Has anyone else experienced that thing where someone is overbearing and interfering in an 'oh so helpful way' and then weirdly becomes over entitled because of it?

[OhioOhioOhio]

Wtf is it?

I have recently had a situation where someone helped me with childcare.

They think they were phenomenal. I think they were equally good and an absolute interfering pain in the backside.

But because they did all sorts of 'extras' that were actually really intrusive and uncalled for it somehow permitted them to be more entitled to an opinion, or something like that.

It's so immature and bizarre. I can't quite get my head around it.

Has this happened to anyone else?

My PILs used to do this a bit. They would let themselves in when we were away to water the plants (much appreciated!) but also tidy everything up and take random items (gloves, scarves) to the drycleaners. To be fair, they really thought they were helping and I miss them terribly.

Omg this entire thread is about my mother! The juice and tissues thing...yesss!
I totally get you op.

I once had a 'friend' who popped in and proceeded to wash the kitchen floor- actually cover it in an inch of water and rearrange my dining room. she then said in a mock scolding way 'Ooh I don't know how you can live like this!'
Now I would have the gumption to say GET OUT OF MY HOUSE but I bet she's still priding herself on helping poor old disabled me.

NotSorry

I mean more subtle than that. Like you say you are going to the cinema and then they polish your shoes and clean your car for you before you go.

It leaves you on the back foot. And first it does feel helpful and kind. But it moves the perameters of how someone would normally infiltrate your life. And then, next time, they take the shoes you are wearing out of your wardrobe and choose socks that much.
Then you are so stunned you don't say anything.
And eventually you are wtf about all of it.
Why would someone do that to you?

Oh so many lightbulbs! My MIL is one of these. She made a huge song and dance about how she'd help with the children if I went back to work after being a SAHM. I eventually found a job and her and my mum agreed to split the odd half day around nursery times. I was very grateful. Until I started coming home to find she'd done something in the garden, that I did not ask or want her to do. It went on for a while with me being a bit bemused and thanking her for her help and then moving on, but now whenever I say I'm going to do something in the garden she asks me where/why and tries to talk me out of it.

She also pester us about when we need help with the kiss, so we'll make sure to include her, the kids will go up for a night and then she's heard complaining about how she HAS to have the children. When DH eventually called her on that and said we would stop asking her for help, she acted as if we'd told her she could never see the children again.

She absolutely needs to be needed. Constantly. She's rapidly approaching 70 and can't bear to not be needed at all times. It makes me feel very claustrophobic and I've actually started refusing to see her without DH because I'm so sick of trying to navigate conversations about the house, kids, dog, garden etc and trying to be grateful for things she's done that haven't actually helped me very much, if at all, but which to the outside world look like she's facilitating my life. When I put DD into extra nursery hours so that she only needed collecting once a week MIL looked like I'd stabbed her...

HepziBah

But what is it they are actually doing? The juices and tissues thing was so NOTHING but it was definitely SOMETHING.
What are they actually doing, in their own head? I think it's the praise junkie thing. For that anyway.

I'm a good person yes it's true
I'm a good person better than you

But what is it they are actually doing? The juices and tissues thing was so NOTHING but it was definitely SOMETHING.
I have thought about this quite a lot...I think that it's more than one thing.
For my mother, her identity is very tied in with being Mum, so she feels the need to pre empt all the Mum things, and that's ultimately a control thing, but also she's very childish and competetive actually and there is definitely an edge of "look, I thought of this before you".. I have had to have words in the past...and now there's an exaggerated show of "is this ok, if I do this for my grandchildren, oh horrible bullying daughter?" The implication is that I'm controlling, when actually I am resisting being controlled.

The implication is that I'm controlling, when actually I am resisting being controlled.

Oh god, this. So much this.

Fk. Yes. Makes my blood boil.

I try and recognise now that they are basically inadequate but it's how they transfer that on to you that riles me most.

Is there a way anyone has of making their need for control apparent?

Its the whole way they organise themselves a licence to be superior that really, really gets up my nose.

That transference is not just riling but actually dangerous for me.

I don't have the capacity to do the additional work they make for me. If they've insisted on stowing my wheelchair the way they want to, so I can't get it out on my own... well, that can be me stuck indoors for days until I have another visitor willing to lift it out and restow it.

If their strop extends to publicly whining, "That's Perking's problem, she just won't accept help. Don't ask her as she just gets difficult," then the rest of the family stop offering. When actually I really need genuine help, and value it greatly.

You also are a magnet for people like this as a single mum. A lot of people assume you are struggling with life generally and any complaint or request for help is seen as a sign they need to take over.

I am inundated with suggestions as to how to manage my life more efficiently, although I successfully hold down a stressful job and manage an 8 year old. If I had a pound for the amount of lectures I had received about having more reliable childcare or a better cleaner. Or people arriving to unilaterally clear my garden or declutter my bedroom for me.

