I haven't done it but how do I prove it and should I even sodding care anymore

[lorraineinthemleggings]

I have named changed for this .

DP and I have been together 2 years , I moved across the county to live with him in his house . We are due to move in a joint property in the next month or so , I have 50/50 access with my DCs he has 100% with his dc ,

Things haven't been great over the last few weeks , nothing major mostly niggles , stress and expense of Christmas I think and my irritation that it's all fallen to me as Im the woman and therefore enjoy all that stuff

I work full time in my original hometown so have a hefty commute and also work in a 24 hr industry so as a manager I am on-calls on-call if that makes sense .

Last night , just as we had arrived at a party , my phone goes , on-call needs me to make a decision , 30 second call , no big deal , all sorted . DP was off with me from that point on , I thought it was because I was working again when we were out , I get that , I'm sick of it too but that's my job and it's always been that way since I met him .

DP goes out drinking today again with the lads ,leaving me at home with his dc , mine are with their dad. He rolls in steaming drunk , first he started on what I had fed his kids all day and what a disgrace of a mother I was if I thought it was acceptable . I replied along the lines of at least I was at home not in the pub drinking , admittedly I was proper pissed off and got a bit shouty , then he said he should have known I was a shit parent because I gave my kids up 50/50 without fighting their dad for more (there was no need to fight him , we agreed it and it works well and has been going on for so long now , way before I met DP)

And finally that he has clicked what is going on now , I am having affair with the guy who was on call yesterday because I answered the phone "hi babe, what's up?"

1. I don't remember doing that but I could of , I do call people babe , love , chicken etc I am a disgrace to MN I know
2. he knows the guy and has met him several times , he also knows he is a serial shagger and I wouldn't touch him with his own .
3. I have never cheated on anyone in my life , it's not in my nature . 4)DP has confessed that he has cheated on both his wives and he knows that is a deal breaker for me , I hate that kind of behaviour .

He is now passed out in the spare room whilst his dc's are still ramping about the house and calling daddy but daddy is too drunk to see to them . I am in our bedroom with the door closed ignoring the lot of it , I will see to them in a minute , rod for my back eh !

Anyway , I think I have answered my own question just by writing this down but WIBU to tell him his childminder has clocked off and never to leave them with me again . And AIBU to think he could be guilty of cheating as attack is the first form of defence ?

Sorry it's long ...

Of course you can do this OP.

You sound tired and ground down, but you know what...moving in with this abusive plonker is not going to improve things for you.

I agree with discretion at work but maybe if you need to talk to someone out loud, the Samaritans would be helpful.

You deserve more that being used by this awful man.

You can do this👍
💐💐

Do you know you will look back on this in the future and think why have I wasted my time and love on this man.
If you do decide to stay for whatever reason at least PLEASE look at the freedom programme.
When your in the situation you just dont see it for what it is. When your free of it all you will. And by god thats an eye opener. . It will be my god he did that. and why didnt I see it.
PLEASE remember he makes the choice of how he behaves. He chooses to put you down He chooses to make you feel like your not worth it.
He could choose to not make these comments or behave this way but by keeping you down it works to his advantage.
I truly get how hard it is. I honestly do. Its like is it really that bad? Its scary leaving and going it alone.
Its your life and your decision but think about the future and looking back at this time thinking holy shit why did I put up with being treated like that. Its not LOVE thats for sure.
I do wish you the best though whatever you decide. x

I fed the dcs a happy meal for lunch , beans on toast for tea and let them loose on a box of celebrations- not my finest of parenting moments but not horrific .

Well, that's hardly a culinary fail by any means is it? Bet they loved the Celebrations, a treat on New Year's Day.

Ours had a Tesco pizza each last night. They didn't want what we had. They didn't complain.

I will be ok

Repeat x 1000

It is not as easy as the LTB brigade would have people think, but you manged quite well before him. You'll be even better after him.

Mind yourself.

I think it’s hard to back away once you’ve gone down the road so far but it has got to be done.
He’s showing you who he truly is now the honeymoon period is over, there’s still time to back away from this life.

DP once said he wasn't supposed be doing this and this wasn't the plan when they had the kids

I honestly think deep down he doesn't see the kids as his responsibility and he the is resentful one that his life has gone this way

You are a surrogate housekeeper/nanny for his kids. Anyone can be an arse as a one off but as a pattern do you really want to live with this?

