To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

When I see a man with a gf 20 years younger than him I think "sad bastard". It makes him look pretty pathetic.

In the thread you mention the much younger woman had started a relationship with a married father. I wouldn't say anything but I do judge that sort of person. Both of them.

Why do you go after men for their (older) age?

Surely you must have something in common with someone who is from the same generation as you?

Do you think men your age are immature?

Simply not true. I've met 40/50 year old men who still act like 16 year olds. Fucking sad.

When I see a man with a gf 20 years younger than him I think "sad bastard". It makes him look pretty pathetic.

Yep

I know 3 happy couples with age gaps of around 15 years. No money in any of this relationships but plenty of mutual respect, shared interests and love. Only one is a second marriage and no affair.

Have you seen the rage on here about loo brushes? People love to get het up about things they might not normally give much thought never mind stew over.

I’m glad you’re happy.

Two categories of people. Adults and non-adults. Adults are free to be with whoever they choose as long as they choose another adult IMO. There’s no real reason why they shouldn’t.
Although personally I would find it icky to be with a man old enough to be my father, I have zero right to stand in judgment of OP or anyone else. Live and let live I say.

Men who always go for much younger women do so in my opinion because younger women are easier to manipulate and control. I would seriously question why any man would “only” go out with younger women- what’s wrong with women his own age? And what happens in 10 years time when his current girlfriend is older?- does he trade them in for a younger model? It’s gross and men who target much younger women are gross.

Because the vast, vast majority of age gap relationships are younger woman, older man.

If it was really about a meeting of minds/soul mates type relationship, then it would be a lot more 50/50.

But usually there is money and power involved (and they are attractive consciously or subconsciously) and money and power are more likely to be held by men because of, well because of the patriarchal structures we still live in - namely that men are allowed to focus on their careers while women do the majority of unpaid labour.

True equality will mean as many older woman- younger man relationships as the other way round!

I’ve no issue with age gaps and have predominantly dated men older than myself. Current DP is 17 years older than me and is very young at heart.

My DB has been married for 25 years to someone 20 years his junior. She is 49, he is 69. Both very happy.

No one on here knows how much you and he have in common so we can’t judge that.

But we know older men and what they and their peers go through to get to 47. And it couldn’t be more different to being in your 20s. That’s why we know it is unequal and unlikely to last.

I think age gap relationships can work and I know a few successful ones. I think they're less likely to be successful though because sometimes the older man us attracted to the fact the woman is young, care free, always wears make up, higher sex drive, no responsibilities etc which will all be things that will change in time. The woman is sometimes attracted to the guy because he's more mature than 25 year old men who have recently left uni, he's probably better travelled, more sophisticated, financially more stable, less into drinking with mates etc. This is fine when he's 45 but in 5-10 years guys her own age will have grown up and the suave older man might be fat, bald and beginning to have back pain/erectile disfunction and the relationship is less exciting.

Obviously that isn't always the case but it is sometimes a factor. I'd especially be cynical about a man who is prepared to cheat on his wife when he has a young child and a woman who is prepared to enable him to do so.

*Because the vast, vast majority of age gap relationships are younger woman, older man.

If it was really about a meeting of minds/soul mates type relationship, then it would be a lot more 50/50.*

Yup.

And in my experience the women who say "Oh gosh men my own age are so immature and I'm so much better suited to older men" turn out to be much less interesting and much more shallow than they believe themselves to be. There's nothing inherently more 'deep' about men in their 40s or 50s, particularly those men who will only date women young enough to be their daughters.

My ex is 25 years older than me. The idea of him having power over me is funny, financially I was and am the higher earner. We didn’t even know the age gap was that much for about 3 months, as he looked a lot younger when we met. And as I was quite ‘old’ for my years he presumed I was older.
I find physically im more attracted to men who are older just because the things I find physically attractive such as silver hair and laughter lines come with older people attached!

I think when you’re in your 20s and they’re in their 40s that’s far more attractive than when you’re in you’re 50s and they’re in their 70s... age matters more as you get older. Sad but true. In many, many ways.

If I knew you personally, to hear your disappointment, I would nod and smile. Inwardly, I may wonder what daddy issues you had that meant you wanted an ageing bloke, but I would never say that to you. I also wouldn't, as a late 40s female want to hang out with you, but I wouldn't say that either. However, you would be inwardly disappointed with me presumably, rather than being as rude as to allude to it outwardly, so all would be fine! You can date whoever you want.

I've always gone with the half your age plus 7 as a useful guide for workable age differences, so for a 26 year old, the oldest a partner should be is 38. A 47 year old shouldn't be with anyone under 30.
That's my opinion, obviously some will disagree.

Although it clearly works sometimes, most of the time there is an imbalance of power and that isn't healthy.

I'm always slightly suspicious because quite a lot of age gap relationships to me seem imbalanced.
Once everyone involved is a legal adult it's to each their own as far as I'm concerned, but I do find it weird, especially considering that most of them are younger woman/older guy.
Still, biggest age gap I ever had in a relationship was 6 months, and my current gap is only 1 month. This wasn't intentional but I dont think I'd go for a big gap.

Age gap relationships can work, but I'm a bit hmm about anyone (usually a woman) who claims they only date older/younger as there's nothing inherently typical about older/younger men/women so it says more about them than anything else.
It's the dating version of "oh I'm not really friends with women. I'm only friends with men. Women are too bitchy".

Like others, I think it's interesting that most large age gap relationships seem to be older man/younger woman.

** to clarify, I'm not saying only women date older/younger, just that whilst some men may prefer to date someone young enough to be their daughter, you tend not to hear "I'll only date 22 year olds because they've got better tits and are more likely to worship me", whereas I've frequently heard women say "I only date older men as they're more mature/more secure in themselves etc".

@Lolasmiles, for me it’s not that I ‘only’ date guys Who are older (I once dated someone 12 years younger than me in fact) it just as a general ‘type’ I like greying hair, and laughter lines and beards —and like they need a shower according to my friends— and that usually means they are older than me. Though as I get older it’s less of a problem

So long as the age gap couple are happy then what's it to do with anyone else?
It's not for me personally, but each to their own. Live and let live I say.

At 26 and 47, it doesn't feel like that big a gap. But, at 56, with another 10-14 years of working ahead of you, he'll be pushing 80.

I think my problem is that I have changed so much myself in just the last ten years (I'm 31) that going out with someone ten years younger seems absurd to me. It's like fucking a teenager?!... Plus, if the goal is grow old together it seems impractical and unfair to the younger one.

But then, I did enjoy Gloria and her husband from Modern Family, so...

Why are you always dating someone so much older?

I can't imagine dating a 70 year old...(same age gap as yours - it's revolting to imagine dating such a saggy old man right now - won't be weird when I get there)