To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

Problem is, a 'young stud's' 22 y.o. fertile, virile sperm, would not change the fact that a woman in her mid 40s, has eggs that are 'well-past-their-sell-by-date. So the young sperm isn't much good if the eggs are a quarter century older.

I'm not sure why we settled on mid 40s as the age range for fancying younger man, but if a woman is at the tail end of her fertile years and wants a baby she needs all the help she can get. And it is a fact that younger men have healthier sperm which is more likely to result in a viable pregnancy. Again, if older men are so biologically wonderful, why do sperm banks turn away donors over the age of 40?

So I also cannot fathom why a woman wants a man young enough to be her son either. And it's also weird (IMO.)

I find the idea of anyone wanting to be with someone young enough to be their son/daughter to be pretty grotesque, regardless of gender.

But why would a young early 20-something man want a middle aged woman in her mid 40s or older?

It seems quite a few young men like the idea of a brief fling with an 'experienced' older woman (or so I'm told.....) But yeah, I'm sure most fit young men want to be with fit young women their own age. And the reverse.

AlenanderHAlexander

‘As I said previously, IME the women that accept the advances of older men (rather than being horrified and rejecting them outright) often have had difficulty with men of their own age, because it looks if personality, that the older man is happy to overlook’

This has made me 😂 It’s a good job DH overlooked all my defects in personality and appearance of which, I’m sure he’d agree, there are many!

Where in here has anyone said that they are comfortable with middle-aged men chasing teenagers?
Really? What else are the "age is just a number donchaknow?" posters saying?

I was two months from nineteen when i started dating DH
And more mature than any other 18 yr old I'm sure. Why else would a 40+ man wish to 'date' you?
Look, I can see how defensive and angry you are and I can assure you that I don't find your situation, or any similar, amusing. Surely on another level even you can understand why it seems so sad to others?

No 18 year old has enough 'life experience' or 'maturity' to appeal to a normal 30+ partner. They just don't. There are definite 'issues' going on but I guess people on the 'outside' can't be 100% sure what they actually are and the younger the partner is, the less likely they'll (on the inside) will have an awareness. Again, that is WHY they appeal to the older party. So easy to manipulate and not even realise it.

I just wonder what will happen in the future when a woman who is with a man in his mid forties is in her forties and he is pushing 70 plus. I am married to someone who is in his mid 60s and I find him a boring old fart some of the time lol.

DH is 16yrs older than me, I’m now 37 and he is 53 but we met when I was 30 and he was 46. It’s definitely not about money as we barely have a pot to piss in and it’s never been about money as I’m the breadwinner and always have been. It’s about mutual attraction, shared interests and the fact that we treat each with respect, support each other and are there for each other 100%. We are also in love with each other. Sounds like any other relationship doesn’t it? In fact sounds better than most of the relationships you read about on here tbh. The age makes no difference, it’s a personal choice and actually has nothing to do with anyone else anyway

No one said individual relationships were anyone else business. However, op asked for opinions and went from there

No one is denying that a relationship with an age gap can be great.

I totally get, meeting someone and clicking., having feelings and it developing and that there happens to be an age gap.

But when someone only dates people considerably older or younger, it's weird and that person usually has issues. And the argument of 'so you would discount someone because they are older? How shallow', doesnt cut it since if you only date a certain age range you are also excluding people based on age.

Regarding the point about older women eggs. If a woman is reaching the end of hee fertile years and her eggs arent at their optimum then of course better quality sperm.

And also loads of men dont want kids, they have kids because their partners want them. Which is why so many men make piss poor fathers when a marriage breaks down. So being with an older women, for those men would make more sense. An older woman, established career, their kids grown up, no chance of accidental pregnancy. Sounds great for them.

As women with careers become more the norm, I think we will see an increase in younger men with older women.

Also plenty if older women are prime targets for cock lodgers. Especially, when they get divorced and have assets and a career. It's becoming more common.