Move back, dodge the bullet.

This is a pivotal moment in your life. I've been in relationships where I've had those, and ignored them because I was too invested/it was too hard to listen to my inner voice telling me what I needed to do. The inner voice was never wrong, and a few months/years down the line I've looked back and known I was right. It will never be easier to walk away than it is now - listen to your red flags and your inner voice.

not as easy as just taking a bag and going but I am putting the feelers out today

Good, well done. What’s your plan-can you move back to where you lived before? Are you financially committed to the joint house?

What did he do for childcare for his kids before you came along?

''Don't live the same day for 75 yrs and call it life.''

'' Why would you keep doing the same things, and still expect a different result ?''

Optimism is one thing, but it can easily slide from optimism to fantasy when you're repeatedly shown who someone really is, and yet you continue to think they will change. :(

I find both of these sayings useful when weighing up my life choices, maybe they will help you too............

Think you may have seen his true colours in the nick of time. His behaviour is outrageous, please don't get sucked into a damaging relationship. I'm sorry but I think this man is not worth you uprooting your life and making sacrifices for I know this is easy to say and hard to do but I think you should leave him, no doubt this will fuel his paranoia about unfaithfulness but sadly I think if you stay his behaviour may be a sign of things to come, don't put up with it, get out now before it becomes harder.

OP,
Don't hesitate to tease a plan out on MN.

💐👍

Mate, you sound really nice. You can find a lovely partner, not this gaslighting sourpuss.

Please get your kids away from this as soon as possible. Putting out feelers, it's not acceptable to subject them to this abusive twat and if your kids tell their dad what he's like you are risking losing them (I would sure AF go to court if I found out my ex was subjecting my kids to the presence of an abusive person). All for a bloke. To have this bloke in your life.

Pyong is spot on. You need to get away and stay away from men for a long time until you learn to spot any red flags and DUMP at the first one. Otherwise, the cycle will continue with your kids because believe me, they can see this.

My DD's a teen and one of her best friends, his dad has full custody of him due to drug addiction in his bio mum. He doesn't resent this because he's a adult and mature and a father (he's had full custody of him since he was 3).

Keep a close eye on your contraception, ensure you are always having safe sex and if somehow you don't then get the morning after pill - it will be a harder choice downthe line otherwise.

Don't let him know what you're planning or what direction your thoughts are turning to. People like him will do and say anything to keep hold of their satellites, make promises with no intent to keep them, make threats with every intent to keep them, love bombing, sudden illness... you name it, it's in The Script.

Just bumble along same old same old, while you hatch your plans and get things ready and then go.

So what happened with the childcare for his DCs today?

@JonSlow

No idea , I'm presuming he hasn't gone to work , self employed so maybe he has rearranged . Or mostly likely dropped them with his parents for a few hours . I don't know

I've had radio silence since around 9pm last night . Everyone was still asleep when I left this morning .

I plan to read everyone comments later , when I'm finished work , I'm snowed under because I dared to have yesterday off I love it really

What a shit bloke. Please leave and don't subject your kids to this knob.

Hope you've had a good day at work and had time to clear you mind.
You sound lovely and smart and you can do so much better if you choose to. Bet you and your kids would be happier on your own.

Wow OP. He treats you like shit. Leave him and go back to where you lived. You deserve to be loved, respected and valued. He doesn't do any of them.

He’s an absolute arsehole and to him you a live in free help / babysitter.

You can do better OP 💐

Lorraine, hope you're feeling better today.
Leaving is never as simple as we'd like it to be, but please don't let inertia get the better of you. Do you have a hometown friend or family member who can put you up for a while?

Take your time, plan ahead.
Leave when it suits you and your family.
Don’t let him know until last minute.
Focus on your plans.
Don’t let him get to you

@groovergirl

Not really , I'm a bit of a lone wolf in that respect .

I'm so pissed off with myself I can't sleep , he has no trouble .

I ask him earlier what last night was all about and he just said "why you still going about that , I said sorry "

He did sandwich a sorry in between asking where a receipt was and could I pick X Y and Z up on my way home .

Apparently I should be over it by now 🤷🏼‍♀️. I am not

Glad you are not over it x he's shown you who is is - believe it! Good luck x

Wow. His arrogance is breathtaking.