I haven't done it but how do I prove it and should I even sodding care anymore

[lorraineinthemleggings]

I have named changed for this .

DP and I have been together 2 years , I moved across the county to live with him in his house . We are due to move in a joint property in the next month or so , I have 50/50 access with my DCs he has 100% with his dc ,

Things haven't been great over the last few weeks , nothing major mostly niggles , stress and expense of Christmas I think and my irritation that it's all fallen to me as Im the woman and therefore enjoy all that stuff

I work full time in my original hometown so have a hefty commute and also work in a 24 hr industry so as a manager I am on-calls on-call if that makes sense .

Last night , just as we had arrived at a party , my phone goes , on-call needs me to make a decision , 30 second call , no big deal , all sorted . DP was off with me from that point on , I thought it was because I was working again when we were out , I get that , I'm sick of it too but that's my job and it's always been that way since I met him .

DP goes out drinking today again with the lads ,leaving me at home with his dc , mine are with their dad. He rolls in steaming drunk , first he started on what I had fed his kids all day and what a disgrace of a mother I was if I thought it was acceptable . I replied along the lines of at least I was at home not in the pub drinking , admittedly I was proper pissed off and got a bit shouty , then he said he should have known I was a shit parent because I gave my kids up 50/50 without fighting their dad for more (there was no need to fight him , we agreed it and it works well and has been going on for so long now , way before I met DP)

And finally that he has clicked what is going on now , I am having affair with the guy who was on call yesterday because I answered the phone "hi babe, what's up?"

1. I don't remember doing that but I could of , I do call people babe , love , chicken etc I am a disgrace to MN I know
2. he knows the guy and has met him several times , he also knows he is a serial shagger and I wouldn't touch him with his own .
3. I have never cheated on anyone in my life , it's not in my nature . 4)DP has confessed that he has cheated on both his wives and he knows that is a deal breaker for me , I hate that kind of behaviour .

He is now passed out in the spare room whilst his dc's are still ramping about the house and calling daddy but daddy is too drunk to see to them . I am in our bedroom with the door closed ignoring the lot of it , I will see to them in a minute , rod for my back eh !

Anyway , I think I have answered my own question just by writing this down but WIBU to tell him his childminder has clocked off and never to leave them with me again . And AIBU to think he could be guilty of cheating as attack is the first form of defence ?

Sorry it's long ...

On my next week commute I would be taking my suitcase with me.

work*

The fact that you don’t have kids with him is a big advantage. LTB for sure.

I’d be wondering if I could also take the DSCs with me, since he doesn’t seem to want them, but appreciate that this may not be simple.

I think the thing that's most likely to keep you there is the thought
"His poor kids, nobody wants them...I could want them"
Compassionate towards his kids by you initially, but actually co-dependent behaviour.
It would be enabling him. Allowing him to continue to be resentful of them by letting him distance himself. Avoid responsibility. Fail to "adult" which he clearly avoids most of the time.
It would also eat away at you and your relationships as you change to make up more and more for what he chooses not to do.
From what you've said so far it would seem to be a toxic and one sided relationship. My advice would be to move away, right now,pack a bag, have a week off. Give yourself some headspace to see how you feel, and also how he behaves towards this reasonable action.

OP, I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, that you somehow feel this horribly abusive user is all you deserve.

But is he honestly all your children deserve.

You are at a key juncture in your life.

Are you going to continue walking you and your children into a shit storm or are you going to pull back and do what you know is the right thing to do.

He isn't doing the right thing for his children coming in drunk and abusive.

Those poor children.

You are wide awake to this situation and how awful it is.

Don't allow the situation to become more complicated and entangled than it is.

Pull back.

Do the right thing for YOUR children.

Do NOT knowingly move them into to an abusive house.

Do the right thing for you.

Pack your bags.

Get out.
💐

Sorry to hear he’s being such a d**k.
In my experience, my ex partner was a complete narcissist, always accused me of cheating and was so suspicious of everything I did, spoke to me like crap. What I have since learned with him was everything he accused me of and made a point of saying he would never do to me was a self disclosure that he was actually doing those things.
It’s their guilty conscience playing out and it’s so obvious when you start to take note. Obviously everyone is different but your partner sounds paranoid and guilty to me.
You sound like you deserve a hell of a lot more than a man child who leaves you to take care of his business whilst he goes and has fun.

