To think I'm not being 'controlling' and that he shouldn't have gone and got pissed last night?

[GreenyHedges]

Background is 'D'H and I have 2 kids, DS who is 6 and DD who is 4. DH still likes to go out with his mates and wanted to go out NYE. I have a job where I have to work New Year's Day, so I said ok but can you please watch how much you're drinking, I'm not saying you can't drink but you need to be able to look after the kids while I'm at work. He said fine and got in the taxi.

Well next thing I know it's 3:30 am and I'm awoken by the sound of him vomiting (not envy!) and staggering all over the place knocking into everything.
I told him I wasn't pleased and I'd asked him not to do this. And that he would still be looking after the kids regardless so to expect to be woken up at 7:00 by DD.

I left for work just before 6 as I was on a morning shift, he'd left the place in a tip, hadn't cleaned the bathroom from when he was throwing up. When I got home around 2, he was upstairs lying on the bed, obviously hungover, and the kids were downstairs watching TV. When I asked them what they'd done they said they'd been watching TV all day and that DH had given them crisps for breakfast and cereal for lunch.

When I tried to talk to DH he said I was being controlling and he's allowed to go out and have a good time if he wants.

The level of apology for utter benders is incredible. And every couple of months? How immature and stupid.

He dropped his responsibility for his dc, or any shits for his wife, at the pub door and with every drink he downed that incapacitated him, and every time he's taken risks with his DCs well-being by doing this.

Yes, its very gendered behaviour. Its extremely sexist and very old hat for men to behave this way.

Everything about it says screw you and your job and the dc.

Employers all over continually have parents call in through childcare let downs. Although, noone expect the one doing the letting down to be the other parent, due to deliberate actions. That makes it now the OPs responsibility to assume it will happen again and to protect her dc from their own father by arranging her own separate childcare. It may have the effect of shaming him into growing up and facing his alcoholism.

Hes not mature enough to have a family. He doesn't take his family responsibilities seriously, or his wifes job.

Make other arrangements OP.

Tell him as he can't be trusted, that if he gets in that state again when he goes out that you will throw him out if he tries to come home. That hes not welcome home again. He can go and stay at someone elses if he going to get so messed up, oh no, hang on, noone else would put him up in that state either, nor would he do that to others.

Exactly people

All these people making excuses for him, saying that he would have still been drunk etc

I've seen guys do it so many times. Get so wasted they pass out in their kebab.

Pulling all nighters then going to work. How many times have any if us gone to work and worked along side someone who was hanging. They made it in.

They always make it in when its something they want to do and even dragging their steaming arse to work is preferable to being home with the kids of course .

3 hours sleep and being hungover doenst keep them from.work, plans with their mates, starting all over again on a stag do . Doesnt keep them from anything they want to do.

But the kids, well they dont want to , its not their job is it, and no amount of trying to devate whether they would be still drunk and their level if capability etc which is all just another way of denying the truth which they just cant he bothered and that's what the wife is for.

That's not unique to alcohol its just another way it manifests itself in another way we somehow overlook or explain away.

It is a gender thing. Because every single Time women are told to get on with it.tough crap. They are left sleep deprived or recovering from.surgery or suffering from d&v or flu and every single time the mask job is far too important to disturb. The man needs sleep too to function.

@SarahTancredi

This is an adult problem! Which should be sorted out and addressed without small children being put at risk. Your point isn’t wrong but it ridiculous to apply it at the expense of child safety and doesn’t make leaving your small children in the care of a drunk and in bed adult alright!

You’re just playing tit for tat! ‘Well women have to push through so now this is his problem he’s drunk and caring for the kids*

GROW UP! - By adopting that attitude you’re making it the children’s problem and putting them at risk! DC falls down stairs and breaks a limb, can’t wake DH who is passed out drunk at 8am.... Buts that’s ok because at least that child was hurt in the pursuit of gender equality 👍🏻😡

There is a Huge difference between illness and being intoxicated in bed! D&V, flu, viruses- all unpleasant but unless you’re on very strong medication which stops you functioning (in which case you are intoxicated too) It does not reduce your ability to act should a fire or serious accident happen!

