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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just want DH to make an effort to get to know people after 15 years in our village

211 replies

Sillysausageandeggs · 01/01/2020 20:09

We've lived in our town for 15 years. Over those years, the kids have made friends, I've made friends, and we are sometimes invited out as a family or couple to events. Despite not really having a great deal in common with people around here, I've continually made an effort to get to know the women/mums and over the years their partners have all gotten to know each other too. It seems like a lovely community feel... Until my DH gets in the mix. He just refuses to try to make conversation, he will go on his phone instead of talk to the other fathers or will make excuses to leave. It often seems to come off as rude, really. (Especially the phone thing) I feel like the outcasts. This isn't limited to the people in our town either. Over the years, he has done this everywhere we have lived and with every couple or group of people we've met. He is not painfully shy, either. Just odd! I feel like I am doomed to live out my days being the singleton at events/parties (which would be fine if I actually was single), being the one with the partner ignoring everyone, or living a life of isolation. This all became glaringly obvious at a NYE party at someone's house last night where he sat alone for most of the time, despite others efforts at trying to include him. Including me! Afterwards he just said "I just find most people boring". It's driving me mad. Unless someone shares one of his obsessive interests, he just won't speak to them. He has no friends nearby. AIBU to expect him to at least try to get to know people?

OP posts:

FoamingAtTheUterus · 02/01/2020 01:30

My dp is the same........I keep telling him he'll have no one at his funeral but he doesn't care.

PanicAndRun · 02/01/2020 01:39

Why would he? He'd be dead.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/01/2020 02:14

"I just find most people boring".

That's an incredibly arrogant statement! He has no idea whether he'd find his neighbours boring unless he actually talks to them. They might be far more intelligent, accomplished, and interesting than he is. We all know people who we don't have much in common with, but most of us are still polite- I've seen a few of those neighbours over Christmas and we just said "hello"to each other and then moved onto chat with someone else.

Anyway, I'd either leave him at home or insist he doesn't stay on his phone the whole time at social gatherings. As someone who suffered from social anxiety (until I got treatment), I don't think that's the real cause - SA is usually a fear of other people finding YOU boring and ridiculous, not vice versa.

I'm sorry you have to put up with this, I don't think I could live with it long-term.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/01/2020 02:17

I also think it's good to get to know your neighbours as you never know when you might need their support or can offer yours.

Many people on our street help each other out, everything from giving lifts to checking on someone who had pneumonia over Christmas. It makes life a little easier for everyone.

WatchingTheMoon · 02/01/2020 03:18

@amicrazy

For some people, that sounds like hell. I don't want the people I live next to having that level of involvement in my life.

I have friends, but I don't need my neighbours being that involved.

Everyone is different.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/01/2020 03:42

@WatchingTheMoonI know what you mean but we don't live in each other's pockets or know each other's personal business. I might not see various neighbours for a couple of weeks but they know they can text if they need anything anything, and vice versa.

WatchingTheMoon · 02/01/2020 03:46

@amicrazy if it works for you, great. I don't want that, and that's fine too.

eaglejulesk · 02/01/2020 04:29

I hate all of this 'community spirit' nonsense.

Wow!! What a wonderful world it would be if everyone felt like this!

I don't think you are going to be able to change your DH, but he does sound very rude. As for him finding most people boring - I rather feel that most people would also find him boring. He doesn't have to be best friends with his fellow town dwellers, but he could make some sort of an effort.

1300cakes · 02/01/2020 04:36

Sorry YABU. He's always been this way so why would he change now. Socialising is just for enjoyment so if you don't enjoy it, why would you do it.

In the meantime I have to pretty much all the socialising for both of us.

Not really, just do the amount that you want with the people that you want to see.

It would be nice if our partners brought an amazing social life to the table but that's unrealistic. We each have to be responsible for making our own friends.

eaglejulesk · 02/01/2020 05:01

It's not actually just about socialising though. It's more about this:

I also think it's good to get to know your neighbours as you never know when you might need their support or can offer yours.

If ever you are faced with some sort of disaster you need to be able to rely on others in your community, and they on you.

WatchingTheMoon · 02/01/2020 05:49

"If ever you are faced with some sort of disaster you need to be able to rely on others in your community, and they on you."

And yet in 40 years of living, I've never had to rely on my neighbours for anything.

PhilCornwall1 · 02/01/2020 06:06

I can sort of understand him to a point, but I'd never be rude and be on my phone and consider them boring. I am happy to interact with people and then leave it at that.

My wife I would say is more sociable than me and she knows and understands that. "Couple friends" would do my head in to be honest. I know my immediate neighbours to say hello to and that's it. They don't have my phone number and I don't have theirs and to be honest, if they asked for it, they wouldn't get it.

