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AIBU?

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Original poster

Just want DH to make an effort to get to know people after 15 years in our village

211 replies

Sillysausageandeggs · 01/01/2020 20:09

We've lived in our town for 15 years. Over those years, the kids have made friends, I've made friends, and we are sometimes invited out as a family or couple to events. Despite not really having a great deal in common with people around here, I've continually made an effort to get to know the women/mums and over the years their partners have all gotten to know each other too. It seems like a lovely community feel... Until my DH gets in the mix. He just refuses to try to make conversation, he will go on his phone instead of talk to the other fathers or will make excuses to leave. It often seems to come off as rude, really. (Especially the phone thing) I feel like the outcasts. This isn't limited to the people in our town either. Over the years, he has done this everywhere we have lived and with every couple or group of people we've met. He is not painfully shy, either. Just odd! I feel like I am doomed to live out my days being the singleton at events/parties (which would be fine if I actually was single), being the one with the partner ignoring everyone, or living a life of isolation. This all became glaringly obvious at a NYE party at someone's house last night where he sat alone for most of the time, despite others efforts at trying to include him. Including me! Afterwards he just said "I just find most people boring". It's driving me mad. Unless someone shares one of his obsessive interests, he just won't speak to them. He has no friends nearby. AIBU to expect him to at least try to get to know people?

OP posts:
BeverleyGoldbergsJumpers · 02/01/2020 08:06

@PhilCornwall1 hardly ‘armchair diagnosis’ - someone with an autistic father and son saying that this behaviour (obsessive interests, inability to cope with large social situations) are classic traits - not to mention the two posters WITH ASD saying the same.

It’s worth mentioning because when my father was diagnosed (very late) it was like a lightbulb moment for the rest of the family. Explained so much and helped us to understand him more.

adaline · 02/01/2020 08:06

He has to accept that while he may be happy to live in splendid isolation, you are not and you need some support. Just as he relies on you entirely for companionship.

Where does it say he relies on her for companionship?

While I love my DH, I certainly don't rely on him for all my social needs. I spend time with my mum, my colleagues, my friends. I don't expect him to show the least bit of interest in my (limited) social life because they're my friends, not his.

Likewise if he wants to go to his mates and discuss whatever, he can do and it's nothing to do with me. We socialise as a couple but we wouldn't ever really go out as a couple with other people unless it was a family event. That's just not how our relationship works and we're quite happy with that.

Not everyone needs to be sociable.

MsTSwift · 02/01/2020 08:07

The ones I can’t stand are the men (always men) who are creepy smarmy to their own friends but blank and are rude to their wife’s friends or family. Awful and a very bad reflection on the relationship. And you can bet the wife is a charming hostess to the mans friends and family. A lovely school friend of mine married a twat like this. We went to stay with them (some effort we had to fly) and he blanked us all weekend and played computer games like an overgrown teenager. Felt for my friend and poor dh. Obviously never visited again.

Ceejly · 02/01/2020 08:08

All i would say is this OP. My DPs parents are not big ons socializing. Neither one has many friends and none nearby. They have had no jnterest in making any. They retired to live in peace and isolation.

But they are not happy. They both feel isolated. Their relationship is suffering because they have at once too much time together and too little direction. They both lack a sense of purpose. It's sad to see, especially as they are beginning to vocalize these problems. A network of friends is self-care and a support system.

Now, for the first time in their entire lives, they have to begin putting themselves out there in thr village they have lived in for over 40 years. It's so difficult for them because they are starting from scratch. I worry they will fail and will rrmain totally reliant on each other and their children for everymorr claustrophobic interaction and support. As the DIL in this situation I do not relish thay thought. They vent their life and relationship problems to their children because they have no one else and it places an undue burden on their children. It's not fair and they need to become more independent for everyone's sake.

I am a really extroverted person but sometimes I have to force myself to socialize because I know that when the chips are down, I'll be grateful I maintained friendships to support me. When I went through mental health problems last year, it meant I did not have to rely solely on DP for support. I could give him respite which meant a great deal to me.

adaline · 02/01/2020 08:08

One lady was like the “introverts” on here very rude and unfriendly blanked everyone rebuffed all overtures. It was only because a neighbor noticed her bins hadn’t been put out for a while and called the police when she didn’t answer the door that they found her body. One of the policemen threw up as she’d been there so long.

But she was dead - none of that impacted her in anyway, did it?

I mean, in the nicest way, not everyone cares about being sociable or about having friends or about part of a "community". Some of us are more than happy to just be on our own.

Ceejly · 02/01/2020 08:10

@adaline I may have gone a wee bit too farnin my inferences but I would be interested to see whether or not OPs DP has friends aside from her. If not, that's a lot of pressure for her.

adaline · 02/01/2020 08:11

They both feel isolated. Their relationship is suffering because they have at once too much time together and too little direction. They both lack a sense of purpose. It's sad to see, especially as they are beginning to vocalize these problems. A network of friends is self-care and a support system.

Not everyone needs that, though. Fair enough if your parents do, but lots of people are quite happy in their own company. I can happily spend all day in another room from DH and we both just get on with our own thing.

