To have reminded DD that marriage is a serious commitment that shouldn’t be ended on a whim?

[CSalts]

DD married 18 months ago and has dropped the bombshell to me today that she wants a divorce and asked my advice. Apparently she’s been feeling this way ever since the excitement of the wedding wore off but had tried to put it to the back of her mind. DD and SIL have been together for a long time, since they were both 18 (she’s 27 now). SIL is lovely and very much part of our family. We are close with his family also and always celebrate Christmas and birthdays together. Both families would be shocked and devastated if things were to end. DD says just doesn’t think she loves him anymore. The only real reason she could give is that she thinks she met him when too young/wouldn’t choose him now and is tired of carrying the mental load (he can be a typical man at times, a bit forgetful and messy around the house). I’m told that poor SIL knows how DD is feeling and is desperate to make things work

I pointed out to DD that there are men far worse than her DH and that if there has been no infidelity or abuse, she should be prepared to work at the marriage as she has made a very serious commitment which shouldn’t be ended recklessly and turn their lives upside down. AIBU? They don’t have DC yet but have committed in many other ways, for example they own properties together.

DD is now upset with me for not being supportive, yet she asked my opinion. Should I have lied? Her view is that she doesn’t want to waste a minute longer in an unhappy marriage and wants to move on and find someone else before wasting her time further. All I ever want for DD is for her to be happy, but I don’t want to see her making a terrible mistake which can’t be undone... I’m all too aware that the grass isn’t always greener.

Interesting how so many have picked up on SIL being a "typical man", without having a clue as to whether or not the DD has any faults!

You'd like it if they both had huge character flaws that dragged the other down, steadily and relentlessly, so they could condemn each other to a life of mutual misery?

Seems to me that would be all the more reason for them to separate!

..and um, you're commenting on a post written by the dd's mother!

How bloody dare she love and like her own daughter enough to fail to feed you a complete, cutting run down of all her dd's flaws and foibles, for you to get your sharp little teeth into. Duh.

Of course how silly of me, on this site the woman is always perfect!

Oh don't be ridiculous people responded to what the OP put in her post (except for one or two who apparently believe women don't leave a marriage unless they have another man lined up and assumed she mentioned one).

If you don't think there is a real problem of women carrying the massive load of "wife work" in marriages then do some homework. Men not pulling their weight is directly or indirectly one of the commonest root causes I've seen in marriage break down over the years.

How sad many posters do not believe a marriage is for life, to be worked in through the good and the bad. Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority.

This is honestly the maddest thing I’ve read on here in a while. Of course your own personal happiness should be a priority? It’s your life and you only get one! Why wouldn’t you want to seek as much personal happiness and fulfilment as possible? What a bizarre mindset.

OP, YABVU. Nobody should stay in a relationship they don’t want to be in. Sounds like they shouldn’t have married in the first place! All your talk of ‘throwing it away’ and it being so special sounds like it hasn’t crossed your mind that actually she might be perfectly happy being single? A relationship isn’t a pre-requisite for life and being in one where she doesn’t love the guy certainly won’t bring her any happiness

except for one or two who apparently believe women don't leave a marriage unless they have another man lined up and assumed she mentioned one

Women leave marriages for a whole host of reasons. OP didn’t as much as imply that a third party was involved but my intuition tells me there is. My opinion is as valid as yours @C8H10N4O2.

my intuition tells me there is

Your intuition, based on zero knowledge of the woman concerned, automatically suggests to you that there is another man involved?

That tells me more about you than the posited DD.

I don’t give a shit what you think it tells you about me. HTH.

Once there are kids involved I do think marriages deserve work, but it's still ok to leave if you're unhappy.

With no kids, it's fine to leave just for being not happy. 18 months in, with no kids, a marriage shouldn't be all wifework and struggling for things to talk about. It shouldn't be like that after kids, either, but the stakes are higher and it's perhaps worth trying to salvage something.

You need to support your DD. You don't have to agree with her, but you do need to support her.

My mother said this to me when l told her l was splitting from my ex husband.
l'd been abused psychologically, emotionally and sexually for years. She knew that. He even admitted it to her. And she took his side. She even said to me "what am l going to say to people?". What people thought was more important to her than me. At one point she said "is that rape?" and l said yes. She replied "l thought it was." And left it at that. What kind of a mother does that?
l found out later that when she told people that we were divorcing that "there's nobody else involved." Which there wasn't, but that was none of her, nor anyone else's, business. There was no need to explain it.
You cannot know what goes on between two people, or their reasons for splitting. Technically it's not your business, although l appreciate you're upset and concerned. They've been together since she was relatively young. People change a huge amount between mid teens and mid twenties. Perhaps they've just grown apart. lf she was my daughter l'd be giving her some credit for not staying where she's not happy.
You say "all l want is for her to be happy". She's told you she's not happy. l wouldn't want a child of mine to stay in a relationship for another 10 or 20 years if they didn't feel it was right.
Your son in law probably is lovely. lt doesn't mean they're right as a couple. You don't have to 'take sides'. She may well regret it later whatever she chooses to do. She's an adult, that's her choice.
Please just be there for both of them. l felt very alone and unsupported and l was a lot older than your daughter is.

In two of your three posts you mention the opinion of the wider family.

Think how that is maybe unconsciously putting pressure on your Dd.

She has clearly been thinking and feeling like this for a year. It is extremely dismissive and patronising to call her feelings a ‘whim’,

Yes, no marriage is perfect, yes the grass is often greener. But how your Dd is feeling is no way to go into starting a family.

She is still very young, but maturing and people mature and grow differently. This is a danger of getting married relatively young after only one serious relationship.

