I haven't done it but how do I prove it and should I even sodding care anymore

[lorraineinthemleggings]

I have named changed for this .

DP and I have been together 2 years , I moved across the county to live with him in his house . We are due to move in a joint property in the next month or so , I have 50/50 access with my DCs he has 100% with his dc ,

Things haven't been great over the last few weeks , nothing major mostly niggles , stress and expense of Christmas I think and my irritation that it's all fallen to me as Im the woman and therefore enjoy all that stuff

I work full time in my original hometown so have a hefty commute and also work in a 24 hr industry so as a manager I am on-calls on-call if that makes sense .

Last night , just as we had arrived at a party , my phone goes , on-call needs me to make a decision , 30 second call , no big deal , all sorted . DP was off with me from that point on , I thought it was because I was working again when we were out , I get that , I'm sick of it too but that's my job and it's always been that way since I met him .

DP goes out drinking today again with the lads ,leaving me at home with his dc , mine are with their dad. He rolls in steaming drunk , first he started on what I had fed his kids all day and what a disgrace of a mother I was if I thought it was acceptable . I replied along the lines of at least I was at home not in the pub drinking , admittedly I was proper pissed off and got a bit shouty , then he said he should have known I was a shit parent because I gave my kids up 50/50 without fighting their dad for more (there was no need to fight him , we agreed it and it works well and has been going on for so long now , way before I met DP)

And finally that he has clicked what is going on now , I am having affair with the guy who was on call yesterday because I answered the phone "hi babe, what's up?"

1. I don't remember doing that but I could of , I do call people babe , love , chicken etc I am a disgrace to MN I know
2. he knows the guy and has met him several times , he also knows he is a serial shagger and I wouldn't touch him with his own .
3. I have never cheated on anyone in my life , it's not in my nature . 4)DP has confessed that he has cheated on both his wives and he knows that is a deal breaker for me , I hate that kind of behaviour .

He is now passed out in the spare room whilst his dc's are still ramping about the house and calling daddy but daddy is too drunk to see to them . I am in our bedroom with the door closed ignoring the lot of it , I will see to them in a minute , rod for my back eh !

Anyway , I think I have answered my own question just by writing this down but WIBU to tell him his childminder has clocked off and never to leave them with me again . And AIBU to think he could be guilty of cheating as attack is the first form of defence ?

Sorry it's long ...

Lorraineinthemleggings.

January 2020 - start of a new year and a new decade. New beginnings for you. You know what you have to do. Every best wish coming your way

Did you pick them up?

Also next time he wants to go out, ask him who is going to look after his DC?
You did not do a good enough job last time, so you are not doing it again.

He’s an arrogant shitbag. Bin him.

How dare he treat you with such disrespect.

Can you really see yourself with him in 2030? What would that look like? If not then don't waste any more of the decade with him.

Yeh hes not sorry op. Thats how he feels this is who he is. This is your life, wont change (will probs get worse the more you tie yourself up with him) unless you leave.

Im guessing its walking away from the kids which is the hardest part, you have to for your own well being tho op.

Wow he sounds like an awful, emotionally abusive dick. Please run, don't walk from this as soon as humanly possible. He will only get worse from here take my word for it. I expect he will go through spells of acting nicer/normal to gaslight you into thinking you are over reacting to his terrible moments. Crazy making. You deserve better OP

he sounds awful!!! does he just want a 'new' mum for his kids so he can continue leading a batchelor life???

and yeah the cheats are the ones who see cheating everywhere they look.. they expect everyone to live to the same standards as them!

He sounds like a dead loss
Move back to your hometown, I feel sorry for his kids though that isn't your problem to sort out

You need to leave. Cheating or not is irrelevant, he's already smashed through the LTB Threshold without considering if he's also a cheater.

It reads like he doesnt even like you tbh, I think you're just convenient.

You deserve better.

Christ, could he give less of a damn OP.

Please get away from him.

Everyone deserves better than this OP.
Get out ASAP.

Oh goodness.

Run OP and never look back. what a sorry excuse for a role model his poor kids have.

Go find happiness.

Have the comparisons started between how much is spent on the 2 sets of children yet? If not that'll ramp up soon.

There's no long term with someone that despises you. I'm glad you've seen it before you make the move with him though!

WTF!
I ask him earlier what last night was all about and he just said "why you still going about that , I said sorry

So he is allowed to sulk for a length of time of his choosing and ‘get back at you’ by going out drinking, heaping abuse in you and accusing you of having an affair after you casually address someone as babe, but you are supposed to ‘get over it’ on the basis of a fleeting ‘sorry’ after he accuses you of cheating and attacks your parenting situation?

He then criticises you and makes it your fault when you try and talk about it.

He doesn’t allow you to have feelings, he doesn’t care about your feelings, only his count. He is emotionally controlling.

NOBODY but you gets to say when you are 'over' something.

He doesn't even sound contrite, he's just flapping his mouth over words that he thinks you ought to hear. And the fact he thinks they needed to be said shows that he knows he's behaved badly, he just doesn't care HOW badly or about the impact his behaviour has had on you.

He just wants you to put up and shut up.

I've always noticed that men who accuse you of cheating do so because it's what they are doing too much Jeremy Kyle watching, I know

And he's a piece of shit all round. Go home!

So, of course, you are staying with this abusive twat and subjecting your kids to him?

Your children are living and attending school in your hometown. Your job is in your hometown. Since it's your hometown I assume that your family and friends (at least some of them) are there, too.

Why are you even contemplating staying with this man? He treats you like a skivvy. And don't say "Well, we do have 'good times". A few 'good times' is NOT a good life.

I'm not being snarky. It's a serious question.

He said sorry so it is all right now and you shouldn’t be going on about it?

A prince walks among us.

But this is an example of sorry not sorry to me.

I am at work again today , full of a cold but welcoming the head space . Crappy nights sleep too .

My ExH just called , he wants too keep kids this weekend as there is an event he thinks they will enjoy , I am fine with that , relieved almost that they don't have to come back to it all right now.

I am able to think practically instead of emotionally now so I am feeling much better .

I am still incredibly hurt over what he said about me giving up on my kids as I have never seen it like that , exh was always a hands on dad and we both had busy careers so childcare was always split between us anyway also similar incomes so 50/50 seemed the most obvious way to go . DP can not stand that we are friendly and I hide most of my communication with exh as that's something else that will set DP off .( it's usually only about dinner money payments or missing PE kits anyway !)

There is nothing wrong with me , all of this is DPs problem , I don't know why he is like this but it's not my problem to fix .

I will get there , I am just looking at finances and where I can start to put some money aside to give myself some options .

He is working all weekend so I hope he has some childcare sorted as I will be up and out early doors doing something fabulous sitting on mac Donald's car park probably I won't be home to play nanny nevermind do it badly !

Well, as they say, he's shown you who he truly is, and while it's ok to be hurt, you need to get angry too. How dare he criticise your childcare arrangements? How dare he be angry that you are able to co-parent your children civilly with your ex? He has NO RIGHT to do that.

Get angrier, get everything together and get OUT. This man has nothing for you.

childcare sorted for this weekend - he will. its you.
(especially if he thinks you have your own DC this weekend anyway)

his attitude toward communication with your ex about your DC says it all, you shouldn’t have to hide that. Great timing not having DC this weekend, time to plan and get some clarity without distractions.

He did sandwich a sorry in between asking where a receipt was and could I pick X Y and Z up on my way home

Are you/did you pick up x,y, z on your way home?