Lying ...

[MrsBrentford]

Stepkids are staying.

Generally get on with them fine, they are 13 and 15, so I admit I struggle with two (moody) teenage girls, who can be a bit huffy and rude as my own children are now adults (and I probably more tolerant with my SK than I was with my own as I am cautious). I have been around for 10 years.

I try to stay out of things as much as possible and sometimes struggle with the strict rules DH tried to dictate to me and my own children are now non existent and he is an utter hypocrite - another story.

One bugbear I do have and I find unacceptable is lying. Both girls have always lied without thinking twice but they are also told not to tell us things by their mother or to lie to us about stuff so I do wonder if that boundary is blurred for them.

Yesterday we took them clothes shopping with Christmas money (their choice) and I bought myself a couple of tops (completely unlike anything they bought for themselves) and the tops were put into the shopping bag with their stuff.

This morning I remembered I hadn’t taken the tops and went into their room and asked if I could please have them out of the bag, DSD1 said “oh that black one and that grey one?” I said “yes”. They were both dressed.

I found one but not the other and thought “that’s a bit weird” and thought I’d ask DH when he got out of the shower.

Two minutes later DSD1 knocks on my door and says “this one” holding out the top which had no labels on it and was warm and had clearly been worn (DSD is taller and broader than me).

She said “yeah I found it under the bed” I said “really? It looks like it’s been worn to me - did you have it on?” “Yes” she said.

OH brushed it aside but what really pisses me off is the blatant lying. Fine if she made a mistake (I am unsure how) but don’t then lie about it.

I know this is a petty gripe but I am so sick of keeping my mouth shut.

As a daughter of two warring, divorced parents who constantly told me as a child to lie to the other parent - that kind of thing is a total headfuck. And as a social worker, I’d expect you to realise this and understand their behaviour around this. They either have to lie to their dad and you, or deliberately go against their mother’s orders (which in my case would be days of silent treatment and horrible comments about how untrustworthy I am and how sick I made her, even at the age of 8...). They are between a rock and a hard place.

IMO, the hot choc is a total non-issue. She admitted to wearing the top - I’d have thanked her for being honest but then told her to ask before borrowing your stuff in future. I would have a word with your DH about the rules and come to a family compromise that everyone is clear about.

I'll admit to being to knackered to rtft but it's a top and some hot chocolate - not your Porsche and some rare bottled plonk.

It's annoying but is it really worth this much drama?

Teenagers lie from experience, quite often about really random stuff. Did she lie because she knew you would flip over it or because she didn't want the (obvious) fallout?

Take dh, buy another top and a tub of hot chocolate. Don't alienate them over trivial stuff, in the real world this just doesn't matter that much. Oh and be flattered she liked your choice in clothing so much so wore it.

In my experience as a teacher (so I've known hundreds of teenagers), they lie when they know you're likely to overreact if they own up. I've had students who were famous for lying because they had strict parents (and teachers) who would explode all the time so it was easier just to lie to avoid conflict. They rarely lied to me because I'm relatively easy going so I'd just be like, let's hear it, what have you done this time

Sorry but this is so made up!

Teenagers lie. All the time. About loads of random trivial stuff. About important stuff. And regardless of the reaction.

Teenagers lie. All the time. About loads of random trivial stuff. About important stuff. And regardless of the reaction

All NT children and adults lie. Lying is a vital part of human interaction. Anyone who says they don't lie is lying. Teenagers tend to be less good at it than adults, so get caught out more.

Sounds like your LA needs to step out of the 70's.

Or is it that others need to get up to date?

The cqc link that @XXcstatic posted was from July this year and to be reviewed next July. 🤷‍♀️

@pjmask
Yes I agree that is also true. I wrote this in response to the OP's righteous indignation that these girls would dare lie to her over something trivial. It's trivial. And yes, I think her predictable overreactions makes it even more likely for them to lie.

Look at the biggest lies parents tell their children. Those whoppers are very minor in relation to wearing a top.

MrsBrentford Can you please link to the legislation that says a child has to have permission from parents for treatment? I’m genuinely wanting to know more about that as a mother of a 12 year old.

