Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

756 replies

Daxilove · 30/12/2019 22:52

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?! Confused

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 31/12/2019 00:33

I think a lot has to do with the menopause as well, which is why men in their 50’s run off with sexually active younger women

Is that the menopause or is that the man?

Deadringer · 31/12/2019 00:37

Well we are all different aren't we? I have never found older men attractive, every boyfriend I have had is younger than me, even if only by a few weeks. My mum was 20 years younger than my dad and ended up caring for him. My sister's dh is 20+ years older than her and I just can't see the attraction at all. It wasn't so bad when they were younger but now my sis is late 50s and looks amazing, her dh is turning 80 and looks ancient. So I suppose when I see attractive young women with aul fellas I am cynical about the reasons behind it, especially if the man has a few bob.

danadas · 31/12/2019 00:38

I am just wondering what camp I fall in to (unless I am the exception to the rule!)

I don't have Daddy issues.
I am the higher earner.
I have a normal sex drive.
I wasn't the OW
OH didn't run off and leave a menopausal woman behind.
He doesn't have loads of money.

Have I missed anything?!

motherheroic · 31/12/2019 00:39

I've noticed that a lot of people on this site defend men going after younger women, even teenagers and always have some excuse/romantic story about the teenage girl being 'mature'. But as soon as it's the other way around 'it's grim' and 'get some dignity'. Doesn't add up.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 31/12/2019 00:42

I still say daddy issues @danadas whether you recognise them or not - that's always been the case in my experience and friends have very rarely realised that they have any kind of issues at all but they always do when their partners are 20+ years older than them.

motherheroic · 31/12/2019 00:43

And the people who lean on the 'as long as it's legal' excuse need to exercise a bit of critical thinking. How would you feel about you 16 y/o shacking up with someone 30+? It is legal after all.

danadas · 31/12/2019 00:45

@InvisibleWomenMustBeRead fair enough. I've just Googled daddy issues and it suggests an absent or abnormal relationship but I don't fit into either. I feel like I have a very normal relationship with him but maybe not!

RubyMeer · 31/12/2019 00:53

did you watch Gold Digger on BBC iplayer? its fab and an interesting take on a 60 year old woman having an affair with a man the same age as her kids

Sh0na · 31/12/2019 00:54

Was your partner unable to connect with a woman near his own age?

That doesn't paint him in a great light to be fair.

Willyoujustbequiet · 31/12/2019 00:54

For big age gaps that way round I too would think daddy issues and sad bastard who cant handle women of his own age who wont let themselves be manipulated and easily controlled.

Besides older women and younger men makes far more sense.....he can keep up with her sex drive and women tend to live longer so it evens out.

eaglejulesk · 31/12/2019 00:55

Wow - there are some judgemental people here!! Enjoy dating whoever you want to, whatever their age, and enjoy your life OP.

Amortentia · 31/12/2019 01:02

My OH is about 10 years older than me and I think that’s pushing it as an age gap. As someone who’s in the mid 40s age range I couldn’t image being in a relationship with a twenty something, too weird.

My advice to you is enjoy dating men who are still in their sexual prime instead of getting stuck with an older guy who’s sexual appetite and capabilities is about to decline.

AlexaShutUp · 31/12/2019 01:09

I think you should date whoever you choose, but I'm afraid I can't help but wonder about the motivations of an older man who chooses to date a woman so much younger than himself. In your mid twenties, you have such limited life experience. At this stage in my life (mid forties), I just can't imagine wanting to be with someone who had only left university a few years earlier.

And yes, I would hate the idea of becoming a carer at this age for a much older partner. It's bad enough having to support ageing parents, but at least my DH is able to help with that. If I had to care for him as well....

Toorahtoorahaye · 31/12/2019 01:24

The issue is more with an older man who wants to be with a much younger woman - just doesn’t sit well and isn’t attractive at all.

Celebritydave · 31/12/2019 01:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Savingforarainyday · 31/12/2019 01:34

I think sometimes people in big age gap relationships actually are unhappy and at odds with themself.

OwlBeThere · 31/12/2019 01:40

@danadas
I am just wondering what camp I fall in to (unless I am the exception to the rule!)

I don't have Daddy issues
I am the higher earner.
I have a normal sex drive
I wasn't the OW
OH didn't run off and leave a menopausal woman behind.
He doesn't have loads of money

Same here. Had for another poster to suggest that you must have daddy issues is ridiculous and rude.

OwlBeThere · 31/12/2019 01:41

@Savingforarainyday I think many people in many relationships are unhappy with themselves. As are many single people.
The amateur psychologists are out in force on this thread.

OwlBeThere · 31/12/2019 01:44

@AlexaShutUp...and again with the generalisations, many people in their mid twenties have a ton of life experience.

Savingforarainyday · 31/12/2019 01:47

@owlbethere

Ok, how's this: from observation, it seems that many men who only date younger women seem to be struggling with the idea of getting older.
Not everyone. Some.

OwlBeThere · 31/12/2019 01:51

'Silver hair and laughter lines' soon turn into combovers and misanthropy

Well yes, no person stays physically the same as when you meet them do they? Whether they are the same age, younger ir older. Everyone’s physical appearance changes, but when you first meet people you are often attracted by looks is what I mean. I haven’t exclusively dated people who fit that type by any means, but it has a baring.

And I have a friend who married a man 5 years younger who had a catastrophic injury when he was 23. The fact your friend dislikes her husband has nothing to do with his age, and age doesn’t have much baring physical/mental disability either.

OwlBeThere · 31/12/2019 01:54

@Savingforarainyday, of course some are. All I’m saying is you can’t generalise because every relationship and person is different.

Sadiesnakes · 31/12/2019 01:58

And in my experience the women who say "Oh gosh men my own age are so immature and I'm so much better suited to older men" turn out to be much less interesting and much more shallow than they believe themselves to be. There's nothing inherently more 'deep' about men in their 40s or 50s, particularly those men who will only date women young enough to be their daughters.

This.

Peacocking · 31/12/2019 01:58

I used to manage a large residential care home. Until then I'd never given age gaps much thought, certainly had no real negative opinion of them. Once I was working in the care home I started noticing late middle aged women coming in with doddery, elderly men. The women would be tired and low. When they'd got together with a man a couple of decades older than them it hadnt occurred to them (as it wouldnt have done to me) that they might end up being a carer for a sick, grumpy elderly man with dementia to a lesser or greater degree at the age they expected to start having a life of rest, retirement and travel. Or that care home fees were going to start swallowing money, or that they'd be in tears begging for respite care for their partner when they themselves were still not old. I never saw this situation reversed with an older women and younger man.

I would avoid too much of an age gap (were I ever to date again!) as a result.

Scarsthelot · 31/12/2019 02:00

In all honesty, I have never met a man or women, that consistently dates much younger people who hasnt got serious issues and they always enjoy the power imbalance.

The same for people who only date much older people, usually a complicated history with a parent.

I am sure some work out wonderfully. But they are usually the ones where the people havent purposely sought someone of a certain age.

I also accept that any of us could have to care for our partners at anytime. But when you are with someone 20 years older, the chances of that happening are far greater and it does rob the younger one of a whole chunk of their life.

Swipe left for the next trending thread