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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to end this via text?

188 replies

Conflicted1212 · 01/01/2020 21:21

Been seeing a guy for nearly 5 months. He is really busy, childcare and we live 30 mins drive. I work long hours and active social life. We try to see each other 1/2 times a week, staying over. Our means of communication is via daily texts. Lately he has been difficult to pin down to meet and very delayed In answering texts, even when has been online.

Since mid December he has said he was busy, trying to finish work things (has 2 jobs) and Xmas events. We both had family down for a week over Xmas, so no time. Last time I saw him was 27th December.

We tried to make NYE plans and they didn’t work out as he wasn’t sure in childcare - it was his normal day - but wasn’t sure if his teenager has plans. So my friend asked if she could come and stay, which I said yes. He ended up making plans with his friends, even though we were 10 mins down the road. I invited him to pop round today as he was close. Read the text but no answer.

Also today as my friend was messing about on bumble, his profile appeared. We had a chat in October when he said His profile wasn’t active and he wanted to see what develops, but take it slow. He said he had been hurt in the past and liked our dynamic. Couldn’t be 100 % committed as his teenager and work were priority. Pressed on this and he said seeing each other all the time and moulding lives, just wanted it to develop organically. That’s fine, I am wanting to remain independent and maintain our lives. Taking it slow is fine.

However, I feel I am being slow faded. The activation of his bumble account and ignoring texts, not good signs. So I would rather end it, as he is obviously not mature to do this. Do I do it over text? Or face to face - I like to gauge reactions. It’s just when we will meet?

I am sad as I liked him, but rather leave respectfully than being cheated on or replaced. What do I do?

OP posts:
Cuttingthegrass · 02/01/2020 09:54

Do you have a timeframe in your mind how long you will wait until he can spare an hour? Could be Easter! After asking him to speak to you please be prepared for a text from him suggesting you’re not compatible and dumping you. I hope I’m wrong though. Take care

ilikemethewayiam · 02/01/2020 09:58

how Much stuff have you left at his? Is it valuable or just a few bottles of toiletries? If the latter I would just text him to end it clean and tell him to bin the stuff. Your dignity is way more important. What @lex234 said is perfect. If it is important then try to arrange a way to get it without seeing him. For example, ask a friend to collect it for you? If you don’t do this with self respect and dignity now, you will look back and cringe at your lack of a backbone. I’ve been there! That’s not good for your mental health either.

Original poster
Conflicted1212 · 02/01/2020 10:03

We were suppose to be doing something this weekend. Obviously I was suppose to be waiting for him sorting childcare. The theme as always waiting. I have realised that he uses his child as an excuse to be busy as it’s the only reason I can’t question- I won’t as his kid is his priority. Not impressed with this

Clarity of his dysfunctional life. Found debt collector letters at his house last week. He admitted he got pushed before sacked in previous job and his dramas over his family life. I imagine there are a lot more hidden things that don’t match my values. It’s ended. If he is busy today then text will have to do.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 02/01/2020 10:11

If you think he's seeing other people it's more likely that he's waiting on a better offer before confirming plans with you and his kid is the excuse.

JustASmallTownCurl · 02/01/2020 10:21

Finding letters in other people's homes is a bit of an invasion of privacy, I can't imagine how you "found" them when he was presumably out of the room. I'd be really pissed off if someone I was seeing looked at my mail and I haven't got anything to hide.

I think this has all run away with you OP, he told you he didn't want to rush things and he made it clear he's really busy and wasn't prioritising you, so it's important you think about why you kept seeing him despite not being on the same page.

And also why you're now upset with him despite appearing to him to be happy with how things were (as you continued to see him regardless) so giving him no reason to change things or end things.

Put this one down to just not being compatible and don't overthink it so much!

CheddarGorgeous · 02/01/2020 10:31

I do think it's classier to dump in conversation, not over text.

But I wouldn't pin your hopes on any kind of closure from him. He sounds like a user.