Lets not pretend that some people, of both sexes, do not seek partners based on financially security as the main requirement.

No one is denying that a relationship with an age gap can be great.

Well actually I spoke about my not particularly large age gap relationship and all the reasons why it works and was basically told that everyone is laughing at me so...

The sinister ones are those (usually men) that will only date much younger women and purposefully seek them out. If you meet naturally through work or hobby both single and one of you happens to be abit older I wouldn’t think twice about it.

@MsTSwift agreed

I'm late 40s and I date younger men. Up to 20 years younger. As long as they are age 25+ they are proper adults and I don't consider it creepy. Most of my partners have been aged 28-35.

Why do I do it? Because youth is attractive. And there are large numbers of young men with a MILF fantasy they want to fulfil so they are easy catches. I am still slim with a good figure and I'm fairly sure they do find me physically attractive. Feeling desired by a younger man is fun. The sex is good. There are much slimmer pickings in my own age group. Fewer single men and most are not in good shape and/or have undesirable traits that have kept them in the singles market.

It's not the same as the power imbalance between the younger woman/ older man in my opinion. The young men are upfront about not wanting a relationship and I know if I were expecting long term if be disappointed. None of the men I've dated has shown any interest in my money, despite me being much better off than they are. They are not interested in being taken out to flash places or moving in. They are interested in sex. They are wary of the 30 something women because those women want to settle down and have children. They don't want that and they know I don't either, so no risk there.

I do date some 40 something's and I date those with a view to a relationship. To no avail so far. Maybe I'm creepy 🤷‍♀️

I don't have a problem with age gap relationships, but I'm not in one myself. There is only 12 months difference between my husband and I and we have been together since we were teenagers. I love the fact that we are experiencing things at the same time at the same pace, not one much older than the other.
I would worry that the older person in a relationship may fall naturally into the role of being in charge and thinking they ar emore knowledgeable etc because they are older. I don't think my parents would like it if I was with someone of a similar age to them either.
But most of all, when they are 80 and you are only 60 I would feel sad that you won't get as long to be together

Maybe I'm creepy

In my opinion, yes you are.

Also finding quite sad that someone enjoys being some young lads real life porn fantasy

Sorry, I do think it's creepy when someone in their 40s dates someone in their 20s.

@Scarsthelot it's just sex. Sex is meant to be fun. Current lovers are aged 29 & 30. These are men plenty old enough to be married with children if they had chosen to do so, not teenage boys. The men are old enough to know what they're doing and so am I. I don't see how people can judge it unless they judge all casual sex. I don't see how it's less moral than any other casual sex situation.

You might see casual sex as sad I suppose, but when you've been single a long time it's either that or doing without altogether. It may well be a sad situation, but in the absence of a relationship that's how it is.

I didnt say I saw casual sex as sad.

I said being their chance to act out some porn, and being flattered by it is sad.

I didnt make a moral judgement. You seem to reading things into what I said. Perhaps you need to think about, why.

@Scarsthelot you think I'm creepy and a porn fantasy. That's a judgement. I didn't read into anything. I'm not offended, because I don't care. Although porn is so prevalent I would say women are viewed by most men through a pornified outlook.

I have dated men this year aged between 48 and 54 with a view to a relationship, but for casual sex younger is better. Young bodies are more physically attractive. All the other aspects of a relationship (shared values etc) are not important.

My criteria for sex is looks, ability and respect. I don't entertain men who are not single, or who want to treat me like a whore.

For relationships obviously there is more at play and I know I would be unlikely to find a considerably younger partner who was the right fit for something serious. I'm not going to trap these young men into a childless marriage with an old woman and thought that any of them would agree to that is laughable.

This is where it differs from the younger woman / older man dynamic. There are young women out there who are willing to sacrifice their youth in such a relationship. A minority, but still more of them than their male counterparts.

you think I'm creepy and a porn fantasy. That's a judgement.