The one thing which single parents need help with above all else is childcare in order to allow them to get on with the very things which busybodies insist on doing for them. Strangely though I don’t get many people offering to look after my kid for two hours. Which is why I haven’t got around to decluttering my bedroom.

@PerkingFaintly

Yep.

See also people who grab on to a part of the wheelchair to "help" but are actually destabilising it, and making it harder to control. Particularly in my case grabbing at the remote console, and thereby knocking the joystick or switching the whole chair off mid manoeuvre

People refusing to listen when "helping" with footrests, just doing it however, and then not understanding why the bit of metal is a breaking point from being forced the wrong way, as you try and keep the anger out of your voice as you say "no, TOWARDS me" for what feels like the billionth time.

Not long after I had my second I had planned to feed the 2nd, go to playgroup, lunch feend 2bd again. Then organise myself to go to bank and to another few things pm.
My mum turn up before playgroup insisting she did my bank and other stuff. I said oh thanks for offering but I'm good, off to playgroup then sorting that out later and thanked her for offer. She then insisted to to point where got the stuff ready for her to do, missed playgroup and had nowt to do pm.
Arghhhh it really annoyed me as the offer was more than enough but she took over and stamped all aver my whole day!!!!!!

Some people just need you to do things their way...I definately recognise the cinema story...ie when you tell someone you are going the cinema and they tell you to go to another cinema. I once told someone I'd bought jars and he went on to tell me where I could have bought cheaper different ones. They dont accept what you have chosen to do as being ok and push for you to do things their way. It feels like there is no way out of it except to agree to what they want. Even saying "I will think about it" or "oh that's a nice idea" and change the subject doesnt work. They are "forcers".

Controlling martyrs

Infantilising their wards, when they should be encouraging greater self sufficiency, taking pride in their obvious 'work' when someone comes along and praises them and left with nothing to do or show for all their efforts when the person they're helping stops relying on them.

I honestly see a kind of Munchausen's here.

Weird.

I know someone who used to announce what she was doing, like it was fact and had been pre agreed, when it hadnt. Things like "I'm getting the wedding cake", "Im getting this and I'm getting that", it was so annoying.

Or @TabbyMumz

"My Godson" when they haven't actually been asked 😱

Valleyclouds....we used to get calls from sil asking what time she should bring mil for various events. Events he hadnt been invited to. Mil just presumed because she was MIL, she of course was invited and would be collected and delivered like royalty. It was awkward telling sil that she wasnt invited and she was then piggy in the middle, mil telling lies and expecting to be collected and us saying no she wasnt. It was things that were usually ticketed school events etc.

Saviour Complex is real

My DGM was the exact same. When DS was a newborn, she would come round with tupperware filled with food, but they'd be fish casseroles, fish pie, fish stew etc despite me not eating fish from a child. But I was told "You need the protein for the baby!".
Then the random "just popping in to get my dishes back" led to a 2hour visit when I just wanted to sleep!

Also, "I've organised your clothes drawer so it's all easier to find"....it was fine in the first place! Taking washing out of my linen basket to her house without me knowing "to save you time", which meant I often didn't see items for weeks.

The "I've been to the shops for you and bought x, y and z".

But I realised it was largely for her benefit, not mine...if you ever caught half of her conversation to friends or her sister, she relayed everything she did "to help" for the other person on the phone. I think she just enjoyed the warm feeling of being told "Oh it's good of you to do that...I think that's lovely...what a lifesaver you are".

You should all read ‘the mirror cracked’ by Agatha Christie. The way she describes Miss Knight her companion is exactly this. ‘Helping ‘ where no help is needed or wanted just to make herself look good.

I'll check that book out Lllot5 thanks.

The implication is that I'm controlling, when actually I am resisting being controlled I'm shocked by the clarity of that sentence - it sums up the last 44 years, my relationship with dm. I'm a very angry person apparently (though not a single person apart from her agrees).

In her case though I think it's partly a control thing, partly well-meaning but genuinely lacking the ability to put herself in anyone else's shoes.

Example 1:
Them: What you are you doing at weekend
Me: going to a comedy festival, driving there, got parking booked
Them: oh you should go by train

It was once mentioned in front of an ex's sister that I might visit him in another country during his work training. Without drawing breath, she launched into a lengthy travel lecture that Alan Whicker would have admired, discussing the various merits of train, car, plane, coach, possibly hitchhiking or swimming for all I knew as I started to go into a trance, ignoring my probably-subtle hints to change the subject. I'm sure that she meant well but it's nice to find these things out for yourself sometimes.

Yes I definitely know a few people like this, people who are really keen to help you out but to make themselves look good rather than for any other reason. They also like to keep you in the "victim" position but they would never see you as an equal.

You see it a lot with people working in charities, they see the people they help as below them, not as an equal.