Or one of us can go out or away and do a hobby and the other is more than happy on their own. I have absolutely zero desire to integrate myself into the community whatsoever.

adaline · 02/01/2020 08:11

@ceejily but she might be putting that pressure on herself.

He might not feel as though he relies on her at all as he's more than happy to just be on his own.

SonEtLumiere · 02/01/2020 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

autumnboys · 02/01/2020 08:13

I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to ask him not to spend parties/evenings out messing around on his phone.

I am an introvert, who had an introvert parent and have one introvert child (and one with ASD), so I do get what other posters are saying, but really, the problem here is basic manners. He doesn’t have to hold forth to a whole room or sit staring attentively at whoever’s talking all night, but he does need to get off his phone. I can recommend finding the kitchen where people circulate in and out and you can talk to one person at a time if he needs a tactic. Also, if it’s the sort of party where washing up is happening, you can be useful and avoid eye contact at the same time. In the summer, hanging out in the garden ‘watching the kids’ means people will come out, check their own kids, talk to you and then wander off again.

MsTSwift · 02/01/2020 08:14

No one knew how long the poor soul lay there dying adaline! Could have been days! Jesus. It is not ok we all felt awful that had happened but the lady was very very prickly and unfriendly. Wouldn’t even say morning.

CripsSandwiches · 02/01/2020 08:14

He sounds like my grandad who probably has asd.

Ceejly · 02/01/2020 08:14

@adaline Yeah I recognise that but I think it's shirr-sighted. My PILs never thought they needed a network, until they suddenly did. Now they don't have the resources to easily get one. None of us know how our lives will pan out. In a way friendships are practical as well as emotional. They help us when we are at our most vulnerable. I sometimes think of them as a bit of an insurance policy. I don't need them now but one day I might.

WatchingTheMoon · 02/01/2020 08:16

@MsTSwift But it was her choice. It may not be yours, but she made the choice to be alone.

I don't know why extroverted people have such an issue with that.

adaline · 02/01/2020 08:16

@ceejily that's true, but it's a choice we all have the freedom to make, I guess is how I see it.

I do have friends, I'm just happy to go days/weeks without seeing them or speaking to them and I wouldn't make my DH play any part in my friendships with other people.

Oopsypoopsy2020 · 02/01/2020 08:18

Being an introvert isn’t a choice.

Insideimsprinting · 02/01/2020 08:19

We live in a cul de sac where the active retired keep an eye on the properly elderly. One lady was like the “introverts” on here very rude and unfriendly blanked everyone rebuffed all overtures. It was only because a neighbor noticed her bins hadn’t been put out for a while and called the police when she didn’t answer the door that they found her body. One of the policemen threw up as she’d been there so long.

Not being very social doesnt mean your not aware of your surroundings though, you may not know folk well if not at all that shouldnt mean that you cant see people getting on with their lives, their routines and when in fact something is out of sorts. It just means your not on talking terms. Massive difference between introverted and not being talkative to being so wrapped up in your life you cant see what is going on around you.

Im very introverted but often surprise by hubby etc with the thinks i notice going on around me despite not being very talkative!

MsTSwift · 02/01/2020 08:19

Saying morning and having minimal friendly interaction with neighbours doesn’t make you an “extrovert” for goodness sake

FriedasCarLoad · 02/01/2020 08:20

He's being rude and unreasonable. My husband has Aspergers. He makes the effort to talk to people rather than being stuck in his phone. And I limit how many social events we go to. Compromise!

Ceejly · 02/01/2020 08:20

@adaline yeah that's true, we all socialize and manage our friendships in different ways.

Tbh if it works with your DP then it's golden. The OPs problem seems to be that her DH doesn't seem.to value what is important to her. It sounds like she socializes without him already so unless she is a real butterfly these events can't be particularly frequent. They need to reach a compromise together that suits them. To me right now it seems like she is compromising and he is being rude and thinking turning up and creating a bad atmosphere is good enough.

Insideimsprinting · 02/01/2020 08:20

things not thinks!

SleepDeprivedElf · 02/01/2020 08:21

YANBU it's awful for him to be so rude. Most people can make an effort to pass themselves with s bit of polite conversation.

longwayoff · 02/01/2020 08:23

Leave him at home to brood alone.

WatchingTheMoon · 02/01/2020 08:25

@MsTSwift She didn't want to say hello to you. So what? Why is that such an issue for you?

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 02/01/2020 08:25

My husband is like this, but without the rudeness/attitude

When he comes out with me, he makes an effort and people say he is such fun and why does he never come out.... Hmm

But he only likes his brother and 3 oldest friends who all live far away, and he is happy to just spend time with me

I have learned to socialise on my own, "girls nights out", I also socialise through my hobby. DH can get a tiny bit jealous /insecure as there are lots if men doing this hobby, and we are all going to go on a trip together...ha! Grin

But we have a "deal" that I won't force him to socialise, but neither can he stop me. And about 2/3 times a year he will make the effort to come to a party with me

We met in our 20s when he has super sociable, but in his 40s he is not bothered. People change.... Sometimes I feel sad that we are so different now in this respect

I hope your DH can see he is being rude, it is better to go out less but then when he does go out to make a bloody effort!