Tbh I suspect this thread will vanish - outing and all that.

I think this thread is giving an insight into some of the issues. The op is always in the right even when presented with stuff to say hang on a minute. Good luck to the other household members, I couldn't live with it.

I don't think the step bit is very relevant. Teens behave a bit thoughtlessly and selfishly.....shock, horror....who knew?

It's fine to be a little annoyed but she confessed immediately on being confronted, that's important. Or maybe it's just me that's experienced instant dramatics, accusations, sobbing and refusing to come out of her room for six hours before any sort of civil conversation can be had.

The chocolate and subsequent posts just make it feel like the OP is looking for support in disliking the kids.

The only difference being a step makes is the girls have to deal with multiple boundaries in different homes (something they're not famous for in one) and the OP needs greater support in setting them from the Dad and may she have to compromise more than with her own kids so he is fully behind them.

He may be a dick for being different with his own kids and his ex may be a complete PITA but none of that is the girls fault

Disrespect and rudeness is not acceptable but part and parcel of normal teenage behaviour. I’m surprised a social worker doesn’t know this. Do they not do any training in this in your archaic LA?

@MrsBrentford
You really need to sort the stuff with your husband - don’t take it out on them

Who begrudges a tin of drinking chocolate over Christmas?

Never understand why people blend families when they begrudge the children that come with it.

OP, being a step mum is incredibly difficult and as others say your frustration is because of the double standards of your DH.

It must have been difficult watching your children being criticised for behaviour that is now tolerated. It seems to be very common for nrp's and I think more so if the nrp is the Dad and the children girls.

You could try to address it with your DH or just let it go. I think if you attempt to discipline your step daughters it will jcause friction between you and your DH as he isn't onboard.

Another tactic is to focus on their good behaviour, find 3 things that they do well each day. It will just help to let go of the negative stuff as you can't control your dh reaction to discipline.

Why did you stay with a man who was dictating rules to you and your children? Wonder how your kids felt about that.

All of what @Umberta said. It's clearly more an issue with your DH. Kids don't have awareness of consequences and will lie if they think you're going to overreact. Sounds like he's lenient with his kids and you're lenient with yours, thus the conflict. And like others said, the hot chocolate is really a non issue. Hot chocolate is gross to me anyway.

Ooh, mumsnet is like playing Pokemon cards. A 15 year old who's a size 14 would lose in most threads, but beats her stepmother.

head tilt were you the OW?

When I think of the problems my friend has had with her son who started taking drugs at fourteen or my other friend whose daughter started going out with a drug addict at sixteen, as well as all the worries and problems I had with my own teenager, I think you should count yourself lucky that that is your only gripe with these girls. Yes it was wrong that they did that, but in the world of bringing up teenagers, it is insignificant.

I think your problem is with their father and particularly your quite natural resentment of his attitude to your children.

The hypocrite husband is the problem. You should have it out with him. When my children were younger you thought you could call the shots and were unreasonably strict. Now we only have your dc here you think again you are in charge and are very slack and don’t discipline them at all. You owe my children and me a huge apology, I’ve realised I can’t forgive you and continue sharing my home with your children knowing you made it so much harder for my children to live with me, unless you can address this, apologise, and accept my voice in parenting yours in our home. And if you can’t accept my voice in parenting yours then clearly you know how wrong you were in the past.

What timeisnotaline said

@timeisnotaline

🙏

So basically you were looking for someone to give you a way to stamp your authority on the situation OP- if that's the case then definitely follow what @timeisnotaline has suggested.

I'd personally be looking for a way to form a better relationship with my DSD's, but I'm sure they'll appreciate you being given more power over them (permission to be as strict as you were with your own DC, your words).

I'm sure it'll work in your favour, or drive them further away, either way I just think you have a 'need to be right'- Good luck

I think you're seriously overreacting tbh especially about hot chocolate. It's Christmas and it's cheap so just buy some more.

Not really, just want a bit of respect shown to me and others in my own home and consideration shown to everyone regarding food, drink and everything else.

Respect is earned, not dictated- I tend to find the more you show, the more you gain.