I haven't done it but how do I prove it and should I even sodding care anymore

[lorraineinthemleggings]

I have named changed for this .

DP and I have been together 2 years , I moved across the county to live with him in his house . We are due to move in a joint property in the next month or so , I have 50/50 access with my DCs he has 100% with his dc ,

Things haven't been great over the last few weeks , nothing major mostly niggles , stress and expense of Christmas I think and my irritation that it's all fallen to me as Im the woman and therefore enjoy all that stuff

I work full time in my original hometown so have a hefty commute and also work in a 24 hr industry so as a manager I am on-calls on-call if that makes sense .

Last night , just as we had arrived at a party , my phone goes , on-call needs me to make a decision , 30 second call , no big deal , all sorted . DP was off with me from that point on , I thought it was because I was working again when we were out , I get that , I'm sick of it too but that's my job and it's always been that way since I met him .

DP goes out drinking today again with the lads ,leaving me at home with his dc , mine are with their dad. He rolls in steaming drunk , first he started on what I had fed his kids all day and what a disgrace of a mother I was if I thought it was acceptable . I replied along the lines of at least I was at home not in the pub drinking , admittedly I was proper pissed off and got a bit shouty , then he said he should have known I was a shit parent because I gave my kids up 50/50 without fighting their dad for more (there was no need to fight him , we agreed it and it works well and has been going on for so long now , way before I met DP)

And finally that he has clicked what is going on now , I am having affair with the guy who was on call yesterday because I answered the phone "hi babe, what's up?"

1. I don't remember doing that but I could of , I do call people babe , love , chicken etc I am a disgrace to MN I know
2. he knows the guy and has met him several times , he also knows he is a serial shagger and I wouldn't touch him with his own .
3. I have never cheated on anyone in my life , it's not in my nature . 4)DP has confessed that he has cheated on both his wives and he knows that is a deal breaker for me , I hate that kind of behaviour .

He is now passed out in the spare room whilst his dc's are still ramping about the house and calling daddy but daddy is too drunk to see to them . I am in our bedroom with the door closed ignoring the lot of it , I will see to them in a minute , rod for my back eh !

Anyway , I think I have answered my own question just by writing this down but WIBU to tell him his childminder has clocked off and never to leave them with me again . And AIBU to think he could be guilty of cheating as attack is the first form of defence ?

Sorry it's long ...

What fabulous plans do you have for your weekend?
National gallery with a nice lunch out?
Massage and a movie?
Long walk in your old town looking at rentals?

Blimey I really do hope you leave him.

Does he have a habit of arranging other childcare apart from you? I dearly hope you got out last night at the very least for the weekend and aren't currently watching his kids. Because if this cycle isn't broken nothing at all will change.

I hope you've had a great day today and more fun lined up for tomorrow!

You’ve not commented in a while op, is everything ok? Let us know if you need us!

He is paranoid and nasty by the sound of it, and was being totally unreasonable. The term “babe”, as you said, doesn’t mean anything really. Not like you said “ hi Mr Supersex” or something. If this is the way he is when he drinks usually? He sounds very abusive.

You’ve not commented in a while op, is everything ok?

Probably been busy minding his kids all weekend.

In my experience, those who point the finger about cheating are cheating themselves. He does have form for it.

@FruitcakeOfHate

Wrong !

I told him Friday evening that it wasn't happening .

He made other arrangements (so it can be done !) I thought he would majorly kick off but he didn't mention it again once he had dropped them off .

We have not discussed anything , he thinks it's all fine because I'm not shouting or appearing upset anymore - I am happy to let him think this for the time being .

I have been on visits to my family , catching up with people I only usually see at wedding and funerals . I wasn't brave enough to tell them about what was going on , I just made out I had a weekend free and was doing the rounds before the Christmas break was over .

You sound lovely op and he sounds abusive, he’s doing boiled frog to you but woopsy he miscalculated his increments of ramping up (probably because of the booze - I don’t believe booze makes people act out of character, i think it makes us show our true faces).

While you plan and get your stuff together, have a google of ‘medium chill’ - it is a way of closing yourself off to other people’s drama and mind games without appearing hostile or provoking.

It is a really bad sign that he is so jealous and arsey about your work colleagues and ex. Anyone worth planning a future with would be glad that you have such a great co parenting set up, because it works for you and it works for your dc, and anyone who loved you all in an unselfish way would be glad of things in your life that are going well for you. Unfortunately he doesn’t see you as you a whole real person with your own inner life, he only cares about you in relation to him. He is very dangerous. I don’t want to scaremonger but if you stay with him be prepared for spyware on your phone and him hacking your messages etc. This is what happened to me, except i have kids with him so i just have to eat shit about it - don’t be me.

I wasn't brave enough to tell them about what was going on

Well, that makes it real, and you'd have to follow up on it. I get the impression that you don't want to actually leave him, but are going through the motions.

I hope you do leave him though, because the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.

"I wasn't brave enough to tell them about what was going on"

Just asking, why not? are you ashamed? it's not your shame, it's his. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

If it's because, as Motoko says, it makes it "real" for you then that's a good thing.

Pick one person and tell them. MAKE it real, and they will support you (if you pick the right person!). And once you've told one it's easier to tell the next one.

This is on him, not you. When you leave him, it will be very freeing for you and you will feel loads lighter - but it will help you hugely if you have people who know why you are leaving and that you are leaving - they will probably even help you move!

Tell people, honestly.

Echoing others about your not being "brave enough" to let your family know what's going on - you ARE brave, I can't presume to understand your position, @lorraineinthemleggings, as I'm lucky enough never to have suffered as you are, but gosh, you're brave even to just tell him no, about his own children, it seems to me! I don't know, maybe he'll start seeing you as other than a nanny, or you'll be able to leave on your own terms and lead your own life without him. I wish you very well.

He got drunk (and complacent) and slipped up by showing his true colours. It took longer for his ex's and was too late by the time they did.

Consider this your extremely lucky wake up call to LTB before he does anymore harm. His children are not your responsibility and not a reason to stay with him.

*showed his colours too soon.

Sorry OP, but I would be gone by now.
Particularly after the insult about your kids and the fact that he cheated on both of his wives.

he thinks it's all fine because I'm not shouting or appearing upset anymore - I am happy to let him think this for the time being

Good.. let him this this OP..

Well done not being his doormat this weekend!

I get not wanting to tell people yet, but you're way too good for him, so I hope you don't back out.
Keep coming back and re-reading this thread when you need motivation.

Splendid, OP! You're starting the year off the right way.

Now, you can rebuild those relationships, tell people that you're thinking of moving back and will be spending some time there house hunting. I imagine most will think that is sensible, given the child and work situation.