Just want DH to make an effort to get to know people after 15 years in our village

[Sillysausageandeggs]

We've lived in our town for 15 years. Over those years, the kids have made friends, I've made friends, and we are sometimes invited out as a family or couple to events. Despite not really having a great deal in common with people around here, I've continually made an effort to get to know the women/mums and over the years their partners have all gotten to know each other too. It seems like a lovely community feel... Until my DH gets in the mix. He just refuses to try to make conversation, he will go on his phone instead of talk to the other fathers or will make excuses to leave. It often seems to come off as rude, really. (Especially the phone thing) I feel like the outcasts. This isn't limited to the people in our town either. Over the years, he has done this everywhere we have lived and with every couple or group of people we've met. He is not painfully shy, either. Just odd! I feel like I am doomed to live out my days being the singleton at events/parties (which would be fine if I actually was single), being the one with the partner ignoring everyone, or living a life of isolation. This all became glaringly obvious at a NYE party at someone's house last night where he sat alone for most of the time, despite others efforts at trying to include him. Including me! Afterwards he just said "I just find most people boring". It's driving me mad. Unless someone shares one of his obsessive interests, he just won't speak to them. He has no friends nearby. AIBU to expect him to at least try to get to know people?

@PhilCornwall1 be careful. My village is rural. It's classed as a dry village, we have no pub or shop or other amenities, hence why I chose it.

My DH hates small talk and gatherings with people he doesn't know etc. And that's fine. Why would I force him to do something that makes him uncomfortable when there's no real reason to?

Also I have zero interest in befriending neighbours. If that means I lie dead in my house for a few weeks, then fine. It'll be worth it for not having to make excruciating false conversation with people I have nothing in common with except sharing a postcode!

The real problem is that you seem to have very different attitudes to what you want your social life to be.

@SonEtLumiere I know what the point is and it's not what you say.

Also, it won't be a village we go to either.

YANBU OP. My DH is like this. He's not exactly shy, just makes zero effort with conversation. I thought his social oddities were strangely endearing when we met, but not so much 15 years later. As a PP said, 'couple friends' are my idea of hell, but most of my friends are married now and like to bring their partners along to meals and parties, like normal, adult human beings. I feel downright embarrassed to be the only 'single' one at events when I'm actually married with children! I'm an introvert too, but can fake it when necessary. He just doesn't even try. I feel your pain.

I'm autistic, and it sounds like autism to me.

Why would someone after 15 years of listening to the same conversations and making a perfectly valid point that they don’t want to be somewhere as they find it boring mean a diagnosis of autism

That would drive me up the wall, but tbh I wouldn’t have married someone so unsociable, as socialising is very important to me. Not that that helps you now. Just crack on without him, I guess and leave the miserable sod at home.

@SonEtLumiere PhilCornwall1 stated that it was his wife's idea and that he agreed with her
@Ravensoaponarope I highly doubt your diagnosis is correct. Just because someone isn't bouncing for conversation it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with them.

Why are “couple friends” so sneered at and deemed hellish?! Weird. We moved to a new city didn’t know anyone really I met some really nice women at a playgroup we had some family meet ups the men were nice too we all socialise together what’s hellish about that?! I enjoy going out with dh and others and it’s brilliant to be able to do so on foot locally rather than driving round the country attempting to keep old university friendships

A lot of things that are normal in many people's lives, get sneered at on MN MsTSwift

Been at work all day and finally have some time to reply again. So, to clarify: he has a handful of close friends and makes a ridiculous amount of effort to arrange to see them once a year on a lads trip. So he is capable of holding down a friendship. These are his best friends from uni days, and I honestly have no idea what makes them more interesting than new people. It's also not about getting to know the neighbours. I've tried introducing him to friends I've met over the years from all sorts of situations, and no luck. Again, "they're not interesting".

His mother is probably his best friend round here and she is just as anti-social. I honestly do think that they

Posted before I finished. I think they are ASD - for many reasons I can't list here,the thread would be a mile long.

My fear is that,as time goes on,we will eventually grow apart as I continue to make friends and enjoy time with others and he slowly turns into a very, very introverted soul who.wpuld prefer not to.leave the house!

@namechangetheworld you sound exactly like me.

There’s not a chance in hell you’ll change him. His introversion sounds ok, but his rudeness and laziness doesn’t e.g. being in his home, not tending school events.
You just need to decide whether or not you want to stay with him. I think, in your situation, I’d be off.