Being unwell/hungover and looking after a child is not dangerous like being drunk/ intoxicated and looking after one is!

Seeing some of the blatant disregard for kids safety, in favour of ‘proving a point’ over men makes me really glad we have SS’s!

You seem to be missing the point.

For anything else he likely would have been up. He would have made it to work. He would have been in the shower and out the door if his mates rocked up with tickets to a foot ball match. Hell if even his boss called he would have probably made it in to as let's face it its better than being home with your nagging controlling wife If you can do that you can get up and sit down stairs with the kids.

This wasn't a capability thing. This was an."I dont want to thing"

Not following that reasoning atall Sarah

So you're saying that the only consideration is that he's still drunk but could do work, just chooses not to do dc?

Which assumes he could also control whether he vomits, passes out, needs hospitalisation etc, all of which is his responsibility, and up to him, but when there are DC involved he is risking other lives than his own, other lives that are dependent upon him being safe around them. What if he wandered into their room where they were playing and pissed all over one of their beds, or any of the other revolting behaviours by those blind drunk?

Are those blokes that piss wherever they want because they are too blind deunk tonknow what they're doing actually really able to work and in a position to be responsible for dc?

No, they're not. They put their dc at risk. It's primarily a gendered issue yes, but here its the dc that are under discussion, and OPs work and whether she's U in thinking its wrong.

Its wrong, and proper childcare arrangements need to be put in place to ensure the dc and OPs job are not at risk.

In fact, OP would benefit from further protecting her position by building her career and becoming independent of him, as he's unsuitable for depending upon.

Yes it's just another form of selective incompetence.

Wives and children rarely make the cut of things worth pushing through for.

Either bosses regularly accept days of not working very well and napping in staff rooms or they can rally more than you think.

How many of these men would still be employed if they called in still drunk and incapable. It seems that in reality its only the wife and kids that suffer from husbands being uncontactable or ditched for the sofa.

@SarahTancredi

I’m not missing your point at all- I fully see it and am calling it both irresponsible and a bit ridiculous.

You’d put two small children in the sole care of a drunken a on the basis that that same drunken a might have managed to drive himself into work (highly illegal and dangerous) or attend a social event (not directly risking small children’s safety).

I’m not sure how much further I can argue this point with you as it’s become blatantly clear you view child endangerment as acceptable in aid of fighting a gender equality dispute between grown adults.

My spouse got paralytically drunk to the point of vomiting everywhere 3 hours ago. We have two children under 10yo and I am due to leave for work- is it ok for me to leave them in spouses care?

No! Categorically this is not ok or safe and if you (a sober and responsible parent) make the conscious choice to do this then it is child endangerment and neglect, in the same way that leaving them home alone would be!

It does not mean I don’t have sympathy for the OP and understand she may have job insecurity. However lots of parents struggle with job insecurity when children are unwell or circumstance change! It does not mean that putting children in danger is justified... EVER

JFC, she may have lost the job they need to keep the roof over their heads by ringing in because he was drunk! But somehow it's her fault?! She needed to 'arrange childcare' at 3.30am to get up at 6am to go to work or put someone in the shit by phoning in on NYD? What do you phone in, 'Sorry, husband drunk. But think of the children!' and the boss is totally going to understand.

On Planet Reality, people have rent to pay and need to go to work to do it.

This guy gets in this state every couple of months because he's a binge drinking, immature twat.

I do not view child endangerment acceptable ffs.

And going to work is hardly point proving.... it's not a.little hobby op does to keep busy. It's their home their food their school uniform etc

Calling in sick for a drunk husband could well have lead to disciplinary action maybe even dismissal. So bang goes a reference .

Love the comment of furthering her career to be able to be rid of him.whilst simultaneously expecting her to call.in sick every time this happens . The two arent really compatible are they.

