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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

492 replies

CSalts · 02/01/2020 15:29

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work Sad

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

OP posts:
trappedsincesundaymorn · 03/01/2020 15:51

While I agree with this to an extent, how do you define love

That's the point. Everybody's definition of "love" is going to be different and continually evolving as the years pass. What can pass as "love" may just be an infatuation or comforting. The one thing "love"shouldn't make anyone feel is sad, lonely, worthless or trapped. Once those feelings become impossible to ignore/shake off then it's time to accept that sometimes "love" in what ever shape it takes, is not enough and it's time to move on.

TheMustressMhor · 03/01/2020 17:26

I hope you manage to have a supportive discussion with your DD, OP.

She really needs you on her side.

Original poster
CSalts · 03/01/2020 17:29

Just wanted to thank everyone for their input. I’ve thought a lot about things and have arranged to meet DD this weekend to talk through further with her. I will try my best to keep my own views to myself (though I do still stand by them) going forward and let her know that I am there to support her, whatever she eventually chooses to do.

OP posts:
ethelredonagoodday · 03/01/2020 17:32

Good on you OP. Hope it goes ok and that you can move forward positively, whatever the outcome.

TatianaLarina · 03/01/2020 17:33

Who really wants support from a disapproving silly mother who promotes her own view of a marriage over the woman who is in it, and the matyrishly thinks she’s keeping her wrong-headed opinions to herself (when she’s actually making them perfectly clear).

I wouldn’t bother with you in your daughter’s situation, personally.

bathsh3ba · 03/01/2020 17:35

I agree with you, OP, that, in the absence of abuse/infidelity/other majorly unreasonable behaviour, a marriage should be worked at. Long term love is a choice and needs commitment. Suggesting marriage counselling sounds a good idea. You can support your daughter without necessarily agreeing with her.

Zampa · 03/01/2020 17:38

OP, just an example from my life ...

My MIL told my DH to work on his marriage to his ex wife before they had kids. He tried, they had two DC and still ended up divorced. It was nasty and acrimonious.

MIL has since said she wished she'd encouraged DH to talk away earlier and she regrets her advice.

As long as your daughter's happiness remains your priority, you won't go far wrong. Good luck.

TheMustressMhor · 03/01/2020 17:48

Long term love is a choice and needs commitment

I disagree.

If someone falls out of love, no degree of commitment will re-energise a person's feelings.

I am surprised by the numbers of PP who agree with the OP that an unhappy marriage should always be slavishly "worked at" despite the obvious misery of one of the partners in the marriage.

OP - please do your best not to let your feelings about marriage, and particularly your DD's marriage, colour the advice you give your DD going forward.

Despite the vast majority of PP disagreeing with you, you have not changed your opinion one jot, have you?

Alsohuman · 03/01/2020 17:55

Despite the vast majority of PP disagreeing with you, you have not changed your opinion one jot, have you?

Why should she change her mind? A bunch of randoms on an Internet forum wouldn’t change my mind either.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/01/2020 17:57

OP it’s good that you have taken this on board and great that you are able to convey to your daughter that you support her. That’s definitely the right approach.

I think your heart is in the right place but I think your ideas about marriage and commitment are outdated and counterproductive. I won’t reiterate the arguments again as it’s been gone over so much. But I would urge you to keep these points in mind when you speak to her:

a) it’s her marriage, not yours or your wider family’s. No one else has to live with him and you don’t know what he’s like behind closed doors. No matter what an attractive facade they present at family gatherings.

b) her happiness is ultimately more important than what the families think. It may merit further thought and even counselling but if she knows she is right to leave, she knows better than you.

c) your future relationship with her will suffer if you pressure her to stay for the wrong reasons.

Good luck

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2020 21:52

So do I, it was my first thought. Giving up on a marriage after 18 months is barely giving it a chance. I’d put money on her head being turned

I'd put my money on her realising after nine years and a marriage that he is never going to change and she is better off without him. Not all women fear life without a man more than being stuck with the wrong man.

Alsohuman · 03/01/2020 22:03

Why didn’t she realise after 7.5 years? Or has he suddenly changed since the wedding?

TatianaLarina · 03/01/2020 22:06

I think a number of people get stuck with their first long term partner and then try and justify the time spent with them and save the relationship by getting married.

The wedding kerfuffle masks things for a bit and then the shit hits the fan.

TatianaLarina · 03/01/2020 22:06

Many people think getting married will change things.

MsTSwift · 03/01/2020 22:14

When I did divorce law saw several women clients who wanted a divorce after a year or two of marriage all had actually been in the relationship for years and the marriage was intended to “fix” a failing relationship with predictable results...

