I haven't done it but how do I prove it and should I even sodding care anymore

[lorraineinthemleggings]

I have named changed for this .

DP and I have been together 2 years , I moved across the county to live with him in his house . We are due to move in a joint property in the next month or so , I have 50/50 access with my DCs he has 100% with his dc ,

Things haven't been great over the last few weeks , nothing major mostly niggles , stress and expense of Christmas I think and my irritation that it's all fallen to me as Im the woman and therefore enjoy all that stuff

I work full time in my original hometown so have a hefty commute and also work in a 24 hr industry so as a manager I am on-calls on-call if that makes sense .

Last night , just as we had arrived at a party , my phone goes , on-call needs me to make a decision , 30 second call , no big deal , all sorted . DP was off with me from that point on , I thought it was because I was working again when we were out , I get that , I'm sick of it too but that's my job and it's always been that way since I met him .

DP goes out drinking today again with the lads ,leaving me at home with his dc , mine are with their dad. He rolls in steaming drunk , first he started on what I had fed his kids all day and what a disgrace of a mother I was if I thought it was acceptable . I replied along the lines of at least I was at home not in the pub drinking , admittedly I was proper pissed off and got a bit shouty , then he said he should have known I was a shit parent because I gave my kids up 50/50 without fighting their dad for more (there was no need to fight him , we agreed it and it works well and has been going on for so long now , way before I met DP)

And finally that he has clicked what is going on now , I am having affair with the guy who was on call yesterday because I answered the phone "hi babe, what's up?"

1. I don't remember doing that but I could of , I do call people babe , love , chicken etc I am a disgrace to MN I know
2. he knows the guy and has met him several times , he also knows he is a serial shagger and I wouldn't touch him with his own .
3. I have never cheated on anyone in my life , it's not in my nature . 4)DP has confessed that he has cheated on both his wives and he knows that is a deal breaker for me , I hate that kind of behaviour .

He is now passed out in the spare room whilst his dc's are still ramping about the house and calling daddy but daddy is too drunk to see to them . I am in our bedroom with the door closed ignoring the lot of it , I will see to them in a minute , rod for my back eh !

Anyway , I think I have answered my own question just by writing this down but WIBU to tell him his childminder has clocked off and never to leave them with me again . And AIBU to think he could be guilty of cheating as attack is the first form of defence ?

Sorry it's long ...

The fact that he's accusing you of cheating points to the fact that he's lining that up as an excuse so that he can cheat again.

Move away as quickly as you can. At least you have found this out now before you have a joint property or kids together. You can leave him and never have to see him again.

Run for the fucking hills.
Well, just move back to your home town.
Very irresponsible to relocate for a partner - especially one as bad as this - when you have children to support and a job to hold down.

Bollocks to that! I'd definitely be packing my stuff and moving back home with my children, not being a nanny and bloody housekeeper for that prick!

This is a SERIOUS RED FLAG

LEAVE NOW

!!!!!!!

Cannot stress how much his behaviour is typical NARC , and there are several signs too

Leave

@lorraineinthemleggings
Set your concerns about the children aside for a minute and have a real think about your relationship. Is he a kind respectful supportive partner, do you work as a team, does he make you laugh and add value to your life?

If not then why are you in this relationship? You cannot stay with a man who uses you as a nanny/housekeeper/sex object but has no genuine interest in living and supporting you. If nothing else, enabling that behaviour is an awful example for the DC.

Move out, focus on your DC, job and friends. He’s an abusive arsehole with nothing but contempt for you and you’ll never please him.

A guilty mind tends to judge others by their own standards. I would consider the fact that he himself cheated yesterday while out. He came home spoiling for a fight, and you gave him one. Understandably.

I think he has cheated on you. I think he probably cheated on you yesterday and attack is the best form of defense. My husband has a problem with drink and would occasionally come out with the sort of shit he has about not feeding children properly, not being capable to look after them (all this while he has spent hours in the pub leaving them alone with me!!)

Does he often drink a lot?
Does he often pick fights over ridiculous things?
Is he sometimes OK and loving but often a dick?

I'd be considering moving out and leaving him to feed his children whatever he deems appropriate. The longer you stay the more you will get entangled in his mess.

I often wish I had left my husband in the early days. The signs were there, but I ignored them.

He doesn't even like you.
He just wants a live in skivvy.

I also suspect he is cheating given his history and the fact he is projecting guilt back onto you.

This isn’t a life anyone wants to lead, you know you deserve better than this and your DC do too. Get rid and move back home.

I think that he now thinks you are pretty committed to the relationship and moving in together, probably feeling responsibility for his DC so you won't just move out if he behaves as he likes. I would say he will continue like this, probably get worse. I think you should leave, but if not at least back right off, move back to your hometown and keep your independence by having separate homes and finances don't take any responsibility for his kids.

Maintaining a 50/50 arrangement because it works well for your children is a selfless act and should be applauded. This guy is seriously trying to fuck with your mind, get out.

Whether he is cheating or not this is not a good relationship. It sounds as though he just wants a mother for his kids and one he can manipulate too. I think you should leave. It will only get worse. The best thing for you and his children would be if you left, he might just then step up if he has no choice.

The criticising and nasty words will get worse. As will the controlling. If you can get out, I would.