I remember having a hangover once when my kids were young (ish), after a Christmas night out ( was a single parent then).Never again! I functioned like a proper parent, but the fact I had deal with children hungover put me off! Hardly drink now and my kids are grown up! I didn't stay in bed though,died on sofa where I could supervise them properly .
Your husband shouldn't have got himself in such a state where he needed to stay in bed,and should have cleaned up his puke. There is a vast difference from being a bit delicate and lying in bed all day.

I remember when I was younger, maybe 8/9, my Nan had taken me and my sister to a Christmas party.

She then dropped us off at home before going back to her house. She thought my dad was there, which he was.

However, I went upstairs to find him completely paralytic and unconscious. Couldn’t even wake him up.

Me and my sister were terrified and really upset.

There we were alone in the house with a dad who won’t wake up. We didn’t know he was drunk at the time. Just that he wouldn’t wake up.

I rang my Nan and she came back to care for us. She shouldn’t have had to do that.

This is the reality of pissheads

WorldsOnFire you're missing the bigger picture though. As I said above, possibly the OP could have negotiated a day off work as a one off to deal with this situation. Maybe she couldn't. None of us actually know so pointless having a slanging match over it. At best this would have been a short term one-off fix.

But if you oppose leaving two small children in the sole care of a drunken arse (as I would have done) and said drunken arse refuses to acknowledge that he has any responsibility to remain sober enough to look after the children then you have a structural problem. There is going to be a limit to the amount of sick days the OP can take without jeopardising her job.

And short term fixes like taking sick days to facilitate his need to get shitfaced at the drop of a hat will only get you so far. Longer term, there has to be a sustainable solution: a) the bloke steps up, dries out and gets his shit together or b) the OP gets rid of him and assumes sole responsibility for childcare, either by doing it all herself or by paying someone else to do it. In either of the b) scenarios, her kids are safer and probably happier, but she's poorer and less able to provide a stable financial environment for them. All because of the refusal of this feckless twat to stop drinking at the appointed time.

This has gender inequality issue written across it in huge neon fucking lights. Putting band aids on it and temporarily cleaning up his messes for him won't change that.

Exactly, Sarah! Fucking agog that she was supposed to ring in on NYD due to drunk husband.

OP, you are married to a pisshead. Would have been far far better to dump anyone who still needs to party like this past about the age of maybe early 20s, it's not indicative of someone who is a grown up or who puts obligations first, getting so trashed you boak all over the bathroom, don't clean it up and spend the entire next day unable to really function belongs in adolescence.

And who exactly would have a) answered the phone at 3.30 in the morning

b) not been in a similar state. I mean the husband wasnt out drinking alone was he.

Operation find a sober person on NYE....

Love the comment of furthering her career to be able to be rid of him.whilst simultaneously expecting her to call.in sick every time this happens . The two arent really compatible are they.

sarah

Are you being deliberately obtuse, as its not constructive and just derailing because that isn't what I said is it.

I said that, well everyone can see what I said, and it involved planning future childcare to protect her own career, and developing her career to further protect herself and her dc.

Why attack other posters that post in support of women who live with arseholes.

It is gendered, but that doesn't alter the fact the despite a drunkard going into work it doesn't mean they are competent either at work or as a parent, meantime the dc are at risk, and potentially work clients, depending on the job tue drunkard asshole goes to.

Its not helpful to try to dis positive suggestions for OP to deal with him. Arguing thats its a gender issue is all well and good but it wont change her situation, and OP needs to effect change to her life and the safety of her dc, regardless of whether its a gendered behaviour.

I do see a lot of sexist commentary on this thread. How caveman.

@thepeopleversuswork

Did you see my earlier post about it being two separate issues getting rolled into one?

The OP (in my opinion) has a serious issue with her DH and needs to address this! Personally I would be running away from this a***!