I'll more than likely have bugger all people at my funeral too, but really I don't give a toss, I'll be dead.

camelfinger · 02/01/2020 06:14

My DH is similar although what’s frustrating with mine is that he will go to loads of effort to keep in touch with his old friends who live far away (many of whom have moved on and made their own new local friends) but doesn’t make an effort locally. I also find it really hard with new people but put up with small talk etc in case it develops into a friendship. I have come to realise that my DH has just latched onto one or two outgoing people over the years as it suits him rather than actively pursuing friendships himself. Occasionally I have asked him nicely in advance if he wouldn’t mind talking to people if I suspect he’s going to stand there looking sullen all evening. I think that men can get away with this behaviour more than women, as women have been socialised to have to make small talk even less f they find it difficult.

eaglejulesk · 02/01/2020 06:15

And yet in 40 years of living, I've never had to rely on my neighbours for anything.

So sorry to presume that there might be a disaster affecting you in your lifetime. I had never known a disaster in 40 years of living either, but have since then!

You carry on living in your little bubble, and I hope you never have to rely on your neighbours (and even more that they never have to rely on you).

ByeByeMissAmericanPie · 02/01/2020 06:15

There is a neighbour of mine who almost always attends local village events on her own. Her DH is quite deaf, and has no time for small talk (and is a complete bore IMHO) whereas she is absolutely delightful and is great to have around.

Snaleandthewhail · 02/01/2020 06:16

I met my DH at university when he was part of a friendship group.

However he put no effort in maintaining that friendship beyond university (any effort has been on my part). In his case he has a “why would anyone like me” mantra which, a few years into our relationship evolved into a “you are all I need”.

We talked. I said that I was not prepared to be “all he needed” as that put an enormous amount of pressure on me. As a result he started volunteering (yup, that community spirit thing) and whilst ot would still never dawn on him to set up a pub visit for fun with someone, he had a “role” which means there’s enough social exposure I get some breathing space. He still thinks no one would like him if he didn’t do x but it’s much easier.

It might be ok if no one goes to your funeral, but between now and then there’s an awful lot of other shit that developing a friendship or two helps with. (Getting to hospital in a crisis, emergency childcare, being widowed...)

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/01/2020 06:29

He sounds like me when I lived outside of London.

Dp said we could move after 6 months if I didn’t like it. But every time we came to move something would scupper the plan.

We were there 12 years. Didn’t have one single friend

I don’t drink, I didn’t have children and am not really the right religion for the Church.

Dp loved it. He was in the pub every night.

Do you go out and don’t drink ?

I used to try to make friends but if you are sitting there stone cold sober sometimes the supposed witty conversation does become a tad boring

Moved back to London and made lots of friends.

Lllot5 · 02/01/2020 06:33

He may not like socialising but to ignore people while he plays on his phone is just rude.

The notion that everyone else is boring is a bit off too. Maybe he’s the boring one.
Think you’re just going to have to go on your own to these events. But be prepared to be the one that does all the kid’s socialising too.

WatchingTheMoon · 02/01/2020 06:36

"You carry on living in your little bubble, and I hope you never have to rely on your neighbours (and even more that they never have to rely on you)."

It's not living in a bubble. It's having a different lifestyle/opinion to you. Not everyone wants to rely on people and that's fine. Your way is fine too. People are all different and live in ways that are comfortable to them. There's no need for you to go on the attack or get defensive when I didn't criticise your way of thinking in any way.

Mmer · 02/01/2020 06:38

Sounds like mine. I have been reading about Aspergers and wondering if he has it. He has obsessive interests, makes little/no eye contact, and has trouble socially.

fuzzymoon · 02/01/2020 06:41

You said in the last line that he will only talk to people who share his obsessive interests.

I think there is the reason.

It's the word obsessive that made me think there's more to this than social situations in the village.

Veterinari · 02/01/2020 06:42

To be honest he sounds arrogant rude and dismissive.
He finds everyone boring? He sits on his phone at social events and ignores/dismisses people who are trying to include him.
He sounds horribly rude!

You aren’t asking him to be the life and soul - simply to occasionally engage in normal neighbourly activities. He may we’ll be shy/introverted but that doesn’t mean he has to be rude. Yes he might find it dull but he should try it to support you, rather than turning up and sabotaging you by acting like an arsehole.

PhilCornwall1 · 02/01/2020 06:53

"You carry on living in your little bubble, and I hope you never have to rely on your neighbours (and even more that they never have to rely on you)."

Each to their own. And neither are wrong, people just live in different ways.

I don't want to rely on my neighbours and I certainly don't want them relying on me either. To me, a neighbour is there because they live in that property.

They have their own life to get on with, as do I. I don't want to be involved in their life other than a hello.

SonEtLumiere · 02/01/2020 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xmaself24 · 02/01/2020 07:11

I'm exactly the same as your husband. I hate social situations. They really really bore me. I really don't understand why people make small talk. It all feels false to me. He can't change who he is. Don't force him into these situations.

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