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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to end this via text?

188 replies

Conflicted1212 · 01/01/2020 21:21

Been seeing a guy for nearly 5 months. He is really busy, childcare and we live 30 mins drive. I work long hours and active social life. We try to see each other 1/2 times a week, staying over. Our means of communication is via daily texts. Lately he has been difficult to pin down to meet and very delayed In answering texts, even when has been online.

Since mid December he has said he was busy, trying to finish work things (has 2 jobs) and Xmas events. We both had family down for a week over Xmas, so no time. Last time I saw him was 27th December.

We tried to make NYE plans and they didn’t work out as he wasn’t sure in childcare - it was his normal day - but wasn’t sure if his teenager has plans. So my friend asked if she could come and stay, which I said yes. He ended up making plans with his friends, even though we were 10 mins down the road. I invited him to pop round today as he was close. Read the text but no answer.

Also today as my friend was messing about on bumble, his profile appeared. We had a chat in October when he said His profile wasn’t active and he wanted to see what develops, but take it slow. He said he had been hurt in the past and liked our dynamic. Couldn’t be 100 % committed as his teenager and work were priority. Pressed on this and he said seeing each other all the time and moulding lives, just wanted it to develop organically. That’s fine, I am wanting to remain independent and maintain our lives. Taking it slow is fine.

However, I feel I am being slow faded. The activation of his bumble account and ignoring texts, not good signs. So I would rather end it, as he is obviously not mature to do this. Do I do it over text? Or face to face - I like to gauge reactions. It’s just when we will meet?

I am sad as I liked him, but rather leave respectfully than being cheated on or replaced. What do I do?

OP posts:
strawberry2017 · 02/01/2020 07:58

Does Bumble show when they were last active? Do you have screen shots for proof for when he Denys it?
I'm sorry OP it's shitty to find out this way, he should have been honest from the start

georgialondon · 02/01/2020 08:02

Oh my god please don't mention Bumble!

He's clearly not bothered about you, either ghost him or tell I'm you're not into him. Leave him wondering. He deserves no better.

NurseButtercup · 02/01/2020 08:11

Also said he would come and power wash my patio.

Oh my days, please don't hold back on dumping him for this. I suggest that you put an advert on gumtree or www.nextdoor.co.uk for people that jetwash drives and patios.

Brimful · 02/01/2020 08:11

Not sure why you posted if you're not planning on breaking up with him or listening to any advice at all.

It's not a 'relationship' and you sound needy, with low self esteem to put up with this. I've been there! Work on yourself, and just ghost this guy.

And wash your own patio.

billy1966 · 02/01/2020 08:13

Do not send either of those texts OP.

He isn't pushed.

If you send a "it's just not working out, good luck" text, at least you know you have your dignity.

You can't change the fact he's just not interested.

Keep your dignity 💐

Member984815 · 02/01/2020 08:20

I would just not text again , wait and see when he texts . Then I would just delete his info . It's clear he's moved on and I'd hire a powerwasher and do my own drive it's great fun and very satisfying

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 02/01/2020 08:29

Good lord op, just stop piss arseing around with your emotions and block him. No need to text or anything.

Dontdisturbmenow · 02/01/2020 08:33

Sadly it sounds like he's decided that you are probably not the right person to build a more serious relationship at the moment but maybe still enjoys your company, so acting elusive what deciding what to do.

Just be grown up and say things as you feel it. There is no shame is just being honest. Just say that you like him and hoped to take things forward, but that you've gathered from his lack of engagement in the recent months that it is not reciprocated and that as such, there is no point in delaying going your separate ways.

Don't mention bumble, there is no point at this stage. If he gets back to you and act as if he doesn't know what you are talking about, mention it then and make it your last correspondance.

If he comes back being honest saying that you are right and he wanted to breach the subject but wanted to wait until after the festive season, then don't bother mentioning it at all, it won't make any difference.

I'm sorry it got to this, I've been there and it hurts, but don't give up, I met my OH online after a couple of similar experiences and we are now about to celebrate our 14 years together. Despite both believing we wanted to take things slowly and had done so previously unsuccessfully, as soon as we met, we knew we were right for each other and there was no taking slowly then. Friends were telling us we were rushing but we both knew we'd found the right person and didn't look back.

NearlyGranny · 02/01/2020 08:35

Agree that dignified ghosting is best. He'll probably be annoyed if challenged and flattered if chased, so do neither.

Just reactivate your profile and recommence the search. He's clearly not 'the one' and you don't owe him any explanation or headspace.

If he gets back in touch, be busy. If he challenges you about a live profile, tell him you saw his and assumed he'd changed his mind so proceeded accordingly!

nearlynermal · 02/01/2020 08:38

OP, we've all been here, and it's the hardest place, because you're up in the air with no closure, you're not ready to walk away, need closure but don't want to shut down the slim hope that it's salvageable. But the truth is that at this stage the only thing you have 100% control of is (as pp said) your dignity.

