Lying ...

[MrsBrentford]

Stepkids are staying.

Generally get on with them fine, they are 13 and 15, so I admit I struggle with two (moody) teenage girls, who can be a bit huffy and rude as my own children are now adults (and I probably more tolerant with my SK than I was with my own as I am cautious). I have been around for 10 years.

I try to stay out of things as much as possible and sometimes struggle with the strict rules DH tried to dictate to me and my own children are now non existent and he is an utter hypocrite - another story.

One bugbear I do have and I find unacceptable is lying. Both girls have always lied without thinking twice but they are also told not to tell us things by their mother or to lie to us about stuff so I do wonder if that boundary is blurred for them.

Yesterday we took them clothes shopping with Christmas money (their choice) and I bought myself a couple of tops (completely unlike anything they bought for themselves) and the tops were put into the shopping bag with their stuff.

This morning I remembered I hadn’t taken the tops and went into their room and asked if I could please have them out of the bag, DSD1 said “oh that black one and that grey one?” I said “yes”. They were both dressed.

I found one but not the other and thought “that’s a bit weird” and thought I’d ask DH when he got out of the shower.

Two minutes later DSD1 knocks on my door and says “this one” holding out the top which had no labels on it and was warm and had clearly been worn (DSD is taller and broader than me).

She said “yeah I found it under the bed” I said “really? It looks like it’s been worn to me - did you have it on?” “Yes” she said.

OH brushed it aside but what really pisses me off is the blatant lying. Fine if she made a mistake (I am unsure how) but don’t then lie about it.

I know this is a petty gripe but I am so sick of keeping my mouth shut.

I until sort of on the fence until the petty little hot chocolate addition. Its Christmas fgs.

Balls, that would feel like a kick in the teeth.

They can be ungrateful sods at times, regardless of who parents them.

Op I would let it go. I did have 2 teen dd's and boy did I struggle with them. So, so, so much worse than the boys.

It was annoying af, but where the same in borrowing my clothes, often with denials. Fuck knows why, and the clothes would magically re-appear in a washed pile of clothes. They did calm down when I started wearing theirs 🤣

Minor stuff like clothes never bothered me. The silly lying even they couldn't explain. And when things needed limiting I stopped buying or bought smaller with a rule that it wouldn't be replaced for however many weeks. If not they would have eaten/drunk the entire families weight in chocolate, ice-cream, fizzy drinks and cakes at times.

Not sure why some posters are being so snipey OP . Obviously it's bloody rude to blatantly take anything of someone elses, especially as it's new, wear it, stretch it and then give it back with no apology. I highly doubt anyone wouldn't find this disrespectful if it happened to them . They aren't OP's daughters, clearly the relationship is not similar to that so why should she tolerate it?

OP separately it doesn't sound like you like them much, enjoy living with them or even enjoy the set up at all with your DP. Are you paying for the hot chocolate? To be honest I think the hot chocolate is just symptomatic of a general disapproval you have of them, as in itself it is hardly a big deal over xmas in winter to have a few HC's. Clearly they don't have much respect for you generally and your DP doesn't sound like he cares how you feel about it. I'm not surprised you're feeling unsatisfied.

I'd be looking to your DP to step up, if it's your house surely you get a say in the behaviour that goes on in it.

She is a kid though... kids sometimes panic when caught out. Get over it

Like someone said up thread - take a breath & catch yourself on.

I think Christmas has got on your nerves a bit. It can be a difficult time shut up with family. I think I might need to go and gobble up the hot choc myself.

Not sure why some posters are being so snipey OP

She’s a step mum. They’re the devil incarnate on MN and are always, always in the wrong no matter what.

I think it is the respect tbh and OH is irritating me in that he never reaffirms the boundaries.

I was quite strict with my own children as I was on my own and when DH cane in the scene he was really strict with them unnecessarily so (as I felt my boundaries were fair and adequate) and it used to cause a lot of friction.

