Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just want DH to make an effort to get to know people after 15 years in our village

211 replies

Sillysausageandeggs · 01/01/2020 20:09

We've lived in our town for 15 years. Over those years, the kids have made friends, I've made friends, and we are sometimes invited out as a family or couple to events. Despite not really having a great deal in common with people around here, I've continually made an effort to get to know the women/mums and over the years their partners have all gotten to know each other too. It seems like a lovely community feel... Until my DH gets in the mix. He just refuses to try to make conversation, he will go on his phone instead of talk to the other fathers or will make excuses to leave. It often seems to come off as rude, really. (Especially the phone thing) I feel like the outcasts. This isn't limited to the people in our town either. Over the years, he has done this everywhere we have lived and with every couple or group of people we've met. He is not painfully shy, either. Just odd! I feel like I am doomed to live out my days being the singleton at events/parties (which would be fine if I actually was single), being the one with the partner ignoring everyone, or living a life of isolation. This all became glaringly obvious at a NYE party at someone's house last night where he sat alone for most of the time, despite others efforts at trying to include him. Including me! Afterwards he just said "I just find most people boring". It's driving me mad. Unless someone shares one of his obsessive interests, he just won't speak to them. He has no friends nearby. AIBU to expect him to at least try to get to know people?

OP posts:
PanicAndRun · 01/01/2020 20:43

I'm fine at work, I'm fine with my own friends and in various other situations. With OH friends I'll make some small talk but for years I just went with the kids, or on my phone. I'd probably have more in common with them now, but even OH doesn't really bother with them anymore.

OH never socialises with my friends(I think he went once or twice) so I'm winning.

museumum · 01/01/2020 20:43

I sympathise. Dh has old school friends in our area and refused to make the slightest bit of effort with people we met through having babies. Until his old friends made new friends through their kids then he suddenly seemed to get it. It’s not that you need to be besties with other parents but it’s good to at least enjoy some light chit chat with adults whose kids are playing with yours regularly when they’re very young and need accompanying.

Original poster
Sillysausageandeggs · 01/01/2020 20:43

@Drabarni I didn't have a lot in common at first. But once I gave it a chance I found commonalities and over time these developed into friendships.

OP posts:
ShawshanksRedemption · 01/01/2020 20:46

Sorry I've just moaned on about me there. No advice other than if your DH feels uncomfortable socialising then there's not much to be done. Have you told him how you feel over his not making an effort? Is it just lack of effort or he finds these events just too hard and is anxious?

olivertwistwantsmore · 01/01/2020 20:59

But FFS I moved really far from home for his job, made lots of effort to make friends, and yet he is telling me that people are boring. Therefore not even bothering to try himself. Grrr.

Not surprised you’re annoyed! He sounds frustrating.

Does he make an effort in other areas?? Or is he happy for you to make all the effort generally?

From what you’ve said, he sounds selfish and rude. And pretty boring himself...

Doesn’t sound socially anxious or introverted. Surely if he cared about you he’d make an effort to make new friends or at least be civil so you can have a joint social life?

Thenamedame · 01/01/2020 21:06

" I've continually made an effort to get to know the women/mums and over the years" did he ask or expect you to? If not, you're choosing to be sociable is your choice and you making choices for yourself does not in any way mean he must do the same. You have said you knew he was this way from the beginning so yes you are being completely unreasonable. I'm a complete introvert that's on the spectrum and all the fun social things you describe sound like my idea of hell. I have zero interest in getting to know anyone in our village. I mind my business and keep myself to myself and honestly, nothing makes me happier. We are all just different. You and hubby are different. Let him be

Fatted · 01/01/2020 21:07

YABU. He doesn't want to socialise, why do you force him to go? Just go on your own and enjoy yourself by yourself. I don't expect my DH to be friends with my social circle and he doesn't expect me to be friends with his either.

I hate all of this 'community spirit' nonsense.

Thenamedame · 01/01/2020 21:08

"I hate all of this 'community spirit' nonsense"

Its enough to make you want to barf isn't it 🤢

user1493494961 · 01/01/2020 21:09

I think he sounds very rude, I'm not keen on social gatherings but always make an effort. I'm surprised you still get invites, at some point surely people will give up on you. Make your own social life without him, it won't be couples dinner parties but there must be clubs and organisations you can join. I agree with pp, he sounds boring, and I would tell him so.

Mlou32 · 01/01/2020 21:15

Maybe he just doesn't want to make friends? How would you feel if he tried to force you to stop socialising with people? You wouldn't like it, would you? So stop forcing him to socialise with people. Accept one another the way you are.

