Just want DH to make an effort to get to know people after 15 years in our village

[Sillysausageandeggs]

We've lived in our town for 15 years. Over those years, the kids have made friends, I've made friends, and we are sometimes invited out as a family or couple to events. Despite not really having a great deal in common with people around here, I've continually made an effort to get to know the women/mums and over the years their partners have all gotten to know each other too. It seems like a lovely community feel... Until my DH gets in the mix. He just refuses to try to make conversation, he will go on his phone instead of talk to the other fathers or will make excuses to leave. It often seems to come off as rude, really. (Especially the phone thing) I feel like the outcasts. This isn't limited to the people in our town either. Over the years, he has done this everywhere we have lived and with every couple or group of people we've met. He is not painfully shy, either. Just odd! I feel like I am doomed to live out my days being the singleton at events/parties (which would be fine if I actually was single), being the one with the partner ignoring everyone, or living a life of isolation. This all became glaringly obvious at a NYE party at someone's house last night where he sat alone for most of the time, despite others efforts at trying to include him. Including me! Afterwards he just said "I just find most people boring". It's driving me mad. Unless someone shares one of his obsessive interests, he just won't speak to them. He has no friends nearby. AIBU to expect him to at least try to get to know people?

@autumnboys - spot on, it is about finding tactics. My ds does the minding the kids one. All the parents think he’s great and he manages to escape from the socialising which he struggles with. The kitchen is a great idea too. The phone is rude. But genuinely OP’s dh may just think well he’s there and keeping out of the way so what’s the problem.

My son struggles with eye contact (common with ASD). He didn’t realise you don’t have to make eye contact (or black holes staring right into the heart of you as he describes it) all of the time to be making sufficient eye contact. He thought it was all or nothing. We’d had to explain the ‘tactic’ of making brief eye contact before talking but being able to look down or elsewhere etc. He’s an older teen but still needed this basic explaining to him.

Anyway, OP’s dh may not be autistic, it’s just worth considering!

@BeverleyGoldbergsJumpers I love your son’s discretion of eye contact - hopefully it makes others more understanding.

*description

TheHumans, same here. He was sociable when I met him in his 20's, isn't now.

But when I do force him, people find him funny and ask me why he doesn't come out more often!

Drives me wild.

OP,
I certainly feel for you.

He sounds rude, unpleasant and full of himself.

Why shouldn't he make an effort to go to some social events?

It's not all about him.

He also leaves the school events to you.

I would neither be happy not accepting of his behaviour.

You moved to accommodate his job.

I think perhaps he needs to hear some hard truths.

I have come across men like this, in fact at times my husband can be at meh at going to social events. We compremise. He goes to and makes an effort to engage and enjoy a certain amount of things.
This works for us.

Compremise is key.

If he refuses to compremise, and therefore care about your happiness, then I think you have a real problem.

Does he actually want to be married?
He sounds like to needs things spelt out clearly to him!

💐

Watching I don’t give two hoots but wouldn’t you find it a little concerning that a woman lay dead for over a week in the house next door?

Boring people find people boring.

Tbh I find a lot of people boring, but I’m aware my interests would bore them too.

hardly ‘armchair diagnosis’

If you've never met him, I'd say it is.

@MsTSwift But you clearly give plenty of hoots because you are talking about it. Of course elderly isolation is an issue. But some people choose to be that way.

@Actionhasmagic That's quite trite and meaningless,really. Not everyone enjoys small talk or even big talk. Some don't have the social skills to draw people out of themselves to talk about interesting things. It doesn't mean they are boring.

My XH was like this. He basically saw everyone beneath him and boring so stopped coming out with me.

He would make an effort with those he liked, but apart from that he couldn't be bothered.

In the end l stopped making the effort to with his friends.

Thankfully we have split now so neither of us has to endure the others friends

But I’m not saying he IS autistic, just he has autistic traits (which he does). Not a diagnosis just a suggestion which bears investigating. If you ask my mum, she’d say she wishes someone had made the suggestion to her about my Dad YEARS ago.

@Oopsypoopsy2020 thanks! Since his diagnosis he’s been more open to explaining how things are for him - it’s been an eye opener!

Being an introvert isn’t a choice
No but neither is it an excuse for bad manners or rudeness.

OP call him out on it. Tell him his rudeness is embarrassing and unacceptable, and express the impact it has on you.