Just keep it simple - not working for you - then stop contact. It sounds like you could get sucked back in as you do still like him.

windycuntryside · 02/01/2020 10:32

Just end it. He is just not that into you

redwoodmazza · 02/01/2020 10:38

Good luck OP.

YellowJellyfish · 02/01/2020 10:44

I can understand you wanting closure, but he's already dumped you.

He's on Bumble fgs, i wouldn't even bother texting him never mind talking to him.

Move on :)

GiveHerHellFromUs · 02/01/2020 10:47

*I do think it's classier to dump in conversation, not over text
*
Does class really matter when you're dumping a cheat you're not even in a proper relationship with?

Glitterb · 02/01/2020 10:51

I wouldn’t even mention the Bumble thing, I would just say that you are obviously wanting different things and best of luck etc

Original poster
Conflicted1212 · 02/01/2020 10:56

We discussed it October as I was concerned we were not onthe same page. He says we were. Again found him on bumble but I my house. At that point we were not exclusive.

Didn’t snoop. I walked into his kitchen and saw the letter on the table open and laid out. A glance saw the contents. He had told me a few weeks ago he had paid off his debts. We had one of those in the future we could buy a house together. Mine is on the market and I told him maybe the next house, saying house I am buying is mine. Ffs 4 months in, bit soon. However he has moved in within a few months in past relationships. He moved fast with others.

OP posts:
JustASmallTownCurl · 02/01/2020 11:03

"Glancing" at private letters and talking house moves? This sounds like red flag central from both of you to be honest.

I think it might rumble on for a while from the sound of it but good luck with the conversation.

I hope I'm wrong and you manage to just end it and move on Smile

Horehound · 02/01/2020 11:05

"my friend was messing about on bumble*.
No you told her to look for him.
This relationship will not work. It's clear to every single one of us. You are set in meeting him as if you think be will look at you and chase you.

Horehound · 02/01/2020 11:06

Get some self worth op. Him wanting a fuck doesn't mean he cares about you

Inanothertime · 02/01/2020 11:08

He said he had been hurt in the past and liked our dynamic. Couldn’t be 100 % committed as his teenager and work were priority. Pressed on this and he said seeing each other all the time and moulding lives, just wanted it to develop organically.

Did he really talk about your 'dynamic', moulding lives and organic relationships?
Enough bullshit there to deserve dumping AS

Inanothertime · 02/01/2020 11:09

AP

Brimful · 02/01/2020 11:11

However he has moved in within a few months in past relationships. He moved fast with others

He's a leech.

Original poster
Conflicted1212 · 02/01/2020 11:16

Yip he did talk about it. But we didn’t meet each other’s friends and he shh me when his kid phoned. Realised I am a secret. Not worth it

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 02/01/2020 11:21

Just say “happy new year; hope you had a great xmas. I’m afraid This isn’t working for me. I wish you all the best. Could you send on any stuff I’ve left at yours. Happy to pay the shipping”

Strongmummy · 02/01/2020 11:23

He’s probably got a few of you on the go; keeping his options open. He’s not worth it. This says nothing about you or your self worth. It just says he’s a c*nt

DippingToes · 02/01/2020 11:34

I take it he hasn't rung or texted you, which says it all. Please block him, OP. He's not interested in you as a person, just what you can offer him, financially and sexually. Did he even get you a Christmas present?

You're better than this. Time to move on! Good luck Thanks

NurseButtercup · 02/01/2020 11:45

I'm relieved the collective power of Mumsnet and a goodnight sleep has enabled you to let this man go Flowers

Crunchymum · 02/01/2020 11:46

I am guessing he either wont reply to your message (so he will ghost you) or he will reply and make it clear it's over.

He won't come and see you and he won't call / agree to talk over the phone.

draughtycatflap · 02/01/2020 12:05

”Also said he would come and power wash my patio.”

OP, Is this a MN euphemism like Centre Parks? If so, definitely get him to do that first.