To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

A good friend has a much younger husband. I do think the age gap is big- so does she. But they're doing as well as any other couple... I dont find anyone's relationship great from the outside so it's not very appealing to me but it's fine. I do find it difficult for myself - I sit around with her reminiscing about the 70s (not constantly) and I think how bloody boring it must be for him. But he appears to cope.

A lot of people probably speak from experience. I used to often date older men, but we never wanted the same things; they were usually bitter and just liked having someone young, and I wanted to settle down and start a family. There's nothing wrong with it if you both want the same things in life, but more often than not this doesnt turn out to be the case.

People spouting ‘daddy issues’ are no different to those who spoke out against mixed race couples, gay couples or disabled people being in relationships. Ignorant and unpleasant.

You are comparing it to racisim and homophobia? Seriously?

Comparing age gap relationships to mixed race couples, gay couples or disabled people is absolutely tone deaf.

If the worst thing you get is 'daddy issues' (which I don't agree with) then count yourself lucky.

How is making slightly snide comments about daddy issues in any way comparable to the fact that gay sex was illegal until the 60s, the age of consent was different for gay men until the late 90s and gay marriage only became possible in the last few years?

Don't demean the experiences of gay people who went to prison, for beaten up, shunned by their families and much more to a few snide comments on an internet forum.

No one is out there claiming age gap relationships are sinful, should be banned, must not be "promoted", should involve the participants going to prison.

They are just saying it looks a bit creepy if men are consistently only going out with women young enough to be their daughters.

LOL at some of these replies.
Interesting to know what people really think of age gap relationships though.

I honestly it’s because a lot of women feel threatened by younger women and see them as competition which is very unfortunate because obviously age is just a number. There’s also the fact that men are often pretty approving and ‘good for him!’ ‘Well done!’ Sort of thing when a guy gets a younger girlfriend which doesn’t help! In other words I think a lot of it’s jealousy. There’s no reason why someone would have more in common with another human being simply because they happened to be born slightly closer together. The sort of bond you need with a person to have a romantic relationship is much deeper than being a similar age or being from a similar place or anything shallow like that! Society has sort of taught us that men get better with age and women get worse so it causes this unequal relationship and jealousy and unnecessary nastiness

Grain of truth in it, though. If you are a small minded bigot with fewer socially acceptable outlets for your public bigotry these days, you will resort to making unpleasant generalisations about age gappers, fat people, Christians- whoever it is currently OK to look down on

"Daddy issues" is genuinely nasty psychobabble.

YANBU i met DH at 19 he was 33. I am now 32 been married 9 years and we are very much in love and very happy.

It just happened i didn't particularly go for older men i fell in love with him not his age. I didn't really think about the age i just knew i couldn't imagine myself being with anyone else.

They have a point

www.marketwatch.com/story/the-bigger-the-age-gap-the-shorter-the-marriage-2014-11-11

47 isn't especially old...I can easily see why a 26 year old would date a man that age...I'd have been happy to date a man that age when I'd been in my twenties.

However, I'm very sceptical about how you'll feel in 15 years time when he's in his sixties and you're still a relatively young woman just into her forties.

Massive difference between a man in his forties and a man in his sixties.

There’s no reason why someone would have more in common with another human being simply because they happened to be born slightly closer together.

By that logic theres no reason you would have more in common with someone because of an age gap.

I dont really have an issue with people meeting and clicking with someone who happens to be of a different age. We fancy who we fancy.

But I do think those who only date considerably older or younger, do usually have issues. This is based on my experience only. The only age gap relationship I know that have worked long term are ones where the people done specially look for someone of a certain age. Those people who only date a lot older or younger, in my own experience, do have issues. As you said why would you be likely to have more in common because of someones age?

I think some of it is also that as you get older yourself you realise how “young” you were at 19/20/21 etc even though you didn’t think it at the time, and the thought of someone your own age now (40s plus) going out with someone that age just seems incredibly weird as you realise what different places you are in your life now.

When I was 19 I went out with someone who was 33. The thought of my own daughter doing that makes me feel quite ill to be honest. I appreciate that will upset some here but seriously when I was 19 - and this may just be me- I was just so young. I should have been having the time of my life with people my own age.

