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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to end this via text?

188 replies

Conflicted1212 · 01/01/2020 21:21

Been seeing a guy for nearly 5 months. He is really busy, childcare and we live 30 mins drive. I work long hours and active social life. We try to see each other 1/2 times a week, staying over. Our means of communication is via daily texts. Lately he has been difficult to pin down to meet and very delayed In answering texts, even when has been online.

Since mid December he has said he was busy, trying to finish work things (has 2 jobs) and Xmas events. We both had family down for a week over Xmas, so no time. Last time I saw him was 27th December.

We tried to make NYE plans and they didn’t work out as he wasn’t sure in childcare - it was his normal day - but wasn’t sure if his teenager has plans. So my friend asked if she could come and stay, which I said yes. He ended up making plans with his friends, even though we were 10 mins down the road. I invited him to pop round today as he was close. Read the text but no answer.

Also today as my friend was messing about on bumble, his profile appeared. We had a chat in October when he said His profile wasn’t active and he wanted to see what develops, but take it slow. He said he had been hurt in the past and liked our dynamic. Couldn’t be 100 % committed as his teenager and work were priority. Pressed on this and he said seeing each other all the time and moulding lives, just wanted it to develop organically. That’s fine, I am wanting to remain independent and maintain our lives. Taking it slow is fine.

However, I feel I am being slow faded. The activation of his bumble account and ignoring texts, not good signs. So I would rather end it, as he is obviously not mature to do this. Do I do it over text? Or face to face - I like to gauge reactions. It’s just when we will meet?

I am sad as I liked him, but rather leave respectfully than being cheated on or replaced. What do I do?

OP posts:
JustASmallTownCurl · 01/01/2020 22:08

Argh yours sounds bitter OP and although the bumble thing has upset you, your decision is made now so mentioning it isn't doing any good.

It opens up a potentially shitty conversation with a back and forth of well we didn't say we were exclusive etc.

You've decided now that it's over so bright and breezy text, you're letting him know what you've decided not asking his permission or demanding answers x

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 01/01/2020 22:08

No that’s a please don’t leave me text.

He’s clearly not into you. This happens to everyone from ogres to supermodels.

Head high, move on.

NumbersStation · 01/01/2020 22:08

With @Jarline and immediately block in case his bruised pride comes up to the surface.

Nice and dignified. Leave with your head held high. I’ll bet he has already fumbled on bumble.

Don’t let on you know.

All the best Smile

ChestnutSmoothie · 01/01/2020 22:09

Why do you want to even mention the Bumble thing? Makes you sound a bit stalkerish, to be honest.

Be honest. Do you want to end things or are you hoping if you pretend you do he’ll come running back? It sounds like the latter - which isn’t what your thread title indicates.

DefinatelyAWeeGobshite · 01/01/2020 22:09

Do not mention bumble.

Brimful · 01/01/2020 22:09

Keep it simple, OP. Don't say anything about Bumble, just end it. He's made it clear he's not interested, he's full of excuses and most likely dating other people - just send a short swift text.

It'll be a nice short sharp kick he deserves.

Garbosdinner · 01/01/2020 22:12

DO NOT SEND EITHER TEXT FFS.

Ghost him.

ferntwist · 01/01/2020 22:12

Definitely don’t mention Bumble, however much you (understandably!) want to. He’ll think you’ve been browsing again for yourself - or stalking his profile. The rest of the text is perfect. Good luck for a fresh start in 2020!

Lex234 · 01/01/2020 22:15

Don't mention Bumble. Send something ahort and to the point like

"Have enjoyed the last few months, but it seems to have run its course for both of us. Wish you all the best in the future"

Walk away with your head held.high.

JustASmallTownCurl · 01/01/2020 22:17

Ooh that one from @Lex234 is good.

Don't make it a big deal in your head OP. You've seen each other, it hasn't worked so youre just letting him know.

That's it Smile

Don't give it negative headspace by focusing on stuff like the bumble thing, even to yourself. It's done now and you can't change it, onwards and upwards.

littlepeaegg · 01/01/2020 22:19

Definitely do not mention Bumble.... sounds creepy.

VaggieMight · 01/01/2020 22:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

FatherRabulaConundrum · 01/01/2020 22:24

Do not mention Bumble. He's probably already wondering, guiltily, if he's been spotted on it - this way, when he gets the text from you he'll never know whether it was because you saw him or not.

cybergran · 01/01/2020 22:26

what does "develop organically" mean? I suspect its what I would call "hedging my bets".... keeping you on the back burner just in case nothing better comes up...

just ghost him… he doesn't seem to think he owes you anything, so return the gesture...

Techway · 01/01/2020 22:33

Send what Lex234 said.

I think you want him to come up with an excuse but you will never trust him so keep your standards high and just end it with dignity.

TeddybearBaby · 01/01/2020 22:34

It doesn’t feel like you want to end it. Sounds more like you are wanting something from him and struggling with the rejection.

His lack of communication / being on bumble is all the closure you need. Raise your standards and expect more 💐

MadeForThis · 01/01/2020 22:36

Keep it short and sweet.

I've had a great time over the last few months but I think we'd both agree that it's not working out.

Original poster
Conflicted1212 · 01/01/2020 22:56

Thanks guys. I must admit I don’t want it to end, but bumble profile hasn’t hurt me and it’s a massive trust issue. I wasn’t stalking him, my friend was over and we were having a look on her account for matches.

It just annoys me as why can’t he be truthful? When I saw him last he says he would get in touch with plans to meet. Also said he would come and power wash my patio. To be honest is it selfish to wait till he has done that? It’s the ignoring. Xmas was busy for both, but it’s calmed down. He was asking if my friend was still here and knew we had a day our planned. He dues have his teenager with him tonight.

I am making excuses but sad to see it end.

OP posts:
JustASmallTownCurl · 01/01/2020 23:03

I know it's shit my love but tough love time. You said:

Also said he would come and power wash my patio. To be honest is it selfish to wait till he has done that?

This is an excuse to put off doing it because you think if you see each other again it might be different...

You know it's over.

And step back a second - he told you he didn't want to rush things, he told you how busy he is, he hasn't responded on stuff like popping over when he was nearby but despite these things you've kept messaging him and planning to meet up. So he has been honest with you really, just not as into you as you'd like.

He hasn't been a wanker, he doesn't need to end it because the current arrangement suits him and as far as he knows it suits you.

You aren't compatible and it isn't a relationship that's good for you - draw a line under it. There's always a reason to put difficult things off Smile

Jupiters · 01/01/2020 23:04

Go with @Jarline text. It's to the point, says all that needs to be said and you get to be the one who draws a line under things.

Dieu · 01/01/2020 23:06

Hi. From the title, I fully expected to tell you that YABU. But having read your post, you are really not, and a text is absolutely fine under the circumstances. Bloody understandable too! Thanks

ConfCall · 01/01/2020 23:07

I think you’re being phased out. It makes sense, therefore, to take the initiative and end it. A short, polite text (don’t mention Bumble) is fine. He’ll probably be relieved, and you’ll have your dignity.

NoHummus · 01/01/2020 23:09

Ghost him. And power wash your own patio. Hmm

Dieu · 01/01/2020 23:09

I thought you meant texting as opposed to breaking up face-to-face. Text still fine though!

Cryingoverspilttea · 01/01/2020 23:11

He's on Bumble. To put it another way, he just isn't in to you. Take the hint. You wont always be everyone's cup of tea and he wasn't really yours if you weren't his in the end.