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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just want DH to make an effort to get to know people after 15 years in our village

211 replies

Sillysausageandeggs · 01/01/2020 20:09

We've lived in our town for 15 years. Over those years, the kids have made friends, I've made friends, and we are sometimes invited out as a family or couple to events. Despite not really having a great deal in common with people around here, I've continually made an effort to get to know the women/mums and over the years their partners have all gotten to know each other too. It seems like a lovely community feel... Until my DH gets in the mix. He just refuses to try to make conversation, he will go on his phone instead of talk to the other fathers or will make excuses to leave. It often seems to come off as rude, really. (Especially the phone thing) I feel like the outcasts. This isn't limited to the people in our town either. Over the years, he has done this everywhere we have lived and with every couple or group of people we've met. He is not painfully shy, either. Just odd! I feel like I am doomed to live out my days being the singleton at events/parties (which would be fine if I actually was single), being the one with the partner ignoring everyone, or living a life of isolation. This all became glaringly obvious at a NYE party at someone's house last night where he sat alone for most of the time, despite others efforts at trying to include him. Including me! Afterwards he just said "I just find most people boring". It's driving me mad. Unless someone shares one of his obsessive interests, he just won't speak to them. He has no friends nearby. AIBU to expect him to at least try to get to know people?

OP posts:
Brimful · 01/01/2020 20:12

That's just him, though, surely you can accept it's just how he is if this is always how he's been?

Original poster
Sillysausageandeggs · 01/01/2020 20:15

I have accepted it to a point... I mean, yes that's him. Maybe I'm dreaming of some kind of non existent life where we have joint couple friends and all go out together.... Or maybe I've been watching too many TV shows over the hols 😂

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 01/01/2020 20:16

YABU you can't force him to socialise. My husband doesn't have any local friends. He has colleagues and school/ university friends who are scattered around the country who we see periodically. He'll be civil and go to a local wedding/ christening/ child's event and will make small talk but wouldn't go to most social things in the village as he wouldn't have fun.

People are different and you can't force someone to be the same as you.

Coffeeisnecessary · 01/01/2020 20:16

I feel your pain. I imagined a life of meeting up with couple friends and having dinner parties etc. Just not going to happen, it's sad I agree but it's just him I suppose.

WitchfromSpitchwick · 01/01/2020 20:17

What are his interests? Does not care hes being so rude ?

HerRoyalNotness · 01/01/2020 20:19

No reason why he can’t try. I have a similar H but his is due to maybe social anxiety. We’d go for example to the neighbours for and he’d say 10 words, I’d have to carry him the whole time and I’m an introvert myself.

I’ve come to see over the years that he doesn’t have/make friends, he latched on to my friends, always has done. All he can talk about his work, so gets in well with colleagues but that friendship doesn’t leave the office. It’s frustrating but not sure what you can do about it. Just don’t let it drag you down

ladybee28 · 01/01/2020 20:19

YAB a bit U, but I think you know that already Smile

You're married to an introvert. Lots to love about introvert partners – AND sometimes it means you need to get a going-out friend to be your sidekick at parties instead of your partner.

HerRoyalNotness · 01/01/2020 20:21

We went to a friends for pre am as drinks (He’s met them a few times before, big crowd there, various types to talk to) he’d rather hang out with the kids than the adults, he’s 42 fgs, never grown uon

lottiegarbanzo · 01/01/2020 20:23

Not very helpful but I think you should have married someone else, if sociability matters to you.

He's being very, very rude though - that is not the same as being an introvrt at all. Accepting an invitation, then playing on his phone all night is a big slap in the face for his hosts.

Does he have friends / acquiantances who share his obsessive interests?

Original poster
Sillysausageandeggs · 01/01/2020 20:23

I know I can't force anyone to be something they're not. I don't want him to be best friends with anyone, I just want him to stop being so damn rude and make a polite effort. Interests are normal guy things, but to an obsessive degree.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/01/2020 20:23

You either need to accept him for who he is or leave him. So long as he doesn't try to prevent you from making friends and socialising, you need to let him be.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/01/2020 20:27

Does he understand he's being rude, even if he doesn't care?