It's not a moral judgement. You, yourself, said these younger men sleep with you because of a MILF fantasy.

I get it, you see it as you are the experiences older woman of their fantasies. I dont see it like that. They have a milf fetish and they dont particularly care who fulfills it.

You make a blanket statement that young bodies are more attractive and yet believe they think opposite. Do you also think the men you are seeking a relationship with are just settling with you?

So yes, I find it creepy and sad. You may not like it. But that's my opinion. The same as I would if it was a man that goes out seeking casual sex with only younger people.

I wouldnt choose to be in a relationship with someone, who deep down, thought I wasnt attractive because I am in my late 30s.

When I got divorced at 34, there were young men in their early 20s that were making it clear they were available to me. Several at work. They werent even subtle. My team found their flirting hilarious. I thought it was weird and creepy.

Oh and women here in relationships with older men do not feel they are sacrificing their youth. That's judgement on them, that you are making, that they disagree with.

I was just reading this and it reminds me of me and my Dad who is 18 years older than me. When I was in my 20s someone asked if he was my husband which he found flattering and I found annoying! I soon put them right.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7850121/Lady-Kitty-Spencer-29-wed-80million-fashion-tycoon-Michael-Lewis-60.html

Depends on the age gap. 20 years is not good in the long term, speaking from seeing the fall out several times over. Only 10 year or so isn't anything much.

@Scarsthelot the MILF thing - some of them buy into it, some not. I do point out that to hopefuls I'm not actually that experienced, having been with a single partner for most of my life during my marriage. I don't think of myself as a teacher or sex siren and most men of around 30 don't need that.

If I were in my 30s I probably wouldn't chose to date younger, as there are plenty of suitable 30 somethings to date. I dunno, I was married (to man of similar age) throughout my 30s.

Once you reach your late 40s though the options among similar age people really dwindle. And yeah, the pick of the crop at that age often choose to date younger further diminishing the options for the older woman. Men who are single at 45-55 often have undesirable traits. Many are significantly overweight with unhealthy lifestyles. As someone who looks after myself, I would like similar.

Some of the behavior among 40s men I've dated have been shocking. Turning up obviously under the influence of drink or drugs, kissing and groping me roughly and making me fear for my safety. Repeatedly asking to turn up at my house when I've never met them before. There was no second date with any of those people, it's no wonder I choose to have casual with younger men, most of whom have been well behaved.

It's true that historically men did generally go for younger women however I think there has been a sea change in the last couple of decades (at least). With women becoming more independent and stronger coupled with the fact that women in their 50's, 60's and yes 70's and beyond, can still be fit, intelligent and sexy, men don't have the monopoly on this anymore.

I'm in my mid-50's and my partner is in his mid 30's. We met online and of course at first I questioned him and his motives, almost driving him away because of my insecurity, but after three happy years together I realise it is a meeting of minds and we are equals in everything we do. He is very mature and has given me almost total confidence in myself with his consistency and maturity and total acceptance of me and the age gap does not factor. I can't believe I have grown so much emotionally and achieved such self-assurance because of him. Of course I am reflective of what can happen in the future but he seems totally assured that he loves me and I admire his ability to not let it trouble him - I on the other hand overthink tremendously!

It does help that I do look younger and keep fit, without being obsessive. I have in the past dated men considerably older than me and men my age, as well as younger men (but never such a big age gap), but something was always lacking.

When you see older, fairly unattractive men with younger trophy wives it does just seem to look so cliched and I abhor men who leave their wives and children to go off with someone younger when they hit their mid-life crisis, but saying that, I believe age gap relationships can work and if you love the bones of someone and have an almost perfect relationship bar the age difference then it works.

Lovely post @Blueredemption, shows that we are all different and different situations work very well for different people. Wishing you continued happiness!

(Can’t believe I’ve used ‘different’ 3 times in one sentences... )