Has anyone else experienced that thing where someone is overbearing and interfering in an 'oh so helpful way' and then weirdly becomes over entitled because of it?

[OhioOhioOhio]

Wtf is it?

I have recently had a situation where someone helped me with childcare.

They think they were phenomenal. I think they were equally good and an absolute interfering pain in the backside.

But because they did all sorts of 'extras' that were actually really intrusive and uncalled for it somehow permitted them to be more entitled to an opinion, or something like that.

It's so immature and bizarre. I can't quite get my head around it.

Has this happened to anyone else?

I work with someone like this. It is undermining and annoying and makes me feel utterly controlled. Grrr

at my daughters christening, when I had a brand new house one of the guests decided my kitchen sink needed cleaning and took an abrasive cleaner to it and ruined it the 'dirt' on the sink was a staining from tea and I dont have a problem with dirty sinks in any case

some one else once tried to teach me how to peg my washing out so it would dry quicker apparently. just as I dont care about dirty sinks I have better things to think about than how washing dries. the scenario you describe is at its worst when you've just had a baby because youre physically at their mercy (cant move so quick or push them out of the way for example)

This is the root of so many MIL threads!

My mum is one of these. Insists on stacking the dishwasher but won't do it properly so just throws off routine and makes more work. Her speciality is putting dirty plates in badly, then not setting it off so I have no clean plates and no where to put dirty stuff! She's been told at least 4 times to set the bloody thing off. Last time she got shouted at!

I love my dad, but he does this with cooking and it is frustrating.

He takes it on himself to cook a meal that has not been requested, or discussed, as a 'nice surprise' or 'to be helpful' and then gets defensive and upset if people are not around when he expected them/ have eaten already/ don't want a big meal (it usually is a big meal).

It's well intentioned. But argh. A recent example, my husband, toddler and I went to London on a day trip with my mum. When we dropped my mum back around 7pm he had cooked a roast for all of us. Only my toddler was asleep in the car (DH waiting outside with him) and we'd sorted my diabetic mum with food on the journey as she usually eats earlier. She's also trying to lose some weight at the moment and this meal was not diet friendly.

I took home a plate with me and said thank you. It was kind, but if he'd said he was thinking of doing this when he asked us for our ETA an hour earlier, we'd have saved him a chore.

I will add, he then talks about how he's always cooking when he wants help moving furniture/ in the garden.

The silly thing is, he just needs to ask. He doesn't need to bargain for help. He doesn't need to bargain for company. We're (my siblings and their partners) happy to pop in/ lend a hand.

Sometimes mum will be pegging out her washing as i chat to her. If i reach for the clothes to lend a hand she gives me a look - no one wants their pegging system interfered with.

These types also will never let you help them or repay the kindness in any way. They seem to like feeling better than others, rather than having a friendship of equals.

Had one that would always try to do my dishes or clean my kitchen during parties. If I stopped her she’d sulk so I’d just let her carry on. But if I was at her house and lifted a finger she would act insulted and sulk even worse.

My otherwise lovely DMIL rearranged the kitchen while I was recovering from a c-section. I couldn’t find a thing. Still rankles 16 years later because she thinks she did me a huuuuge favour.

Help often comes with strings attached of some sort. This is a big part of why many of us want to be independent, I think - we have encountered people who exploit any contribution they make or help they give someone as a kind of...transactional power game.

The world seems to be full of 'I know/ I do better thans' atm! 'Praise Junkies' if you like...people who do the slightest thing in a seemingly helpful (different!) way for another, but then make sure everyone knows and keeps on banging on about 'how they did X, how it helped, was so much better for them'....

These aren't helpful people, it's really undermining and rude- what makes it so frustrating is it's almost impossible to pull these people up on it without coming across as ungrateful, you have to say 'I didn't ask you to do that'....the answer will be 'I'm only trying to help...'

Passive aggressive in my eyes..YANBU

Ha I have the opposite situation. I have a friend who is in poor health. She always posts on social media how she never sees anyone, never gets Christmas presents as she has no family nearby, how she doesn't have anywhere to go at Christmas. Funny how I have invited her over every year for major holidays (which she comes to), always give her a present, always include her in things and she does have a sibling nearby. But nevertheless she's always pulling the sympathy card. Too needy.

I've found that people that run classes can do this. They teach a class on fitness, gardening, driving etc and suddenly start dispensing official sounding views on all sorts of totally unrelated topics: politics, the economy, property, lifestyle guru etc. People often sit and nod appreciatively as they spout crap to a willing audience. Always mystifies me.

