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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not being 'controlling' and that he shouldn't have gone and got pissed last night?

230 replies

GreenyHedges · 01/01/2020 16:53

Background is 'D'H and I have 2 kids, DS who is 6 and DD who is 4. DH still likes to go out with his mates and wanted to go out NYE. I have a job where I have to work New Year's Day, so I said ok but can you please watch how much you're drinking, I'm not saying you can't drink but you need to be able to look after the kids while I'm at work. He said fine and got in the taxi.

Well next thing I know it's 3:30 am and I'm awoken by the sound of him vomitingEnvy (not envy!) and staggering all over the place knocking into everything.
I told him I wasn't pleased and I'd asked him not to do this. And that he would still be looking after the kids regardless so to expect to be woken up at 7:00 by DD.

I left for work just before 6 as I was on a morning shift, he'd left the place in a tip, hadn't cleaned the bathroom from when he was throwing up. When I got home around 2, he was upstairs lying on the bed, obviously hungover, and the kids were downstairs watching TV. When I asked them what they'd done they said they'd been watching TV all day and that DH had given them crisps for breakfastConfused and cereal for lunch.

When I tried to talk to DH he said I was being controlling and he's allowed to go out and have a good time if he wants.

OP posts:
ActualHornist · 01/01/2020 19:51

There’s a marked difference between falling ill and a self-inflicted state, especially when he had already agreed with the OP to not get himself in a state

@JacquesHammer Yes I know. But if the end result is someone in bed and giving the kids crisps instead of whatever else then it doesn’t really matter how they got there - plenty of posts on here from mums being told they can’t ask their husband to stay at home because they’re unwell and a tv day won’t kill the kids.

I don’t think his behaviour is acceptable. Just pointing out that the situation would be similar if a parent had a legitimate illness which to be far has not come from OP but other posters.

cuparfull · 01/01/2020 19:53

Wow Actualhornist...There's a great deal of difference between being unwell and voluntarily incapacitated or "out of it" with high alcohol levels.
If you have flu you can at least take paracetamol, wrap up warmly and lie on the sofa local to the children. Get out all the goodies and watch them and the TV.

ludog · 01/01/2020 19:59

The fact that the OP felt the need to ask her h for reassurance that he would be OK to mind the kids would suggest to me that this isn't the first time this has happened. Having been the sober parent with an alcoholic husband I know how utterly shit it is not ever being able to rely on the other parent. Yadnbu or controlling.

maddy68 · 01/01/2020 20:00

Yes I would be pissed off but I know my own kids have been known to have crisps when I've been hungover when I've been unwell as long as it's not a regular event it's no biggy

JacquesHammer · 01/01/2020 20:00

But if the end result is someone in bed and giving the kids crisps instead of whatever else then it doesn’t really matter how they got there - plenty of posts on here from mums being told they can’t ask their husband to stay at home because they’re unwell and a tv day won’t kill the kids

I think it does matter. If you do that to yourself and kids deliberately you’re pretty unimpressive as a person. And yes, the end result is the same but the lack of thought is a fairly damning indictment of the way OP’s husband thinks of the family unit.

thepeopleversuswork · 01/01/2020 20:05

Sorry this is inexcusable. Yes everyone is allowed a blowout once in a while but leaving two young kids unsupervised and failing to clean up your own vomit is beyond the pale. Even on NYE.

YappityYapYap · 01/01/2020 20:10

Controlling? It's called being sensible OP. You had no issues with him going out but he just had to take the piss which meant the kids had a shit day. Why couldn't he go out and bring in bells on a few drinks then come home for about 1 and be fit and able for the kids? I guess if you knew the answer to that, you wouldn't be asking but you know what I mean

Cohle · 01/01/2020 20:14

There's a huge difference between getting by in a emergency and choosing to be unable to look after your kids properly.

Shesalittlemadam · 01/01/2020 20:31

I can't answer the poll as what I think YABU for us leaving your kids with your still-drunk husband at 6am. Op he was staggering around at 3:30. There's no way he'd have been sober by then or even by 8am.
TOTALLY his fault of course. 100%. However as a mother I couldn't have left for work knowing my kids were essentially unsupervised which they pretty much were. I mean, he's not going to be much use in a fire whilst wasted\fast asleep is he?

I do r know how old your kids are but unless one is around 12\13 at least then I'm afraid I'd consider that neglect

SarahTancredi · 01/01/2020 20:41

shes
And that could have cost op her job. No one would believe someone was actually sick on nyd. That could have lead to a disciplinary or even dismissal.

And all that would have achieved is not making the.rent/mortgage payment and the husband thinking hes gonna be bailed out every time.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 01/01/2020 20:45

@Shesalittlemadam and I thought asking if the 6 year could make a sandwich was the most idiotic comment on here!

SinkGirl · 01/01/2020 20:50

because if its once a month or once a year and your having a go at hime then it could be seen as controlling, he should be watching the children though.

