To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

Power imbalance

The age gap becomes a problem as the man gets older. There is little difference with a 30 and 50 year old, but once you get to 50 //70+ you can end up a carer for your parents and your husband at a time in life when others around you are starting a second youth of activities with children leaving home

"Personally I date older men simply because I’m more physically attracted to them."

Will you still be attracted to them when they are old and possibly need your care whilst you are still young and want to do things?

I think, personally, that there must be something wrong with a woman’s self-esteem for her to go for men old enough to be their fathers. In real life I never see well adjusted younger women in age gap relationships - most of trauma of some sort which leaves them incapable or relating to anyone their age (not just men).

Yabu as MN doesn't have issues with age gap relationships when the woman is the older person in that relationship as evidenced by previous threads.

I am your age. I would hesitate to date a man our age. I think that a lot of older women fail to realise just how infantile and screwed up by porn the majority of men our age seem to be (obviously there are lots of normal ones too by why go through the agro of filtering through them when you can just date someone older). My husband and I almost have the same age gap as you and your boyfriend. Despite what posters on here have said there’s nothing wrong with him, he’s not pathetic or abusive, our relationship is quite equal, we’re both strong minded emotionally independent adults, we have lots in common, we have extremely similar personalities and nearly identical childhoods and so on. We just have a large age gap but then again in many ways that’s good. We get to enjoy each other at the peak of our attractiveness. Financially and emotionally we’re better placed to support each other (he supported me through my degree and early career, I’ll support him as he gets older).

I’ll comment that I know a couple with a 10 year age gap where the woman is older and it’s not anything I’m jealous of either. He’s good looking but very immature and she’s become obsessed with diet and exercise as she’s aging and their gap is looking more physically obvious. They’re also battling fertility issues as she’s early 40s and he’s early 30s. He wanted a few years’ gap after DC1, she said she didn’t have time to waste. Turned out she was right as docs have confirmed her chances of natural conception now are practically nil. I think she genuinely fears he will leave her for a woman his age or younger.

I understand you OP. I have always been attracted to much older men too. But then I was probably born aged 45 myself. And I am not a big fan of marriage - I prefer fwb with an intellectual twist on it. No daddy issues here, I have a great dad and we are very close.
My friend is 35, married to an almost 70 years old man. The inequality in income and education levels is clearly, almost ridiculously in her favour (as in PhD with a good career vs manual labourer). I don't understand a lot of things in their relationship, but what is obvious to me that is is based on genuine love. One thing that is sad is that their children are probably going to lose their dad very young.

It definitely IS true that men's sexual ability declines from mid 40s onwards. More than a third have it prior to 65 and 44% af 65.

This is interesting reading.

my EXH was older than me (only 7 years) but he got older mentally way quicker than I did, to paraphrase he got boring and controlling and had to be fucking right all the time.

Now I'm dating, I'm finding my self attracted to younger men (perhaps subconsciously I'm wanting someone with a let's go adventuring mindset) well that and their stamina is way better

Men my age and a wee bit older aren't interested in me, not because of my age, because of my confidence, my self sufficiency and how much I earn. I know this because they are interested based on my profile pictures, but slowly back off after they find out what I do.

Men circa 10 years younger find those attractive qualities, they don't want a woman that they need to look after and they aren't threatened by me being successful, they are attracted to it.

Quite frankly based on me being so unhappy the last few years, my happiness with the right person I connect with is more important than any age gap and any friend that suggests I have power issues can fuck off.

I don't understand how any woman my age (27) could be with a man 10+ older. I personally don't see the appeal.

My partner is 25 and we have a pre-schooler and he's a fantastic dad and partner. Very involved, hard working (earns good £), is fit and doesn't watch porn- yes he really doesn't.

There are lots of mature, good looking men in their mid-life 20's who would be right for you OP. Why someone older who probably sees you as a trophy/ornament to impress his mates?

Correction: mid to late 20's

I agree with the posters pointing out that "age gap relationships" almost always means older man with younger woman, and very often means the older man has left a wife/ long term partner closer to his own age to do the lion's share of bringing up his children, with perhaps a bit of Disney dading eow.

That's why I question what's feminist about your stance Daxilove . If there were as many older women with younger men perhaps you'd have a point.

Where the age gap is a full generation and the man is old enough to actually be his girlfriend's daughter then yes, it does raise uncomfortable questions about the future and the power dynamic and motivation...

• old enough to be his girlfriend's father obviously that should have said

I'm 32 and with a man 3 and a half years younger. I always used to go for men 7 to 10 years older but it never worked out. I found them boring and set in their ways and often with a lot of baggage. Erectile dysfunction was a problem for one man I dated.
I am quite young at heart, despite having the responsibility of kids and I realised it was their age that was putting me off. I think I wasted a lot of time dating these older men as I thought it equalled maturity and that's what I needed as a single mum, but I don't think it does. My DH is probably more mature than me, but we're on the same wavelength.

My aunt and uncle had a big age gap and had a long and happy relationship. It wasnt creepy. My uncle didnt leave a wife and kids or only seek out younger women. They met at a party and fell in love. She is now a widow quite young which is the other end of the tale I guess.

That and arse wiping

Men in their 45+ are sadly not renowned for their sexual prowess which rapidly starts to decline over the next decade

My FWB is 50+. His sexual prowess is rather the point.

My DH is ten years older than me, and when we met we were probably of equal maturity. I moved out and became independent of my parents at a very young age, whereas due to illness he had to move back into his parent's house in the last year of university, and was unable to work much or do any of the usual twenty something things until his health improved. Once it did, he went and got a job and started making plans for moving his life forward, and that's when we met. He would admit himself that he was emotionally immature for his age, as he'd taken such a physical and mental battering that he was more or less stuck at age 21 rather than 31, whereas I was rather above average for my age. Things obviously worked out, and we are very happy, but I do think it's probably accurate that one of the parties in an age gap relationship is probably not quite where the rest of their age group is at.

I'm a bit weird because I am in an age gap relationship (male partner 12 years older) but I still think it's a bit weird of the older partner. I imagine going out with someone 12 years younger than me, and it would seem, well.. ewww. We wouldn't have anything in common and they'd seem so immature. Seems like men don't care about that though. They don't care about having an intellectual connection, so long as they can have sex with the least wrinkled women they can find.

I agree with you OP. Love has no age

There was, I think, about a 20 year gap between my aunt and uncle. They'd been married for nearly 50 years when he died. I dated someone in his 50s when I was in my early 20s. It didn't last but it was fun. It makes my 9 year gap with DH look miniscule.

Whenever I see an older man with a younger I assume she's after the money - there's a name for women like that

No adult has to justify their relationship with another adult. No one has the right to judge. You can have an opinion but your opinion is about you and your perceptions and no one else.
Your opinion isn't right or wrong but it's about you. We should always question where our opinions come from and not use them to slang off other people.

Men in their 45+ are sadly not renowned for their sexual prowess which rapidly starts to decline over the next decade

They are not ‘renowned’. This in my experience is utter bollocks