Actionhasmagic · 02/01/2020 08:39

He’s not into you - not your fault but him him ASAP

iano · 02/01/2020 08:51

there's a book called 'women who love too much'. I think you could do with reading it. No amount of you loving and understanding this man is going to change his feelings about you and behaviour towards you.
The man is actively looking for other partners. He doesn't want to be with you. You need to break it off and find someone who wants to be in a relationship with you. If you must mention bumble then send @GiveHerHellFromUs suggestion and block him.

Trafalger · 02/01/2020 08:52

Sorry but in all your texts you sound so needy and desperate and waiting on any crumbs he will throw you. Have some fucking self respect and just say "sorry this isn't working for me". All the other superfluous bollocks is you wanting to cling on to a non existent relationship. Block him and move on.

BercowsFestiveFlamingo · 02/01/2020 08:56

You've had some great advice OP. I hope you take it. It sucks I know.

Original poster
Conflicted1212 · 02/01/2020 09:07

Hello. Had a good sleep and chat to my friend. Got clarity now and realised we are incompatible. She was saying I have been unhappy for ages and my reaction after seeing him on the 27th after time apart was not the reaction if someone who is really into a person. Think I liked the partner and sec aspect.

So I have taken your advice. I have texted him this morning asking if he was free for an hour to chat in person or in the phone. Going to end it by saying we are not compatible and our unwillingness to bake room for each other un our lives proves this. I want to see him to get my stuff back. Then back in the prowl for online dating.

Realised a guy who makes me this insecure- and I am generally a very secure person - is not doing my mental health any good

OP posts:
Gooseysgirl · 02/01/2020 09:12

OP... it's hard but please take on board the sound advice you are getting on this thread! It's easier to give the advice than take it... I've been there!! Read 'He's just not that into you' - it's actually a great book and made me see sense many years ago. I cringe now when looking back at how desperate I probably appeared to blokes 🙈 Walk away from this with your head held high. Some great ideas for texts from other posters. Absolutely do not mention Bumble...

Straycatstrut · 02/01/2020 09:13

This kind of thing really puts me off dating (that and a million other things!). Especially with kids involved. It's not a nice way to live, all the paranoia and games, I'd rather be single.

I hope you break it off amicably. Maybe give the dating a break for a bit? Smile see what happens when you're out and about?

Downunderduchess · 02/01/2020 09:14

I wouldn’t bother texting or contacting him. You’ve had your answer from his recent behaviour. If he has time to have an OLD account he has time to be with/talk to you. Please don’t try to win him over, it’s demeaning to you. Get on with things, time will do the rest. Good luck.

Cuttingthegrass · 02/01/2020 09:22

Oh OP. I do think you should heed the advice given. Read He’s just not into you.

Sounds like you’re really hoping he’ll come running to you and pledge his committed love and adoration. But if he was into you he wouldn’t have wanted to ignore your texts and he would have been coming up with all ideas to meet you.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 02/01/2020 09:28

Going slightly against the grain here but I don’t think the Bumble thing should be your primary reason for ending it, at least not until you’ve asked him about it.

My fiancé got a message from a female friend of his, several months into our relationship, asking if he knew he was still appearing on Bumble (as she’d just seen him on there). Turned out he had deleted the app from his phone when he started seeing me but hadn’t realised his profile was still active.

That said, it sounds like you have many other reasons for wanting to end it, and your comment about him making you feel needy when you’re otherwise a secure person says it all really.

It’s pretty clear he’s not the right guy for you. I’m just cautioning against going into the chat all guns blazing with ‘I’m ending it because I saw you on Bumble’ because you might end up feeling a bit foolish. I wouldn’t mention that at all to be honest as you have far better reasons for ending it than that.

BercowsFestiveFlamingo · 02/01/2020 09:30

You don't need to speak to him. It's like you're hoping he'll reassure you that you're the one for him and that he's been a fool. Just end it. No good will come of prolonging this and you just come across as desperate with no self esteem.

JustASmallTownCurl · 02/01/2020 09:34

OP you're making this into so much bigger a thing than it is, you've built it up loads in your head and lost perspective.

You've been seeing someone for a few months and it hasn't worked out. He just isn't that into you and it feels shit but that's life.

You don't need to have a big talk and clear an hours schedule to discuss how you're incompatible. It's absolute overkill and an opportunity for you to be more upset because he isn't going to try and change your mind and may well say something that upsets you like the we never said we were exclusive thing.

I don't want to sound like a dick but it is a little odd to have made such a drama of it his situation. I think maybe it's an idea to have at least a short a break and rebuild your confidence and perspective before you jump back into dating anyone else.

Original poster
Conflicted1212 · 02/01/2020 09:46

Thanks guys. For my peace of mind I want to speak to him. I have been dumped via text and I didn’t like it. I need to do what he can’t. Think I have been thinking why doesn’t he want to be with me, rather than we are not compatible or why do I want to be with him. It’s more a game a which is not healthy. We are not a right fit for each other and he doesn’t fit into the values I want for a relationship. Will ignore the bumble thing and move on.

OP posts:
Starlink · 02/01/2020 09:48

I think he is leaving his options open in case he gets a better offer as men are wont to do.

FeigningHorror · 02/01/2020 09:53

I think you are deluding yourself about why you want to see him for a last time.