BeUpStanding · 01/01/2020 21:16

YANBU and I can't believe how many people are saying YABU!! It's fine if he doesn't like socialising but there's a bare minimum of social interaction required to be part of society / a community. He's being incredibly rude. The least he can do is make a small amount of effort for your sake, which he might not enjoy but I bet you'd be so appreciative you'd more than make it up to him. He's being really selfish

Original poster
Sillysausageandeggs · 01/01/2020 21:23

Very opposing views on here. Interesting to hear I'm not alone. Equally it is interesting to hear the other side.

I suppose for me the "community spirit nonsense" is pretty important considering we only have one relative nearby. It's nice to build friendships and connect with people. I've seen one friend in the group lose her mum and her friends rallied around to support her despite having no other family nearby. Would suck to be completely isolated, imo. Old friends living far away can only provide so much support.

Maybe he is on the spectrum and maybe I need to understand this more. Who knows.

OP posts:
BlaueLagune · 01/01/2020 21:38

Your DH sounds like my father. My mum just used to go everywhere on her own (and yes, they did split up eventually but I think that was more for other reasons, not just because he was anti-social).

My father did not have social anxiety, he was anti-social and thought everyone was boring.

If he's ok as a partner in other ways just get on with having a social life without him.

BlaueLagune · 01/01/2020 21:41

there's a bare minimum of social interaction required to be part of society / a community

so speaks the extrovert. It's back to this "you MUST be sociable because otherwise it's rude". Have you ever thought that it is rude to expect validation/engagement from people who are not interested?

I think if you go to an event you should make an effort to be nice (and not to embarrass your partner), but if you can't do that, then don't go at all. But it's not unreasonable not to go.

Anjelika · 01/01/2020 22:00

My DH is incredibly shy and awkward in most social situations. I find it a PITA TBH and incredibly frustrating. We don't socialise with any other couples/groups apart from his sister and her DH and an old friend of mine and her DH - and neither are nearby. I just go out on my own with friends. Our work Xmas do was for staff and partners. Never in a million years would I take DH as I'd have to spend the evening looking out for him and hoping he'd found someone to talk to. Mine isn't particularly rude as it's down to shyness/lack of confidence but he doesn't half come across as rude sometimes. I feel your pain OP.

Original poster
Sillysausageandeggs · 01/01/2020 23:01

I'm just relieved to find I'm not alone in feeling so frustrated! Think my DH's idea of how we will spend our later years is that we will live in complete isolation from all other humans and just hang out with books and dogs. In the meantime I have to pretty much all the socialising for both of us. It's not just parties/events, it's kids sports, school events, work events, anywhere that 2 parents/partners might normally be present. 😖

OP posts:
Panpastels · 01/01/2020 23:26

we will live in complete isolation from all other humans and just hang out with books and dogs

That sounds like my idea of bliss Grin

Original poster
Sillysausageandeggs · 01/01/2020 23:31

@Panpastels ha ha! Maybe when I'm older I will feel the same. 😂

OP posts:
Soffy · 01/01/2020 23:40

Yanbu and I understand why it's frustrating. Any long term relationship is about give and take and that's not what he's doing. It's also rather controlling of him in a way. That said , it could also be social anxiety. My brother has this and he comes across as very rude. But if it is that then he should seek help.

MsTSwift · 01/01/2020 23:53

Yanbu I would feel as you do. It’s nice for kids to be in a community. I would feel resentful in your shoes too.

WatchingTheMoon · 01/01/2020 23:57

You know what he's like so just let him be. Not everyone is social.

The thought of having "couple friends" sends a chill down my spine.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 02/01/2020 00:06

DH and 2 introvert DDs here. I don’t ask them to attend things too often but when I do, occasionally, I am clear that it’s a bit of a favour to me (because families do each other favours and I certainly do a lot for all of them). I don’t ask them to enjoy it or to find it interesting. I ask the, to be gracious and polite and PRETEND to enjoy it. Because we all have to do things we don’t want to sometimes. It’s a skill to be practiced.
Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t tbh but it helps them understand my extrovert needs and see that give and take makes the world go round.

Yeahnah2020 · 02/01/2020 00:15

So what made you marry him????? He sounds terrible

tillytrotter1 · 02/01/2020 00:17

I'm your husband as it were, OH is far more embedded in village life than I am, it's just the way it is.
I imagine that with children women who are doing the school run etc have more opportunities to meet people, if he works away from where you live then he doesn't.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 02/01/2020 00:34

If you want him to stop being on his phone at these events. Stop making him go.