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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

756 replies

Daxilove · 30/12/2019 22:52

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?! Confused

OP posts:
Skolkolet · 30/12/2019 23:37

Small minded people who prefer to paint you as vapid, or to cod psychologise you ("daddy issues".... how very 1920s)- why on earth would you listen to them?!

Live your life and be happy.

MistyCloud · 30/12/2019 23:41

@Daxilove

Interesting first post. Hmm

Biscuit
Peakypolly · 30/12/2019 23:44

I think a big age gap can work in certain circumstances, a genuine attraction is blind to age, but most of us can spot the saddo’s (usually, but not exclusively, male) who actively pursue a much younger partner because external factors in a partner reinforce their self worth and therefore help in chronic cases of dwindling self-belief.

Sparklynails7 · 30/12/2019 23:49

I'm 23, so close to your age. You say you date men in their late 40s? That's my dad's age! Makes me feel kind of icky just thinking about it. My partner is my age and although he has a childish sense of humour, he is so respectful and selfless. Not like an immature teen, which men in their 40s can still act like!

Somanysocks · 30/12/2019 23:49

Couldn't be with someone old enough to be my father bleurgh 🤮

danadas · 30/12/2019 23:49

I never realised that on MN, age gap relationships were looked down on until I read this thread!

OH is 19 years older than me. Works for us.

Original poster
Daxilove · 30/12/2019 23:54

For me, I’m not of the opinion that dating an older man automatically means they are more mature. I’ve come across plenty of very immature men twice my age who will probably never grow up. Personally I date older men simply because I’m more physically attracted to them.

OP posts:
Ambrose2 · 30/12/2019 23:54

I've always fancied men in their thirties the most. Which when I was 18 raised many eyebrows (and daddy issues comments) but has not changed, so now that I am getting older then those men are the same age as me. I'm not sure if I'd ever date someone younger than me but that's more by accident than design. I have always struggled to fancy men who still looked like boys, but equally I don't fancy old men. I think most people come into themselves in their mid thirties, because they've had some time to figure out who they are, and are also clearer about what they want and how their futures are likely to be. I think there are definitely people who get their sooner and those that get there later, so age gaps aren't always terrible, but frequently they do mean there's an imbalance of power. I have been in an abusive relationship with a big age gap and a negligible one though (months).

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 31/12/2019 00:00

Daddy issues and sad bastard are what come to my mind when i hear about age gap relationships.

NameChangeNugget · 31/12/2019 00:01

YANBU at all. I was always attracted to much older men in my 20’s too.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/12/2019 00:07

What was/is your relationship like with your own father OP?

thepeopleversuswork · 31/12/2019 00:08

I don’t think there’s anything intrinsically wrong with it. Have dated men 10+ years younger than me and my current bf is five years younger.

But as someone else pointed out it’s the fact that it’s heavily skewed towards older men with younger women. And when a middle aged man seeks out multiple partners who are young enough to be his daughter it tends to suggest he is more comfortable with a built-in power imbalance in the relationship and that he is likely footloose because his first wife or partner has been left to do the bulk of rearing his kids while he indulges his never ending mid-life crisis Which is yuck, and if you stay together long enough if will become a major turn-off.

Desolate2nite · 31/12/2019 00:12

Age is irrelevant. It's about attraction and integrity. Enjoy yourself x

Original poster
Daxilove · 31/12/2019 00:12

@AtrociousCircumstance left my DM before I was born, I’ve never met him.

OP posts:
MistyCloud · 31/12/2019 00:14

@Daxilove

My DF left my DM before I was born, I’ve never met him.

That explains a lot. Wink

adviceplease32 · 31/12/2019 00:16

Ah, no father figure? That will be why you prefer older men.

As long as you are happy though, that's all that really matters.

HohohoHahaha · 31/12/2019 00:16

I always think that there is something not quite right with the older person in the relationship, from every sugars daddy man I have known to Caroline Flack.

Thistle23 · 31/12/2019 00:17

each to their own as long as they are above legal age 🤷‍♀️

I'm the same age as you and I couldn't be with someone near enough the same age as my dad Confused

Puta · 31/12/2019 00:18

One of my friends always went for much older men.

Now she's trapped, nursing a man she hates after his latest, devastating stroke.

'Silver hair and laughter lines' soon turn into combovers and misanthropy.

Nanny0gg · 31/12/2019 00:18

You wait till you're 56 and he's 77. You will notice the age gap then.

YellowJellyfish · 31/12/2019 00:20

God forgive me for judging but when I see young women with old men i think "daddy issues" and low sex drive.

Men in their 45+ are sadly not renowned for their sexual prowess which rapidly starts to decline over the next decade. Mind is able but not their body. Which suits a young women with daddy issues.

Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 31/12/2019 00:22

I'm about your dp's age OP and I work with lots of people in their 20s. We can hold a conversation obviously but have very little in common and even fewer frames of reference. That is not to say a relationship can't work but I think it would be the exception not the rule. And if I went out with a 26 year old I would judge myself massively Smile

Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 31/12/2019 00:24

age is irrelevant well it's not to the OP as she has said she usually dates men of this age, so it's her type.

Somerville · 31/12/2019 00:24

Personally I date older men simply because I’m more physically attracted to them.

You fancy men in their late 40s. Do you also fancy 50-something’s and 60-somethings? That’s who he’ll be whilst you’re still younger than he is now. And thats why I disapprove of large-age gap relationships - the chances are that it robs the younger partner (almost always the woman) of growing old with someone - she gets to be a carer in her middle age and then a young widow in her 50S. Who will look around and see that all the similar age men are trying to get with women in their 30s...
Anyone should go into a big age gap with their eyes very wide open about future life expectancy and the realities.

NameChangeNugget · 31/12/2019 00:27

I think a lot has to do with the menopause as well, which is why men in their 50’s run off with sexually active younger women