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AIBU?

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Original poster

Lying ...

279 replies

MrsBrentford · 30/12/2019 15:28

Stepkids are staying.

Generally get on with them fine, they are 13 and 15, so I admit I struggle with two (moody) teenage girls, who can be a bit huffy and rude as my own children are now adults (and I probably more tolerant with my SK than I was with my own as I am cautious). I have been around for 10 years.

I try to stay out of things as much as possible and sometimes struggle with the strict rules DH tried to dictate to me and my own children are now non existent and he is an utter hypocrite - another story.

One bugbear I do have and I find unacceptable is lying. Both girls have always lied without thinking twice but they are also told not to tell us things by their mother or to lie to us about stuff so I do wonder if that boundary is blurred for them.

Yesterday we took them clothes shopping with Christmas money (their choice) and I bought myself a couple of tops (completely unlike anything they bought for themselves) and the tops were put into the shopping bag with their stuff.

This morning I remembered I hadn’t taken the tops and went into their room and asked if I could please have them out of the bag, DSD1 said “oh that black one and that grey one?” I said “yes”. They were both dressed.

I found one but not the other and thought “that’s a bit weird” and thought I’d ask DH when he got out of the shower.

Two minutes later DSD1 knocks on my door and says “this one” holding out the top which had no labels on it and was warm and had clearly been worn (DSD is taller and broader than me).

She said “yeah I found it under the bed” I said “really? It looks like it’s been worn to me - did you have it on?” “Yes” she said.

OH brushed it aside but what really pisses me off is the blatant lying. Fine if she made a mistake (I am unsure how) but don’t then lie about it.

I know this is a petty gripe but I am so sick of keeping my mouth shut.

OP posts:
Insideimsprinting · 31/12/2019 09:42

I couldn't be arsed with this. Whilst I wouldn't make a huge issue I would say something we'll thought out to get my point across and simply put on repeat if need be. If anything it will make it abundantly clear you know they're taking the piss and your not happy. Dont expect it to change but just let it be known how you feel.

Umberta · 31/12/2019 09:45

Confused OP, think through the consequences of what @timeisnotaline is suggesting... it'll definitely make you feel better in the short term because your husband will probably react: "woah, where has all this I've-resented-you-for-years come from?! Ok fine, say what you like to my girls". You might feel an immediate sense of triumph and feel initially "respected" but you'll be left exactly where you were with the girls themselves. They'll still drink hot chocolate and open the window, sure they probably won't borrow your clothes again now they've seen your reaction to that. But laying down dozens of petty house-rules now that you are the Boss won't endear them and definitely definitely wont tempt them to be more candid with you and "lie" less. That was the title of your thread. I'm just saying, be careful what you wish for. I promise you, it won't make them respect you more. They might grudgingly pay lip service to you, but that isnt how you earn actual genuine respect, either from your DH or your DSDs. Actual genuine respect is earned through mutual understanding, good communication, and to some extent, mutual tolerance and forbearing. Well that's my opinion anyway. I really hope it works out for you, I've got quite caught up in your story 💚

Umberta · 31/12/2019 09:47

@Taddda haha yes you've said what I was trying to say but way more succinctly!!

Cohle · 31/12/2019 09:55

If you keep banging on about them stretching your clothes and eating too much you're going to give them a complex.

It sounds like your real issue is with your DH. You need to take up your disagreement about discipline with him - not overreact with your step daughters.

MyKingdomForBrie · 31/12/2019 10:57

If he wants to buy his dds endless hot chocolate that's his call I guess.

The way he was in the past with your kids was totally unacceptable but it would be unfair to visit excess strictness on his kids in retaliation. Frankly I think you should have kicked him out at the time but it's too late to change the past now, you stayed with him so you have to let it go I think.

timeisnotaline · 31/12/2019 11:06

The way he was in the past with your kids was totally unacceptable but it would be unfair to visit excess strictness on his kids in retaliation.
Absolutely, but I’m not sure a limit of one tub of hot chocolate a week is excess strictness. It sounds more like good parenting to me. I think the op would like her dh to recognise what a hypocrite he is and for them together to be better parents to his kids than he is now. That’s very different from the laying down the line take others have read from my post.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 31/12/2019 16:44

Respect is earned, not dictated- I tend to find the more you show, the more you gain.

I've never believed this. Unless by respect you really mean deference, in which case you'd be right. Basic respect for a person's feelings and property should be a given. The OP isn't asking for anything more than that. She isn't asking for anything because of her position in the family, just for basic respect of her as a person.

Taddda · 31/12/2019 17:11

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet but these are teenagers we're talking about...you can't gain respect from them in a 'you will respect my authorita!/my house, my rules' way. You first need to learn what respect is by being shown it, perhaps simplified, but setting an example, not losing your temper over a top and some hot chocolate- especially as this is backed up by DH, who might just have changed his parenting style from being 'as strict' to a bit more 'relaxed' than the OP- which she obviously finds highly frustrating, turning this thread into a 'it's them and their lies' titled one, instead of a 'my partner isnt on my page in terms of parenting my SDd's'.