The term for people like that is favor sharks. Like a loan shark only with favors you don't want, don't need, and didn't ask for.

Had a "friend" who I did loads for, but never asked for anything. I needed someone to just be at mine as I had an appt but had newly rescued an anxious dog. I said - just be there, watch tv or whatever. She knew he had issues - I'd explained. Came home & she'd steam cleaned my kitchen floor. 1) days a lot about what she thinks of my housekeeping 2) it freaked the dog out so badly, but she said she just carried on. Then I felt like I should say thank you - but what the fuck for????

My DM does this too always huge guilt trip attached too. Turns up to stay & "pops out", comes back with bleach & gloves & proceeds to ruin tea towels & bath towels slipping bleach everywhere.

My MIL op. I didn't realise what it was but DH has worked it out over years. He told me that all her life she has formed sudden and intense friendships which involve her doing way too much for the other person.

These friendships then fizzle out because MIL always gets hugely offended that the friend isn't doing thing for her in return.

It's weird. I don't know what it is.

It does sound like these people are well intentioned but can only function in a relationship as the useful or helpful person and can't see they're not helpful atall!

I remember watching big brother years ago and hearing the psychologists labelling people in these various ways of interaction.

There are rescuers in the world who don't actually help but take over, and resent deeply any rejection of their insisted style of 'help'.

Its like their help is only what they see as help instead of listening to what someone actually needs.

It's really common. Lots of services are like this too. They tell you what's helpful.

It must be very discombobulating for the rescuer who cannot understand why those they are rescuing are so ungrateful for their efforts!

Yes, my nanny who has a number of mh issues. Hugely exagerated sense of self, liked the glory

This is exactly what happened to my autistic daughter in yr 6. She was being badly bullied and a girl stepped in to help, brilliant. Only then she made the whole relationship about how kind she was band always patronised my (highly intelligent) daughter. Always had to do everything her way and got huge amounts of joy (as did her mum) from helping "poor" daughter. My daughter rebelled and this girl behaved worse to her than some of the bullies, she still does even now ( thankfully they're at different secondary schools so interactions are only at guides once a week). Her mum still sees it as her daughter's help was thrown back in her face by my ungrateful daughter. She doesn't need rescuing!

My DM and MIL are both a bit like this. I love them both to pieces but they will take it upon themselves to ‘help’ by doing things I didn’t ask for and don’t want or need, and sometimes make extra work for me anyway. Stop rearranging my kitchen FFS!

My mum was like this. As I didn't live near to her when she visited it would be for a few days. She would come into my home and decide when, where and how I was going to do normal household chores, chores that I managed to complete very easily and efficiently when she wasn't there.

As a pp has said it does make you feel undermined and controlled, I certainly wasn't listened to, just dismissed me whilst she carried on turning mine and the DCs routine upside down and creating more work for me.

Our relationship started to deteriorate as I started to stand my ground with her - her behaviour was effecting my children. We are now no contact, and my life is a lot less stressful. She will portray it as she was only trying to help, take an interest in us and that I am ungrateful but it wasn't, it was about control.

I've never heard the term favour sharks but I like it and think with these people it is very apt.

This is my dad. He likes to "rescue" people, and gets upset when they aren't grateful. He's always been this way to a certain extent but it's got a lot worse since he retired. He used to have his own company where he could control everything, and he's not adjusted yet to losing that level of control at work. All his interference is well intentioned, it just crosses the line and is too much.

It makes him really hard to talk to in some ways because if you make small talk about something, he'll take it as a cue that you want him to "fix" it. For example "I might need to look at changing my car this year, it's starting to get a bit old and unreliable". Two days later he'll call you from a garage saying "I've found a car for you, it's just what you need, I've negotiated the price so you just need to buy it over the phone..."

I'm sure some people would love that, but I like making my own decisions!

I've just woken up and not read the whole thread but omg favourshark.

Wow. That's it. That is absolutely it. Honestly this has been doing my head in for months and months.

She thought she was a favour shark but didn't realise that I actually wasn't grateful and racking up a debt of being beholdent to her because her favours were simply really fkng annoying.

But also, something I read last night on here about her using her new order as a way of ousting me out of my nest so she was Queen Bee. Does anyone know what that was about?

And she didn't want me to return the favours. She used them to create status and a sense of entitlement. Is that still a favour shark?

Still haven't managed to read the whole thread but 'praise junkie'. O.M.G. THAT. She is a massive, massive praise junkie.

'oh wow, you've rearranged all the tiles on the roof, wow, erm, you are so busy and amazing.'

Yes. Praise Junkie. Favour Shark.

You lot are bloody genius.