C8H10N4O2 · 03/01/2020 22:17

Why didn’t she realise after 7.5 years? Or has he suddenly changed since the wedding?

Marriage, like pregnancy is one of the triggers for coercive men to escalate. T
he OP made it clear where her sympathies lay in the first post - I don't imagine she would claim to be impartial but frankly a manchild who isn't actually abusive is not what I'd want my kids to aspire to.

Both families wanted this marriage, that is a huge amount of pressure. She certainly wouldn't be the first woman who surrounded by people telling her marriage is the right thing proceeded only to realise afterward that it was utterly wrong.

BackOnceAgainWithATinselHalo · 03/01/2020 22:19

I'd put my money on her realising after nine years and a marriage that he is never going to change and she is better off without him. Not all women fear life without a man more than being stuck with the wrong man. agree

MulticolourMophead · 03/01/2020 22:20

Alsohuman A wedding is frequently the point at which hidden behaviour comes to the fore. A lot of the time, this can be abuse, not saying that's the case here.

But some people relax after a wedding, feeling they don't have to be on their best behaviour around their partner, and in this case the SonIL is dumping stuff on his wife. In the OP, it says the DD "is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house)". If the DD is tired of that already, even before kids, then this bloke's behaviour has probably been poor for some time.

Mischance · 03/01/2020 22:20

I do not think that OP should give any advice at all - just listen and reassure her that you will be alongside her, whatever she decides.

I have been in a position where I have been on the receiving end of an AC's criticisms of partner - I refused to engage - not by stating that, but by not getting involved and saying neutral things: "I am sorry that you are having these difficulties", "I am always here for you" etc.etc., but I did not collude - I knew that if things came good I would be in a very difficult position.

We cannot live our children's lives for them - they have to make their own decisions. If we have given them the strength to make their own minds up, then we can do no more and must let them proceed on their chosen way.

However, I must defend the OP in some ways, as the older you get the more you realise that life is not and will never be perfect, and this includes relationships. And you realise that the grass is not always greener.........! But sometimes it is right to bite the lip.

I also understand how uncomfortable it is when two wider families have established friendships - not a reason for her DD to stay of course, but I can see that it puts the OP in an uncomfortable position; one that she will have to surmount if her DD does decide to leave.

ChilliandLemon · 03/01/2020 22:46

Just listen to her, OP.

independentfriend · 03/01/2020 22:48

If they can separate and divorce on amicable terms - and this sounds possible from what's been said to you (though that might not be the whole story), there's nothing to stop you and his family members maintaining your friendship in years to come. There's no rule requiring you to hate them or never speak to them again, even if it suits you to have a bit less contact whilst they're separating.

It'll be much harder to achieve this if the relationship limps on and ends in a very conflicty way.

Think about your own boundaries - would you be OK with your daughter moving in with you for a period of time after they separate? For how long? Would you be able/willing to help financially (housing costs? lawyers fees?)

CaptSkippy · 03/01/2020 22:52

Even a serious commitment can turn out to be a mistake and it's better to rectify said mistake quickly than to live on years in unhappiness, postponing what you know you need to do.

MolnMal · 03/01/2020 22:53

She shouldn’t need excuses for leaving the marriage or to justify her decision to anyone; if she’s unhappy and wants to leave she should leave. It’s her life and your role as her mother is to support her and want her to find the happiness she says her marriage is lacking.

eaglejulesk · 03/01/2020 23:05

She asked for your opinion, and you gave it - no, you shouldn't have lied!

You might like to advise her however that next time she gets married she makes sure it is what she actually wants - marriage, rather than just an exciting wedding day!

Interesting how so many have picked up on SIL being a "typical man", without having a clue as to whether or not the DD has any faults! Of course how silly of me, on this site the woman is always perfect!

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 03/01/2020 23:26

Haven't read all replies, but I met my ex at 18 and was with him 7 seven years. We talked about marriage, but realised we wanted different things. I thank God for a lucky escape, as looking back I can see so clearly we weren't right for each other, despite the fact that he was a lovely guy who got on brilliantly with my parents, and I loved his.

At the time I was worried how my parents would take the break up, as they had spent a lot of years getting to know and love him and his family, but they were very much "it's your decision" and they never tried to influence me ( I ended it) I appreciate the difference is we weren't married.....But we could have been.
People really do change soooo much between 18 and 27. At 18 we were compatible because we went to the same bars and liked the same music, that was all that mattered. By the time we were 7 years down the line things had changed a lot!
I am actually one of the people who think that marriage is something worth working on, but I can totally see where your dd might be coming from on this on. We have great friends who met early, stuck together and had a really ugly divorce, involving children, in their 40s. I'd be somewhat sympathetic.