Lying ...

[MrsBrentford]

Stepkids are staying.

Generally get on with them fine, they are 13 and 15, so I admit I struggle with two (moody) teenage girls, who can be a bit huffy and rude as my own children are now adults (and I probably more tolerant with my SK than I was with my own as I am cautious). I have been around for 10 years.

I try to stay out of things as much as possible and sometimes struggle with the strict rules DH tried to dictate to me and my own children are now non existent and he is an utter hypocrite - another story.

One bugbear I do have and I find unacceptable is lying. Both girls have always lied without thinking twice but they are also told not to tell us things by their mother or to lie to us about stuff so I do wonder if that boundary is blurred for them.

Yesterday we took them clothes shopping with Christmas money (their choice) and I bought myself a couple of tops (completely unlike anything they bought for themselves) and the tops were put into the shopping bag with their stuff.

This morning I remembered I hadn’t taken the tops and went into their room and asked if I could please have them out of the bag, DSD1 said “oh that black one and that grey one?” I said “yes”. They were both dressed.

I found one but not the other and thought “that’s a bit weird” and thought I’d ask DH when he got out of the shower.

Two minutes later DSD1 knocks on my door and says “this one” holding out the top which had no labels on it and was warm and had clearly been worn (DSD is taller and broader than me).

She said “yeah I found it under the bed” I said “really? It looks like it’s been worn to me - did you have it on?” “Yes” she said.

OH brushed it aside but what really pisses me off is the blatant lying. Fine if she made a mistake (I am unsure how) but don’t then lie about it.

I know this is a petty gripe but I am so sick of keeping my mouth shut.

Because I refuse to be the only person parenting in the house when my DSDs are here and be the evil bitch step mother.

@MrsBrentford Exactly! You need to sort this out with your DH! It's got to be totally confusing for your Dsd's if you and him are not on the same parenting page- this is not about them, its about you and your DH.

That would annoy me, too.

I would have asked-‘Why have you taken the label off and have been wearing my new top? Why didn’t you tell me you were already wearing it when I was clearly looking for it?!’

Either...
she didn’t realise it was yours and was embarrassed when she realised.
She doesn’t like you and deliberately did it to annoy you.
She really liked the top and wanted to wear it despite knowing it was yours.

I would want to unpick the situation and get to the bottom of what was going on.

Big old oak tree.
A step child acting up is not different to your own child acting up at all. It's just you have to deal with it in the way you would deal with any other child that is not yours. Sometimes step children act up because they are not treated the same as others in the house
You are very mean to not buy coke when your step daughter comes, buy some but limit her intake. Say you buy 8 cans 4 people in the house tell her two each. Also to say I hate the lying more than anything else she does. Makes you sound like you don't like her much at all.
Maybe she acts up because she senses this. X

@lisag1969 you've contradicted yourself. Dealing with something your own child does versus something your step child, or any other child who isn't yours is different. I treat by DSD very well and am not mean to her, but I won't be taken for a mug or treated badly by her. When she fills her bag with coke I've bought to take home because her mother won't buy it I draw the line.

Being the evil bitch step mother is such an easy line to take for a lot of posters here, the actual reality of living with a step child who doesn't treat you kindly or respectfully is very different. It's a very lonely place to be.

I cannot understand the comments on here! It's about boundaries for goodness sake. OP you are my kind of parent. I'm a mum and step mum. All are grown now but they show me the greatest of respect. Being a step-mum in someways is harder than parenting. It's not your job to discipline them but you are entitled to respect in your own home. I'm amazed at the lack of empathy on here. Trust your own judgement and don't take too much of what is written on here to heart. Good luck!

I do speak to him and he agrees and then when it actually comes to it he winos our in being consistent, no consequences for anything, boundaries often not reinforced and no fall out if they aren’t.

When he has enforced a consequence the person in question then doesn’t come the next time (chooses not to). It’s blackmail, but IMO their own choice.

I just give up and retreat sometimes tbh.

*wimps out

@BigOldOakTree it's also very lonely being on the receiving end of a SP who you know is just tolerating you being in their home because they happened to marry one of your parents.... far worse that a child feels emotionally neglected than an adult feeling a bit disrespected.

