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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

492 replies

CSalts · 02/01/2020 15:29

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work Sad

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/01/2020 14:13

Yes, I'd bet on the families putting pressure for them to marry and for the big wedding.
It's hard to let family down.

dodgeballchamp · 04/01/2020 14:16

Quite astonished that the majority seem to think one's own happiness automatically takes precedence over anyone else's feelings or happiness

WTF? Of course your own happiness should take priority. What a miserable life you must have, always being the martyr

lottiegarbanzo · 04/01/2020 14:23

I'd love to see an explanation from the 'shocked you could prioritise happiness' poster(s), outlining how far the mutual misery is required to spread, to provide the requisite level of universal suffering on which your optimal society would be based.

Is anyone allowed to be happy? Are happiness, contentment, enjoyment, fulfillment all disreputable attributes and behaviours?

What are the more desirable qualities that these attributes undermine and how do they do this?

trappedsincesundaymorn · 04/01/2020 14:25

I think, OP, that you and the in-laws wanted this marriage to happen more than she did. How much time and money did you invest into the wedding and how often did you tell her that it would be wonderful, special, the best day of her life and how much YOU'D dreamt that she would get married. At anytime before the day did you quietly ask her whether it was what SHE wanted? Maybe her doubts started before she married him but the pressure was such that she felt she couldn't walk away from it.

animaginativeusername · 04/01/2020 14:28

Someone recently asked if they could eventually fall in love with wonderful husband, married 10 years or so. Your daughter has thus realisation within 28 months, without children hence best for your daughter to divorce. If you can't support her you should remain neutral

LilyJade · 04/01/2020 14:32

I think your DD should end the failed marriage, go travelling & decide what is it she wants in life.
At 27 she's still really young. Her life could take any direction.
Life is far too short believe me to be stuck with a man you don't love.

ineedanotherholiday · 04/01/2020 14:38

Haven't rtft but am firmly of the opinion that life's too short to be unhappy. At her age she still has so much time ahead of her, I know I wouldn't want nah children of Mine stuck in an unhappy marriage and feeling trapped.

TheMustressMhor · 04/01/2020 14:41

I am finding so many posts on this thread in which people say that marriages should be worked on unless there is abuse or infidelity.

Nonsense.

Being unhappy with your partner, for whatever reason, or bored, or finding that you no longer enjoy sex, are equally valid reasons for wanting to end a marriage or long-term relationship.

Getting fed up of always being the person in the relationship who does the housework/cleaning/tidying is also a valid reason for ending things.

I think the OP's DD has had enough of her DH now. This is not a whim. She has lived with him for long enough now, and she has lived with her decision to end the marriage for many months, too.

Nobody should have to live with someone with whom they are incompatible. Nobody.

And as for people who say that our personal happiness is not what should be driving our actions...words fail me.

Achieving personal happiness is an important life goal, which all should aspire to. This does not mean that people have the right to be cruel to others in order to achieve personal happiness, of course.

But there is no point in being unhappy with someone when divorce is an option.

Surely we've moved on from this outdated premise that marriage should be worked on, no matter what?

lottiegarbanzo · 04/01/2020 14:44

I really do want to understand, to what end should marriage be worked on, if the happiness of those in the marriage is not a valid goal. Anyone?

ToEarlyForDecorations · 04/01/2020 14:49

poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

This has been evidenced by what, exactly ?

He's stepped up with the house work and all other associated chores ? Some how I doubt it.

No, I suspect he has just pleaded, nagged and probably sulked because after all she's had (proposal, wedding, joint assets etc.), she's STILL not happy.

I've seen this to often: couple go out with each other but it's starting to fray, to put a stitch in it they get engaged, the relationship continues to unravel, they get married, to distract themselves they start a family. Oh well, if that baby didn't bring us together, maybe the next one will. It doesn't. Then they divorce.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 04/01/2020 14:50

Is anyone allowed to be happy?

Men do I presume.

Are happiness, contentment, enjoyment, fulfillment all disreputable attributes and behaviours

Only for women.

A long but unhappy marriage is not an achievement.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 04/01/2020 14:53

Also, referring to him as, 'poor SIL' is quite telling. You love you son-in-law. OK, that's cool.

You seem to have more sympathy for him than your own daughter.

CynsterBitch · 04/01/2020 15:09

I think people give up on marriage too quickly sometimes, although the reason for that might be that they get married too quickly too. I don’t think you were wrong in suggesting they should put some more work into the marriage, but equally I understand why your daughter would feel like you are not being supportive. I hope it works out in the best possible way for all involved

GreenTulips · 04/01/2020 15:20

Why should marriage require work? We live happily together, yes there’s compromise and tough times. But no underlining unhappiness.

animaginativeusername · 04/01/2020 15:26

Even without children it doesn't matter. She shouldn't have to settle

missyB1 · 04/01/2020 16:42

Green Tulips when people talk about working at a marriage they just mean putting the effort in and working on it. No relationship is perfect everyone should make an effort with their marriage no matter how happy it is, otherwise you start taking it for granted. And yes sometimes a marriage faces challenges and couples seek help or decide on strategies themselves to address the issues.
It’s a little naive to ask why a marriage should require work.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/01/2020 18:17

It’s a little naive to ask why a marriage should require work

But what is this work? What exactly is this "working on the relationship" which is so often promoted to women in unhappy marriages?

BumpyNugget · 04/01/2020 18:48

But what is this work? What exactly is this "working on the relationship" which is so often promoted to women in unhappy marriages?

It means "keep your gob shut, woman".
It means get pissed off but hide it, internalise it and let the anger at having to do so destroy you piece by soul destroying piece. If it also destroys your health, tough shit.

I may be projecting there though, I must admit.

Mummyshark2019 · 04/01/2020 19:03

If she doesn't love him anymore, she doesn't love him. You can't force it. Just support whatever decision she makes. Better to split now before any children.

2020maddog · 04/01/2020 19:07

He may be great. But not great for her.

BoxedWine · 04/01/2020 19:08

It's odd that there are people who think they're taking the side of the husband criticising the wife for leaving. How is he really going to be happy with someone who doesn't want to be with him?

Alsohuman · 04/01/2020 19:35

But what is this work? What exactly is this "working on the relationship" which is so often promoted to women in unhappy marriages?

It’s the “for better and worse, in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer”. It’s about having made a commitment to that person and keeping the promises you made to them. Knowing every life has rough patches and keeping the faith that they’re temporary. It’s the reason my parents’ generation celebrated 60th and even 70th wedding anniversaries.

JacquesHammer · 04/01/2020 19:38

It’s the reason my parents’ generation celebrated 60th and even 70th wedding anniversaries

A 60th wedding anniversary doesn’t mean it’s a happy marriage Confused

Alsohuman · 04/01/2020 19:39

Nobody said it did.

Oblomov20 · 04/01/2020 19:40

You can't explain to some people that they need to go through the journey, tough times aswell as good. Some people are just too flippant.

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