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 01/01/2020 20:29

Obsessive interests and hates socialising? Is he autistic? I have Aspergers and find most parties an absolute chore to be honest. I hate trying to make small talk with people I don’t know. Like really loathe it.

ElloBrian · 01/01/2020 20:30

He is being rude. He shouldn’t go to these events unless he is prepared to socialise. Otherwise he should stay home.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/01/2020 20:32

Having a 'going out mate' or two or three, to be your 'date', albeit probably women friends, is a great suggestion though.

NurseButtercup · 01/01/2020 20:32

I just find most people boring

He's explained why he's behaving the way he is - he's not interested. I think you should try leaving him at home and attending these social events by yourself? I think you'll have a better time if you're not worrying about your husband being rude to people.

Original poster
Sillysausageandeggs · 01/01/2020 20:32

I don't think I knew how important socialising would be to me in my 40s when we met years ago. It's never been a huge issue, but now it seems that as our kids get older there are more dinner parties, etc. that we are sometimes invited to, sometimes not. It's like we don't fit in at the married people parties but I don't have any single friends my age. I know I'm being a tiny bit unreasonable. But FFS I moved really far from home for his job, made lots of effort to make friends, and yet he is telling me that people are boring. Therefore not even bothering to try himself. Grrr.

OP posts:
Drabarni · 01/01/2020 20:34

Well, he obviously doesn't want to. A lot of men and women don't like small talk with other parents they have nothing in common with.

YABU, you say you have nothing in common with them either, I don't blame your dh tbh, at least he isn't being false.

Bessica1970 · 01/01/2020 20:35

YABU stop ‘making’ him go to things he gets no enjoyment from. If you enjoy these things then go alone!

Swinesinsleepingbags · 01/01/2020 20:37

I get it, although I can't even get my dh to attend a party so being on a phone is a win for. I see everyone else being in a couple and it's just me as dh won't attend

callmemellowyellow · 01/01/2020 20:38

I agree you can't force him to change but there is a difference between being very quiet and being rude.

I wonder if his rudeness is a way of covering up his social anxiety / natural introversion.

In any case could you explain to him that there are some basic socialising rules that aren't negotiable. Could he learn to respond to someone's overtures politely and not shun interaction when actually in a social environment, even if that's not how he feels? Look up the concept of "bids" which is mainly applied to relationships but is a really good framework for explaining how to do basic polite socialising and developing friendships, basically how to keep positive interactions going.

Original poster
Sillysausageandeggs · 01/01/2020 20:40

@LeekMunchingSheepShagger I have definitely considered this before. His mum is exactly the same at social events. Fine at home, fine with people we know well (like old,old friends) but awful in larger situations.

OP posts:
MitziK · 01/01/2020 20:41

How would he know that not one person in fifteen years shares an interest with him? He's so busy being a conspicuously rude pig that there's no opportunity to find out.

He's not saying he's anxious, he's saying they aren't worth his attention - which is completely different.

BackforGood · 01/01/2020 20:41

I think YANBU.

Ridiculous comment about 'should have married someone else' Hmm

My dh is a bit like this - not on his phone, but more likely not to come with me to things. He wasn't when we were 'going out' oddly enough. It is something he has morphed into over almost 3 decades together. I do wish he were different, but I'm also pretty sure that there are things about me that aren't brilliant either - you look at the whole package, as it were.
I think there are some friendships / occasions I miss out on because of him being like that though - as you say, you don't fit in to 'single' category and somehow aren't a 'couple' for socialising occasions.It is odd.

ShawshanksRedemption · 01/01/2020 20:42

I have a similar DH, although he isn't rude, because he just doesn't come out in the first place. So we don't go out as a couple with others. We do have a couple of people we see together that he feels comfortable with, but it's once in a blue moon. I socialise with my friends occasionally and that's it. DH just isn't as sociable as me.

DH keeps saying that when he's older he wants to retire back to his home village 200 miles away. I've said no as I'll be isolated. I accept that we may therefore not stay together when older should we want different things, but I try not to think too far ahead.