I am 40 now and I cannot imagine ever dating anyone 20ish. I don’t think they would have the life experience or confidence to understand me.

Also just to clarify my DH isn't rich.

I think people change so much I do always find it a bit strange.i think there are always power imbalances with young adults and much older ones. One of my friends had a 30 year gap and she was the same age as her partner’s daughter. She had issues and he was a cock to her and slept with someone else. It really wasn’t a healthy relationship at all and started at work.

I have 9 years between my husband and I. I'm the younger but the higher earner.

You will get flamed on here by some women who feel incredibly insecure that men of their own age might find a fulfilling, happy and equal relationship with a younger woman. To do this they will say it's about power and control and shallow desires. I've experienced it myself.

Dont let it bother you. I find it quite comical

Yet when you turn it around it can look quite different... Take my close uni friends, all known each other for 20 plus years etc.

The two guys who have suddenly gone for much younger women after break-ups it are definitely NOT the most mature, thoughtful stable ones! In fact there is definitely an element of opting out of ‘real life’. You know, with boring old same-age women who just view them with slightly eye-rolling feelings and definitely don’t imbue them with an aura of maturity, depth of soul etc.

Also their new wives / girlfriends are perfectly lovely, but tbh there is a tiny probably unconscious element of ‘I can see why he likes me, I’m so well-adjusted and mature’. Whereas the truth in these cases is that they likes them because they go to yoga four times a week (no pesky childcare or after-hours managerial responsibilities holding you back), they can go out and get wasted and have frequent sex without having boring questions about ‘is it time to remortgage/who is putting bins out/when is parents evening?’. Oh, and they look at them like a mature manly prize and don’t ask too many difficult questions about how much they contribute to the domestic load.

One of my friends has basically ditched his child on the other side of the world to continue his Peter Pan life of gastro pub lunches and festivals with his markedly younger, child free wife. I am very interested to know what happens if she then wants kids, because what we know and presumably he hasn’t highlighted to her, is what a useless shitbag he was once his ex had a baby and needed him home and not propping up the local for a few after work.

You will get flamed on here by some women who feel incredibly insecure that men of their own age might find a fulfilling, happy and equal relationship with a younger woman

Yes, people must be jealous. Not speaking from experience at all.

You dont have a very mature attitude to a discussion do you?

I was the younger wife. Never once entered my head anyone would be jealous of me. Even the people who raised eyebrows at the age gap.

I am very interested to know what happens if she then wants kids

Often they have them, the do the same again. That's because men like him are dicks and that's nothing to do with the age gap.

Though I do wonder why a women, of any age, wouldnr get with a man who doesnt bother with his kids.

My DH is 11 years older than me. We met when I was in my late twenties and he was in his late 30s. Neither of us had a history of dating someone younger or older. 30 years on we are still very happy together.

It's not the age gap that's the problem, it's the fact that often times the middle aged man has dumped his wife of a similar age to take up with a young girl.

I know a couple with a 13 year age gap who have been together for over 30 years. It's very imbalanced to the younger one and has been for the last 15 years or so. The younger is working, lots of hobbies, friends and has to manage their onerous carer duties around that. The older sits at home moaning about their health and can bore for England. The issue of health disparity and becoming a carer are genuine

I live in Eastern Europe. I would say that 99% of the businessmen who are here long term have dumped their first (or second) wife who was around the same age as them, and are now married to someone 25-35 years younger, of the local nationality. Business functions are stuffed with fifty something men and young women who are all over them. Fuck knows why, this is an EU country!

My dad was quite a lot older than my mum, over ten years. He was controlling, didn't let her have her own bank account, access to money etc. She looked after him after she got to the age of sixty because by then he was getting pretty old.

My sister also had large age gap relationships when she was younger. They were invariably predatory men who liked controlling women. She thought they were sophisticated/charming but it was easy to see what they were really like from the outside. No one is saying that all big age gap relationships are like that but I would certainly not like my daughter to marry someone so much older because of the larger possibility of a) he would want a power balance and b) she would spend much of her life looking after him.

I think when you get older yourself you see more of the pitfalls of older partners because you see how much you and many of your contemporaries have changed.

Men in their 45+ are sadly not renowned for their sexual prowess which rapidly starts to decline over the next decade.

This is certainly not true in my experience...