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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not being 'controlling' and that he shouldn't have gone and got pissed last night?

230 replies

GreenyHedges · 01/01/2020 16:53

Background is 'D'H and I have 2 kids, DS who is 6 and DD who is 4. DH still likes to go out with his mates and wanted to go out NYE. I have a job where I have to work New Year's Day, so I said ok but can you please watch how much you're drinking, I'm not saying you can't drink but you need to be able to look after the kids while I'm at work. He said fine and got in the taxi.

Well next thing I know it's 3:30 am and I'm awoken by the sound of him vomitingEnvy (not envy!) and staggering all over the place knocking into everything.
I told him I wasn't pleased and I'd asked him not to do this. And that he would still be looking after the kids regardless so to expect to be woken up at 7:00 by DD.

I left for work just before 6 as I was on a morning shift, he'd left the place in a tip, hadn't cleaned the bathroom from when he was throwing up. When I got home around 2, he was upstairs lying on the bed, obviously hungover, and the kids were downstairs watching TV. When I asked them what they'd done they said they'd been watching TV all day and that DH had given them crisps for breakfastConfused and cereal for lunch.

When I tried to talk to DH he said I was being controlling and he's allowed to go out and have a good time if he wants.

OP posts:
Whatsforu · 01/01/2020 17:45

Some of the replies on here!! He could easily have gone out had a few drinks, enjoyed himself without getting smashed. Then he could of been there for the kids the next day. Op never got to go out and had to work. Dh was definitely a selfish prick of the highest order!!

ElloBrian · 01/01/2020 17:46

It is not about the drinking. It is about the communication. Perhaps some people are missing that point ?

Straycatstrut · 01/01/2020 17:47

I agree with others that if it's a complete one off and he's daddy perfect the rest of the time I'd let him off as he got carried away, it was a mistake. Just worries me what if one of them had had an accident downstairs, house set on fire etc... was he asleep?

If I had my young boys (7 and 3) the next day there is no way I'd drink more than a couple of small glasses of wine.

PlanDeRaccordement · 01/01/2020 17:50

This whole thread reminds me of what the smug ladies at my church would say. All the disapproval, the expectation that a parent must be perfect and on duty 24/7 for twenty years. That we must be martyrs to parenthood.
Real life is messy and yes, I’ve drunk too much and had to care for my kids hungover the next day while my husband was at work. It’s not happened often, half a dozen times total in twenty years. It has not ruined their childhood. They were fine and I am not a shit parent either. I’m an imperfectly good parent.

JacquesHammer · 01/01/2020 17:50

Yet another manchild incapable of actually sticking to agreements.

YANBU OP. Nor are you controlling.

Let the man have fun

Why do so many people confuse “fun” with “getting absolutely shitfaced so I’m incapable of behaving like a decent human being”

JingsMahBucket · 01/01/2020 17:51

Exactly @JacquesHammer.

FruitcakeOfHate · 01/01/2020 17:54

Oh, okay then, leaving a vom covered bathroom and being upstairs in bed so hungover. That's fine then. All 'having fun'. Hmm.

Straycatstrut · 01/01/2020 17:54

4 year old and 6 year old don't need supervision watching tv

I'm going easy on the guy here but you need to at least be on the same floor as them and checking in on them. I've had to leave mine in the living room watching TV many times, so I can get jobs done (single parent). They don't sit there like little robots. I'm not sure if other kids do. One time my 3 year old managed to split his head open, and one time my 7 year old managed to get an incredibly serious deep cut on his arm, so bad that I thought in my panic (wrongly) it'd gone through to the bone - I have no idea how he did this. I was in the room next door and could respond straight away. If I was upstairs drifting in and out of consciousness due to being massively hungover and that had happened.... would people be so kind to me?!!

haveuheard · 01/01/2020 17:56

It sounds a bit odd. Was there no food in the house? Is your 6 year old not able to make a sandwich?

Topseyt · 01/01/2020 17:57

It would be the leaving of vomit over the bathroom that would really piss me off. That is just plain disgusting and inconsiderate.

He should have been downstairs with the children so that he could be sure they were OK. I've occasionally been tipsy when looking after my young children (who aren't small anymore, by the way), and yes, once or twice hung over too. Not to the extent that OP seems to be describing though.

