Has anyone else experienced that thing where someone is overbearing and interfering in an 'oh so helpful way' and then weirdly becomes over entitled because of it?

[OhioOhioOhio]

Wtf is it?

I have recently had a situation where someone helped me with childcare.

They think they were phenomenal. I think they were equally good and an absolute interfering pain in the backside.

But because they did all sorts of 'extras' that were actually really intrusive and uncalled for it somehow permitted them to be more entitled to an opinion, or something like that.

It's so immature and bizarre. I can't quite get my head around it.

Has this happened to anyone else?

I see this in my SIL. Always trying to be one step ahead of me and undermine me a little.

For example, we were visiting with newborn DD and at that time I didn't live with DP. I have my elder child from a previous relationship and I had been bringing both children up by myself entirely. I was heating up a bottle for DD and changing her nappy while I waited for it to warm up. She was giving me handy hints throughout and rearranging my changing bag DP felt she was just trying to be helpful and that I was looking for reasons to be irritated with her but I have more children than she does and I've also done the majority of it singlehanded whilst working full time.

It's little things, like when we wash up at the in-laws, we will be getting along fine with the dishes and then I see her rummaging through their fridge looking for things to throw out. She never just bins anything she finds, she takes it all into them in the front room and reels off the dates. It's like she's glory hunting for going above and beyond.

Yes. In my experience they worked hard to make me an outsider in my own home to make them the expert and ensure I was on the outside of everything including my kids. Because I kept my mouth shut because, at that time I needed the situation to work, I was polite.

And of course she took more.

Yes. And if you stick up for yourself they become the victim.

A lot of the time, it's manipulation. Genuine help is when you've asked for it, and when someone does something the way you need it done. Help is respectful, kind, and quietly done.

Jumping in and 'saving' you from yourself by choosing to overstep the mark and doing something their way under the guise of 'help' is just control.

My DM is a pro at this. It's all for show.

But that's how it happened. Quietly, respectfully. And then. Boom. All of a sudden you are an outsider in your own family. Or so she thought.

As if you'd put up with that.

I know exactly what you mean op.

People that offer/agree to help, but actually just do a load of shot that you didn't want/need them to do, that's possibly caused you even more problems. Then acted like you owe them the world because they helped you out.

Oh God my mam does this and it drives me mad.

She'll help me by say, stripping my bed and washing the bedding. Nice, apart from the bit where she never remakes it so I have to.

Or she'll pop in to drop something off and 'put stuff away' which means I can't find it. Or put clothes in the wash even though they don't need it. (like my clean jeans from the bathroom where I'd left them to change into once I'd finished work. Came home and they were soaking wet in the washer which meant I had to seek around the house half dressed (had guests) to find something to wear.

It used to lead to screaming arguments when I lived at home.

But how can they not know its bullshit?

The people I’ve known who do this often have some major dysfunction in their own lives.

The ex-friend that did my dishes against my will is completely dysfunctional, house a wreck, kids not disciplined or even fed on any schedule, unhappy with her own health and appearance.

I think she does too much for others and will not allow anyone to help her with anything in order to feel superior in some way. In the end, she did something grossly unforgivable to me then acted like I was to blame. Lesson learned, I’ll stay away from people that are so dysfunctional in the future.

Healthy people don’t do this kind of “over-helping”. It’s controlling and manipulative.

I have an ex friend who thought of herself as a property expert. Despite the fact that my dh and I have bought over 20 properties (we have moved a lot), and she has bought 1 over 20 years ago, she decided that we could not possibly do it without her. She inundated me with every property on Rightmove (as if we hadn't thought of looking there). I would get at least 20 sent to me every day to which I would just reply politely that I'd already seen them, but thanks any way. She upped her game by registering with local estate agents (she had been totally perplexed by us viewing properties before they hit the internet), and was still determined to find us our dream home so she could be the hero. We ended up buying a house before it was on the open market as we had built up a good relationship with a local agent who knew we were serious buyers and let us see it first.

The house was a renovation project and we moved in and started drawing up plans she became an expert in extensions, The final straw was when an architect turned up that she had contacted without our permission (we were using another one) for an appointment to talk through HER plans. She had never even been in the house as I had been deliberately vague about the location and put off he4 multiple attempts to visit. She only found out the address from a mutual friend who hadn't realised how overbearing she was. The poor architect looked thoroughly confused as he thought he was going to look at a possible garage conversion into a larger kitchen, but the garage was at the end of a long drive away from the house.

I totally blanked her after that - ignored all messages and avoided at school. She moved her children to another school shortly after so I haven't seen her for years. I'm sure she thinks I am a total bitch for ending the friendship but I couldn't deal with the constant need of hers to sort my life out.