I would never discuss any of this in real life , paint a smile on and all that

That's what a lot of us do.

You're certainly not alone.

@lorraineinthemleggings I hope your lack of recent posts means that you are busy moving yourself out of your shared place and back to the town where you work, and arranging for your own children not to go back to the shared house again. I am sorry for his children in this, but they are ultimately his responsibility, not yours.

So many wish they had been given the magic ball to foresee the future.
Count your lucky stars.
I don’t believe in my heart you will leave but just remember that this is beyond repair and it will get worse.
It give you an insight into how his former partner was treated,there are always two sides to the story who ever introduces themselves as the wanker who treated his wife like shit.

He clearly just wants a parent for his kids and has no respect for you.

He is a disgrace. Don’t punish the kids for their pathetic excuse of a fathers behaviour though- they’ve been punished enough.

Don't you deserve to be treated better than this?

I don't know why you would even consider being with a serial cheat. You aren't different or special. He will probably cheat on you too. He has accused you of cheating because that is his default behaviour.

It is unforgivable for him to keep telling you that you are a bad mum. The fact that you and your ex share your DC 50/50 is the right thing to do. Why shouldn't their father have them for half the time?

I think he wants another partner/wife purely for childcare for his DC. He isn't treating you with the respect you deserve and I hope your self-esteem and self-respect is not low enough to accept the current situation.

I think moving with him into a joint property will be a bad move. Why not move back to your home town with your DC instead? I'm pretty sure you'd be happier.

He sounds AWFUL.

I feel very sorry for his children but they really are not your responsibility unless you do something daft like stay with this loser.

I agree that he has no respect for you as an independent human - you are just "Woman" to service his needs and parent his children so that he doesn't have to. The cheating is a pattern that is likely to continue - and whether he's doing it already or not is neither here nor there, to be honest because at some point he will. He's judging you by his own poor standards - it's debatable whether he actually thinks that you are cheating or not, but he's accused you of it because he would do it.

So he doesn't trust you, has no respect for you and expects you to just be the woman and do everything - what exactly do YOU get out of it?
Because I doubt it's worth it, whatever it is.

Go back to your previous town and save yourself the awful drama of your commute and this additional stress.

He came back and started a fight with you because of his own guilt at leaving his kids and choosing to go to the pub,He knew he was wrong and caused a scene to blame you to mask his own faliures. You have nothing to prove to anyone least of all him...what a pillock he is OP.

It sounds like you’ve had a visit from The Ghost of Christmas Future -and all the other 364 days of the year- OP.

Act like Scrooge and learn from it. I have to echo an earlier poster, in three decades my DH has never done so much as ONE of the things he did to you. He’s awful, and it’s unlikely he will ever change. He’ll get worse.

I feel really sorry for you and for his children, but unfortunately others are right, you need to prioritise your own children and your own wellbeing. Despite the impression one can often get on MN, there are some kind, respectful, caring men out there, and maybe one of them has got your name on?

He’s a schmuck my dear. You deserve better.

Did you manage to avoid getting stuck with childcare this morning?

he resents your 50:50 arrangement & is bitter about having his DC 100% so has a woman around to even things up, as he sees it. A decent partner would see your time off from your own DC as your free time, not his free time to go drinking.

It is not your job to feed and care for his DC, but to come home and criticise is a way to cement that it is. He reinforces that by making you feel unworthy, when its nothing to do with you in the first place.

He knows you don’t cheat, he also knows he does. He knows you’re a good mum, the put downs are to bolster his inadequacies and keep you confused and complaint.

Please don’t inflict this man’s attitudes and influence on your own DC, they are vulnerable.

I haven't done it but how do I prove it You don't. why would you even try? I wouldn't give an arsewipe like him the steam off my piss. Go home and get away from this nobber OP. You are far too good for him. He is managing you on a daily basis. Why would you tell him anything, prove anything, sort anything for a lowlife like this?

I have just got Into work ,

I have been reading through and I don't disagree with any of you .

To answer some questions:

Birth mum is not around and won't ever be , it all happened before I was in the picture, it's not my story to tell and I don't and won't judge the situation , I wasn't involved and I only have this families/his version of events .

Red flags have been flying at low mast the entire time but until I started joined up thinking it hasn't been obvious , life just happens and the days just go on . I am an intelligent woman albeit a tired one at the minute .

I don't have a lot of friends other my work colleagues and I'm not likely to go telling them Incase they think my mind isn't upto my role , they are a great bunch of people but I am mindful that they are not my 'friends'. I deal with much worse professionally everyday so sometimes my perspective of 'bad' is a bit squiffy .

I fed the dcs a happy meal for lunch , beans on toast for tea and let them loose on a box of celebrations- not my finest of parenting moments but not horrific .

My dcs remain at their school in our hometown , as I work there still it's fine . Works for us anyway .

I feel better just being out of the house , it's not as easy as just taking a bag and going but I am putting the feelers out today ,

I'm not an idiot , I am intelligent , I have a decent income I will be ok

@lorraineinthemleggings - glad to hear you are feeling better this morning and so sorry I implied earlier that it's as simple as taking a bag and leaving.
Of course you will be OK, you're not an idiot, you're intelligent, you've a decent income and you've come to a realisation, so now you know what you need to deal with. Good luck with everything and have a fantastic 2020!