You are not the matriarch if a dynasty, you are her mother. Think of her, not the wider family.

A lot of young people have a first marriage that doesn’t work out and then go on to find ‘the one’. I was married at 20, separated at 23 and divorced at 25. I remarried at 34 after getting with DH at 32 and have never been happier. Just support her.

Better now than when she has kids.
If sil knows about it then it's gone too far now. She's basically made her decision and just wanted you to reinforce it. Support Both of them now to end it amicably but dd first and foremost.

Quite astonished that the majority seem to think one's own happiness automatically takes precedence over anyone else's feelings or happiness. Of course someone shouldn't stay in a marriage they are desperately unhappy in but they should consider their husband or wife's feelings, and any children, in the absence of abuse/infidelity etc, and ending a marriage should be a last resort after discussion, compromise, maybe counselling. Not a unilateral decision with no discussion on the basis of your 'right to be happy'.

ending a marriage should be a last resort after discussion, compromise, maybe counselling. Not a unilateral decision with no discussion on the basis of your 'right to be happy'.

How bizarrely naive. If you come to the realisation that you don’t love someone and they’re not the right person for you, what do you think discussion and counselling will achieve other than giving them false hope?

If course ending a relationship is a last resort but DD will have been compromising and trying to make it work during the relationship.

@baths3ba I disagree. Would you want to be married to someone who was not happy with you? I wouldn't. Equally, children pick up on their parents being unhappy, you see it all the time on here from posters who wished their parents would have separated as their home lives were so full of tension.

Marriages should be worked on where possible, but ultimately yes your own happiness is important, otherwise you will end up resenting everyone around you.

Quite astonished that the majority seem to think one's own happiness automatically takes precedence over anyone else's feelings or happiness

Aren’t we all responsible for our own happiness and shouldn’t expect others to make us happy? If you are happy in someone’s company you seek more of it, if they make you unhappy you seek less, or none at all.

If my marriage was unhappy and I was going to end it, I wouldn’t care if that upset anyone else. I would also be mortified if one of my children stayed in a marriage because they thought it made me happy. Why would it?

How sad many posters do not believe a marriage is for life, to be worked in through the good and the bad. Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority

WTAF? Why should a woman who is obviously unhappy enough to want to leave a long term relationship (irregardless of the marriage part) stay in said marriage because to leave would be selfish? Selfish to whom? To the manchild that it sounds like she's married to? Her family who appear to put their son in law and his family above their daughters happiness?

Fucking hell. Women who want to call time on a relationship with a lazy, forgetful man who will get worse if children are added into the mix are not selfish.

Not a unilateral decision with no discussion on the basis of your 'right to be happy'.

So a woman with no children to consider who is unhappy after nine years in a relationship should stick with it because his wishes are more important?

The story of women's lives over the ages.

How sad many posters do not believe a marriage is for life, to be worked in through the good and the bad. Life is not to be lived for our own selfish wants and our personal happiness is not the priority

A friend of mine was married to a man who physically abused her and her three sons for years. He actually hit her on the head with a hammer in front of her children. When the boys were in their teens she left him, taking the boys with her.
After a week, their parish priest turned up at the house and said "you've made your point, Margaret, it's time to go back to him."
Her sons threw him out of the house.
l don't think wanting yourself and your children to be safe is selfish behaviour. Her husband was doing precious little to "work through the good and the bad". She found out that he'd had numerous affairs and had children she knew nothing about.
Leaving him wasn't selfish. lt was self preservation and being a good mother.

Quite astonished that the majority seem to think one's own happiness automatically takes precedence over anyone else's feelings or happiness

Quite astonished that anyone would think that someone would live in misery, frustration for the rest of their 60 years to keep someone else happy.

And how, anyway, would the other person be able to be happy knowing their partner was not?

I do think a certain amount of keeping it steady (as long as there is no abuse) for the sake of children needs to be thought about, and certainly the welfare of children in terms of timing, education etc. But why on earth should this young woman be tied to this man for the rest of her life?

I think all you can do is support whatever she wants to do. But I would suggest marriage counseling though.

One thing I would make clear. If you paid for a huge wedding for her, then she doesn't get another one. I sense that the desire for a wedding may have overcome her thinking seriously about the actual marriage.

Of course someone shouldn't stay in a marriage they are desperately unhappy in but they should consider their husband or wife's feelings

How much considering of his wife's feelings has this SiL done while not pulling his weight for years?

Or is it (mysteriously) only women who should "consider their spouse's feelings" when they want to leave a relationship where they're unhappy? Even though their partner has failed to consider their feelings by amending their behaviour?

One thing I would make clear. If you paid for a huge wedding for her, then she doesn't get another one. I sense that the desire for a wedding may have overcome her thinking seriously about the actual marriage.

What sort of an argument is that.... it's like saying I bought you shoes but you don't like them... ungrateful child... never buying you shoes again...
Most people of that age pay for their own wedding... and even if OP paid, it's irrelevant blackmail and says a lot about you...

I suspect the desire for a wedding was to keep the families happy and do as expected of them... the SiL may or may not have got lazy since or there may have been the hope that the marriage may improve the relationship which may have come close to running its course at that time...
There's a lot we don't know here.... but there is little point in staying in the marriage just so the in laws on both sides are happy...

So many young people want the big wedding and all the excitement & attention it brings. They often don’t consider what marriage actually means.

She sounds immature, but all you can do is stand by her and hope she grows up.

She sounds immature, but all you can do is stand by her and hope she grows up

Immature after giving him nine years and he still can't pull his weight around the house?

The OP doesn't mention DD having or wanting a big wedding, she does mention the enthusiasm of both families for the marriage though which is pressure in itself.