B0bbin · 01/01/2020 17:59

How irresponsible. He should know his own limits with drink. Did he seem ashamed of any of this? I'd feel like shit about it if I'd done that- yes, the kids were fine, luckily, but how rubbish to sit watching telly all day. Sorry you and DCs had to deal with that x

mummyway · 01/01/2020 18:02

Everyone having a go at the op..... Grow up. Her manchild husband needs to grow up, its one thing to go out and have fun it's another to disregard your responsibility as a parent. Op had to leave the kids with their father so she could go to work, and he couldn't be effed to feed his kids or spend some time with them. Priorities

category12 · 01/01/2020 18:02

Being hungover and looking after children isn't ideal - but it's how you look after them while hungover, isn't it? Crisps for breakfast, cereal for lunch and lying on the bed upstairs is shite parenting of a 4 & 6 yr old. if he'd at least been in the same room with them and fed them properly that would be fine.

Can't power through when you know your partner is due home at 2 so you'll be able to lie down then, don't drink so bloody much.

Letsdoanamechangeagain · 01/01/2020 18:04

Yeah, bollocks to that. I dont think isnt unreasonable to have a drink NYE or even be hungover and somewhat delicate in charge of the kids New Years Day.

But getting so wasted that you are vomiting all over the bathroom, not bothering to clean it up, and feeding crisps to your kids for breakfast is a different kettle of fish. Hes not 17 ffs and should have a bit of self control.

CanIHaveADrink · 01/01/2020 18:05

Being in bed because you’ve drunk too much is very different to being ill with DV.
One you ca avoid, the other you can’t.
One you have control over, the other you don’t.
One you make the decision to not take any responsibility as a parent, the other you dint and make the best out of a shit situation.

If he wanted to go out for NYE, he had plenty of choices. He could have drunk less, organised for someone to look after the dcs etc...
Blaming you about his failures is just not on.

champagneandfromage50 · 01/01/2020 18:05

So he left you with the DC to have 'fun' on NYE with his mates. I have no issues with my DH going away for his annual weekend away trip with his mates or his night away to visit a close friend in Ireland or going out locally. I do the same. However NYE is family time and we always have people over and I would never think of leaving him at home with the DC to bring in the NY. Never mind getting in such a state your DC had to spend the day eating crap whilst there father left his vomit in the bathroom and spent the day in bed..... he sounds delightful- hope he has cleaned up the mess he has left

Antibles · 01/01/2020 18:11

The issue for me is that he deliberately ignored your reasonable request to be in a fit state to do childcare given that you were working, and turned it around onto you being the problem. Deliberate disrespect compounded by gaslighting.

SinkGirl · 01/01/2020 18:12

Never ceases to amaze me how normalised heavy drinking is for some people. It doesn’t matter if it’s only once a year. He’s not a student any more, he’s a parent, with two small children he needs to care for while his partner is at work. Having fun doesn’t have to mean getting so hammered that you’re vomiting and can’t look after your kids.

The fact that some people consider anything less than this as being a martyr to your children is batshit insane. He’s been in no fit state to parent today and it was completely avoidable - he could have still had plenty of fun without getting this drunk. Anyone who can’t has an issue, once a year or not.

Missteebeee · 01/01/2020 18:14

Would he have been able to get the children and himself out safely if there had been a fire?

JosefKeller · 01/01/2020 18:18

Not ok at all.

Once you decide to have kids, you accept to be responsible for them.

DimplesMcGee · 01/01/2020 18:18

Is your 6 year old not able to make a sandwich?

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you that you’ve read the OP and that’s what you’ve taken away from it? Judging the six year old for not making a sandwich for himself and his sister so that poor daddy can sleep off his “fun” night in peace?! God forbid he should actually have to parent his children.

I8toys · 01/01/2020 18:22

6 year old making a sandwich - mumsnet at its finest!

Sparkle567 · 01/01/2020 18:25

how often does he do it? Once in a while = not a problem.
Every week = problem

wait68 · 01/01/2020 18:29

He could have had fun without overdoing it. If he had cleaned before the children woke up, then maybe even vomiting may not be too bad.
But saying you are controlling is totally uncalled for. He probably told his mates he wasn't gonna get pissed because his DP had advised him not to. And they may have said that's so controlling, so he decided to go ahead and get pissed to show them he wasn't being controlled.

thunderthighsohwoe · 01/01/2020 18:32

The bathroom sounds horrific and would bother me too OP.

However, I do distinctly remember New Years Day generally being the day when my dad and stepmum shuffled around the house like zombies following a raucous dinner party with various friends. My three siblings and I generally had a fab time eating all the rubbish we’d got for Christmas and watching whatever we liked on tv. However, there was an age gap of ten years between the youngest and oldest of us so I guess more supervision. And this was the nineties and noughties!

Can I vote that YABslightlyU?

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