I really don't get this 'sweating the small stuff' with teenagers....hot chocolate, trying on tops, cans of coke....it all sounds like perfectly normal behaviour, pushing boundaries is also an important part of growing up, it's in how you teach them where those boundaries are thats important.

Plus it's hardly like these kids are gang affiliated prolific offenders- ! Real world problems, perspective seems to be a bit lost here.

Plus it's hardly like these kids are gang affiliated prolific offenders- ! Real world problems, perspective seems to be a bit lost here

Those children are the ones with no respect instilled and no boundaries!!

I have not been on MN for very long and am astounded at the hate shown to step parents! Also the hypocritical attitude of some posters, treat them the same as your own kids, but don't treat them the same.
Good on you OP for caring enough about your stepdaughters to want to help them become decent adults, ignore the obvious haters who are posting with such venom.

What "consequences" do you think are appropriate for a teenager trying on your top? Or drinking too much hot choc? Or opening the window when the heating is on?
It's a genuine question. Because I dont think any actual "consequences" are appropriate in those instances except a chat. The word consequences to me sounds a lot stronger, but I'm not sure if that's how you mean it.
I wonder if maybe you and your DH disagree about what "consequences" are appropriate, rather than him "wimping out". You say you speak to him and he agrees but then wimps out, but I postulate that he's just saying yeah yeah ok fine, but doesn't go through with it because inwardly he doesn't agree.

@bluejayblue I really dont want to be venomous, ever. Just offering a point of view. When someone posts on aibu I assume they're looking for genuine alternative points of view rather than simply validation.

far worse that a child feels emotionally neglected than an adult feeling a bit disrespected
Strongly agree with this. I've known what it feels like to feel unwelcome in my dad's house (brought up by single mum) though tbf my stepmums were always really nice. Remember who is the adult

@MrsBrentford it's slightly more complex than that
The thing is, your now saying your refusing to instil rules and boundaries because you don't want to be made out to be the 'evil step mother' and be the only one doing the parenting in your home- so whose teaching your DSd's about boundaries and respect?

You've stated DH isn't, you wont because he won't.....catch 22?

Those children are the ones with no respect instilled and no boundaries!!

Sorry, did you say you are a social worker? Surely you know better than that?

Could you not say to them when they run out of hot chocolate they need to do chores to earn more? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’d be annoyed about the top too though OP.

Your frustrations are understsndsble but the way you let them upset you is out of scale and that's the problem. You seem to be dwelling over things they should enjoy you at the time, but are forgotten by the next day.

This is probably why your oh agrees with you but doesn't appear to back you up. They are enjoying and do annoying things. They are more annoying to you because they are not your kids but baking a big deal out of such trivial matters will cause more harm than the actual issue.

I have not been on MN for very long and am astounded at the hate shown to step parents!

Hate?

I think as a mother it is easy to detect when someone just does not have that same feeling for a child in their care. Perfectly normal as step-mothers aren't the mothers of their step-children.

Some step-mothers that post here do genuinely love their step-children but the OP doesn't. I don't blame her but she should bear that in mind when dealing with them.

Where on this post have I said I don’t love my step children?!

These are two children who have been in my life since they were 3 and 5, ten years.

My career suggests I like children.

It goes without having to say that of course I love them

I am not accusing you, OP.

At the moment you don't seem to like them that much, but that happens to the best of mothers at times too.

But you are exaggerating their faults so much, whereas mothers tend to downplay our childrens' faults.

I was pissed off with them, with good reason, that happens in any relationship, parental or otherwise.

I am not their mother, they have a mother.

I'm sure you love them OP, but they aren't being very loveable at the moment, and they aren't showing you love and respect.
Your DH needs to address their behaviour.
Happy New Year.

The hot chocolate comment is pathetic.

Kids will lie more if you are really strict and sweat the small stuff. They would be more relaxed with you if they thought you would be understanding. I think you are making a fuss over nothing about the top. What do you mean by stretched is she much bigger than you? If she deliberately damaged it that would be different.

As for hot choc thats normal teen / child behaviour to drink and eat up the fun stuff like a plague of locusts. If you want things of your own you need to hide it.