I haven't done it but how do I prove it and should I even sodding care anymore

[lorraineinthemleggings]

I have named changed for this .

DP and I have been together 2 years , I moved across the county to live with him in his house . We are due to move in a joint property in the next month or so , I have 50/50 access with my DCs he has 100% with his dc ,

Things haven't been great over the last few weeks , nothing major mostly niggles , stress and expense of Christmas I think and my irritation that it's all fallen to me as Im the woman and therefore enjoy all that stuff

I work full time in my original hometown so have a hefty commute and also work in a 24 hr industry so as a manager I am on-calls on-call if that makes sense .

Last night , just as we had arrived at a party , my phone goes , on-call needs me to make a decision , 30 second call , no big deal , all sorted . DP was off with me from that point on , I thought it was because I was working again when we were out , I get that , I'm sick of it too but that's my job and it's always been that way since I met him .

DP goes out drinking today again with the lads ,leaving me at home with his dc , mine are with their dad. He rolls in steaming drunk , first he started on what I had fed his kids all day and what a disgrace of a mother I was if I thought it was acceptable . I replied along the lines of at least I was at home not in the pub drinking , admittedly I was proper pissed off and got a bit shouty , then he said he should have known I was a shit parent because I gave my kids up 50/50 without fighting their dad for more (there was no need to fight him , we agreed it and it works well and has been going on for so long now , way before I met DP)

And finally that he has clicked what is going on now , I am having affair with the guy who was on call yesterday because I answered the phone "hi babe, what's up?"

1. I don't remember doing that but I could of , I do call people babe , love , chicken etc I am a disgrace to MN I know
2. he knows the guy and has met him several times , he also knows he is a serial shagger and I wouldn't touch him with his own .
3. I have never cheated on anyone in my life , it's not in my nature . 4)DP has confessed that he has cheated on both his wives and he knows that is a deal breaker for me , I hate that kind of behaviour .

He is now passed out in the spare room whilst his dc's are still ramping about the house and calling daddy but daddy is too drunk to see to them . I am in our bedroom with the door closed ignoring the lot of it , I will see to them in a minute , rod for my back eh !

Anyway , I think I have answered my own question just by writing this down but WIBU to tell him his childminder has clocked off and never to leave them with me again . And AIBU to think he could be guilty of cheating as attack is the first form of defence ?

Sorry it's long ...

I think he has cheated on you ... hence all the displaced accusations. Sorry to say it.

However, whether this is true, I think he sounds awful and you are too good for him.

100% his expectation is that you are his childcare for this weekend

To be honest what he said about your relationship with your kids would’ve been the final straw for me let alone accusing you of having an affair. Your life seems to be harder because you live with him not easier Go home

@fedup21

X Y and Z were grocery items and no I didn't !

I've NRTFT but goodness me, my initial response is why on earth are you staying with this man?

So as I said previously can you please look at the Freedom Programme. You can do it online if you need to. I just think it will give you a very clear idea on why he does the things he does.
When you see it so clearly you cant fail to realise why none of this is your fault and then the process of moving on wether that be physically moving house or mentally will be so much quicker and therefor less time wasting.
If you do end up going to group sessions you will get a lot of support.
To be honest I always have and still do find the mental stuff so hard to deal with

I do so much but it’s never quite enough and I can’t seem to make him understand that he should be grateful for what I do instead of being critical all the time....he said he should have known I was a shit parent because I gave my kids up 50/50 without fighting their dad for more...

Gave up on your children? Hogwash. Please do not internalize his cruel accusations. They are untrue. He was trying to make you doubt yourself. That is how abusers control others. You know that 50/50 is the very best arrangement for your children because they need that time with their father.

You work hard for the family and treat his children as your own, but still this pig enjoys grinding you down with his criticism, taunts and accusations. He does not love, respect and appreciate you.

Leave this train wreck ASAP. Your children will be damaged in this toxic environment.

OP, he could be up and out before you tomorrow morning. Why wouldn't be. He doesn't give a damn a out you, his children, your children.
He is irritated by your exh who is trying to be a good father.