As for people saying OP shouldn’t “force” him to attend these events, how on earth do you imagine he is forced? Does she put a gun to his head? If he’s arrogant enough to brand everyone “boring” I’m sure he has the confidence to turn down invitations!

Bad manners and rudeness is subjective though isn’t it?

MsTSwift
You all kept an eye on elderly residents, so she would nut speak, surely you all got to know her comings and goings though? I'm familiar with my neighbours even though we don't speak. A knock of the door or peep in the window as soon as would suffice.

She may not want to talk but if you think something is wrong you still check ASAP. Even if your wrong and she'd been off with you your conscious would be clear.

It was an unsettling episode happened quite recently obviously not as cool as you are watching but to us it was quite an upsetting and thankfully rare event so yes is on my mind reading this thread. It happened because this lady was the extreme end of the road the ops dh seems to be on.

@MsTSwift If your neighbourhood is so caring, why didn't you check on her regardless of her apparent grumpiness?

There was a case here recently (not UK) where a famous actor was dead for a week before she was found. Plenty of friends, family, colleagues and fans around her, but it still happened.

It can happen to anyone who lives alone.

It didnt happen because she was not sociable, it happened because she lived alone, was elderly and died. She could nave been alone and more sociable but still lay there all night and the best part of the next day until you all missed your usual chats with her. Point is social or not this happens with the elderly who live alone.

My DH is another one who can be the life and soul, but has very limited capacity for it. It's ok with our long-standing friends, they are tongue in cheek about it, always make plans with him having had enough by 10:30 in mind. We went to get together with a few families with small kids yesterday, he found a toddler to push a car to for 15 minutes, and spent some time teaching the older kids a skill game. The adults then made conversation with him. We left at a reasonable time, before anyone had s meltdown. The events we struggle with are my extended family parties, because everyone drives so far, they go on for a lot longer. However he comes to them because it is important to me. I also do stuff that is important to him. The 'compromise' I make is to leave at an agreed time, he is now to terms with the fact that leaving is a 15 minute process at the very busy events. Communication is key, as is compromise. He doesn't attend every family 'do' and I don't leave him to get cornered by people that disagree with the politics of his job.

My DP is very shy and introverted-to the point where I think he might have Aspergers. He is exactly as others have described here-obsessively interested in things, but unable to form lasting friendships, because they rely on casual interactions at first and it's that but he can't do. Great at work all day (and he has made a friend from work who he sees occasionally out of work now).

I'm more extroverted and have friends and like going out.
It can feel like a chore sometimes if he is with me because I do have to carry him socially a bit.
And it is a lot of pressure when someone is hyper focussed on you. I used to feel almost guilty that I was going out and he was staying in-until I realised that that's actually what he prefers to do.

The way we make it work is that I don't make him come with me to social things with friends. And I give him plenty of warning if we are having friends over and a specific role like doing the BBQ or whatever, so he has something to occupy him and doesn't feel awkward.

It does feel a bit sad at times going to things on my own. But equally the good part of it is that he cares about me and will do anything to see me happy at home.

So I have to see it as the best of both worlds really-I get to go out and be social then come home and be looked after a bit!

It is fine for him to be an introvert. I am one too. It is also fine for him not to want to attend lots of social events or gatherings. I hate most of the ones OP mentioned and will ignore them or get out of them if I possibly can. I always went to the bare minimum of such school events when my children were of primary school age.

Where I would take issue with her DH is that if you have actually agreed to go to an event then you really shouldn't just be on your phone all the time and ignoring people if they do try to include you in conversation. You have to make some effort then, even if it is hard, and I agree that it can be. That is where I think he is rude, although I understand why he is doing it if he finds it is a coping strategy.

Oh, and to me being at home with dogs and books would be blissful.

Boring people find people boring.

Since when?

Yes, if he does come out to a social event he should put the phone away. However, it's sad to see the usual stereotypes and insults on here. Introverts in general don't think they're superior - that's an assumption made about them by some extroverts.

Small talk can be mystifying to some introverts, or excruciating and embarrassing if you have social anxiety. If chatting appears easy and natural to others, when you feel like you're not interesting enough or have nothing to say, it can feel as if everyone else is on a planet you can never genuinely join (even if you manage to fake confidence for a few minutes).

It is rude to just ignore everyone there, he might not like people, that’s fair enough, but he shouldn’t be coming across as rude!