He’s gone the complete opposite with his own kids and they get away with being rude, lying and eating crap the whole time they are here and I don’t feel confident that I know where the boundaries are, in my own house, and I don’t feel backed up when I feel disrespected.

So post about those issues rather than complaining about a worn top and hot chocolate.

In my experience as a teacher (so I've known hundreds of teenagers), they lie when they know you're likely to overreact if they own up. I've had students who were famous for lying because they had strict parents (and teachers) who would explode all the time so it was easier just to lie to avoid conflict. They rarely lied to me because I'm relatively easy going so I'd just be like, let's hear it, what have you done this time. And then you talk through it. From your OP you sound like you might have reacted very strongly if your DSD had just said off the bat, oh I've tried it on. So she lied. Whereas I think if someone had tried my stuff on, I'd have just laughed and maybe said ok, very funny but please dont do that again, you've stretched it. Rather than going on about disrespect, etc etc. She wasnt trying to disrespect you, she just wanted to try the top on!

Remember, when kids misbehave, it's very rarely about you. They just wanted lots of hot chocolate. It wasnt like, ooh this is our stepmum's hot choc, wouldn't it wind her up if we drank it all. No, they just felt like some hot choc.

The hot chocolate is a complete non issue. You consider it a treat and only have one a day - why should they follow? Also, it’s Christmas.

She shouldn’t have worn your top, but it’s also not that big a deal. She gave it back.

Hey certainty aren’t perfect, but be careful not to blow things out of proportion because you are havingIssues with their dad over discipline.

She wasnt trying to disrespect you, she just wanted to try the top on

In my world, anyone who wants to wear anything that belongs to someone else asks first. Children, step or otherwise, are not exempt from the need to be polite and respect others’ boundaries.

There's the real issue there OP- That one is completely understandable. It's the issue with your DH that needs addressing, SDd's actions are pretty irrelevant, their just highlighting what you've been made to feel

In my demeanour I am laid back and reasonable and I have never lost my temper or shouted at the children.

@WiseUpJanetWeiss yes she should have asked. So patiently and firmly explain that. She was being thoughtless. Not deliberately disrespectful/malicious. Theres quite a big difference there and it's the difference between the OP giving herself a hernia blowing up about "disrespect", and actually turning it into a little learning opportunity for the DSD so it wont happen again. Teenagers aren't the enemy! 😂

In my world, anyone who wants to wear anything that belongs to someone else asks first. Children, step or otherwise, are not exempt from the need to be polite and respect others’ boundaries

I totally agree, and tbf the top was nothing special there was no reason so her to be desperate to wear it.

For your own sake, stop weighing the hot chocolate. Crikey.

Children lie. They have a role model who is a serial liar, who is Prime Minister.

Are you and their mum on speaking terms such that you can raise it with her? Even without much specifics?

But that's the thing op, I'm not sure you are laid back and reasonable at all. Who cares about a bit of hot chocolate or a silly top? Enough to start a thread about it?

So patiently and firmly explain that. She was being thoughtless

But that isn’t what you said, is it. You said you’d have laughed it off.

So just say, “next time can you ask me”.

That’s all this situation needs to resolve it.

Honestly, sometimes people’s standards and expectations are so, so high that people then fail to meet them. Chill out.

The hot chocolate thing is constant, not just at Christmas.

They have a load of sugar in it meaning we run out of milk and sugar constantly.

I think it should be a “we will buy one/whatever a month and when it’s gone it’s gone (my DS also lives here) but DH just replaces replaces replaces.

I'm not a step mum, although I have had a few informal long term fostered children over the years.
Even they've borrowed clothes without asking, and vice versa. I really don't see the big deal as long as they haven't been ruined, and then they know they have to replace. There's a couple of things that are now considered the 'families' clothes.
Of course, we all have things that are completely off-limits and we all respect that.
But I also hate shopping and there have been times when something looks better on someone else, as I grab items, pay and leave as quickly as possible.

And let's be honest here. That 'new' top isn't new. Countless others would have tried it on in-store and/or at home. So she's actually done you a favour, at least it got a couple of hours of actual wear before washing.