I’ve heard this described as “helpy” rather than helpful.

The person who did it to me would stage manage these 'perfect moments' with the kids and wait for praise whilst I did all the tedious tasks she didn't like. Then I'd find all these ridiculous self created jobs achieved, like rearranging cupboards, rooms or the garden.

But the part that sticks in my throat is the sense of promotion she gave herseld for being so supersonic. And how she knew she was trying to oust me from my comfort zone in my own home.

Omg. And bringing stuff from her house to my house that she thought I needed. Yuk.

Oh I quite like 'helpy'. Kind of says it without saying it.

This was my life growing up, this thread is very cathartic.

When my mother came to visit me when I’d just had my first baby she made a major thing out of tidying up everywhere. We were doing well and had a cleaner so there was nothing for her to do. It didn’t deter her at all she just invented stuff that caused me more work. Like taking a half empty bin out but then putting stuff in the bin with no liner in after so I ended up having to wash out the whole bin. She would also rewash already clean clothes and try and hoover when the baby was asleep. I kept my counsel though and smiled throughout otherwise I knew she’d get hysterical.

I thought I’d survived it all intact but she’d had me all along. She had made this big deal about not bothering us so didn’t want to stay in our house so I made arrangements for her to stay in a nice 4 star hotel at the end of the road. When she went home she told everyone that I’d banished her to a hostel and she was terrified to sleep at night so had to barricade herself in after spending all day doing my cleaning.

Favour Shark
Praise Junkie
Needy
Superior
Helpy

Anymore?

I'd add smothering, perhaps because it's my dm.

I don’t know to call it but it effects me to this day.

Even with my friends my mother would always ‘helpfully’ tear them apart criticising them. She was absolutely delighted when one day walking along with my mother I’d waved at an old friend in the street and they hadn’t seen me so walked passed. I didn’t think anything of it I can do this sometimes, but afterwards various relatives were recounting the episode of me being ‘blanked in the street’ as if it was a funny scandal. I was always frightened to tell her anything because she always made me feel like shit that none of my friends cared or liked me over the slightest thing.

My mother is also like that @whiskybysidedoor all of my friends without exception are users who only want my friendship for personal gain

My father was similar and once asked a friend of mine who had come to hang out if they were at the house spending time with me for credit for Duke Of Edinburgh.

The fact that no one had ever volunteered at our house to spend time with me for Duke Of Edinburgh credit had either escaped him, or it was intentional cruelty likely the latter.

The irony is, my friend wasnt in the DofE scheme at all, and was baffled. I WAS, and did voluntary work for it

My father was similar and once asked a friend of mine who had come to hang out if they were at the house spending time with me for credit for Duke Of Edinburgh.

OK, that's a special sort of nasty.

Oh that brilliant vid above has led me to another.

For all of us on here....

After Everything I've Done for You (That You Didn't Ask For)

This is exactly like my mother.
It is s combination of narcissism, control and martyrdom. Complete lack of respect for boundaries.

I also just want to add that I love my mother very much and she is wonderful in many other ways.

See whiskybysidedoor that is really horrible, but I don't think it's exactly the same. Helpy people are not about being just downright nasty. It's not that I don't think, it's a sort of relentless overbearingness, outwardly kind seeming.
So, most people who know mother would say she's a very nice kind person who would do anything for anyone and she is- but there's an element of TOO MUCH that tips over into passive aggressive controlling.

Hepz

Exactly.

And it's a sneaky too much that leaves you looking ungrateful.

‘Helpy’ is perfect.

My DM does I think mean well and doesn’t do it from the praise for others as such, but there’s definitely a strong element of the main thing being her feeling/seeming helpful, and never mind how useful I find it.

She has for example:

• ripped up plants from the garden that she thought were weeds;
• washed clothes that weren’t in the washing basket, so they were damp and drying when needed;
• ‘sorted out’ the kitchen and various cupboards in the kitchen so that I can’t actually FIND anything for ages afterwards;
• thrown out food from the fridge that I was defrosting for that night’s dinner (because she was going through the fridge checking best-before dates and didn’t realise it had been in the freezer);
• when staying with us she kept tidying away the things I left out ready for work in the morning, so I’d be up at 6.15am tiptoeing about the house trying to hunt down my shoes and bag and coat that I’d carefully left on my desk chair.

None of these are things I’ve asked her to do or even close to things I’ve asked her to do and many are things I’ve asked her NOT to do. But still I get from other family, “oh she does so much for you!” and I have to bite my tongue not to say no, actually, she does stuff AT me.