I don't think there is anything 'basic' about the type of Respect that seems to be demanded here, it's all sounds very resentful due to the difference in her strict ways with her own DC, feeling she can't be as strict with her SDd's (Personally I don't know what her definition of strict is, but sounds pretty authoritarian to me....).

Taddda · 31/12/2019 17:39

OP's teenaged SDd's will eventually grow up and move on with their lives, I suppose it's really down to whether she wants to form a lasting relationship with them or just tolerate them until they don't have to stay in her home anymore- I suspect the latter, but hope I'm wrong- it's not a nice feeling knowing that your 'being tollerated' as a teenage girl...

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 31/12/2019 19:51

t's all sounds very resentful due to the difference in her strict ways with her own DC,
It was the husband who tried to impose strict rules on the Op's children, not her. Feeling like she has to be more lenient with the stepchildren sounds fairly standard, since she isn't their actual parent.

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 31/12/2019 21:46

Basic respect for a person's feelings and property should be a given

This. Respectful behaviour is a social responsibility that parents are responsible for teaching.

Taddda · 01/01/2020 07:15

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet Have a read back, that's not true. It was her who stated she was quite strict on her own DC, he was also, perhaps following her lead as these were her children living with them? If it was a simple case of double standards (she was lenient, he was strict) then you would be right.

He has changed his stance with his own DC, she's not, so is feeling the repercussions of not being allowed to parent his children in the same way, leading her to feel quite resentful (or powerless) about the situation in her own home.

What's quite obvious is that there seems to be a lack of conversation between her and her DH, or disregard, which I can imagine is a difficult environment for all involved.
Teenagers being teenagers I imagine their playing up to this a bit, totally understandable.

Taddda · 01/01/2020 07:26

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet It also shouldn't matter that she isnt 'their actual parent'- she's their Stepmother, still a parenting figure by very definition- her and her DH should be a team regardless.

LaurieMarlow · 01/01/2020 08:06

I havent RTFT, but why would you ration out the hot chocolate at Christmas OP? Who cares?

You’ve got to ask yourself, does this foster good relations? Obviously not.

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 01/01/2020 10:08

Ffs I am not rationing out hot chocolate.

They are each having 5 cups a day and it’s nothing to do with Christmas.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 01/01/2020 10:29

For what it's worth, I agree with everyone who has said that you have a dp problem here, op. I notice that you haven't responded to any of the posters who have suggested that you need to take it up with him... are you unable to talk to him about this sort of thing?

Taddda · 01/01/2020 10:46

Pointless-

NearlyGranny · 01/01/2020 10:47

Rather than trying to make them do or stop doing anything, which involves you in a lot of energy expenditure, I suggest you take the easy route and simply stop doing and buying the things they abuse or take for granted. Don't buy a replacement hot chocolate, but don't make a big deal about it. If they report that it's run out - "Oh, has it?" with no further comment or action. Let them pester their DF to buy it for them instead.

Don't be in a rush to stock their favourite snacks or chivvy them to bring plates and cups for you to wash. Keep your own secret stash of the things you enjoy where they can't raid them, and keep a clean cup, plate and cutlery ticked away for if literally everything ends up dirty in their rooms!

Make sure they understand the workings of washing machine, dryer, iron and dishwasher as you needn't do any of their creating. Leave their beds of they don't strip them and load their sheets. These are big girls, almost women, not little children.

As for lifts, it will have to be dad's taxi. Just quietly withdraw most of your labour without fanfare. The message will get through that it's not your job!

LaurieMarlow · 01/01/2020 12:12

They are each having 5 cups a day

So?

Is this the hill you’re willing to die on? Seriously?

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 01/01/2020 13:23

So Is this the hill you’re willing to die on? Seriously

So if we agree they are allowed 1 Mars bar a day out of the cupboard for instance but they ignore that and have 5 that’s ok?

Where does it end?

The Hot Chocolate isn’t the only thing they have copious amounts of, and they aren’t the only people staying on the house.

It’s not okay to teach children consideration?

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 01/01/2020 13:29

@Tadda the Op says this;
I try to stay out of things as much as possible and sometimes struggle with the strict rules DH tried to dictate to me and my own children are now non existent and he is an utter hypocrite

That doesn't sound like she was the one with the strict rules.

Taddda · 01/01/2020 13:37

She also stated that she 'was quite strict with her own children' if you care to read on @DontDribbleOnTheCarpet .....

Original poster
MrsBrentford · 01/01/2020 13:40

“she” was a caring mother who loves her children, encouraged them, set reasonable boundaries, always gave her children a way to come back and whose children respect her, and are well grounded, loving, caring adults.

OP posts:
Taddda · 01/01/2020 13:43

@MrsBrentford so how are you teaching them consideration and that it's not okay to do that? You haven't mentioned anything about that as yet, just merely complained that this is what they're doing....

Taddda · 01/01/2020 13:46

@MrsBrentford so what is stopping you doing the same with your DSd's? Are you not allowed to do this?