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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Just want DH to make an effort to get to know people after 15 years in our village

211 replies

Sillysausageandeggs · 01/01/2020 20:09

We've lived in our town for 15 years. Over those years, the kids have made friends, I've made friends, and we are sometimes invited out as a family or couple to events. Despite not really having a great deal in common with people around here, I've continually made an effort to get to know the women/mums and over the years their partners have all gotten to know each other too. It seems like a lovely community feel... Until my DH gets in the mix. He just refuses to try to make conversation, he will go on his phone instead of talk to the other fathers or will make excuses to leave. It often seems to come off as rude, really. (Especially the phone thing) I feel like the outcasts. This isn't limited to the people in our town either. Over the years, he has done this everywhere we have lived and with every couple or group of people we've met. He is not painfully shy, either. Just odd! I feel like I am doomed to live out my days being the singleton at events/parties (which would be fine if I actually was single), being the one with the partner ignoring everyone, or living a life of isolation. This all became glaringly obvious at a NYE party at someone's house last night where he sat alone for most of the time, despite others efforts at trying to include him. Including me! Afterwards he just said "I just find most people boring". It's driving me mad. Unless someone shares one of his obsessive interests, he just won't speak to them. He has no friends nearby. AIBU to expect him to at least try to get to know people?

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 03/01/2020 09:41

What do you think of the idea of getting yourself some 'regular dates' from among your friends?

Sillysausageandeggs · 03/01/2020 09:48

@lottiegarbanzo - You mean by myself or with him ?

OP posts:
FeigningHorror · 03/01/2020 09:52

By yourself, I assume, as a regular person to socialise with if you don’t want to always attend things on your own?

lottiegarbanzo · 03/01/2020 10:14

Without him. Friends, probably women friends mostly, who share similar interests and will go to fun social things with you.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/01/2020 10:17

I know women who do this - people whose spouses are not necessarily completely unsociable but who are social on their own terms, in smaller groups etc - who are much more sociable, so go out with whichever friend will accompany them, for things that wouldn't interest the spouse.

I do this too, though think of it simply as 'seeing my freinds', rather than being instead of going with DP. I think the difference is that you want to go to 'coupley things', so you might benefit from a pseudo 'date' for that. Or just go by yourself.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 03/01/2020 10:20

Off the topic of the thread a bit - but what about the single and/or childless people in these villages who can't do the couple/family stuff. Are they just completely ignored?

Oliversmumsarmy · 03/01/2020 11:38

Off the topic of the thread a bit - but what about the single and/or childless people in these villages who can't do the couple/family stuff. Are they just completely ignored

Having lived in a similar setting unless they drink like a fish then yes. They are pretty much ignored.

What I found, probably because I don’t drink, is that you go to these things and it is the same things over and over.

The same conversations, the same discussions. The same personalities.

I can only assume that everyone is so blotto that they have forgotten what they talked about the last time they met.

After 15 years, I can sympathise with the dh. My Dp at least didn’t drag me along to these things.

He knew I would just be bored

I am actually an extrovert and once back in my preferred location which was not so alcohol dependant I made loads of friends. So nothing to do with me being the problem

Sillysausageandeggs · 03/01/2020 14:59

@lottiegarbanzo I do go out with my friends - all the time. A few are in the group I described. It's just that all their husbands/partners talk to each other when we do something all together. Which, admittedly, is rare. Probably because my partner doesn't make an effort.

OP posts:
Sillysausageandeggs · 03/01/2020 15:01

The bonus to all of this is that he really doesn't care if I go out whenever I want. I just have to rustle up some friends. It's not a teeny tiny village so we have options, and live near enough to a city that we can do things other than go to the pub.

OP posts:
Rubyupbeat · 03/01/2020 15:04

It's probable he's on the spectrum, not wanting to socialise, finding people boring unless they share one of his obsessive interests, really sounds like he is.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 03/01/2020 17:27

@Oliversmumsarmy sounds really grim. Glad I live in a big town where I don't even know my neighbours names!

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