However, whilst she’s choosing to stay and ‘tolerate’ his behaviour she’s making herself accountable for his bad behaviour! She knowingly left children in his unfit and irresponsible care. If something had happened OP would have been held equally responsible for that and no doubt been charged with neglect. Because she knew he was unfit and left the children there anyway! So in the eyes of the law she abandoned them without fit supervision. So no, it doesn’t matter how many times she has to call in, or what impact it has on her job because by staying in this situation she is accepting an element of responsibility.

If OP was separated and the kids were with DH and he got into this state- that would be 100% his fault and nothing to do with the OP! She would be entitled to go about her own business whilst they were in his care and him be entirely responsible for his own actions.

By being there, knowing he was steaming drunk and choosing to leave the kids with him anyway OP has implicated herself with responsibility!

You can argue the ‘rights and wrongs’ of this situation all day! But PLEASE explain to me a situation in which the children had got seriously hurt yesterday and the police/SS felt this was not equally the OP’s fault???

The fact is your husband OP has been an irresponsible, selfish bastard. He’s gone out and got drunk. It wasn’t forced on him. The food I have less issue with than him being upstairs sleeping and leaving the kids downstairs alone. It’s shitty and selfish.

I do agree with the poster who has that if it was something for him like work, or football tickets he’d have made an effort and sorted his shit out.

And who exactly would have a) answered the phone at 3.30 in the morning

Translated - Its fine for me to leave my kids unsupervised and in danger because I couldn’t find cover for my shift at work!

Priorities all the wrong way around!

smother

The op fir all we know may well be doing this. In a way that wouldnt be possible if she lost her job and had to go through probation periods all over again and not having the flexible working right she accrued at her current job.

Which makes the situation even more impossible doesnt it. I mean we dont even know if she has any friends or family around to help and how many even would for this reason. I mean hospital admissions are one thing. Drunk husbands are another. Most people would just say throw a berrocca at him and leave him to it.

The while reason it's harder to phone in.sick now is because of this. Because people abused it with hangovers and cold which people are expected to get on with stuff with.

Throw in new years eve where the majority of the population will be nursing hangovers come morning. Anyone disturbed at half three trying to sober up enough to make it to Ops for 6 in the morning would be accused of placing the child in the exact same position.

Not working could have been the one thing that blew any chance if her getting out the situation

The OP was put in a very difficult place.

He's a selfish waster.
I find it hard to believe this incident will be in isolation.

I'm another one who'd love to read the posts if this was a thread from a man whose wife pulled a stunt like this🙄.

I think some women are in relationships where the behaviour bar is so unbelievably low.

Life sounds very tough for them.

Sorry, you've lost me. Was there a retraction in there somewhere. Your post doesn't really make sense as answer to my last despite you seeming to refer to it.

As in you rewrote my post and picked at it negatively, which didn't stack up.

I don't have argument with this being a gendered situation.

Its beneficial for OP to plan ahead now and make change to ensure future protections.

I agree billy

Where there are two adults everyone seems to assume both are responsible, when they're not.

One abdicating responsibility continually puts the other under pressure to step in. It's certainly not a partnership of any description, its an abuse of the other.

The person that behaves this way is the controlling one, but levelling that insult at the one being controlled is classic 'controlling' behaviour on the part of the irresponsible one.

Smother

I meant she might even be doing that. Planning ahead and trying to make changes. We dont know what situation she is in right now. And I doubt we will now given people have now turned it around on the op and made this her fault.

She may well even have back up usually available however it was NYE and everyone probably had plans . Those plans would have been made without the responsibility of the ops children in mind as why would they especially as they perhaps already sorted out their own kids so they could go out and have a few drinks.

Calling in sick for someone else for reasons most bosses do not accept as excuses could have cost her her job. The very job she may well have been trying to work up into a position to make her completely financially independent. All that could have been lost and potentially a half decent reference too.

I still say he could have sobered himself up enough to cope. And for any other reason he probably would have done. I think.its sad she found out the hard way he wasnt going to do that. He got up to feed the kids twice so there was a level of capability there . Hes clean hes shut the.kids up with tv and crisps but the toilet and actual supervision was left. He made a choice there.