Has anyone else experienced that thing where someone is overbearing and interfering in an 'oh so helpful way' and then weirdly becomes over entitled because of it?

[OhioOhioOhio]

Wtf is it?

I have recently had a situation where someone helped me with childcare.

They think they were phenomenal. I think they were equally good and an absolute interfering pain in the backside.

But because they did all sorts of 'extras' that were actually really intrusive and uncalled for it somehow permitted them to be more entitled to an opinion, or something like that.

It's so immature and bizarre. I can't quite get my head around it.

Has this happened to anyone else?

Do you think other people believe their 'I did so much and they were so ungrateful' tales of woe?

We have a nanny who is a bit like this. She is lovely all the time however.

But we have noticed that she really relishes being needed /a crisis etc and loves to do it all. Like kids illness or when I had subsequent babies. She is much less enthusiastic about thr hum drum of daily grind. And reading and cooking properly etc.

And every week without fail she rearranges something to her preferred way. We've told her a million times but she doesn't care

My DM is like this. She likes feeling needed and being 'mum'. I'm 50. I asked her not to do stuff, and she would giggle and say 'you can't stop me doing xyz' and carry on, it was very undermining. Then she would say 'but I'm only trying to help, I'm not doing anything wrong' in a little girls voice. So i was the bad guy.

So why do you think these people feel entitled to bold over your idea and force their idea on you, in your space?

ValleyCloud
I could have wrote that.
At the moment one v close family member is suffocating me and drivìng me crazy with well meaning help.

Yes I get it, my partners auntie is just like this. She babysat for us once (yes I did appreciate it) but then starting dusting and emptying bins etc. I found it really rude actually. My house is not revolting with bins overflowing or a ridiculous amount of dust, it’s just normal. X

My DM is everything described here. It's controlling behaviour and she seems to need to control everyone else's lives.
It was my birthday on Sunday night and she was looking after my 2 children for the afternoon. (The first time we had been out in a year) however she flew into a rage and announced on the way home that I was a "selfish bitch" had "ruined her plans"
My DM has many MH issues and her general health is very bad at the moment. Despite this she's insistent that she cooks for the man next door who us 87 every day which is so lovely but then gets really offended and upset if he goes to see a friend and misses a meal.
We were mid house sale a few years ago and she paid for us to have a chimney repair to save the sale, eternally grateful and we are paying her back but this was also thrown at my DH and I on Sunday and how nobody else would do what she does for us.
Why be a martyr and insist that you cook Christmas dinner despite bad health and then make everyone feel guilty because you cooked. I know she needs to be needed and I've let her dictate what we all do for far too long. I'm so grateful for her help but when she throws it in my face at every opportunity the motives become questionable. I'm the one left feeling guilty because we aren't speaking following latest row.

Oh Gara that is spot on! My dm is like this. It’s a form of control, I think, and she is unable to view me as a separate person to her and am still a moronic 6 year old incapable of doing anything.

She will do things, usually cleaning or gardening, that I haven’t asked her to do, really overdo it and make herself unwell. We then have to endlessly praise and thank her or she gets offended and will make pass-agg comments about ‘how much work she did for us’ if an insufficient fuss is made. So bloody tedious!

Ooh sounds like you are writing an article with that question!!

Really relate to this thread as my DM is one of these people! Does things that are ‘nice’ but that I don’t ask for and then uses it against me when I disagree with her, ask her not to do something, tell her she’s upset me etc. ‘I always do x for you’ and it’s really annoying because I very rarely ask for the little ‘extras’ and would rather not have them because I know she then thinks I’m beholden to her in some way. It’s nice if there are no strings attached but not when people do that stuff to make themselves look good despite what you actually want.

I'm definitely not writing an article.

I just totally don't understand how someone who is nearly 60 can be so, so needy.

