Has anyone else experienced that thing where someone is overbearing and interfering in an 'oh so helpful way' and then weirdly becomes over entitled because of it?

[OhioOhioOhio]

Wtf is it?

I have recently had a situation where someone helped me with childcare.

They think they were phenomenal. I think they were equally good and an absolute interfering pain in the backside.

But because they did all sorts of 'extras' that were actually really intrusive and uncalled for it somehow permitted them to be more entitled to an opinion, or something like that.

It's so immature and bizarre. I can't quite get my head around it.

Has this happened to anyone else?

I think you need to be a bit more specific, OP. Why does someone 'having an opinion' affect you?

Yes.

I'm disabled, disabled people tend to get this a lot. Someone suddenly taking it upon themselves to "help" and then becoming weird with you when you don't want to do things their way or in a way that makes them look good at your expense.

Can you give more details re the extras?

Because they are balshy and have an exaggerated opinion about how hard they worked.

The arrangement came to an end because I could not afford it.

They blame me and are extra pissed off because in their opinion they worked so hard doing all these extras.

In my opinion they worked hard but they were a fkn pain in the backside.

It happened a while ago. I just keep rethinking it because I find it quite fascinating that someone could be so naive as to think that by doing loads of unwanted tasks makes them extra helpful.

The title, the OP and the response are so scattered I don't really understand what any of this is really about so I'm unable to offer an opinion as to whether or not YABU 🤔

Yes, my mother in law!!

I get the overall vibe OP, someone wants you to be beholden to them for things that you didn't want and never asked for, but, could you be more clear?

Like instead of tidying. Rearranging everything. And I mean everything.

Instead of washing the floor also washing the windows but not emptying the dirty bucket of water. It kind of leaves you caught. On the one hand your mouth is saying (as they are showing off their efforts) 'oh wow aren't the (clean anyway) windows still clean, how spectacular' whilst thinking, 'now I have a dirty pail of water and cloth to deal with'.

But because this fully grown elder adult is flying their superhero flag, and because you are being kind, you get caught up in their weird self cheerleading bullshit.

It is so odd.

I wouldn't waste your time 'rethinking' this OP. People are weird.

Sorry. I'm trying my best. I guess I'm asking because I don't get it either.

The pp who mentioned being disabled, maybe you get it, in the way that I was going through a hard time when this situation developed and I guess this person fancied herself as my saviour. And, in fairness, for about two weeks, she was but I didn't expect her to be so, I don't know, entitled.

And the pp who mentioned the beholden thing. Yes. That. How do they think they are doing that?

No idea about OPs situation but @ValleyClouds YESSSss! Thank you for putting into words what's been bugging me! should point out I'm the f/t carer not the disabled person I've been trying to describe this but couldn't quite make a nice summary of it. I've been sounding like a right cow slagging off showy helpful types without being able to explain why being helpful is annoying

Yes, just after I gave birth my (childfree) aunt came to visit and rearranged my kitchen and bought lots of little baskets to store things in, except the baskets were annoying so I stacked them up in the spare room and next time she came she put them all back and rearranged things again so I could bloody find stuff in my own kitchen. She thinks she was being ever so helpful but actually it was just annoying because my kitchen was arranged for the way I use it, not someone who only eats toast and ready meals!

So Hazard. What's the difference between helpful and helpful?

I think there are people who get a weird kick out of “helping” that actually tips over into control. I have a good friend like this who is incredibly kind and giving and amazing in a crisis but who then becomes a bit like a dog with a bone in the way she helps you.

It’s as if the help is contingent on your agreeing to go along with things being done in a certain way which is deemed appropriate. It’s surprisingly common.

And it is annoying because you can't say, 'I didn't want you to rearrange the fkng drawing pins anyway'.

I agree 100% here with valley clouds, I get this all the time… I look quite young and I also have a disability, and the number of unwanted interference I get is eye-opening…

Some people are great, and sometimes I do need help, but some people can really overstepped the line and even when you tell them know 1000 times, they don’t listen.

They are a certain breed @Hazardexhausted

They definitely aren't helping you for you, or for your loved one though that's how they hope to come across

It's so they can announce to someone somewhere :

"MY FRIEND, WHO IS IN A WHEELCHAIR....well I HAD TO you know, THEY'VE GOT NO ONE ELSE"

That sort of caper.

Hmm it's like if you ask for advice, they give advice and then are angry if you don't take it. You can see both sides if you think of it that way 'why did you ask me then?'

Yeah in my previous industry we used to call it rescuing and they were heavily looked down upon because it was all about them and them feeling like they were the best thing since sliced bread. Almost to a person they were heavily insecure and massively fed off the image of being "nice" or helpful.

(One or two were just arrogant and thought they knew better)

They felt better by reinforcing someone's vulnerability and need for them by actually making life a little worse under the guise of helping or infantilising them.

As soon as the person being helped wised up or became a bit stronger they would run off crying about how much they had done and how underappreciated they were . Rarely got much sympathy from the professionals and usually overstepped so badly they got disciplined.

I learnt to watch for phrases like " I put everyone else before me because I just care so much " , "I am just the kind of person who goes the extra mile" " I give everything to other people". For my previous industry it was extremely boundaries for very very good reasons but there was always someone who thought they knew better, and it often starts of small.

It makes me roll my eyes when I see it on here and someone expects you to be grateful (I usually assume they are a self satisfied rescuer as well). Help is not help when it is not requested.

Oh God, I have a relative like this. Can't stay away from my housework, then I have to redo everything anyway because it's done to their liking, not mine. I know full well it's a dig at my housekeeping standards, but passive-aggressively rearranging my house isn't going to make me any better at it!

Omg. This thread is definitely helping me.

Yes. They decided they were my rescuer and I should be 'oh so grateful'. I was actually polite and naive.

So. Wtf was this?

My kids were going on this excursion. I'd explained that I'd sort everything out for it. Because my kids like playing with their bags I didn't pack their bags til the actual day but I had everything ready and sitting on a shelf for well over a week.

Day of the excursion arrives and this person appears and (omg so fkn smugly) pops juice and tissues into their bags. It looks so nice and kind and innocent. BUT it stinks of 'oh am I not so helpful being the only person who could possibly ever remember these children required juice on their exxursion'.

But because its 'nice' it leaves them untouchable for any recourse. How could you ever turn around and say 'I bought the juice and the tissues you cheeky overstepping the mark cow?'

I have a friend who came to help with housework when I was struggling. I'm not an invalid. I am unwell occasionally but am usually very capable. She acts as if I'm not and as if I am refusing to face the reality of how ill I am. She makes out that I'm not coping and it's her actions that are saving me.

She asks if I need help. I tell her no but she then turns up anyway. She won't just sit and drink her coffee. I will be doing the pots at the sink and she'll grab my dishcloth and start cleaning the bin then rinse it in my clean washing up water. She'll start splashing and slopping my bleach around the surfaces after I tell her not to because I like to clear the surfaces first. I actually have to hide my bleach now for when she visits.

She's overly familiar with my house because she previously did help me in the past when I was unwell. She is trying to make me adapt her methods and force me into complying.

These people sound really annoying!

The only thing I've had (in a small way) is when a family babysitter gave my kids a chocolate lolly each and a load of sweets in the evening, after we'd gone out. She hadn't asked and I would have said no if she had asked. I didn't want them eating that just before bedtime! Just do what you've been paid (well) to do.

Didn't say anything because it was a 'nice' thing for her to do, but I was fuming and never used her again.

Hmm, I'm not sure my example quite fits, but it was great getting that off my chest!