He sees you as a nanny and housekeeper.

Get away from him because he's not going to get any better if you moved to a different house. It'll get worse if anything.

Move back to your home town and enjoy your contact with your children in a calm house.

As others have said - I eoudntbput up with that either!

Don't call colleagues babe by the way or anything similar it's it's inappropriate

He's been auditioning you for the role of nanny since day 1

Tbh I think you were mad to go and live with a house full of some one else's kids 100,% of the time when you have a lovely 50/50 arrangement yourself!

I can't believe the comments he made to you - he really wanted to hurt you didn't he. What a nasty low life.

He is showing you what he is really like. PLEASE LISTEN. This can only get worse.

In your shoes I'd be heading back home and leaving him.

JFC what are you getting out of this arrangement?

I presume he's got a 12" dick which spaffs diamonds? Otherwise why the fuck are you there? You're an unpaid nanny to his children, being criticised for not devoting yourself 24/7 to his needs despite the fact you have your own kids and a job.

The comment about 'giving up' 50% of your children is very telling. He sees them as little possessions and he's jealous that you have an effective co-parenting relationship. It wouldn't occur to him that it's actually an arrangement that's in the children's best interests - he just sees it as winning or losing. That's sad - and that's someone I certainly wouldn't want to be with.

A cheater will always project their cheating onto a partner. It used to be called judging others by yourself. He's made his mind up that you're cheating or ready to cheat because HE is. Look at it as a confession.

And as for proving that you aren't; forget it. He's got self-imposed confirmation bias, meaning he can only process evidence that you are cheating. His filter just doesn't let the rest through. Have you ever tried convincing a flat-earther or climate change denier of the truth? It's s waste of time.

You really need to get out of there!

Why are you with him? What are his redeeming qualities? He cheated on both his exes and left his kids with you to get drunk. I would be phoning the kids mum and explaining that he is unfit to look after them and you have a prior commitment and dropping them back to her as soon as is reasonable. I would also dump him and move on, he sounds like more trouble than he is worth. By accusing you of cheating it sounds as he is projecting. Move on.

OP, you know in your heart what you and need/want to do. Move out and let him get on with it. You know he will cheat ( may already have done) you know he thinks your an unfit mother and tbh i dont think he likes you that much, he just needed a childminder and house keeper. Start the new year the way you mean to go on

He sounds like a complete chauvinist OP. You sound much better than that.

OP: don’t get hung up on whether he is cheating or not: you don’t have to have proof or need evidence to give yourself permission to leave.
The fact is, you are not happy, the relationship is not healthy, your life has been compromised and inconvenienced, and his behaviour towards you is horrible. You never have to justify a decision to r d things.

I think you should stay with him. After all what could a woman want more than to be someone else's live in nanny, but for free, whilst also being their emotional punch bag?

So have you already moved your children's school?

Can you move them back?

Are they happy with him and his kids?

It doesn’t sound like a brilliant relationship. It sounds like it you who’ve compromised most and then to have masses of amounts of criticism thrown at you isn’t on.

Go back to your home town. There are so many red flags here they have formed a red flag forest.
Cheated on his last two wives for a start. What makes you so special that he won't cheat on you too.
What he said was really nasty after he has abandones his own kids to get drunk.
Please don't buy a home with this man, just imagine how easy your life would be back in your home town, near your own kids and job and peace and quiet at home.
There are plenty of nice uncomplicated men out there, don't pick the one who all of us on here can tell is going to ruin your life.

Did he bully, abuse, nag and generally drag his kids' mum through the dirt in order to get his custody of them? Is that what he means by 'fighting for his kids'? Because he's going to bully, abuse, nag and generally drag you through the dirt too... because, ultimately, that's how he sees women. And that's why he cheats.

Because women are 'lesser' to him. Go now.

He's done you a huge favour by getting so pissed he has shown you his true beliefs, and painted a full colour picture of your future with him. Run like the wind and don't look back.