Yep my ILs - things like coming into our home, deciding they didn't like something and then going out and buying a replacement. Not asking us first, just thinking they know best because it's how they've got it in their house. Then getting the hump when we politely say thanks but no thanks

I have a relative like this. He'll do something like cook a nice meal or load the dishwasher (well, not just rammed in any old how) but then occasionally seems to need lots of "thanks, I couldn't have done it without you' type comments afterwards. Not just a sincere thank you but a litany of praise going on. It feeks like help with strings on.

I know someone like this. If you have her over for dinner, she’ll go and do the washing up right away. This sounds super kind but she does it really badly and keeps doing it even when told quite firmly that I actively don’t want her to.

She’s gone off me now.

Oh My.

This thread is like a billion bloody light bulbs pinging in my head.

We have had a dreadful situation in the past with someone who works with my child doing just this, alongside undermining us. It has been fucking awful.

There are rescuers in the world who don't actually help but take over, and resent deeply any rejection of their insisted style of 'help'.
Its like their help is only what they see as help instead of listening to what someone actually needs.
It's really common. Lots of services are like this too. They tell you what's helpful.
I think this describes our situation, I think it might be quite common with people who work with vulnerable people.

At the risk of pissing off everyone on the thread do you reckon it's an older woman syndrome? Someone who bigs up their contribution in the home?

I have found it absolutely infuriating that they somehow think their underhand 'success' is unnoticed. Its quite devious and sneaky.

ValleyCloud, also disabled here, and can only say AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH! and bang my head quietly on a wall.

I can't even bring myself to talk about the stupidly petty things a relative like this does.

It's done real damage to my relationship with that part of the family, because I'm simply not well enough to accommodate her "just being a PITA helpful", and her strops if she doesn't get her own way.

I don't think it's an older woman thing.

I think it's a case of they're actually quite selfish - the whole point is to gain praise and public recognition of them 'doing a good thing' they don't actually want to do a good thing, it's just a means of self gratification. Even better if it can be plastered across Facebook.

The reason it may seem like a woman thing, is that the easiest route to achieve what they are after is to do domestic type tasks.

But see pp dad organising a car for her, men definitely do it too.

My DP insists on putting himself out, to our detriment, by getting involved in other people's lives. It drives me scatty, and I'm sure sometimes people wish he would just piss off. But I have some mh issues and really just want to be left alone, as a rule, so I find it hard to judge what normal people would find helpful vs a complete fucking nuisance.

That's the bit that really makes my skin crawl. The oh-so-quiet yet public flaunting of their favour Shark Ness.

Love the shark favour term and praise junkie.

Not an old woman thing, this relative is male. I think he feels a bit lost since he retired tbh, so he does these things to try to feel useful. Though why he has to interfere with the housework instead of doing some of the DIY that DH is avoiding is beyond me.

I don't think it's an older woman thing either, because it sums up my eldest DD.

She is a Manager of vulnerable people and is really good at her job and committed to making people's lives better.

But bloody hell she suffocates the rest of us. She tried to sneak to a relatives house whilst she was asleep, so she could clean and prepare for Christmas. When said relative was getting up at midnight and going to do it (she works from 4am so had fell asleep early). It was so my DD could claim that she'd given her a Christmas.

She will challenge where I'm going shopping. I just pretend to go along with what she says.

Her friends take a break from her which is a shame, because she actually is a good person with unbelievable energy levels.

OK, so not quite the same thing as OP - but why do people do this? This happens to me A LOT!

Having a chitchat with someone

Example 1:
Them: What you are you doing at weekend
Me: going to a comedy festival, driving there, got parking booked
Them: oh you should go by train

Example 2:
Them: What are you doing tonight?
Me: going to the cinema, we have monthly passes
Them: oh you should try xx cinema instead

OK, I know it sounds trivial but I can't get my head round it.

Are they even listening to me?

Do they think they know better?

Are they just making polite chitchat with no regards to what they are saying?

I usually just smile and nod, but recently I've noticed it happening more and more with many different scenarios

@Ponoka7

But how does your daughter not know that’s really weird and unacceptable.
I’m not slaying her BTW. But it’s an odd thing not to realise that you cannot go into someone’s house at night and do that for them.