Is there honestly nowhere else you can go?
Staying with him is not in your best interests.

How about telling your ex the truth.
Could you stay with your ex until you get a play in your old hometown?

LTB. He sounds horrible.

Can you afford to book yourself in somewhere nice (or even cheap!) tonight? I think you need to not run the risk of being available tomorrow morning. You don't need his permission to go out. You're not responsible for arranging childcare for his children, go away somewhere tonight, have a bath, read a book, whatever... But do not be in the house in the morning.

He will accuse you of all sorts, but he'll do that anyway. Might as well have a nice night in a big double bed, all to yourself!!

Stalling leaving him gives him more time to wear you down. He has the measure of you, he'll be up and out early tomorrow so you can skivvy for him. All manner of wrong to have him around your kids.

He has shown you who he is OP. Believe him. You will thank yourself for it.

So you're his domestic appliance

Can you let your Ex know the situation and can you spend the weekend looking at how to move back to your hometown?

I agree, you shouldn't go back tonight, or he'll leave before you in the morning. He got caught by you doing that the other day.

You don’t deserve this!

Have a nice day tomorrow, just be mindful if you sneak off without saying he might accuse you again.

Hopefully your finances can be sorted quickly so that you can have a smooth transition out and not cause yourself or the kids any unnecessary stress!

I know his kids are his problem..... but has he been or is he likely to take it out on them?

You seem very switched on, OP - everything you have said about him resenting having to be responsible for his own children, and expecting a woman to do it instead is bang on the money. You have the measure of him, and you will get away.

Beware - when he realises you are slipping from his grasp, he will pull out all the stops to keep you. He will promise to change, have an unprompted revelation about being a better father, say he realises now how much you did for him and how grateful he is - everything you have been longing to hear.

Don't believe him. All him saying thosr things to you demonstrates is that he knew all along how miserable you were, but just didn't care until there were going to be some consequences for him.

All of us here want you to leave right this second, but I know it's not that easy. How long do you think you'll need to sort everything out? Seems like your ex would be happy to take the kids for a week or so while you find a new flat and move your possessions.

Can you visit a friend for the weekend?

It’s obvious he’s jealous of your cordial relationship with your ex & that you co parent

He wants to say he has his kids 100% of the time while he gets you to do the heavy lifting

He’s nasty mean & spiteful

You are not gaining anything from this relationship & thankfully you have nothing tying you to him or his home

Can you stay with a friend for the weekend? Sort out somewhere else to live?

I’d do it now, he’s going to get nastier

last minute child free weekend so you’re off to stay with a friend/family, go tonight back Sunday maybe? or Monday after work.

I’m not sure he’ll get nasty, he might love bomb.

I think you've had a glimpse of what life could be if you stayed with him.

Criticism for how you parent his children but with no thanks for it and probably more work...

Paranoia about whether you'll cheat because he knows he's a cheater so thinks everyone else is...

He gets to go out, get drunk and opt out of parenting while you take up thecrezponsibilty of his kids...

End it now, it'll never get better

Glad you have started to plan OP..

Stay rationale @lorraineinthemleggings - you sound calm and thoughtful. Get your financial situation sorted but in the meantime make it clear you aren’t the default babysitter/housekeeper
Remember you can’t be your genuine self with him and you don’t need this shit for the rest of your life

I am still incredibly hurt over what he said about me giving up on my kids as I have never seen it like that , exh was always a hands on dad and we both had busy careers so childcare was always split between us anyway also similar incomes so 50/50 seemed the most obvious way to go.
This position that you must take total control or you are giving up is his world view. He show it to you every day.
Believe him.

(He said) I was a shit parent because I gave my kids up 50/50 without fighting their dad for more

I think this is the anger he feels towards his own ExP / the mother of his children. “Why didn’t you take them? Why did you give up on your own kids? “

It doesn’t help you much OP but it does reinforce the idea that all he is looking for is a woman to take over the childcare duties that he is so resentful about.

He sounds like a complete arse op. Glad you're making plans to leave.