I sound a little like the OPs DH. I don’t like gatherings and do socialise much at the ones my wife drags me to. I will say however I used to have a small group of friends who I socialised with. My wife didn’t like them though and so I stopped seeing them. I had a friend from Uni who ended up working at the same place as me. We hadn’t seen each other in years because we had a falling out at Uni. Anyway when she started working at the same place as me she made an effort to become friends again. She also became friends with my wife. Then they had a falling out and now my former friend blanks me when she see me. I have rambled on a bit here. To wrap up I’m a miserable git at social gatherings and don’t find them fun but I’m perfectly happy being a miserable git

On his phone, not ‘in his home.’

I meant “don’t socialise much” not do

Being an introvert isn’t a choice.

No but it doesn't prevent you from making an effort to develop a few social skills.

I would honestly say I am more introverted than extrovert. When I was younger I was definitely shy and a bit socially awkward. Even now I would much rather have a quiet night in than go to a party. When I first met DH he was more socially confident than me and I think I used to rely on him to take the lead in social gatherings.

These days I would say the opposite is probably true. I certainly haven't turned in to some super sociable person. Rather I have just learned over the years that it is not that hard to engage people in conversation, you just have to take an interest in them. When you do you usually find everyone has something interesting about them.

I will never be a party animal but I can hold my own in a social situation and I think that is a useful skill.

The OP's DH sounds like a rude and arrogant individual (most people are boring!) and you have to wonder at which point he decided it was OK to stop making an effort. Also I would worry about the example he is setting the DC.

If he has ASD then you need to accept that parties aren’t going to be for him. My dad has ASD, he loathes parties. He will go with my mum under duress. Basically she finds him a table in a corner and a pint and he will talk to one or two people and then my mum goes off and socialises. You may need to explain to your dh how rude being on his phone looks. In his mind he probably thinks he’s not bothering anyone and he’s out of the way. He may genuinely not realise that the implication is that everyone is so boring that he can’t even be bothered to pretend to be interested. The reality is he is most likely in a heightened state of anxiety by all the noise and people at a party but if you set him up in a quiet corner and then people come over and say hello then he might be able to manage a quick chat. And he needs to put his phone away - you might really need to spell out how things look and what he needs to do,

Your dh is probably not conditioned into prioritising socialising if his mum has ASD too. I think a lot of men who are at work full time don’t have many newer friends. My dh (who is very sociable and will talk to anyone) has friends from school and Uni, a few work friends and our couple friends. I can’t think of a time he’s made a new friend otherwise. He simply doesn’t have the time or opportunity.

I think the only chance you have of him making a new friend is in a much, much smaller setting where he is more comfortable. I know you’ve said you’ve tried introducing him to your friends over the years with no luck but maybe your friends don’t have the same interests as him?! I feel for you, I really do. My mum has just made friends over the years that she goes out with on her own. It’s only recently that they have made some couple friends. It’s lovely to see, it’s only taken 50 yrs... (take heart, they did have other couple friends in the past, one lot moved away, one has always live the other end of the country but they do visit them occasionally).

I sort of get that about finding new people boring. I've got good friends from uni and good friends from baby groups but I've never made meaningful friendships from getting "out there" and meeting people. I think I need to have some sort of meaningful experience to bond otherwise we don't go beyond the acquaintance stage.

Still doesn't excuse turning up and being rude though.

He’s rude. He’s thoughtless and arrogant. What does he think he has going for him that makes him so much more interesting than everyone else?
He’s also consciously leaving you isolated and that’s harder as you get older. Most village activities are couples based, in my experience. We have women’s groups like book clubs and flower rota but meals, drinks parties etc are aimed at couples. Where women come alone it’s because they are widowed or husband is away. A husband refusing to join in basic courtesy of conversation would be seen as behaving very shabbily. Luckily we don’t have mobile reception, so nobody is on their phone.
Have you had a conversation with him about the impact on you and how embarrassing it is for you?

Conversations have been had, he claims to not need anyone and is happy to be the way he is. He is a very, very stubborn person so he might try to make an effort for my sake - ie putting the phone away - but he's not going to change his personality. And yes I do think much smaller settings would be better. Though I've kind of run out of people for him to attempt to get to know at this point.

I probably need to change my own attitude and just accept things. Otherwise I will end up resenting him more and more. He's a good guy, treats his family well, and prefers to be home with us than out with friends. Saves me dealing with someone who is at the pub every weekend while I stay home with the kids 👍