No. It’s not controlling to say “sure, go out, have fun, just don’t get too wasted because you’ve got the kids tomorrow while I work”. That’s called being responsible. DH has had his fair share of blowouts pre-kids and we’ve both had nights out individually when we know we can get a lie in the next day while the other gets the kids up. But getting so drunk that you’re vomiting at 3:30 when your wife leaves the kids in your care at 6am is utterly disgraceful and downright dangerous behaviour.

WorldsOnFire · 01/01/2020 20:56

@Shesalittlemadam

I thought the exact same thing! DH was not in a state to be left in charge, the children were essentially unsupervised. Had an accident happened or a fire broken out shortly after OP left for work (morning time) I’d bet my life DH had fallen back to sleep or would be far too groggy to react appropriately.

In the same situation I’d have called in sick.

JacquesHammer · 01/01/2020 21:01

In the same situation I’d have called in sick

On New Year’s Day? Let’s face it, which employer is actually going to believe that? Would you risk that?

The fact is OP’s husband put her in an untenable situation, not once iota of her making.

Cohle · 01/01/2020 21:01

Jesus, the poor OP. Not only is her husband a dick but people are using it as a reason to have a go at her. You have no idea of the family circumstances or what her job is. Some people can't simply call in sick because of their husband's uselessness.

SarahTancredi · 01/01/2020 21:01

Call in sick and u may not have a job to go back too.

Sickness goes on record. Is cause for discipliniries .

cushioncovers · 01/01/2020 21:06

My exh used to do this, minus the vomiting, nearly every week. It's was exhausting being the responsible one all the time. Going to work early the next morning knowing your small dc would not be fed or supervised properly was awful.

Does he do this often op?

Original poster
GreenyHedges · 01/01/2020 21:09

Sorry for not updating, was putting the kids to bed and making dinner.

I know it was probably irresponsible of me to leave them with him, but I was offered Christmas at home with my family in exchange for doing New Year. I couldn't have called in sick as then it would look like I was the one that was hungover and skiving off work. I also couldn't have arranged childcare at that time of the morning and so last-minute.

I ended up wiping the worst of the mess in the bathroom up this morning. I think he should have done it but we only have the one bathroom and I didn't want the kids to go in there like it was.

DH is currently sulking because I've told him I'm pissed off with him still acting like a teenager, and trying to shift the blame to me for being controlling.

This isn't a regular thing although he has a tendancy to drink too much when he goes out. Which in fairness is probably every couple of months or so.

OP posts:
lisag1969 · 01/01/2020 21:12

Tell him to bloody grow up and stop acting like a child. He needs to act like an adult with 2 children.
I think he's extremely lucky to have you for a wife. My husband wouldn't be going out on his own on NYE while I wS at home with the 2 children and got to go to work the next day.
I don't mind my husband going out on his own but it certainly would not be at Christmas that is family time.
If he went out ( not that he would) he would not be getting back in.
I think you are very tolerant x

thepeopleversuswork · 01/01/2020 21:14

Jesus OP: in no way was this your fault. Those of you having a go you should be ashamed of yourselves. A woman behaving responsibly by going in to do her shift when her husband is too much of a drunken arsehole to clean up his own sick and this is her fault???

He’s bang out of order to be sulking about it as well. I would be giving some serious thought to whether I could continue to live with someone like this tbh.

WorldsOnFire · 01/01/2020 21:15

@JacquesHammer

I’d have been perfectly honest about what had happened and I don’t think it’s at all unbelievable. I think it’s embarrassing for the OP’s DH and the OP deserves sympathy.

Also I’m not having a go at the OP- the situation she was put in was pants and the blame lands entirely at DH’s feet. OP should never have been out in this situation!

I understand the job insecurity however I don’t think that trumps child safety. Had DH not come home she wouldn’t have left the kids in bed and gone to work on the basis that she might lose her job. Had there been negative consequences that would have been entirely DH’s fault too!

k1233 · 01/01/2020 21:17

He's certainly allowed to go out and have a good time if he wants. He's also a father and gas responsibilities to parent his children. He's very lucky he has good kids who didn't run riot whist he was incapacitated on the bed.

JacquesHammer · 01/01/2020 21:20

I’d have been perfectly honest about what had happened and I don’t think it’s at all unbelievable

On New Year’s Day unfortunately it is, especially as OP had Christmas off in lieu of working New Year.

It’s really easy to say what you would have done when it isn’t you being faced with lack of sleep, stress and husband issues.

OP made the only decision she could IMO.

MyMajesty · 01/01/2020 21:20

Does he think he looked after the kids adequately?
Does he think you should be perfectly fine with the whole situation?

If no, what does he suggest should be done differently another time?

If yes, kick him out.

P.s. Did he clean up the rest of the vomit in the bathroom?
If not, why not?

SarahTancredi · 01/01/2020 21:24

If theres one thing companies object to more than phoning In sick ( cos they assume it's just cos people went out and got drunk anyway) its phoning in sick cos someone else is hungover...

If hed been involved in an.accident and was in hospital theyd not have much choice but a hangover is not adequate excuse for you let alone someone else

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