I can see if sil is a nice person, this is upsetting for you and both wider families. But she is the one living the life with him and if she is certain it isn’t working, then support her to get out of it.